Why It Sucks To Be A Vampire

Tweet

All of us have seen them portrayed on theater screens in all their bloody glory. I'm sure we've heard many stories regarding them, and the supernatural feats they are capable of. Many of us as children have feared them when the lights went out. Nearly every culture in the world has their vampire stories. All speak of how fear-inspiring the bloodsuckers are. I don't get it with some people's fascination/obsession with vampires and other such bloodsuckers. Personally, I think vampires are an overused monster type that has been rehashed a zillion different times. Nothing really new about them since they're pretty much made in our image. Dangerous, bloodthirsty killers? I can think of various human types that can exceed the vampires' bloodlust -- certain gangs in Los Angeles come to mind. I doubt that vampires could even hope to match a Los Angeles street gang, for example. But if vampires truly do exist, it would really suck to be them. At one point seven years ago I was on a "Vampire the Masquerade" forum, ranting about how Goku could annihilate Cain, the vampire progenitor. Heck, I even wrote a little fanfic to illustrate such a battle between the two. Nevertheless, the audience to which I presented my views strongly disagreed. Now I have to disagree with me. Vampires would not even begin to be a worthy opponent for a lowly ghetto thug on the street. This is because: 1) Vampires, because of the endless cell division their bodies undergo of which "immortality" is a by-product, have a cancer affliction that is 500 times that of a normal human being. Being exposed to ultraviolet radiation immediately initiates a hyper-accelerated skin cancer in vampires. 2) Vampires cannot procreate. Duh. Everything in a vampire is supposed to be dead. And I do mean EVERY THING. They're just a bunch of d**kless wonders running about. 3) Vampires can only drink blood. What? This means that they can't ever enjoy filet mignon, fine wine, or even some artery-clogging fast food at the local McD's. Vampires really suck. 4) Vampires have enhanced strength, speed, etc. So does Barry Bonds on steroids. So does Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on steroids. If I had to choose between the above three symptoms and steroids, I'd choose the 'roids. Also, I heard that a man high on heroin has the strength of ten people. More below: 5) Vampires cast no reflection in the mirror. Not to be narcissitic, but if I am blessed with eternal youth and the ability to see it is gone, that's maddening. 6) Vampires possess a racial aversion to all things holy. I'll be damned. We already know Satan hates your guts. So do you want God to hate you, too? I'll be damned. 7) Vampires are subject to intense racial persecution. It's not good to be a bigot. But it's no good, either, to be a blood-sucking maggot that walks on two legs. Vampires are outcast by their fellow humans, and their fellow vampires who don't share their skin color. 8) Vampires can never enjoy the sunlight. 'Nuff said.