I Think He's Depressed

Okay, first, I never said I treated him any way in particular at all. I said there were thing I WANTED to say, but I didn't. Second, yes, he is a really great guy, but has it ever occurred to you, that just because someone is 'great', you don't always like them? Just differences in personalities. And, yes, most women would love to marry him. And I have cherished him, but after awhile, it's like I was cherishing the 'idea' of him, and not really him. And after 21 years of marriage, I have realized that I don't really know him at all. I'm sorry, I can't help how I feel. Maybe he is 'too nice for me', I don't know. All I know is, we feel more like roommates than married.

After 21 years of marriage, I could see how it could become stale. But, what are you doing to liven it up again? Do something new and exciting that you will both love. You know what your husband likes, do it. I know for a fact that when things get better in his marriage, they will get better in every other area of his life.

I have done everything humanly possible to 'spice it up'. He doesn't like to do anything. I'm a 'doer', he's not. Like I said, difference in personalities. We are complete opposites in every way. We have done marriage counseling, a couple of times. Bottom line...we've done everything we can, but we can't change who we are.

maybe your the problem and you should just leave. you called yourself a bi___.

My family will never live 'happily' together. I KNOW you can do things to be happy on a low income. We can't SURVIVE without his income. I have told him that if he's not happy, he needs to look for something else, even if we lose the benefits. He is off 3 workdays every week, and he hasn't used any of that time looking for another job. NONE. So don't beat me up for being a cold hearted bit**; he has the option of finding something else, he hasn't done it. Not my fault. I hate that he's miserable, but yeah, maybe I'm a little 'hard', but I just think if you're miserable, and let everybody know it, you should do something about it. If you don't want to do something about it, then shut the **** up, and quit youre whining. I have tried to sit down and talk to him, and support him, but he won't talk to me. I asked him yesterday morning what was wrong, as he was moping over his daily itenerary, and he said nothing. I said, you're lying, and he said, "yeah". And that was it. I have tried, til I'm blue in the face, to get him to open up and talk to me, but he won't do it. And I do care how he feels, but after awhile, it gets old. I have spend 22 years trying not to 'hurt his feelings'; that's why I married him in the first place. Maybe that's why I get so angry when he cries. I don't know. Yes, it's nice to have a sensitive man, who isn't afraid to cry...but all the time? I'm sorry, but that just really gets old after awhile. So, call me what you will, but I only have so much effort left in me...

Ummmm...okay.... Speaking of therapy.....Hmmm....

I don't think he's pulling a guilt trip on me. I do think, though, that it has more to do with than just his job. When we decided to reconcile, I was worried this would happen. I was afraid that when he came to Florida, it would just be the same old thing, only in Florida. And that's exactly what happened. Communication has always been a problem between us. He doesn't talk. He never lets me in. He just stuffs everything down inside him. My kids are used to us not talking. They refer to him as a 'fuddy duddy'. I do care about him...but I was so much happier before he came to Florida. I don't know... Thanks for your post.

you mention that you and your hubby are exact opposites. That is not such a bad thing if you are accepting of each others differences. My boyfriend is far more outgoing than I am. He plays in a band...loves to party. I love quiet nites at home....hate crowds. I am quite shy....he is not at all. I trust him 100% and often will just enjoy my alone time while he's out with his band....sometimes I will join him and when I syke myself into it, I do admit that I have a good time. He has also found that he does enjoy quiet dinners and a movie at my place. WE don't push each other to be different. Tolerance and acceptance are key. Our differences are i believe what keeps our relationship alive.

I do see your point. We are all responsible for our own happiness. The more I read of your story, the more I picture how things are. If he is miserable, it is up to him to make changes to improve his life. You are not responsible that. Misery spreads itself just as happiness. I dated a man for 8 months that whined about his work, his finances etc. even tho he made much more than I and had much less responsibilities. He cried all the time over this or that. If nothing else, he would cry over the thought of perhaps losing me or whine that he did not have enough time with me while the time we were together was spent listening to him whine about lack of it or fear of me finding someone else. I always felt down after time with him. I gave up. Now I am not the cause of his sadness and I am much happier....hope he is too.

It's the job that he hates. But what I don't understand, is that I've never seen him not be able to just 'go with the flow'. He's one of those people that can be 'okay' with any circumstance, no matter how bad it is. He has always been able to just tell himself this is how it is, and so he deals with it. He's normally a very agreeable person. As far as our marriage goes, I know I am not happy, and I'll be he's not either. But the thing is, he would never say he's not happy. He would rather live a lie than go through the hassle of getting a divorce, and risk growing old alone. The kids pretty much know how it is. They know we care about each other, maybe even love each other, but it's the kind of love you have for a person you have spend 22 years of your life together, raised 2 kids together, and all the other things we have gone through together. The kids know I'm not happy, and they recognize how different we are. They also know how their dad is...he wouldn't say sh** if he had a mouthful, so to speak. We don't fight and yell and scream...we're just different. One of my biggest complaints about our marriage is that I want someone to share my life with, not just be an observer on the sidelines. That's what he is. He doesn't Share my life...When he does come along, it's like he's not even there. He doesn't 'contribute'. I moved to Florida because that is where I'm happy. When I left, I didn't take my son; I thought it was best he be with his dad at this point in his life. Now, I have the best job I've ever had, and I'm not willing to leave it. My daughter is 18 and going to college here in Florida. My daughter didn't have a problem with the separation, although she did miss her dad, understandibly. But she is old enough to recognize our marriage for what it was-and was not. My son is 14, and at the point in his life when it's all about him, and he doesn't care if we are happy or not, as long as his life is in order. I have stayed in this marriage for 18 years because of the kids...what's 4 more?