How do you bond with a step-child you don't really like?

What a hard situation for you to be in.I guess no matter what you try and do you get the age old,"Your not my Mother' routine?Have you tried talking to her?Does she just resent the fact you are in her Mother's life. If you can't get anywhere I would seriously consider counselling before it gets way out of control but you will no doubt need the Mum or Dad's approval for that.Best of luck,I honestly don't envy you/

I would suggest talking to her Mom about the possibility of you and the step daughter going to counseling together. I know it sounds a bit extreme, but it might do her some good. Many kids go through an angry phase and hopefully, that's all it is, but it couldn't hurt to take her in and encourage her to talk to someone. It could be that there's a deeper issue that you know nothing about at the root of the problem.

You do love her, just not her attitude. What needs to be done is come up with ways to build her self-esteem. There are many sites out there that can give you some tips on building self esteem and confidence in children. She needs to feel love and respected and shown that as well. Some tips: -Differentiate the child from her behavior. -Focus on her strengths and not her weakness. -Praise your child when she does something well. -Keep criticism to a minimum. Criticism does not produce positive behavior. Praise does. -Say "I love you" and mean it, everyday.

I agree with sndcain about it being risky talking to the mom. From your discription, it doesn't sound likly that she will agree to anything you suggest. I have been in a double role for over 20 years, being a mother with an ex and having step children as well. It sounds like you are a very loving step mom and what I am going to say next, you probably don't want to hear, even though you are probably the more qualified parent, you are not her mother, but that doesn't mean that you are not a parent to this child. You are in the position of parenting these girls in your husbands absence. The book that will help you is called "step parenting". Any book store will carry this or another book like it. One thing that many step moms tend to do is to get caught up in what the mother is doing wrong. You know what the deal is and you know what, so do the kids but in the mind of a child, you hate my parent, you hate me because I came from that parent. Your feelings towards mom may or may not be voiced, but beleive this, they know how you feel, about mom and about them. Kids pick up on everything even when you think you are covering your feelings well. I knew my ex was an idiot, but I allowed my children to look up to him until they learned for themselves he was an idiot. Now they look up to me for allowing them to form thier own opionions of their father rather than hear it from me. I had a very difficult situation with my 3 step children. Their mother is an idiot too!lol, Even though they knew what there mother was and was not, she was still their mother and it hurts them more than anyone to have to accept that you may be a better mom than the one they have to live with. Talking to her about being happy for others isn't going to win you any medals, but talking to her about being happy for herself will. The oldest child is always the more affected in a divorce, because they understand more. Instead of asking her to be happy for others, try asking her why she is so unhappy and what can you do to help her be happy. While therapy seems to be the more likely solution, I doubt you will get moms approval and I don't think you are going to win any brownie points from your step daughter. Been there, done that. What worked for me was the book and trying to instill a sense of self worth in the kids. What worked also was not putting their mother down, but giving her a reason for being a total mess up. "its hard being a single parent, I am sure she doesn't know how you feel" yadda,yadda, yadda! And it works with them as well. Talking doesn't work as well as showing them. Show her love, show her you care. IGNORE the bad behavior and praise the good. Se will get the message that good earns rewards and praise. I have had 20 years experience in this department and the best advice is tread lightly at all times but don't walk on egg shells. Your house, your rules. Doesn't have to be a war, just a fact. Our therapist said that at the age of 15 or 16 is what they are molded to be for life, so the good news is, you have a few years to encourage and guide her to be the socially acceptable young lady that will make you all proud. Hope this helps hun. You be strong and I am praying for you. p.s. there are a few great movies out there "stepmom" etc. perfect for a family movie night and they have a wonderful message there too.

That is a tough one, but i do know what your going through...or somewhat anyways. My husband is in the Army as well so he is gone alot, but the children we have are all mine. two of them are his step sons and while he is very close to my youngest son, him and my oldest one do not get a long at all. It's hard to deal with at times, but sometimes you just have to work through it and no matter how much you don't like the child at the time you always need to show love. She will come around one day. keep us posted and God bless

Do you really love her, or do you just feel obligated to say you do? I seriously believe that you just can not "love" some one elses child as your own. You may care for her well being, and feel bad because her Mother may not be doing a perfect job, but her Mother is more than likely over looking bad behavior to compensate for the divorce. Well meaning parents do that all of the time. And, in the meantime, they are creating monsters out of their children. Plus, she is 9 and realizes her Daddy in the Army may not come home. What a sad situation for that little 9 year old to be in. It's good you pick them up while he is away and I am sure he appreciates that as well. Just remain consistant and your feelings for her and her feelings for you will more than likely grow into geniune love and caring. Perhaps just a day or even a couple of hours with just her at the local ice cream parlor or park for a walk will help with the bond. I have found that the things that are free A(walks in the park, etc) are sometimes the best times you can have.

first and foremost do believe that yes, some people are born mean. Its either genetics or sunsign or maybe something else, but some people are born mean. They can try and be more compassionate and polite if they want to, but their basic attitude is 'why should i change for others? people can love me or hate me but they have to accept me as i am if they want to and i just dont care if they dont want to'. i am saying this from my personal experience of meeting several such people right from school till my present age of 35. they are just not bothered to be polite if it does not benefit them in any way. you are just wasting your energy here. my take would be to be as civil to her as possible, do only that much as your brief calls for, do not try to change her...she will not and in the process you will hurt yourself. loving her more will not change her, it will make her haughtier and reinforce her belief that she was born to be loved and served by all. but i really admire you for loving her inspite of her attitude. i usually stay clear of such people.

Are you me talking about my step kids!?!? I have 2 step kids 11 year old boy "P" and 7 year old girl "B". B and I get along great she is loveable, sweet, mannerly, nice, and helpful. P is another story. He is rude, inconsiderate, stone faced, and spoiled. I just like you don't like how they are being raised out side of our home. My husband and I have rules that they don't have at home. For example they can play video games for 24 hours out of the day there but at our house they get 1 hour a day there is NO need for more then that. Of course "mean old step mom" is the one with that rule. Reality is it is both my husband and my rule. I want to like him but some times I just can't. I love both of them a lot but I just don't have the connection with them. Good luck if you ever find the real answer let me know. I think its great of you to still take the girls even when your husband isn't there. I usto do that but not any more, I just couldn't take the disrespect any more.

it's a hard one, encourage her to do good things and when she does anything nice no matter how small praise her for it, that will be an encourager to do more

I am a stepmother to a boy who is now 19 and has a terrible history and a behavioral problem. When my husband divorced this boys mother, the child was shoved into a foster home because the father was working full time and the mother was too fed up with his behavioral problems to bother with him. Naturally this has given him a real self esteem problem. I learned early in my marriage that this boy is going to be in the picture no matter what I do. The best thing I find for me is to stay out of disciplining as much as I can. When he works to annoy me, I work at ignoring him, and that frustrates him, but I am usually ahead in the end. Being a stepmother takes a few tons of patience, for sure. Don't try to act like a mother unless she wants you for a mother, or else she will resent you. Once I got on a good balance with my stepson he started referring to me of his own decision as My Stepmom. Because it became stepmom and not stepmother without any prompting from me, I knew then that I was making progress in the right direction.

I am a b*st*rd, and was never able to truly impress my parents. By all means use discipline, but make sure that scorn isn't your only method of teaching. I grew up learning everything about what was wrong, but I had to learn on my own what was right, because I never got validation for it. I was 25 the first time my mother (biological mother) ever told me she was proud of me. Spend time with her. Sit down with her occasionally, and help her with her homework. Remember that all children, blood-related or not, will "hate" you for disciplining them as they grow, and swear they will never be like you. But by the time they are grown, they will eventually come to realize all they know is what you taught them. Correct this girl when you must, tell her what would have been the right thing to do, and give her validation when she does it.

I don't have a step child but I do have a son who my grandmother has at the moment. But I do see him twice a week. I'm going to give you some ideas I hope these will help. Ignore the behavior you don't want to see. Praise her for the behavior that you do see. Reward her for the behavior that you do see. It will take alot of work but I know you can do it. Her mother must be putting her down so kids will repeat what they see. If you praise and make her feel better about herself than eventually that will be what you see in her. I know it won't happen over night and I know it will take alot of work I hope that helps.

i can identify with u in the step mother department - except i had step sons, 3 as a matter of fsct (from 2 different men), not at the same time, and from my situations have learned that if u love them u will find a way to talk to her and get her to be nice. i just hope for your sake that your girls take to you better than my boys took to me. i wish u the best.

My husband has a 12 year old daughter who can be very difficult too. I let him deal with her tears and tantrums as I feel it is not my place. I make suggestions to him on how to deal with her. It is a really difficult situation when you have step children as the child throws the fact "you are not my mum" back at you.... However whilst under our care we have a duty to look after his daughter and I will not have my home disrupted by a 12 year old. Have you tried asking her what the problem is and why she behaves the way that she does? The fact that her dad is away may be affecting her and you are bearing the brunt of her anger for this.

Well, I'm not sure what you can do except stick to the rules of your household and when she breaks them, follow through with the punishments. She has to learn that it's unacceptable to be mean to others. She needs someone to give her a taste of her own medicine, but I'm not sure on how to go about that. I wish you the best of luck. I used to have 3 step-kids that I just couldn't get along with. I was about to pull my hair out and it had such an impact that I'm not with their father anymore. I'm not, in any way, telling you to leave your husband, I'm just telling you what happened in my situation. Good Luck!

you are really a good person! your husband is lucky to have you!! the way you treat her and bond with her is one way of helping her even if its only such a limited time..however its her mother plays a great role on the shaping of her behavior..why not try to talk it out with her mother first..i know your intention is good just make it known to her..