I Am Terrified
By Rozie37
@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
December 18, 2007 10:19pm CST
Of the ocean. On of the main reasons I moved to Santa Monica was to be close to the ocean. I am a writer and use to fantasize about going out there to do some writing. I can not tell you how many times I have been to the Pacific Ocean and even in the water,(though I can not swim) it has never bothered me before.
Since I moved here, about three years ago, I have been meaning to go down there and sit and do some writing and just enjoy the scenery. I have not been. But lately - I would say in the last few months, I have been having nightmares about somehow being stuck at the edge of the water.
I can't tell you why that started or even fully explain the dreams. I am at the edge of the water and for some reason, I can not get away from it. I have always loved the ocean. To me, it is one of the most beautiful things that God ever created. I also like to look at pictures of the ocean. Yesterday, I realized that my love for the ocean had changed.
I was on my way to the main library in downtown Santa Monica. I had never been to this branch, I usually prefer to go to smaller ones. This time I wanted to go to the big one to see their selection. Even though I knew that I would pass by the beach, it was the farthest thing from my mind.
I was sitting in the very front of the bus, so I would not miss my stop. So, I was facing sideways. All of a sudden, I just happen to look out the front window and gasped. There it was gray and simmering so beautifully. But all I could think was, if this driver goes any closer, I am going to lose it.
Thank God, we were at Ocean Park Blvd. and the bus turned right. I felt beside myself with fear and then I started to feel bad about myself for being afraid. I do not know what happened that I am afraid now. I know that I don't go that way very often because it is way to crowded at the Third Street Promenade. But, it has never bothered me to pass the ocean before.
On the way back, I was fine. It was something about looking up and feeling that I was heading toward the water that freaked me out so bad, I have been considering moving away from here soon. Have you ever had an experience where something that did not frighten you before, all of a sudden sets your nerves on edge?
3 responses
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
19 Dec 07
I never felt that way. With me, it was something that I had always been afraid of and then I had to get closer to it and find that it was not that bad and often it was someone else causing the fear. Like when I was always told that having babies is hard work, and when I got to be past twenty-five, that there is a good chance that the baby might be born with down syndrome that I usually translated as, well in your case ----, it is hundred percent. Now I had to adopt, but sometimes when someone makes you fearful, they sort of prevent you from doing something about it.
So no matter whether your fear came because before you had memories you were visiting the ocean with your parents or grandparents, and you fell, then do baby steps. Walk to the ocean, stay maybe one minute, the next day stay a little longer, get closer to the edge, put your feet in the water, etc.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
20 Dec 07
I know all about exposure therapy. If this was not the only overwhelming fear that I didn't understand, I would not feel so bad. And if it had always been that way, I could handle it, but this is a fear of something that I once adored. I have so many pictures of the ocean downloaded on my computer. I even have the Sea of Galilee. But, I have no problems looking at the pictures. I just wish I could understand what went wrong in the last few weeks.
@nevaul (84)
• United States
19 Dec 07
Well, I'm in no way a therapist, but it could just be subconscious fears playing their part. You mentioned that you could not swim, and perhaps the fear of drowning is starting to pick away at you, even if you're not fully aware of it. After all, the ocean is a very vast body of water(goes without saying), and to people who can't swim, that can be a very unnerving thought. If you lived more inland before moving to Santa Monica, such possibiliies wouldn't be of great concern. Even with visits to the ocean as you could just be thinking, "Head to the beach, dip my toes, maybe wade to my waist, the go back to more dry land."The sounds of the ocean(don't know how close to the beaches you live), could be affecting you dreams as ambient or background noises can sometimes do such.
Overall, I probably get a bit of counsiling on the matter, and even take some swimming lessons to become more comfortable with the water, after all, a pool you can stand in and not go under is easier to deal with than an ocean. Obviously, until these fears are sorted out, I'd try to have smaller contact with the ocean as just driving by it got you a little tense. Trying to face it head on when you know there's a fear there(facing your fears) could possibly induce a panic attack, which I hear isn't fun in the slightest.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
19 Dec 07
Thank you so much for being so sensitive to a problem that is quite embarrasing. Yes, panic attaks are nothing you want to experience. I have had very many of them over the years. I had an accident in a pool when I was younger and nearly drowned. I accidently fell in the deep end and this guy had to rescue me.
I have lived 19 blocks from the beach for three years and I don't understand why it has become so frightening now. But, like you said, things with the mind can be so subtle, that you can be reacting to something and not even consciously realize it.
It could be something that I heard on the news or something that someone mentioned in passing. The mind is very, very complex. I will definitely mention this to my therapist on Friday. Thank you again for your response.
