My husband.
By mamasan34
@mamasan34 (6518)
United States
November 21, 2007 9:54pm CST
I just got out of a chat with my husband on instant messenger. I got so irritated I had to leave the chat. I told him of a movie that my daughter and I watched called Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. I was really moved by the movie and put the question forward both to myself and to him, about how much you can be affected by a badly broken heart, by such a loss as your wife and children at once, all this hitting you and suffering from post traumatic stress. I am very analytical so questions like this intrigue me. He knows this. Instead of indulging me he tells me that "there is a difference between fantasy and reality", as if I didn't know that already. I have a very firm grasp on reality! I was astounded at how condescending he was and how very unfeeling he was. He then goes on to tell me that I have no idea what tragedy is and that I am looking for tragedy in my life. What???? I was totally taken aback. I don't now where he is getting this stuff from. I have had enough tragedy in my life, why would I want more? and by asking a simple question? Am I wrong to have just left the chat? I just couldn't handle it anymore and I was pretty hurt that he was so condescending towards me and my questions. Like he is better than me. What do you guys think?
4 people like this
13 responses
@4mymak (1793)
• Malaysia
22 Nov 07
i think it's the typical response you get when they dont wish to get into 'serious' discussions.
i get that from my husband,too, sometimes - instead of discussing it... he'd dismiss our thoughts / questions as 'unimportant' or 'silly'... always saying i think or worry too much. when pressed - he'd just say - he doesnt what to answer, and dont want to think about it 'at this time'... ask him later...
yeah... right.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
As sad as it is to say, I am glad I am not the only one dealing with this. I hate it, but I guess it's just the way it is. It kind of makes me sad that I can't have an intelligent conversation with my husband without it turning into a pissing contest. (Excuse the term).
2 people like this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
22 Nov 07
I don't know that I would have left the chat without telling him exactly how I felt about what he had said. I feel that he should not have said such hurtful things to you. why were you talking on messenger? He is gone somewhere and if so why aren't you with him? Does he always answer your questions like that? If so, I would not have a discussion with him on that level anymore.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
He's in Iraq right now, so sometimes we talk on instant messenger when he is at his desk on duty. I did tell him how I felt, but I had to leave the chat because I was afraid to say anything worse because I was getting angry. Sometimes he does treat me with a very condescending tone. The sad thing is that I have more education than he does. He was just raised in a more wealthy family than I was. I think that has a lot to do with it. He used to be much worse, but I can't stand to be talked down to like that. I don't think he means to do it, it just comes out that way. Still it is no excuse to make the one you love feel so inferior.
2 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
22 Nov 07
Really don’t know that much to think except for the fact that since you were on instant chat with him, maybe you did not know but he was preoccupied with something else, or that he was angry and frustrated with something/someone else and just used you as a punching bag. It sometimes does happen that our close ones treat us very shabbily but they are actually using us as a vent for their pent-up negative emotions. I maybe completely wrong of course!
Other than that, I agree completely with what your feelings were. We look forward to discussing various issues at home with interchange of ideas and feelings and a snap like the one you faced, can really leave you like you don’t know what hit you!
2 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
23 Nov 07
Glad to be of any help. Actually I had myself made such mistakes in the past and so now I am more careful. It would also help to be a little more considerate towards him considering the fact that he is in Iraq (I scrolled down the responses and got to know this). As it is soldiers in ordinary times are a disturbed lot, what with being away from a normal family life for long and Iraq as we all know is now a perfect hell on Earth. Even if he is not a soldier, he still does see a lot of mental and physical trauma and agony everyday to feel that what is portrayed in movies is but a watered version of actual human suffering.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
sudipta that is exactly how I feel. I don't know what hit me. Your right, maybe he was going through something and was angry or upset about it. He really doesn't know how to express his emotions and maybe that is what is going on. Thanks for bringing that up.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
26 Nov 07
This is very true sudipta. I have been thinking a lot about that and I keep that in mind now as I speak to him. So, I have been trying to be more patient. Thanks!
@aaidjs (1149)
• Croatia (Hrvatska)
22 Nov 07
Hello Dear,It is not my way to give advice for relation between you and hubby but you asked for that!!Think!!If you are right why you need our AMEN!Your men is in very specific situation and very dangerous!What would be happened with him if he start to think about some movies and tragedies in the movies!He need your love and carrying!!I will never leave the chat with my hubby!!When you saw that he is not willing for that kind of conversation you can stat with something else!!Pleas don't waste your time on MyLot,go and call your hubby.I am sure that you have something nice to tell him!!See you and Regards Silvana
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Silvana, that is very good advice, but he is like this even when he is home. He acts as if he is smarter and above me. I wish I could call him but unfortunately I can't. I emailed him and told him that I am sorry for the irritation and that I wished he could understand me. Thanks, hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
LOL, thanks! I will try to be more soothing to him during this time. Your right, sometimes I have to let things go for the better good especially now. Thanks for helping me see that.
1 person likes this
@aaidjs (1149)
• Croatia (Hrvatska)
22 Nov 07
Just between you and me!!All our guys like to be smarter than we are!!Sometimes I act like a little stupid girl to make my hubby happy!Second think about PTSP!!He cant be involve in that "job" without having PTSP!He need more of you,than he is willing to say!!In this Days before Christmas he think about home ,family and love!He really must have a hard time!!You are the stronger one,give him as he need!!!See you Silvana
2 people like this
@aceballos (99)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Most men do not like to indulge in serious conversations for too long. They also do not want to talk about something that has not happened. I think it hurts thier brains as they are not functioned the same way as women.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
I have been with men who are able to have conversations about many things that don't involve putting me down in the process. My husband however has a problem with this. His father is very domineering and controlling towards his wife, so I should have seen that coming. I know he has many other traits that are great and loving, this is just one that isn't. THanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@Verity (851)
•
22 Nov 07
You know husband nowadays are totally different from the past. Probably because of the fast growing complexities in the modern world where men could just easily abandon, neglect, or doesn't care their wives because several women around can replace them. It is very sad and disgusting for a woman entangled with this kind of circumstances. And, women also nowadays, young and old, except for the few, doesn't care who of the wives around are being hurt so long as they have enjoyed and satisfy their carnal affair to any men they wanted to.
The situation you have now definitely affects you emotionally and phycholigically where you have no other options but to suffer and live alone in distress. Why not go out and talk with friends or enjoy yourself with them so as to releive stress? Or flirt to your husband... don't miss to flirt with him. Be sensous and flirt him sexy at his own look so that his attention will be always there for you. Smile and don't stop flirting with your husband!
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Well, I would flirt with my husband if he was in the same country as me. He is in Iraq right now. So, that makes it difficult. Men are very different from men of the past and I think that is a good thing. However, my man is very controlling and domineering in many ways. So, it's something we have to overcome together. Thanks for responding!
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
26 Nov 07
Why would you be discussing something like this in a Chat Room instead of face to face if this is your husband? I feel that when you result to talking in a Chat room with your husband unless you and he are seperated, as him being in the service or something, this here is an issue in itself. Just my opinion though.
But personally, it sounds like there are some issues in your life and marriage that might need to be worked out to know where each other stands.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
27 Nov 07
He's in the service. We have both said that we have a communication problem so we know there is an issue. We aren't seperated in marriage just in miles.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
30 Nov 07
Men think different from women. They think in action while women think of emotions, so when you start talking about a badly broken heart he thinks at first you were talking about yourself and he thought that he had done all he could to mend yours and maybe you were getting too involved in the movie. My husband is the same way. We watch a movie and I start crying and he says it is just a movie, but I think that maybe that there is someone with that exact sadness happening to them, and then he would think that we cannot do anything about them.
So do not be upset with your husband. He was not being condescending, he was acting like a guy.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
30 Nov 07
Thanks suspenseful! I am coming to terms with this "guy" thing hahaha! It's hard when men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it's like we speak different languages! Anyhow, things are better and we are working on our communication. I am no longer upset with him! Thanks again!
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
22 Nov 07
I can see a few different sides to this. your husband is in a difficult situation and is seeing a lot of bad things right now so your question was probably difficult fo him to deal with. As for the part about tragedies, I'm sure you have been through a lot but in comparison to what the people where he is are going through your tragedies probably do seem minor to him and justifiably so. You ave to try to put youself in his shoes and see things from where he is right now and what he's seeing. Maybe you can even locate a support group for other women with husbands over there. I'm sure you'll hear similar stories.
However...his condescending tone at home is an entirely different matter. I believe he may feel insecure about his education compared to yours. He is trying to "put you in your place". It will probably only get worse in time. If you can live like that and be happy then fine but if not be prepared to seek marital counseling and the possibility that you may not want to be with this man forever shis attitude towards you changes.
You were right to leave the chat so you didn't escalate things by getting angry. You were also right to send him the e-mail later.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Just the fact that you both know you need some help says a lot about your relationship, I think that's great and wish you the best. My Thanksgiving isn't going so good because my guy refuses to see that he has a problem. We are now a full 1/2 late for dinner and he's still refusing to get out of bed...somehow that is my fault according to him...
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Thanks foxyfire. I am sorry that I left the chat like that, but I am glad because I know me and I do tend to say things that will cause great pain and I didn't want to do that. I felt it going to that and I needed to get out of the situation before I made it worse. I have been through a lot but your right, my past tragedies are probably very minor compared to what he sees on a daily basis. My pride gets in the way of logical thinking sometimes! Anyhow, I am glad that I emailed him and hopefully he read it. As for his condescending attitude and our communication issues, we both agree that we need to seek counseling. We both feel that we are banging our heads against a wall when we need to talk to each other. The funny thing is that we didn't have this problem when we were friends. LOL...anyhow, I am all for anything that helps us better our relationship and so is he. I know that much. So, I know it is worth hanging in for the long haul! Thanks again and I hope your having a wonderful Thanksgiving.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
26 Nov 07
Sometimes I think my husband and I just don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. We love each other but we agree that we have a communication problem. Most often he doesn't belittle me, but sometimes when we have in depth conversations he does make me feel like I am an idiot by the way he states things. I just think my husband needs some tweaking on that. Thanks for responding.
@wooitsmolly (3613)
• United States
30 Nov 07
It sounds like he was throwing some kind of fit because you were talking about something that he wasn't interested in. How rude of him.. If he didn't want to talk about it then he should have just said he wasn't in the mood for an analytical discussion and maybe he would like to talk about it with you later, and then change the subject.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
30 Nov 07
Very true! I wish he would be a little more forthcoming with how he feels about having a conversation like that rather than be so withdrawn and he was never good with words so I should have seen that coming? My husband is that tall dark mysterious stranger you always hear about lol! He says very little and you just wonder about him. Of course when he does speak about things he gets all jumbled up and comes out sounding condescending or just a jerk! I should have known that was the problem to begin with, but I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. Thanks for responding!
@bong_domingo (878)
• Philippines
22 Nov 07
hmmm.... i think us women are like that, i mean asking the possibility of this and that, not that we wish for it but that we usually want deeper conversations aside from the usual ones... my father is quite the same as your husband (i think as most men are), when we ask him similar questions, we get similar replies like : " ssshhh.. stop that" or "ssshhh why would you think of that" or simply "ssshhh..."
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
23 Nov 07
That is very true lol. My father isn't a lovey dovey kind of guy either. My husband is much the same. When I become emotional he doesn't know how to handle it. My husband is not the most emotionally in touch person, so I should have expected it. I have just been pretty emotional lately I think and with him being gone and the approaching holidays, it really isn't setting well with me. We both know we need to work on our communication issues so that's a step in the right direction! Thanks for responding!
@bong_domingo (878)
• Philippines
23 Nov 07
yup i got your point... my mom goes like that too most often :-)
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
22 Nov 07
I know that he hurt you and was veary wrong of him, and i know that when u get mad u tend not to think becfore you say anything. that is so me!.lol
but it is important that you try not to do thoes things because he is in iraq things happen you think arent going to. and if things do happen he has to start fighting or is sent to hostile parts of iraq on a mission or whatever. u dont want him to be busey thinking of wether you are mad at him or how he hurt your feelings because then his head is not ganna be totaly in what is happening. and when that is going on and your head is not in the game.. bad things can happen.. i am not saying anything bad towards you because like i said i know somtime when we get upset we tend to not think before we speak..and obviously you love your husband i think that had you had time to think about it first you woukdnt have left the convo..
somtimes its hard to put your feelings aside when it right there in your face. but somtimes is best for a later time.. I really wish you goodluck with this and your huisband(not inpiticularly your husband) but all of our men and women fighting in iraq are always in my prayers..
happy thanksgiving
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Nov 07
Mikeswifey, thanks for the understanding and your honesty. I think your right. I don't want him to be busy worrying if I am upset with him or angry and I know that things can happen over there and with this type of thing weighing on your mind, your not taking care of yourself and things can go wrong. Your also right that in the heat of the moment things aren't so clear. They are very clear this morning and I am very upset that I left the chat like that and left him hanging. So, hopefully we can fix it soon. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving.
