Closed vs. Open Relationships
By Leca
@lecanis (16647)
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
January 17, 2008 1:36am CST
I've seen a couple of discussions here about open relationships, but I'm not sure I've really seen any about closed polyamory. What I mean when I say "closed polyamory" is a relationship involving more than two people in which all members of the relationship are exclusive within that group.
I'm mentioning this because I personally prefer closed polyamorous relationships to straight-up open relationships. While I don't have a problem with having multiple partners, the idea of not knowing who my partner is with makes me a little nervous. I'm not really one for jealousy, but it's just a matter of health concerns and a lack of intimacy brought on by not-shared encounters. This isn't to say I have a problem with other people being in open relationships, just that I personally don't like them.
Anyone else have experience with this? If you have had or have a multiple partner relationship, was it open or closed? Were you happy with that decision?
4 people like this
11 responses
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Wow. I never thought about it that way.I guess it would be better to have a relationship where you Know the other person.It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, Summer Lovers. Have you seen it? It is the story of a young American straight couple who meet a French woman.If you haven't seen it,Net Flix it, I think you will like it.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I hope you like the film.Let me know if you like the film.
1 person likes this
@joey_matthews (8354)
•
18 Jan 08
I'm not a fan of either.
Personally I think if you love "someone" you should stay with that "one". I just don't personally see how you can claim to truly love more than one person and want to take turns between them, as this makes me think it isn't love. (just merely fun/game)
However, this is just how I see those types.
I don't have anything against those "in" them but still I can't really see it. two company and three's a crowd and all that,
~Joey
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
18 Jan 08
Thanks for sharing your opinion, even if I don't agree! :P
I can understand how you see it as not serious or "taking turns" but honestly it's not like that in most cases. Relationships carry varying amounts of seriousness anyway, whether they're mono or poly... it's all a matter of the people involved.
It's okay that you aren't interested in or agree with those types of relationships though! :)
@joey_matthews (8354)
•
18 Jan 08
Oh sure it.
I know it's different for those inside the realationships, personally I use the term "swinging". Also, i'd find it hard to believe it's love but anywho reach to their own.
~Joey
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Good Morning Sugar, I am such a fiercely possessive and jealous lover that it would never work for me at all. I am a lion when it comes to those I love. I am often even that way with friends. It has been somewhat of a struggle for me in certain relationships, but for the most part my friends come to understand that part of my personality. My husband has as well.
I do have a girlfriend who lives in Arizona that is married to a loving husband and has a "second" wife whom has shared their home and bed now for years. Before anyone asks no they are not morman nor does it have anything to do whatsoever with religion. In fact my GF was the one to first fall in love with the other female. There are no children at all in this relationship, nor do they want any. It works very well for them, and I just love to listen to their stories on how they make it work. It is just totally fascinating to get an inside view of a life style that takes a very special kind of person to keep it going and yet remain moral, or faithful might be a better term.
I admire the strength of character that people, must have to live lives of difference.
just my 2 cents :))))
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
18 Mar 08
SMOOCH for the BR Sugar :))) great conversation just as all of yours are.
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Jan 08
Thanks for sharing, Angelwhispers. *smiles*
I definitely wouldn't say that sort of relationship is for everyone. It's great that you can see what is right for you!
In my case, I don't really get into the jealousy and possessiveness, though I am very protective of people I love, both friends and partners. I guess that's why I like the closed version better, because then I can know who my partner is with and know that person is trustworthy. I get twitchy when even my friends are involved with people I don't trust!
Thanks for sharing your friend's story! It's great that they've found a relationship that really works for all of them! :)
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I think a closed polyamorous relationship is much better tha an open relationship. The "dating phase" leading to a closed poly relationship is where it seems tricky for us and why we haven't moved forward with it (among other things, namely our living situation). I think it's a pretty healthy situation all around when done right. I know I'm looking forward to it happening for us someday.
1 person likes this
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
29 Jan 08
When it comes to relationship, polygamy has never crossed my mind. Already in a relationship with one partner is very tough.
Having to strike a balance between yourself and you partner is already work in progress. I am enjoying the healthy relationship with my wife. No grumbles there.
I personally think that relationship, especially the intimate one that you have with your spouse is hard to come by. And when the relationship does finally get forged, you jolly well forge it in gold and treasure it. No point getting into a relationship for the sake of it.
I cannot imagine having to handle more than one relationship with another partner and any one time.
Life is already tough as it is.
If there are so many worries about health, lack of intimacy and other what nots, why take on more when one relationship is enough?
@girlgonefishing (2174)
• United States
22 Jan 08
I personally have never been in either an open relationship or a closed polyamory relationship. My daughter however had a closed polyamory relationship for two years. The girl left them about 6 months ago. My daughter is still broken up about it. She says she is actually happier now that it is only she and her "baby daddy" because it is less stressful than when she had to keep two adults happy. LOL
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
18 Jan 08
Ya know, I'll be perfectly honest and admit that I've never heard the term before BUT its exactly the term needed for my marriage...There are the 3 of us and thats it, there are no outsiders HOWEVER if either of my men WANTED to date another woman (just one, not free flow dating) then I'd be fine with it...I have always refered to my marriage as an open one but again like I said I've never heard the term Closed Polyamory before..
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
18 Jan 08
Hmm... I think I picked it up from someone on a poly forum a few years ago. I've heard several others use it on forums and lists since then, as well as used it myself to define a relationship I was in.
I like what you said about being able to date just one specific other person, not free flow dating. I could accept that with a partner, but not dating just anyone.
I was hoping you'd poke your head in here, since I knew about your relationship! :)
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
30 Apr 08
I've never understood the purpose of an open relationship. If you want to sleep with multiple ppl why not be single and do it. I am in a one and one relationship, call it what you want, it is my Hubby and I and that is it. I don't do the whole swapping, sharing, b/f's or g/f's on the side...we're married and it's just the two of us. To each his own I guess.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@Arkadus (895)
• Canada
18 Jan 08
I haven't done this... never will it's not my thing. I am good friends with someone who's in a three person relationship though. From what I can tell it works out and I don't really see the big deal as long as no-one feels shafted. Personally I can't see how someone could be okay with that but hey, whatever floats your boat... or should that be boats?
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I haven't had a lot of luck in pemanant relationships. The first one was supposed to be monagamous and straight and turned out to be gay. I did manage to have two lovely daughters with him before I found out. The second liked women from stripper bars and shared them with his son or vice versa. He wanted me to join in. I just couldn't go there. So, I am single now and forever.
I don't care what other folks do, but I just wanted a simple two person relationship. You know nothing fancy. Just us and maybe a couple of kids. I got the kids and I raised them and put them through college. I guess that was something anyway.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Jan 08
I guess if you know your partner is sticking to one partner as well (not cheating) then it does cut down the health hazards. However, I think sometimes the health risks are worth it to have more than one partner if it is what makes you feel emotionally fulfilled. And with a closed relationship, the health hazard really isn't any more than a single-partner relationship (again, unless someone is cheating).