How do you know if you are protecting your children
By patgalca
@patgalca (18370)
Orangeville, Ontario
October 20, 2007 11:01pm CST
or overstepping some boundaries?
My daughter came in the house crying. She was playing with two neighbourhood friends - one boy, one girl. She said that the boy kept knocking over the bikes in our garage and telling her to pick them up. She told him to stop, she told him to leave the garage and he wouldn't. Finally they went out of the garage, my daughter closed the door and came in the house crying. The boy knocked on the door a few minutes later and I pretty much tore into him. I can't remember exactly what I said to him but he tried to make excuses about my daughter knocking over his scooter first. He said he left his hat in the garage. I told him he would have to come and get it another day and closed the door.
When I went to my daughter she said he didn't even have a hat. He never wears hats. He knocked on the door again. I let him look in the garage and there was no hat. I told him, within earshot of the girl, that they both have been picking on my daughter and they could just go find someone else to pick on. He said they wanted to apologize and I said that my daughter really didn't want to see them right now.
Honestly, I think it is bullying. One day they are playing together, the next day they are telling her she can't be a part of their fort, then the next day they are asking her if she has any paint to use on the fort and they are in my house taking paint, rollers, brushes and trays out to paint the fort.
You know, we have a swimming pool and these kids are soooo nice to my daughter in the summer, for obvious reasons. But I can't stand the way they pick on my girls because they are shy and don't stand up for themselves.
The boy told my daughter at school the next day that her mother "spazzed out", that he told his mother and she was pi**ed off. If she was, she would have come knocking on my door. Besides, my daughter says the mother likes her and knows her son lies. I doubt he even told his mother.
Perhaps I could have spoken to the kid in a more kindly manner but, you know, this goes on for so long and I just got so fed up that I had to do something about it.
Do you think I did the right thing? Should I stand up for my daughter when she is too shy to do so? Did I make a fool of myself to kids that will probably end out being friends with my daughter again?
Your thoughts?
2 people like this
9 responses
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
21 Oct 07
I am very overprotective with my son and if I felt that he was too shy to stand up for himself or he came home crying then I would most definitely would REGARDLESS if I felt that I was being over protective. What you did is nothing compared to what I may have did or said to that boy. It sounds like they only let her join in if and when they need something which sounds like she is being used. YOu did what you had to do Pat and I'm sure they won't be doing that to your daughter again.
We were at a festival today and my son was in line. Several kids came in from the side (while I was standing in another line) and I was watching to see what he would do. He stepped back and let them push themselves in. Their parents didn't even bother to say to them to go at the back of the line, so you know what I did? I left the other line and walked over to the man who was making the balloons (as he was about to serve one of the kids that came in from the side) and said "excuse me but my son was patiently waiting in line before these kids on the side pushed in - they should of gone to the back of the line - it is his turn for a balloon" and the man smiled and said ok. I saw one of the parents behside us nodding as I was talking.
What also really got me a little ticked off was my husband was standing with him at the time and HE didn't even say anything to the other kids or their parents - I looked at him first to motion to him to say something but he wouldn't!!!! he moved away from the line and left my son there. GRRRRR
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18370)
• Orangeville, Ontario
21 Oct 07
My husband would have done the same thing your husband did. He certainly wouldn't have spoken up to the neighbour kids. He is too Mr. Nice Guy and wants to be everybody's friend. Unfortunately that makes him a not too good parent because he plays more the buddy role than the father role. So I figure SOMEBODY has to stick up for my kids. My husband wouldn't even talk to the teacher if it was necessary. Wuss!
1 person likes this
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
22 Oct 07
I think there is a fine line, and only you really know if you've crossed it or not. SOmetimes, it's okay to allow your child to endure bullying, if only to give them the chance to stand up and defent themselves. BUt some children, especially in the middle school years, have a very fragile self-esteem, and are facing major insecurities at that age, and really need someone to stand up for them, letting them know that they are worth more than the other children say. I think the best solution, would be to try and teach your daughter about chosing quality friends. If there are none to be found in her class, than I suggest looking at a local church, in a club she may be interested in. If she is involved in extra curricular activities, and there is another girl there that has good moral character, invite her over for pizza and a movie, or depending on their age, take them to the mall, or to do something they may enjoy. I think, because of her personality, she will respond to you leading her to a good friend. SOme children are leaders, others are followers, there is nothing wrong with being a follower, you just must help her find the correct person to follow. As much as we would all like our little ones to grow up and conquer this world, they won't, not all of them, and that's okay. We just must teach them, that not everyone is our friend, not everyone will be nice, and so we must decide not to befriend those who are not friendly. My oldest (3 years) loves people. HE will not betray a friend, even if they push him down over and over and over again. BUt he is learning to stand up for himself. A little boy, whom he called friend, called him a baby, he stood right in the boys face (prob. 6 years old) and shouted "I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy, that's not nice!!" and then walked away, but of course he wanted to continue to play with the boy, even though he had pushed him and hit him repeatedly. I don't think you went too far.. GOod luck to you and your daughter.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18370)
• Orangeville, Ontario
22 Oct 07
After soccer yesterday my daughter asked if she could go home with one of her team mates and play at her house. She is also a class mate and long time friend. She lives a couple of blocks from our house so she can walk home after. Of course I said yes so that she didn't have to be at home, or on our street where she might have to face these kids. She stayed at this friend's house until dinner time. There are other friends from her school on that street as well so she has lots of friends. I think kids that are so close by and around all the time tend to develop a kind of sibling relationship - too familiar, too bushy, too bossy. It's good for them to get out to see other friends as well. Thanks for your response.
@Darkwing (21583)
•
21 Oct 07
I think you did the right thing; the same as any other good parent would have done. These kids are obviously using your daughter and messing with her emotions. I would ban them from my doorstep, although I think you might have to toughen up your daughter a bit, so she can stick up for herself at school and when they stop her outside the house.
As for what the boy told your daughter about his Mum being ticked off, it sounds more to me that he, himself was ticked off because he couldn't get to your daughter to upset her some more. I would imagine he's jealous of the fact that she can come and talk to you and you protect her, because he doesn't have that liaison with his own mother. I doubt he talks to her at all, because he sounds a sly little wotnot!
I would suggest maybe you sit down with your daughters and try to explain to them that although they like to be nice to these other kids, they mustn't let them walk all over them. If they won't let her play in their fort, and need paint for it... tell them to go ask their own parents, or other kids whom they allow in the fort. She doesn't have to be nasty about it... teach her diplomacy, but toughness with it. Tell them both how you would handle similar situations. They obviously feel they can talk to you about stuff, so I'm sure they'll listen.
Brightest Blessings.
@patgalca (18370)
• Orangeville, Ontario
21 Oct 07
But isn't there a point where I shouldn't be stepping in and letting them handle it themselves? My kids always know they can talk to me but sometimes they expect me to fix everything for them and I think they have to learn to do it themselves. I just lost it because my daughter just got a brand new bike and he was pushing it against an old rusty snowblower. I wouldn't want it to get scratched. And this runt is smaller than my daughter! Thanks for your response.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
22 Oct 07
You have a perfect right to tell that boy off. He was being a bully, and also being a nuisance and it is up to you to set him straight. He was also using your daughter to get stuff to build his fort. In other words, he was taking advantage of her because she was a girl and obviously glad of a boy's attention even if he was a jerk.
This is known as the bad boy attraction syndrome.
I doubt that being nice and talking to him politely would have done any good. He is the type of kid who needs to be hit over the head with a Two X Four figuratively speaking, and yes, I did not think he told his mother. I think he has her bamboozled.
1 person likes this
@RosieS57 (889)
• United States
22 Oct 07
I was always the one to stand up for myself. My mother also told me to go out and beat up kids who were picking on my younger brother! No way...I wouldn't do it. Told her it would make him a sissy. And yes, he is, still.
Girls also need to stand up for themselves. The way I would have handled it was to tell the boys 'not in MY garage' and left my kid out of it altogether. Kids will behave well around me and in my home or they get banned. Period...no arguing.
So try to defend your rights at your home and let your girls defend their own.
My father never said a thing because he expected me to be smart about things and handle it. And if I were to be stupid? Well, then, I had better be tough. Those times were rare, but I did dish out some beatings to kids to defend myself and always won...because it wasn't expected of a girl.
Ever see the painting by Norman Rockwell of the little girl with the shiner of a black eye and the messed up hair and clothes sitting outside of the Principal's office with a satisfied grin? That was me, I relate to it totally!
Allow your girls to have their own won-loss record and they just might surprise you.
1 person likes this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
22 Oct 07
This brings memories of my own childhood back. I was a shy kid and had a group of friends. They would turn on me for no reason and I never knew when or why. I was always crushed when that happened.
I told my father and he told me that they weren't worth my tears. He said I had to stand up for myself and they picked on me because they could.
The next time they turned on me, I didn't walk away. I stood my ground and said that if they didn't want to be my friends that was fine with me but don't come running to me when they need or want something. I told them I would no longer be coming over there (to the one kid's house where we hung out) and I didn't need them as friends.
Of course when I left I cried like a baby but they must have been shocked. Two girls apologized to me and they actually called me to come play a few days later. I didn't go. It was weeks before I would go back there and they didn't pick on me again.
However back to your question, I think speaking to the parents is probably a good idea. Back when I was young we fended for ourselves but now, if that happened to my kid, I would calmly discuss it with the mother of the kid and see if we could come to some resolution - like she talks to her child about treating people better and I talk to mine about standing up for herself or whatever.
I would do what you did because I am very protective of my kids and hate when bullies pick on any kids. Maybe your daughter watching you tell the kid off helped her to feel less intimidated.
Everyone thinks childhood is so great but I remember it as heart breaking!
1 person likes this
@marshall_blake2000 (304)
• United States
21 Oct 07
Right is right if you are telling them right you are doing the right thing.
@THKOhio (329)
• United States
30 Oct 07
With my children, I always try to stay out of their spats with their "friends," unless there is physical harm. The emotional stuff tends to have its ups and downs, especially with a group of three...one day it's kids A and B against kid C, the next day it's kids B and C against A, the next it's A and C against B, etc. They tend to work it out amongst themselves and to resent adult interference in the long run. The only way I would interfere is if there were repeated incidents involving the same children picking on one child.
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
21 Oct 07
You poor dear. Sounds like it is really wearing you down. I wouldn't let those kids come to my place. Saves on arguments. Not nice to have to do it, but sounds like it needs to be done. I would also get my kids into self defence classes. Not to learn to fight, but because it is a great confidence booster and helps them to focus in other areas of their lives too.
I hope things get better for you soon. Your girl sounds like she is a real little sweetie. I got a sister who is like that too, and she is only just now learning how to say no and she is 17!
All the best for you and your family.
@patgalca (18370)
• Orangeville, Ontario
21 Oct 07
My 14 year old has been in Taekwondo for several years (her next testing will be for black stripe), but that hasn't stopped her from being the brunt of some bullying and having nuisance friends follow her around. She still won't stand up for herself. Thanks for your response.
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
22 Oct 07
Did I mention it took me a while to learn to apply the principals of it to real life. I also had a lot of one one one training and trials at teaching classes too. for some, it takes longer and others, well they are just soft hearted little bunnies and the thought of hurting any one scares them. I'm sure there will come a day when she says enough is enough and stands up for herself.
