Would you Boycott the Wedding?
By byfaithonly
@byfaithonly (10698)
United States
January 21, 2008 8:54am CST
Ok as some of my friends know I've been a bit 'down' lately. There are a number of reasons for it but I'm going to ask the opinion of all of you on this one point.
A little history first - I have been a single mother for 16 years. I have 4 'children', boys 32, 30, and 16 and one daughter 23.
The 2 oldest have been married for several years now and I attended and was part of both of their weddings.
Here comes the problem. My daughter, unwed mother of 2, has been engaged on and off to a 'young man' and I use the word lossely as I don't think of him as a 'man', for 3 years.
Over the last year I've seen a side of this 'man' that sickens me and I would rather see my daughter a single mother than to see her married to this man.
Ok, here it is - on Christmas day she handed out wedding invitations to our family and then left not even staying for dinner at my mother's house - he didn't even come in the house, just sat in the car (sick again which is common when there is a family get-together).
They were married New Years Eve at the court house and I along with her father, my ex-husband, did not attend the wedding.
It broke my heart - for years I've dreamed of helping my only daughter plan that very special day, her wedding. I just could not go knowing the things I know about the person she married - morally myself I could not bite my tongue and say nothing (I OBJECT) so elected not to go.
I cry nearly every day - not for myself but for my daughter and my 2 grandchildren...
So, let me have it! What would you have done? Would you have been strong enough to go and say nothing? Would have 'boycotted' the wedding? Would you have simply been happy your daughter (or son) was getting married?
14 people like this
40 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Wow that is a tough choice. I understand your situation...
I don't know what I would have done, but I do know that I would have wanted to do exactly what you did.. So maybe that was the right thing to do. Did she say anything about you not showing? If not and she didn't care, then I wouldn't worry about it. My oldest didn't get married the way I picture it either, but she is married and old enough to know what she wants, so I allowed it, even though it wasn't what I wanted for her..
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
21 Jan 08
Actually I tried talking to her a couple days before the wedding and told her my concerns she told me if anyone came to the wedding and said anything against it she would disown them - basically said she didn't want me to come.
I know in my heart she wanted me to come, as well as her father, but she wanted us to be happy for her and neither of us could do that - this guy is a user and we suspect abuser and there is no way I can be happy about this marriage under those circumstances.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
thank you for your prayers dear, they really are appreciated and that is what I pray daily along with praying that she and the grandkids will be safe.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I think what you did was fine. I am sorry you had to go through this, I pray that your relationship improves soon. I know how tough it is when your relationship with your child is strained, mine is with my son, but that is a different story..:(
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
21 Jan 08
Everybody has to do what they have to do.
Believe your beliefs, and Doubt your doubts and get over kicking yourself after the fact!
When you do what you have to do- do it with conviction! Do it and be proud that you did what you had to do! Do not cry every day! See the Perfection in God's world and realise that your daughter is doing what she has to do. She may learn a wonderful lesson, but this is her chosen Path and Who are we to dispute God's perfect World?
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I honestly had not thought of it this way, crying tears for my daughter and grandchildren, but when put this way I see it much differently. My tears won't stop but I will hold my head high - I did what I feel I needed to do and you are correct I'm sure God has a plan for His Perfect World.
1 person likes this
@gharinder (2044)
• India
21 Jan 08
well, byfaith i feel that this question is really difficult to answer, its obvious you share a special bond with your daughter and nobody except you has the right to decide whether to attend the marriage or not. the only reason for which you could have attended the marriage is the love for your daughter. i understand your love for your daughter and the pain you must be feeling. all i know you could wish, is happiness and prosperity for your daughter, and i hope it turns into a successful marriage.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
21 Jan 08
In my heart I do wish this for her but I think I am hurting so badly right now that I can't see it happening - sort of like not being able to see the forest for the trees. I would love to just step back from the whole situation and take a 'breather' possibly that would help both of us in the long run.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Very true - you would think with 4 children I would have learned by now but I can't help but be concerned.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
21 Jan 08
That is such a tough situation to face. I can't imagine the hurt involved, but I do recognize "elements" of what you're describing-- my mother (who's 85) and I have substantially different values, and live an ongoing struggle that revolves around some version of "agreeing to disagree." She has always been deeply invested in my "being a certain way" that fits her sense of "How The World Is," and (in my opinion, which I grant you is only a PERSPECTIVE) has very little room for me to "be ME," as I actually am.
I'm not implying that the same holds true for you and your daughter. I'm just offering an example of how the world doesn't always work out the way we hope for, and pray for.
You're definitely not a "bad" person, and I believe you did the right thing in staying true to YOUR values and beliefs. Her way of handling the wedding does seem a little odd... but I don't know you or your family's history, so I'd prefer not to comment on that. I suppose that-- ultimately-- all a parent can truly do is prepare children for the world the best possible way, and then "let go." The challenge... is perhaps to see if you can be supportive of your daughter as a human being, without necessarily having to endorse her life choices.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Thanks denmarkguy - our family does tend to be a bit 'strange' at times but bad manners has never been acceptable. That's a minor point right now.
I am concerned for her safety and the safety of my grandchildren but it's true, I can't live her life for her and just like I've mad mistakes in my life so will she. All I can do is be here when she decides she needs me - I can't force my love, help, knowledge, or beliefs on her.
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
22 Jan 08
Well actually my daughter was dating a guy, I dislike more than sin and refuse to even call him a man. This goes back to when she was, I'm guessing about 20 years old. Anyway she was seeing far too much of him as far as I was concerned and one day they were both in my car my daughter in the front with me and the looser in the back seat. My daughter was trying to get my approval on going someplace or doing something I don't remember now what it was about but I flat out said, NO or didn't agree with whatever, like I said I don't remember details but I do remember the looser was going to remind me that my daughter was old enough to make her own decissions and I smacked him in the lips and told him to shut up, when I'm talking to her he needed to mind his own bussiness. She later told me nicely I could have hurt him and I reminded her then he'd better keep his lips shut when I have something to say or next time it could be painful and that was when I told her if she ever married him she didn't need to invite me because I loved her too much to see her throw her life down the drain. That was that and not long afterward he was history. She is married to a good man and has two beautiful children and is happy. I thank God everyday for my daughter, son in law and my two granchildren.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Oh Grandma I'm crying again - crying because I'm laughing so hard. You are remarkable, I so wish we could have that on tape to play over and over again as needed - as a reminder to younger ones and as encouragment for us older ones.
I personally could never have done that but my hat is off to you for doing it!
@Modestah (11179)
• United States
22 Jan 08
excellent! children (even those of age) need to respect the wisdom of their parents and follow their guidance unless it is in sin. what a favor you did for your daughter. some parents are too afraid to speak up and a bunch of lousy marriages result.
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
21 Jan 08
I can understand your concerns with your now son-in-law and it sounds like he's done a few things you didn't approve of in the past. Are you crying from guilt because you didn't go to the wedding or because you feel bad for your daughter? I know you must worry about their relationship.
Yes, I would have gone to my daughter's wedding even if I didn't approve and not said anything at the wedding. I would, however, have vented prior to the wedding and let her know where I stand as her mother, why I feel the way I do and that I love her. I can be guilt ridden pretty easily and it would bother me for a very long time.
We have three girls. Our first daughter married a man that was anything but a man. He came from a good family, had a good education but his morals stunk. He didn't know commitment. My husband did not like our daughter marrying this guy at all but he went and gave her away. It was a big wedding. In fact, the dork husband even planned the wedding, not my husband but the groom. They are now divorced but did stay married for 8 years. No children.
What I am getting at is we may not agree with our kid's choices but we have to support them. If we don't support them, we run the risk of feeling guilty, as mom's.
Hope they have a long, married life together and are happy. That might ease your mind if they lived happily ever after, so to speak.
We never want our kids to get hurt or make wrong decisions but it happens.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Oh no, I don't feel one bit quilty for not going and have since posting this gained some information that only varifies my concerns. I cry for my daughter and my grandchildren. My daughter is an adult but my grandchildren have no say or control in the situation. I know kids will make mistakes, I've made my share of them, but when it involves the things that I've seen I will continue to cry for them, be there when she's ready to accept any help I can give, and pray there is no damage done that can't be fixed down the road.
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
21 Jan 08
First I want to let you know I love you. A daughters wedding is a special event and even if you do not like the man that she is marring she needs you to be there. You did the best you could do in raising her. Now you have to trust the fact that the way you have raised her is deep in her blood. No matter what you say she is going to have to learn as the saying goes the hard way. Parents wish they could stop their children from making bad mistakes when they themselves have gone through the same thing. But the sad thing of it is the child thinks that they are going to handle things differently. Let your daughter know you are there for her and willing to listen to what she has to say. Don't let this marriage ruin a relationship between you and her. I would have gone to the wedding and not said anything. Your daughter needs you and from what you said about this guy she will need you badly in the future.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
21 Jan 08
There have been many times these last few weeks that I wish I could have been stronger and just gone and bit my tongue but even right up to the time of the wedding I just couldn't do it.
I think, pray, that she knows I'll always be here if/when she needs me but I can't go against my own beliefs to please her - I would go to the ends of the earth for all of my children, climb the highest mountain for them, swim the deepest sea but I just could not put my seal of approval on this marriage.
1 person likes this
@twils2 (1812)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Hello Faith,
I understand your delema and have alot of respect for your decision. We had something simalar happen when my wifes son got married about a year ago. The girl he was marrying was always trying to cause trouble with the family and working to try to control everything around her. We did go to the wedding but there was no way we were going to stay for the reception. Now a year later they are getting a divorce and I cant tell you how happy my wife and I are about that. I pray that your daughter can see this guy for what he truley is. I guess in these cases love truley is blind.
You'll be in my prayers, Terry
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
27 Jan 08
Thank you so much for your prayers Terry they are greatly appreciated and much needed.
@snoopy04 (718)
• United States
28 Jan 08
Dont beat yourself up over this. You did what you thought was right and I probably would have done the same thing. My 2 daughters are so young but I know that my husband would have done the same thing you did. It will all work out in the end and there must be a reason why she married him and that things have a way of working out in the end.
Always be there for her and let her know that your home is a haven for her if she ever needs it.
She may be mad now but in time she will need you again and just be there with open arms.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
22 Jan 08
Hi byfaithonly, This is a difficult question to answer, but I believe I would have gone to the wedding, but then I don't know the whole story. You are not helping yourself or your daughter by crying and getting upset. Try to see your son-in-laws good points,(he must have some) go out of your way to be helpful to them, and see what happens. Blessings.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Thank you dear - I am doing my crying in private (well, and on mylot). Believe me I have tried to see some good qualities and actually at one time I liked him but he is a desever and a great actor when he wants. The truth has come out though and try as I can I can't find anything now. "go out of your way to be helpful to them" - both my ex-husband and I have done this for the last 3 years and all we've gotten in return was 'you'll never see your grandkids' every time they don't get what they want when they want it.
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
29 Jan 08
I would have definitly attended her wedding. I couldn't live with myself for being responsible of making her unhappy on her special day. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but it is my opinion only. I am not judging you for waht you felt was right for you. I would have gone and kept my mouth shut. It is her life and she has to live with her decisions, and maybe there is something about this guy that only she can see. We don't really know the person the way our child would know him. How would you feel if your daughter didn't come to your wedding if you were to get married again? It's her life and she has to make her own mistakes. No matter how much we love our children and don't want to see them hurt, they need to learn on their own.
@Estina54 (385)
• United States
22 Jan 08
Well, some people make me sick too, only by their presence, but they might not be mean. Is this man making your daughter happy, did she complain about him? Did she ever say that she made the wrong choice? How is their marriage going on? Did she ever say is is a bad marriage and you were right to oppose it?
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
My daughter claims he makes her happy but I don't think she is in the frame of mind to really know what that means... Truth is I just found out that someone has reported them, my daughter and her husband, to children's protective services - that tells me there is a serious problem and I was right in my feelings that this marriage was not a good idea.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
21 Jan 08
As a mother myself, I'm not sure I could have boyoctted the wedding. This was her day, and this was the choice she has made. While we may not always agree with our children's decisions, we can never stop loving our children, and when they become adults, they are free to make their own decisions. You said in one of the posts that your daughter and her husband are not religious, and she threw away the bible you gave her. It seems to me that maybe she's feeling pressured into your religious beliefs as well as already knowing that you don't approve of her husband. While I believe in God, I do not believe in organized religion. I do not believe I have to go to church every Sunday, but I do believe that if you pray, God hears you and answers your prayers. You may not get the answer you want. If you want to repair the relationship with your daughter, I would suggest that you let her know you still love her, and be there to support her and while you aren't sure about your son-in-law, you hope their relationship works out for the best. That's all you can do. You can't take back not being there for her wedding.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
23 Jan 08
Actually religion had nothing to do with my going to the wedding or not. Neither of my older sons practice any sort of religion but I went to their weddings.
Because of things that have gone on I would not change my mind about this wedding though - it should not have happened and although she is an adult and will make her own choices I will not put my seal of approval on this marriage.
Now, as you say my hopes are first that she and the children will be ok and second that these two 'adults' will wise up and improve their lives in a wide variety of ways.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
23 Jan 08
Yes I would have done as like you I could not have held back
I normally say that the Children need to learn out of their Mistakes but in this case he seems pretty rude as he did not even come in for a Family meeting
I know though that my Kids would not entertain a Partner like that so I guess I am very lucky there
You did right Faith and I am really sorry that your Daughter did this to you
Hugs to you
@Bev1986 (1425)
• United States
28 Jan 08
Oh my, that is such a very, very hard one! I can't honestly say what I would have done. Part of me hopes that I would be strong enough to attend, but I don't know if I could have kept my mouth shut either... and I think that might have been worse than not attending.
She is always going to be your little girl, and when we know our children are doing something they shouldn't, I think it's next to impossible not to let them know. But when do you let them grow up and make their own decisions? Luckily mine are still young, only 14 and 17, but I know the day is coming soon when I have to let them be the ones to make their decisions on their own.
Don't continue to beat yourself up mom.... it's done and over with and you did what you thought was right. I would let your daughter know that you are there for her now, and that you always will be. That's about all you can do at this point.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
23 Jan 08
Gee, that's a toughy. Rotten situation for you Faith and even worse for your daughter and her children. I think she will continue to make bad choices and anything you say or do contrary to her wishes or ideas will be like water off a ducks back.
In your place I think I would have gone. It would show that you are the bigger person and ready to stand by her because you believe she is acting erroneously.
I can also see however that you felt you had to draw a line. I think as parents we have to set a good example. When we stuff up it affects our kids more than we know. It's a hard call to fix things that are wrong and sometimes we just have to stumble along and make the best of things. This isn't much help I know but the best I can offer. Just continue to pray and try not to be upset.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
25 Jan 08
I do not know what I would do, I do not have a daughter, well except for the one gave up for adoption and she is probably married now. Part of the reason we adopted boys was because I did not want to go what you are going through, seeing a daughter of mine make a wrong choice and decide to marry an idiot boy. I would not have attended the wedding. If I had done all I could to try to discourage the union, there is no sense in me now approving it by now going to the wedding.
Your daughter has to know how you feel about it.
@weeleybridge04 (77)
•
23 Jan 08
Hi there, this is a HARD one. I think I would have done what you did and not go to her wedding after all she didn't discuss her plans with you or the rest of the family...she made her decision. I think though that no matter what you feel about this 'man' you have to respect your daughters choice and just be there for her when, or if, it all goes horribly wrong. I would keeep the lines of communication open, especially for your grandchildrens sake,and just let your daughter know that although you don't approve of him you still love her very much and will always be there for her. Good luck. Kathy.
@imagicka (41)
• United States
24 Jan 08
I think you did what you felt was best. Let me ask you this though, Do you regret not going to the wedding? If you answer yes, then you probably did not do what was best like you thought. I would have made it clear to my daughter how I felt about him but at the same time I would have gone to her wedding just the same. I would not want it to backfire in my face if their marriage works out and if my feelings about him were wrong. I also think that since you are divorced as so have I been although I am currently happily married then who are we to judge whether or not the two should be married. Maybe their marriage will work and maybe she will be happy and you will have missed out on it all over a misjudgement you placed on her new husband. Take the time to really get to know him before you judge him. If your daughter is happy then that is all that matters.
Right?
