I love my husband. But I don't like him very much.
By cyntrow
@cyntrow (8523)
United States
November 17, 2007 5:14pm CST
a co-worker recently confided in me that she is have marital problems. She and her husband are not fighting, but they are not talking much. A few days a week, he seems normal. all other times, he is just quiet and distant. On the weekends when they have to spend a bit of time together, he tries to pick fights with her. She told me, to paraphrase, "the worst part is that I don't want to cry anymore. I don't feel like it and that makes me sad." They've been together for 25 years.
I'm seeking unbiased thoughts. Thanks
8 people like this
24 responses
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
17 Nov 07
It sounds as though he might be suffering from depression or something. If I were her, I would suggest a marriage counselor or even for him to visit the doctor and see if there is something wrong. I would hate to see a marriage that has lasted that long be ended.
However, if he isn't willing to get help then she has to do what she feels is best and that is to get out for her own sake.
@spacecreature (114)
• United States
17 Nov 07
I would have to say that they are having some real problems and maybe they need to see a marriage councilor. I always hate to hear about problems with couples that have been together that many years. If they can work it out that long there has to be answers about whats going on.
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
18 Nov 07
This is so sad that we let this happen to us. They are not alone as you well know. The only true way your friend will ever know what is going on with her husband is to confront him.
It is very possible he is as unhappy as she is but has no clue what to do about it. He know she is unhappy and has pulled away so perhaps he picks fights just to make a connection somehow. It may be his way of telling her how unhappy he is.
We all start out our marriage with such great expectations and in time they seem to fall away.
The only thing you can do is sit and listen. She needs that now. In talking it out with you she may come to some conclusion about what must be done. If ask, and if you can, give her advice but only if you truly think it will help. Good luck to you, and her.
2 people like this
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
18 Nov 07
I know this sounds kind of cliche but it sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis. After 25 years it sure would be tragic for their marriage to fall apart but it's sure not fair to your friend to go on like this. I can only repeat what some other posters have said, that maybe he should see a doctor or they should try counseling but it really seems like depression to me. The fact that he seems normal some times but distant others are symptoms of depression that I've seen and had firsthand. Sometimes you really can't help it, you just quiet because you feel like you have nothing to say and you don't know why. I know it's strange, but depression is a strange condition and it affects everybody differently. I hope she gets it resolved and that things work out. I know she's fortunate to have you for a friend because I can tell from on here that you're a compassionate and caring person and that's what she needs right now, a friend who will listen and will be there for her. Good luck!
Annie
2 people like this
@Curt6887 (26)
• United States
18 Nov 07
I can't say I have been there yet, Im hoping to get married around christmas time but I will tell you what I have seen. My parents for example have been together for atleast 30 years now. They dont fight or anything but you can tell there not happy. I think that over time people have been married so long that they just stay together and be miserable. Its like watching your life waste away with someone that you dont want to be with. Tell your friend that she needs to sit down with her husband and think things threw. She needs to confront him instead of sitting on it. Ive sat there and wanted to ask my girlfriend something for weeks on end but was to scared to then when i did i found out that it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Your friend also needs to ask herself "what is going to make me happy?" you know?.
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
18 Nov 07
i do feel like it's better if you raise each others' voices to each other than keep silent even when there's something wrong going on. you know what i mean, right? i don't mean that i want to have a yelling time with my boyfriend everyday of my life. i just don't like it that when there's a problem, we will just keep quiet and not talk about it. it is more horrifying for me.
i do believe that there is a prblem between which only talking to one another is the key to solve it.
anne
@vinaykiran28 (5149)
• India
18 Nov 07
Its really good that the women is mentally strong, i think they both have to sit and work up as its very easy to brake than make a relationship.... what are your comments
@olaff123 (433)
• Namibia
18 Nov 07
It is very hard to decide to leave someone after 25 years, harder still when you love that person. Your friend is at a point where whatever decision she makes, will hurt. Staying will be hard and painful, as she has to accept that she will never be really happy and the person she deserves to be. Leaving, she will leave a part of herself behind, that part that will always belong to the husband she loves. Ultimately, she has to decide which will save her soul in the long run.
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
18 Nov 07
For her part she needs to think, has she done or said something wrong that offended him? I also tend to withdraw when my special someone has done or said something that offended me. It's not that easy for me to talk to her about it because I would come off as "complaining all the time." So my way of letting her know how I feel is that I tend to be rude and pick a fight. I know there must be a better way of managing a relationship. Maybe guys like me are just not good at communication.
@jeanne94668 (478)
• Philippines
18 Nov 07
when i hear such stories, i feel sad. but this is a very big problem for the couple. i could say the main factor would be communication. in a relationship open communication keeps the relationship stronger. it's not just talking, listening is impornant. even, one just listens to the other when talking and answers back with just a word or two. just to know that you're listening, not just hearing what the other one is saying. they just need to talk, a real conversation to start anew their relationship. from there they can work it out. 25 years is 25 years. they should give it a shot and see what happens.
@yeek2007 (32)
• China
18 Nov 07
I think there are problems in the marriage , there are two solutions.
First, seriously really want to make it clear, originally good,why would become like this,the other party will not easily give up,afer all ,all together 25 years.
Second,separate for some time,this would clearly be quiet, and then choose divorce or repaired.
thanks.
@Jasmine78 (135)
• United States
18 Nov 07
Maybe her husband is a little tired about their marriage. For a 25 years marriage, there is nothing new, nothing to be excited. All the things operate in the same way. It may help if the couple try do something new they can share or take some tour to place they never been to.
@pastorkayte (2255)
• United States
18 Nov 07
Tell your co-worker that although she has marital problems, this does not have to be this way. If they have been together 25 years there has to still be a strong level of commitment to the sanctity of their marriage. I learned after 15 years of marriage that conversation was necessary for making it work.
Learning to tell your mate that you are unhappy is a hard and daunting task, however it can also be rewarding. Loving him as I am sure she does, is great and all but to tell him "Look honey I am not happy, when we were married you used to rub my feet, talk to me about things that didnt involve the children or the baseball game, and tell me jokes I didnt quite get. But I loved those moments and I would like to get back to that time. Can we do that."
My husband says he is not a mind reader and that he would like it if I tell him what is wrong. And sometimes it does not completely fix the problem, but the effort he made in trying makes me feel like our marriage is worth saving.
@rachel4 (1)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I really appreciate the care you took when adding your thoughts on this particular story. I too am in a relationship with my husband and am not sure if I like him anymore. I love him...but I don't really like him. We met in the Army, I met him when I returned from Afghanistan in 02, and he went to Iraq in 03. After he returned he was an angry, mean, bitter person. He thinks about himself before anyone else (including me most of the time...if not all the time) and is now the complete opposite of me in every way. I'm a laid back, kind-hearted, humanitarian type personality...whereas he hates everyone and everything. It's making me so depressed. I'm constantly being asked by friends why he's such an angry, rude, selfish person...I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. I feel so alone and I don't know if I should just ask for a divorce or continue with the counseling we started a few weeks ago...
Sigh...I didn't mean to derail from my original intention for responding...I think what you wrote is very true and that communication is very important...as long as the other person is open to hear.
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
5 Sep 08
Thanks for reviving this discussion, Rachel and welcome to mylot. I'm sorry to all that I didn't reply to their responses. I think I wrote this at a time when I was having a minor breakdown.
Rachel, I'm sorry for your marital problems. Unfortunately, when you reply to another's response, I can't see your reply and cannot address your thoughts. I can only say that my thoughts are with you. I know it must be difficult being a military wife. I hope things work out for you. Best of luck.
@lucky_witch (2707)
• Philippines
18 Nov 07
WEll I dont know what is really the problem here. Your friend seems having a problem with his husband but the fact I dont know what the real problem is. I believe that they have to talk if they want to settle things. and seek outside help if they think that they will be needing it. But what is important is they should talk.
@lavenderbloom (1057)
• United Arab Emirates
18 Nov 07
I think the husband is no longer attracted to the wife. May be he has a problem like stress or something that makes him unhappy. The wife should take the effort to find his problem. May be both are feeling that nothing is left in their life. They should talk to each other and express their feelings. they should work on their relationship. Thy should not think that after 25 years of being together nothing is left. They should try to communicate. Take care.
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
18 Nov 07
it sounds as though the path they are travelling together is splitting and they are going seperate ways.
I think they need to go back to basics and learn about each other all over again. You know, kind of like dating. Finding the things they have in common now will help them to better see where they both are and where they both want to be.
@fanji008 (775)
• China
18 Nov 07
Hi,there! Well,I guess it's a problem that many couples may confront with after many years' marriage. For husband and wife,I do think it's very important to be good friends,if they're best friends,then that's better. It doesn't only apply to the husband and wife,but also applies to all relationships.If the two could be very open to each other and always have topics to share with each other,it's not likely that they have distance with each other.I think communication is very necessary for the couple.Hopefully your co-worker will make it. Best regards!
@livintx49 (245)
• United States
18 Nov 07
it's bad when a marriage falls apart.she needs to get new interests. my husband and i have been married 16 yrs and we don't fight either but you could move a stadium in we're so far apart.
@kittypinky (245)
• China
18 Nov 07
love but not like ?
i never know that ,i just heard that like but not love !
maybe their love has changed in to object and habit!
