I need advice from mylotters about My son
By slickcut
@slickcut (8141)
United States
November 11, 2007 10:17am CST
I read a discussion that one of my friends wrote and it brought something close to home and i need advice..I gave birth the 5 children which are all grown up now,except for one, he is 44 years of age, but he has always had problems....When he was small he would kill small animals, he even bit the head off of our parakette.He once burned a church down to the ground.I had to continue changing schools because he was such a problem, the last school he attended he stole the paddle went to the roof and burned the paddle..He has been in jail many many times.He has been there for theft, DwI's, violence,and drugs, both doing them and selling them...Drugs don't help his problem but it is not the cause of his problems either,he was like this from the time he was able to walk.He has stolen from us, his brothers,his sisters, and recently broke into my others sons home , did lots of damage and stole 5,000 worth of tools from him..He has stolen from stores ,even at the early age of 7 years old...He stabbed a boy at his young age with a screw driver and he claims he has killed before...Thes eare just an example of things not near all the things he has done...What i need to know as a parent how much more am i to do????????? I have helped him many many times,given him money,let him live with me..I love him very much but what would you do if you had a son like this.? He is abusive to all his women hes had,he has covered his body with tatoo's..He came for a visit 2 weeks ago and the visit went well, he acted normal, but when he got home he called and talked to me like a dog,told me all kinds of bad things..now you might wonder what kind of childhood he had...We were a normal family,hubby worked i stayed home,no violence in the home at all and all the rest of the children are fine,nice constructive adults,they do not like to be around him,they are afraid of him.They tell me to leave him alone,do not help him ,they are afraid for me..So I am asking you what would you do? He refuses to take his medication...He has been diagnosed with Bipolar but also hes got somewhat of a criminal mind...I really need your advice...
4 people like this
11 responses
@GaiaFireLynx (208)
• United States
11 Nov 07
You need to distance yourself from him NOW!!! Before he kills you or another family member. He needs to be reported to the authorities & commited to a hospital. I know you love him. However he is a danger to society. It has nothing to do with the way he was raised. There are such things as "bad seed" it sounds as if your son is one. Sorry if I sound harsh. However I felt that that frankness & honesty was need here.
3 people like this
@copperkitten (3473)
• United States
11 Nov 07
I agree! He could hurt or kill someone. If you love him you will get him the help he needs. He should be in a hospital where they can give him his meds and treat hid mental problems. You have done all you can now do this for him. He need help weather he admits it or not. Im so sorry for the things he has done. I hope he gets help soon!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
12 Nov 07
Tough love....that is what you have to do. Catch him at a moment when he is not angry and is open to talk. Tell him...stress to him how much you love him but then lay down the law...it is not okay for him to treat you like he does. And then do not tolerate it. If he calls and berates you...hang up ....hang up again...unplug the phone. Don't let him stay at your place if he is not willing to abide the rules. My daughter was like this. she was destroying our family. She nearly got us all kicked out of our apartment just prior to turning 18. I put my foot down hard. I loved her very much and it was painful to watch but she was not allowed here unless she abided by my rules. She did a lot of couch surfing and sleeping in tents. I never could refuse her food and I always let her know that I loved her. Often I would go to where she was at and bring her a care package. Once I popped in on her and brought her a bag with some shampoo and some canned goods. It was noon but I woke her up. She was all hung over and embarrassed and scrambled around trying to tidy up. she was starting to care about what I thought of her. She hugged me and thanked me for the spagettios and soup....she was starving. I even threw in a pack of cigs. Everything in me wanted to bring her home and take care of her. She was really struggling. hard as it was to watch her struggle...i am so glad i did. she is now 21 and doing well....she lives with me now and is a pleasure to have around.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Nov 07
I am so happy that you have your daughter back.I feel she was going through some teenage rebellion...I have done all for him that you have done for your daughter but i have done it over and over and over again many many many times,everything you have said i have done..All to no avail..He is 44 years old, no longer a young guy and he will not straighten up..Actually your daughter has not done all my son has, she has not killed, and been in a gang, and spent 80% of her life in jail.I know it was hard for you because a mother just never wants to give up, but i cannot handle this anymore.Until he wants to get help i cannot do anymore than i have done..but as far as your daughter I am so happy that you have her back and she is doing well...Thank God for that.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
14 Nov 07
I had missed out on the part that he was 44 years old when I read your letter. You owe him nothing. you have done your part. he is not a child. you need to stop letting him affect your life. At this point in his life, you are only enabling him and compromising yourself.I know that it is hard but you need to him off.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
12 Nov 07
Stay away from him, FAR away. Get a restraining order on him so if he comes around you can have him arrested. Have your other children do the same thing. He may have his normal times, but he's dangerous.
There is something wrong with HIM, not with how he was raised. Now, I'm not saying that something may have happened while in the womb, but probably nothing that you did or had any control over.
I do know about how some children are just bad. These sorts were called "changelings" in the old days.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
12 Nov 07
I plan to Elic, I cannot do anything more for him.I love him but i have to be able to live without fear...The other children will not let him come to their homes,except for my oldest daughter , but she does not like his visits,but she will allow him to come still..but she does not want me to do anything for him and she does not want me to be around him either..She had a fit when i went to my grandsons wedding because he was going to be there...I have not got a restraining order but that sounds like a good idea to me.I did not know they were called "changelings" thats very interesting...Thank you so much for your advice..
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
11 Nov 07
I am going to ask a question that might offend...
Was he ever abused as a child?
I am more inclined to believe the idea the humans are inherently good than bad. If all your children have grown up in the same environment, there is no real reason why he would turn out particularly worse than the rest. And from what you described, his case is very serious. :(
I think it is out of my league here and I would suggest bringing him to a psychiatrist. Let him be hypnotized perhaps and see where it leads...
I think bipolar is cool... but he needs to learn how to enforce his will over the right end.
Perhaps, you can try getting him to go for those yoga or meditation classes - anything that helps him find that balance in life - which I believe he sorely lacks and needs.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
11 Nov 07
No offense taken ...No he was not abused as a child at all..but he did molest one of his sisters when he was 14 and she told me about it not long ago, she is really scared of him.All of my children are productive adults,they all have very good jobs and are really good people, they just think he is sick..As far the bipolar he refuses to take his medication, but he has more than just bipolar,he also is somewhat criminal too..I know bipolar people that are fine and do not act the way he does...You can not control him as far as taking him anywhere.He at one time had a wonderful wife and three beautiful children but he left all of them to fin for themselves..Now he only hangs out with bad women,they seem to be the only ones he can find..but i have excepted them because his choice..but at this point my other children have told me to quit helping him because they are afraid of him...
1 person likes this
@laylomo (165)
• United States
12 Nov 07
My sincerest and deepest condolences, first off.
After reading your post, as well as other responses, it seems your son has antisocial personality disorder. Another had posted a link to some site about conduct disorder. While they are similar, they may not exactly be the same. A good site to check out, nonetheless. Conduct disorder is the same, basically, but after the age of 18 develops into antisocial personality disorder.
Antisocial personality disorder is often defined by an individual's disregard for social rules, norms, and codes, with little to no respect for others. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), any of the following 3 since the age of 15 diagnoses ASPD:
- failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behavior (performing acts of grounds for arrest)
- deceitfulness, e.g. lying or conning others
- impulsive, cannot plan ahead
- irritable, aggressive; often in fights and assaults others
- reckless behavior, disregarding own and other's feelings and safety
- lack of remorse
- irresponsible, e.g. cannot find job
ASPD suffers often are pyromaniacs and violent towards animals.
As for the cause, it can be both biological and social. Socially, maternal deprivation during the first 5 years can cause it. But since you were home and all, I wouldn't say that was the cause. Moreover, it can be a hereditary disease; some studies point to both.
Did he have a long period of bed wetting? That is also a marker of the disorder.
As for what you should do... I'd advise him to see a psychiatrist. You simply can't let him run around freely. Moreover, you can't bail him out too much - even though he's your child, I don't think you want him to consistent harm others. Do it for yourself, for others, but more important, for him. Institutionalize him, do something. He may just as well hurt you and your children too.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Nov 07
Thank you, you have given me some good insight on what the problem could be..He seems to have every symptom that you have meationed as far as the antisocial personality he is irritable ,aggressive,he lies,impulsive,he is very deceitful,he hates rules, and has no regard for others feelings, he will even disregard himself to get to others,he has no remorse, he feels he can do whatever he wants and everybody should just over look it,he is irresponsible,as i meationed he left a good wife and three children to fin for themselves...The only thing he does good is he can get a job ,and he is a hard worker, but his problem comes when he cannot get along with others, he hates for someone like his boss telling him anything,so he quits or walks off the job without warning..He did not have a problem with bed wetting..I was always home and i would take my children to school and pick them up..They were not abused but they did have chores, and they took turns doing them..I cannot do anything to institutionalize because he is 44 years old..The only hope i have is he still has charges hanging over him for breaking into his brothers house and doing damages to his property and stealing 5,000 worth of tools, these charges are still hanging over him and i am sure he will do some jail time. All my children turned out from the same home as productive adults,thats what bothers me , why just one child like this..??? anyway i really appreciate your suggestions and i plan to look into these disorders..
@laylomo (165)
• United States
13 Nov 07
Like I've mention before, it's biological. It seems you are a very loving parent (if not, you wouldn't even bother asking about this on Mylot) and seems like a loving home. Don't feel too badly about it; it was out of your control.
Good luck and I hope it all works out sooner or later.
1 person likes this
@xxkennzixx (35)
•
12 Nov 07
Personnaly id tell him he had to grow up and sort himself out and to leave you and the rest of your family in peace until he has done so he need to know and learn that his behaviour will not be tollerated anymore, no money no excuses nothing cut all apron strings also if he steals from anyone else in the family or anyone for that matter you should report him to the police sometimes takinga stand .like this is the best thing for all it will make your son see that you cannot and wont put up with it anymore i truly feel for you
1 person likes this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
11 Nov 07
Oh hun my heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers. Have you tried just handing your son over to God and asking him to take care of him, you are at a loss on what to do. He does sound like he might have more mental illness issues other then just Bi-polar. Does he do better when he is on his medication. Can he be comitted to a hospital against his will. He does sound dangerous to me. Does he live close to you? I wish I knew some magic that would make it all better for you. I can't imagine the anguish as a mother that you go thru. It sounds like your son has an evil spirit on him, (no offense intended). I have a friend that has taught me about annointing someone and their house. You take oil (any kind will do), put some on a cotton ball, while you are doing that, pray real hard about God protecting your son and banishing the evil out of your son. If you can touch him with the cotton ball, or touch something that is your sons. If you can go to his house you can go around and touch his windows and doorways with the cotton ball. It provides a barrier from evil. I know it sounds kind of silly, but its worth a try. If its possible to do someting like that in private where he doesn't know you are doing it. If you can do it at his house, then take the cotton ball and leave it somewhere in the house. If you can't go to his house, maybe you can do something like that when he comes over, he doesn't have to know you are doing it. Good luck, I will be thinking of you.
1 person likes this
@cajundharma (641)
• United States
12 Nov 07
Please consider joining the discussion forums at www.conductdisorders.com It's a place for parents with mentally ill children, and has a section just for parents with adult children. I think you could get a lot of advice and support there. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
11 Nov 07
okay i dont mean to be mean but i think your son is psycho..and ya probally should turn him in.lol he needs help wether its prison or a mental institution,seriously i am not tryn to be mean and it mind sound like it but i think that is the only thing that is ganna help.. or hom being sedated all the time..
i wouldnt let him to your house.. when u first saw him killing animals u should have gotten him the help he needs.read up on some of the sereal killer well known..what u say he has and used to do is the same thing that they use to and do.
son of sam,jerrey dohmer are 2 to look into .
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
12 Nov 07
Oh thats ok , no offence, im sure he is psycho along with his bipolar disorder..but you see at his age of 44 they will not let me do anything with him as a parent because he is a grown man now and the law here in Texas gives them choices...I knew he needed some help and he was always staying in trouble with someone, but my husband did not want to air his dirty laundry so to speak, it was hard for him to put him in an institution so my hands were tied really..The part that really bothers me is this son of mine has a awesome personality and he seems normal but hes not,he has a lot of something going on in his mind...You know people like my son are very smart like a fox..I just have came to understand that i cannot do anything with him and i cannot deal with it any longer...He has spent most of his life behind bars for one thing or another and he has always been a model prisioner..When he is in jail he gets really religious, and he is convinced that God has his hand on him and he is on his way to heaven with all these bad things he does...Its really weird stuff.thank you i will look up the serial killers and see how his actions compares to theirs, that is one thing i have not thought of..
@mwala1287 (284)
• Canada
13 Nov 07
Well. You need to for one thing, take things one step at a time. You need to understand tha not everyone is "normal" & that others need more assistance then others in their lives. I am glad to see that you are sticking by his side of course because for one, that is the main thing people in need to get better or do well.. it is support. Also, you shouldnt take anything he calls you personally and to the heart because you do understand that he is not well and that he has bipolar and does things he doesnt always mean Also if he is somewhat a criminal mind you should be careful, Im sure you are, but be extra careful and make sure you guys seek the help he needs so he becomes more relaxed and aware that what he is doing is wrong and that he is hurting the people around him who love him., Hope that helps!
1 person likes this
@mwala1287 (284)
• Canada
12 Nov 07
If you love him (which Im sure u do) you should do what you feel is right in your heart and do what is best for him. You can be sure that after doing so you will be rewarded in many ways as well as feel good about yourself spiritually and emotionally! Best of luck & I hope all goes well!
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Nov 07
What is in my heart is for him to change, but i know he won't, so what i am going to have to do is cut the ties until he has changed, but he is 44 years old and i see no hope in a change..Spiritually and emotionally i feel that i should just leave him in Gods hands and leave him alone.. thats how i really feel at this point.Thats what all my family seems to think and i have come to this point now...I also feel that it is the only choice he has given me...
