I'm really confused.
By Stephanie5
@Stephanie5 (2946)
United States
January 12, 2008 8:00am CST
I'm about to lose my mind. Some of you know some of my "history" with my husband whom I've been seperated from for about 3 years. We have 2 children together and I've moved from state to state to state chasing him around when he runs off with the kids.
Well, I have the kids now and I live in Indiana. He was living in Tennessee and moved here about a month and a half ago when the judge told him that he wasn't getting the kids. He said he was moving here to help me out and help take care of the kids. Well, since he's been here, he hasn't helped, he's only made things worse for everyone, even the kids. He's impossible to talk to and try to comprimise with. He tries to run my life and when I don't do what he wants, he makes my life a living hell. And the kids pay for it because if he's mad at me, he won't come and see them.
Well anyways, he moved here and at first he would come get the kids and take them for a couple hours at a time, but the more time that has went by, the less he's seen them. In the last 3 weeks, he's only had them maybe a total of 2-3 days and that wasn't all at once, just a couple hours at a time. He keeps lying to them and telling them that he's buying them things, and coming to get them and he doesn't. I'm getting so ticked about it, because I am the one that has to comfort them when he doesn't show up and he won't even answer the phone and offer an explanation. I make stuff up so the kids don't think that he doesn't want them. I will say he had car trouble or something. But, then that bites me in the rear because then they want to know why I can't take them to him and so forth. Basically I end up looking like the bad guy so he doesn't.
He recently asked me to come back to him. I said that I couldn't do that to the kids because our relationship has never been a good one. Now he says that he's going to leave because he can't stand not being able to be with me. He is going to leave his children over me basically. I don't know if this is a ploy of some sort to see if he can make me feel guilty enough to come back to him 'for the kids' or what. I'm so angry and hurt that it is so easy for him to just walk away from his babies even though deep down I think that it's probably for the best. He doesn't set the best examples for them, but he's still their dad. He's not a bad dad. He just don't use his head sometimes, but hey, I have my moments too.
I just don't want to see their hearts break. And I know that it's going to happen. It's so frustrating. I don't understand how he can feel this way. I don't understand how he can just walk away. How am I supposed to explain this to a 3 and 6 year old? It's so unfair. And how can I be both mom and dad to 5 kids? I'm barely making it just being mom.
What and how can I explain this to my babies? I don't want the kids to think bad of him. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you ~Stephanie
3 people like this
8 responses
@jenya1234 (36)
• India
13 Jan 08
Stephanie...Baby I really appreciate you as a mother and wife.
I think moving to him is the first step you should do.By this you can have some space of your own from kids responsibility and can make some financial freedom.
please be cool and silent as much as possible.Take care of your health and peace instead of thinking only about your kids and husband.
For some time think of only giving,No matter to whom,whether to children or husband.Just keepon giving without expecting care,money,love.
Love cures.Make him habituate of you and family.Then you both or you alone can able to handle 5children.Instead of getting whole burden on your head.Atleast make him habituate his own children.
Silence is the only medicine for a bad relationship.Keep giving and be silent.Its difficult to forgetourself for some time.But this way you can really make your responsibilities lesser.
After all one and only small life for everybody.By giving what he want can make yourlife getting back your life how you dream.
All the best.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
13 Jan 08
My girls dad was much like that but maybe not quite to that extreme. Yes, it is really, really tough. You can not force him to be what he is not. Don't lie for him to the kids. Also don't put him down. just assure them that he does love them and that he has a problem keeping his word. Don't go back to him for the sake of the kids!! My girls as they got older began to see their dad just for what he was...a very lame parent who could not be trusted for his word. They did and do love him and they do have a very very lame relationship with him. They are all grown up now and we are very close. I'm sure they hurt as they were growing up because of their dad's lack of involvement. Now it is him that has the regrets and is hurting. The don't seem to resent him at all....they love him but they don't have a strong bond with him. They see him for just what he is. you are going to have to be tough but you can do it. Just be there for your kids. It is up to him to form a relationship with them.
@citygirl (1080)
• Canada
12 Jan 08
I don't know if this will help Stephanie, but many years ago when my three were small (they are all grown now) I was in exactly the same situation only up here in Canada. I used to buy Christmas presents even for them and put his name on them so they wouldn't be hurt. A very smart councelor from my sons school (he was 8 or 9 at the time) came and visited me. She pointed out that I should stop making excuse for his behavior , one as I ended up looking like the mean one. But most important of all , she made me realize that I was only prelonging the hurt for my kids. Kids are very versitile creatures she said and she was right. Kids can face the truth of what a person is like and still accept or decide not to accept them as they are. I stopped . He over the years never bothered with the kids, each in turn when they got old tryed again to establish a relationship with him and of course it didn't really work. They were able to accept that and realize that he is what he is and it has nothing to do with them. My three are all grown now and well adjusted , doing great. I never bad mouthed there father, and when they did, I would say that may be right dear but none the less he is still your father. I did suttly remind them each year when it was his birthday , or fathers day and then left it up to them if they did anything. The most important thing for you kids is not to teach them to hate or be angry because that will only harm them. I think the best thing is to just tell them he is what he is and that is that. No one will change him, and none of it is their fault so they must learn to accept him as he is and make their own decisions in regard to him. Believe me I shed many tears over the years, and there were times I would have liked to wring his neck but never let my kids see that. Kids are survivers my dear and so are you. You don't need this man in your life so let it go. If he choses to stay in contract just look after your self and the welfare of your kids. If he doesn't in the end it is him who looses, seeing his beautiful kids grow up. If you find ways to keep the kids busy soon they won't even notice that he isn't around it won't be long until they are older and will understand their self. All the best to you step and remember as long as you are okay, they are to. A few tears never killed any one, in fact I think they are God's little healers. You will see in time. You can do it Girl so don't doubt your self.Take care and my this year be a better year for you and your kids.Debbie
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
12 Jan 08
Since he's so unreliable maybe you should just stop relying on him or hoping that he would deliver on his promises. You shouldn't have to make up excuses for him. That's not your job. Let the kids know who their real father is.
1 person likes this
@tazpromote (965)
• United States
12 Jan 08
As you are separated for 3 years but not yet divorced you can join with your hubby for your children. You did not inform whether you separated legally or just keeping far from your husband. Life is yours and family and kids is yours so you are best person to decide for the better future of your child for you.
If you decide to take divorce here is indian state law for child support.
Child Support
IC 31-16-6-1, Child support orders; relevant factors; account at financial institution
31-16-6-1 Sec. 1. (a) In an action for dissolution of marriage under IC 31-15-2, legal separation under IC 31-15-3, or child support under IC 31-16-2, the court may order either parent or both parents to pay any amount reasonable for support of a child, without regard to marital misconduct, after considering all relevant factors, including:
(1) the financial resources of the custodial parent;
(2) the standard of living the child would have enjoyed if:
(A) the marriage had not been dissolved; or
(B) the separation had not been ordered;
(3) the physical or mental condition of the child and the child's educational needs; and
(4) the financial resources and needs of the noncustodial parent.
(b) The court shall order a custodial parent or third party under IC 31-16-10-1 who receives child support to obtain an account at a financial institution unless:
(1) the custodial parent or third party files a written objection before a child support order is issued; and
(2) the court finds that good cause exists to exempt the custodial parent or third party from the account requirement.
A custodial parent or third party ordered to obtain an account shall provide the clerk of the circuit court or other person or entity acting as assignee or trustee for remittance with an account number and any other information necessary to transfer funds to the account.
(c) In accordance with its policies, a financial institution may restrict or deny services to a person ordered to obtain an account under this section.
(d) This section may not be construed to require the clerk of the circuit court to remit child support payments by electronic funds transfer.
As added by P.L.1-1997, SEC.8. Amended by P.L.86-2002, SEC.9.
For more details visit following sites: http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/states/ind/indiana.htm
1 person likes this
@cindrel_27 (89)
•
12 Jan 08
Dear Stephani,
I am sorry to hear your history, i know it is difficult for a person to run, & keep running all through the life, foe the kids & for her family sake,
i feel that you must stand still & hope every person will have a loop hole, his weekness, it is the kids, & you, so atleast for a few days just try pleasing him, in every thing he wants,
coz being a man he might have different likings from you, expectations from you, as you have expectation from your hubby,
just be still , talk to him about your problems, for you will not get any solution if both of you dont sit & talk to each other, open your heart to him,
dear you will not have to have ego, i mean both, for what life is all about if both doesnt have the love for each other & kids.
atleast for the family sake you must try to compromise with him for a few days & see how things are working, if he is changing, that means he will love you one day,
no person is bad on earth, every person has a heart, he loves the kids & thats the reason he is with them & you, atleast for some time.
o you read the bible? read 1 corinthians 13, full chapter, pray & pray & one day i am sure you will see the difference,
now coming to you as a mom, all you have to do is be patience for some time, dont lie to the kids, coz in times to come they will not trust you, when they grow, & know the things by themself, it is an different issue, but for now, be still & say things that will not affect the relationships the kids have towards you & their dad, concentrate on the kids future, at present , show them all the love you can,
never argue with your hubby or ask any thing when he returns home after days, just smile & talk to him nicely,
dont speak things or ask him where he was for days, coz these are the things that will irritate them
so untill things are getting fine for you, you must be still
greet him with a smile when ever he is home, do thngs that pleases him, go outing with your kids & your hubby,
when you change for him i am sure he will surel change for you & the kids,
all the best,
we are keeping you in our prayers,
God Bless & shower all his mercy & grace on your family & see your family problem solve soon,
God Bless
Cindy
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
14 Jan 08
I know they are only little but the less you say to them the better as they will notice themselves
You say he is not a bad Dad in my eyes he is not a good one as he is using them Children to get close to you
He lets them down
He lies to them Sweetie that is not good as he can confuse those Children very much
I know we have our Moments to but not to that extend
I was lucky that my Children where 17 and 14 when I split up with the Ex Husband they saw what he was doing
But I can only suggest that you try to make an excuse for him which is not right really but the Children will soon see themselves what he is doing
I really hope you can sort this
@adnanezzi (243)
• India
12 Jan 08
hi there to judge people better u have to listen both side of the story first.
u are saying he is not that bad kind of a man but does not use his head sometimes.
my advice to u would be if u can bear with each other for the sake of your kids.
talk to him openly about ur feelings and ur likes and dislikes for each other.
lay down ur conditions
try to patch up
1 person likes this
