Okay so I'm a horrible person...

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...why you ask, well I'll tell you because frankly I need to vent before my head explodes. I went to college and fell in love like so many cheesy movies' plot lines, but it was definitely not as simple as a movie. This guy liked me a lot for reasons I can't seem to figure out hell I don't even like myself all that much. I lied a lot back then but I always told people I was a liar and that that was the only thing I tell the truth about, immature I know; but hey I was young went to college at 16. Anyway back to the point, when this guy finally asks that question that can make or break a relationship, "So what are we?" I broke the relationship out of fear of anything slightly resembling commitment. The thing about it though was I couldn't stop thinking about him and then realized too late that I loved him. I was also good friends with his best friend and then before I even realized what was happening, his friend asked me out! This guy was a saint has a heart of gold best friend anyone could have but just that FRIEND that's it so I sidestepped that one with this line, "Well you see I don't date..." That fiasco was over or so I thought but then I got kicked out of college and had to leave to go back home and this boy cried, I felt horrible but what could I do I didn't love him I loved his best friend but I lied to him so much he didn't want anything to do with me anymore but I don't give up so easily and I then called him often and tried to get him back until I felt like the idiot I was and left him alone for like a year. Out of nowhere the heart of gold friend started calling me and we kept in touch as friends but then recently he came all the way across a whole state to visit me and take me to see a movie, after the fact it came to my realization that he still liked me a lot and I felt that I was leading him on, and since then he's been calling a lot but I can't seem to answer the phone, all I can think of is the man I love even more repelled by me if I lead his best friend on. He never left a message until yesterday though and on that message he said, "Hey just calling to say Merry Christmas and I love you, see you later." What the hell is that I ignore him for months and he tells me he loves me why how?? I say all that and then I think I'm treating him the same way his friend the one I'm in love with treated me when I told him that I loved him, so again in closing I am without a doubt a horrible person, no?