Which is better - Finding A Surrogate or Adopting Someone Else's Child?

This is the response I knew I would get for you as long as your sure. As Loungy said case closed! Good luck hun!

I have already been told I am crazy for even considering getting a child this way because there is "no way I could ever love a baby I didn't carry". My ex psycho said that. So it is already something I have thought long and hard about. It nearly put me in a mental ward to have my tubal ligation. I woke myself out of anesthesia crying. The doctor told me I cried through almost the whole surgery. I cried every time I looked at my baby for darn near 3 months knowing I could never have another one. I had PPD and PTSD at the same time. Boy was I a mess. But I just felt I would have an easier time with that depression then I would if I ever lost a baby. After my honey and I started talking about this, and still feeling the weight of what my ex psycho said about me not being able to love the child, I wanted to add the option of getting my tubal ligation reversed just so I wouldn't find out too late that he was right. That caused a big fight. Me being as stubborn as I am would choose to save the baby and possibly kill myself if there were complications and my honey would just not let me put myself in a position to make my other 4 children motherless. A man I have never met that I only talk to online who lives a good 1200 miles away from me put it in perspective for me one day so easily I felt like an idiot for ever having doubts in the first place. He ran down the long list of children related things I do. CASA advocate, March of Dimes organizer, volunteer for a local childrens center etc. etc. etc. He said that I spend as much time worrying about hundreds of other peoples kids as I do my own. I give of myself freely to hundreds of other peoples kids. I cry because of other peoples kids. I laugh because of other peoples kids. I love other peoples kids. etc etc etc Why in the heck would I ever allow myself to think I wouldn't be able to love, nurture, care for, a child that I didn't give birth to. So simple a question. I didn't have an answer that didn't start with "But so and so said..." To make a long story short. I would be a mother again to anyone's child biologically mine or not 100 times over if I could. This is definitely something I want to do again my honey has just given me the ability to.

He says biology doesn't really matter but I do know that he wants to be there when the baby is born. That is the hard part. You get that with surrogacy, not always with adoptions unless it is a private adoption and good luck finding someone who isn't out for tens of thousands of dollars for their baby in a private adoption. I think I am going to use this discussion depending on how many responses it gets to decide which method we are going to try first. Thanks for your comment.

lol..I wouldn't be too quick to say I've got a good man. Obviously, your partner wouldn't mind either ways. If he can adopt your kids as his own, I guess all he's looking for is to have the hands-on experience of being there when the baby is born and see it grow....the best option would be adoption but you'll still need to find someone who is pregnant and willing to give up the baby soon after delivery...and that might be practically difficult...with all the paper work and all that? You guys are the best people to judge what is best for you. You know the pros and cons both ways and know yourselves better than any of us and should be able to make an informed choice based on your situation and how long it will take.

Every time we think we know someone else says something or we come across a new piece of information that tips the scales in another favor. Since we want a newborn baby it will take longer to adopt unless we find our own mother who doesn't want her baby and do a private adoption. Which could turn more costly then going through an agency. Surrogacy starts out being more expensive and if it doesn't work the first time the cost just keeps going up and up and up and if we stop trying we would have wasted all the time and money we invested. My new brightest idea, that he doesn't know about yet :) is to get put on the adoption list the same time we begin the surrogacy process. If we don't have a baby in 3 years we quit them both. If we end up with 2 babies then that is just double the fun. :) Now it's just going to be convincing him to have a family of 8 is the next step.

You've got yourself a real good man. My soon to be sister in law has already made the comment to me "You already got four, why would you ever want to go through all that hassle again?" But I accept that she was a "one and done" mom so I don't hold it against her. I already got two boys and two girls so the only requirement on my side of the table is that it be a baby. He said he would like it to be his own flesh and blood but if it isn't he won't love it any less. I believe him. He is adopting 3 of mine after we get married and you would never know they weren't his biological children.

Thanks for the comment Ravin. Yes, I still have eggs and if we did the surrogate route the baby would be biologically ours. We wouldn't inseminate a surrogate with just his DNA. I think it's being a new born baby that is more important to him than it being of our DNA though. He says he doesn't care either way though and really neither do I. I probably care less than he does about specifics. The waiting list for newborn adoptions is so very long and who knows how many attempts it would take for a surrogate's body not to reject our embryo. Both sides have their pros and cons. Thank you for your comment though it will ultimately help us make a decision on which one to do first.

Hmm, that is interesting. Do you mind telling me why you are opposed to surrogacy?

Thank you dayzz. You have a great day too!

I've wanted another baby since my daughter in my avatar was 3 months old. I love children and would have a dozen of them if I could afford it. This is something we both want but for different reasons.

Thanks Viva. You made me laugh. I told him I could always pretend to have 2 AM cravings for watermelon in the middle of a blizzard in February if he wants the "full" experience. I just want another baby. It doesn't have to be biologically related to either one of us as far as I'm concerned. I am taking what my honey wants as the deciding factor on this one but I must say you and so many others make a strong argument for adoption.

That is always something to consider. But would if these were the only options you had of having a child would you love a child any less because you adopted it? Kind of doesn't make sense to me. You would want a surrogate so the child would be your flesh and blood but to make the decision to adopt would make someone think that you loved the child enough to raise it.

Thank you for commenting. Even second hand knowledge from someone who went through it is helpful.