how my life fell apart in 2007

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first off i should probably explain im 33 years old i have a son hes six. I used to live in a small rural town and enjoy my easy living i worked at a hospital where i was a maintenance receptionist and handled alot of duties. Needless to say i was offered another job making more money but not as many hours. I took the job i was hating the hospital and wanted to broaden my horizons. During this time i was completely single wanted nothing to do with a man. I worked and spent lots of quality time with my son and then bought a house in 2002. somewhere around 2004 i started dating. i met a guy named kris he was awsome but slept to much he came on weekends and life was grand. Then i met a few guys just for flings and learned how to become a player. I then had a guy named james who lived with me came from australia (originally from michigan) and he lived with my son and i for six months now during this time im with james he was seeking other woman so i had a boyfriend in iowa and i would see him on weekends my son and i still had a great realtionship. after james left i quit working two jobs and went back to one stopped seeing the guy in iowa and stayed home then in november last year i met a guy i had been talking to for two or three years off the net. i already knew he was from the streets of chicago but taht didnt worry me im a strong independant woman and we would make it just fine. but something went wrong....when this guy came into my life my world turned upside down- i lost my house, i was late to work every day, my memory was shot, my abilities are shot, he lectures me every day but i cannot seem to remember anything, my friends told me that i was starting to act like him, and i was seemingly very unhappy. Well needless to say this off and on relationship has lasted for a year yesterday (december 15, 2006) cant say its something to be proud of but can say its the longest committed relationship i have been in . no matter how unpleasent no matter how abusive no matter how negative i put my all into the relationship and its not going to work and i know that i cannot imagine how it can work since he only sees me as a dumb white honkey who doesnt comprehend. hes now in another state even though hes trying to keep me at bay here at his apartment by telling me all the fine things like he loves me and hes going to help me and hes going to be the man i want and take care of me and my son ....but unfortunately i dont believe a word of it. I believe that hes holding me here with all the kind words so i dont pack my stuff and leave him so he still has everything in the apartment when he gets back ( everything is mine anyways) but he knows i wont confront him cause i dont want to get beat up in the process. Thats what happens when he gets mad at me he screams and yells and spits and then starts choking and thrashing me around. I told him im a bigger man that he is cause i have never called the cops i have never retaliated (except to hack his passwords and warn other woman who hes talking to) but never hit him or hurt him physically. I feel i have wasted the last year of my life on something that can and never will exist i feel he needs to find help because i can only do so much and if he doesnt want to seek help himself he will never be OK. Anyways thru all the stuff that has happened and trust me lots has it seems i cannot let him go, i have never been in a bad realtionship i have never had anyone hurt me all my other ex's and i have been friends since we broke up but i have never had to deal with this type of case. I dont want to see him hurt, i dont want anything to happen to him, i know he doesnt have any family, i know i cant help him, but he clings on me and i cling on him but WHY?? i love him with all my heart....but i dont know why i dont know what makes me love him what makes me struggle for him and why i feel i owe this kindness to him cause any other woman would have gotten rid of him a long long long long long time ago. does anyone out there have any kind of suggestion on why i cannot let go, what i can do to let go, or what i should do to move on with my life because as im seeing it if things dont work here i wil never really be able to go on cause he will always find me he will always call me and i am just confused and stuck in the situation not knowing what i should do or how to handle it. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED. THANK YOU ALL WHO RESPOND.