Funny jokes anyone

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball two weeks ago he measures everything first!"

Tech Support Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

Haha, that's a good one. how about this one:Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,"So you all want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said,"To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds."Now, he said,"Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said,"Yes, I did. He only has one eye!" The detective shook his head and said,"Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" The blonde immediately shot back,"Yep! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed,"Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,"Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said,"Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"