I need help with my MOM
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
United States
January 28, 2008 9:03am CST
As a lot of you know my mom is a horrible person and did not want my twin sister and I. She is an alcoholic who is in a nursing home. I let her live with my husband and I for ten years until she took to much for me to care for here so she went into a nursing home.
She has osteoarthritis, and stays 23 1/2 hours in bed a day. She only gets out of bed to use the rest room. She is incontinent of urine. She is on heavy narcotics for her "pain". I say "pain" because mom is an alcoholic and cannot get alcohol so she traded one high for another.
Mom is within here right mind I say this because she I cannot go to a judge and get her deemed incompetent.
A nurses aid who works at the nursing home has asked mom to move in with her. Mom is going to move. I think this is the worst thing in the world mom to do. Mom has fallen several times. This CNA which mom will not tell me who it is so I cannot get her in trouble, works and will leave mom alone when she is at work. Mom is going to move February 25th. When I objected mom accused me of not wanting her to be happy. She went into a long dissertation about how unhappy her life has been. She was sexually abused by her dad, she married my dad just to get out of the house, she had us twins she did not want, I made her live with me and would not let her do anything and then put her in the nursing home. What a firkin bit$ch.
I went to my dad who is remarried, and asked him if he ever head anything of mom being molested. He said "NO". I should say mom has a long history of making up lies.
The problem is I am afraid for mom's health and well being. I do not know this aid from Adam. I do not know if this aid wants mom's social security. I do not now what to do this. Do I go to the nursing home and talk to someone? Do I let well enough alone because this could be another one of mom's lies?
I did tell mom if she moves she will have to take care of herself from now on. I will not and cannot go to her doctor’s appointments; I will not be shopping or be doing anything for her. She is on a class three narcotic that means she will have to go to the doctor’s office to pick up the prescription and then take it to the pharmacy. How is she going to do that while staying in bed? Mom does not push herself in her wheel chair because it hurts her arms.
Mom became homeless at the age of 59 because she quite working because she decided it was time one of her daughters to take care of her. She would brag about it to a friend of mine. Mom could have gotten help before she became homeless but did nothing until she lost her mobile home. That was 13 years ago now what makes her think she can handle her own finances? One of my biggest fears is she will not get along with this woman or she is setting me up again so I will have to let her move in with me again.
I need some help with what to do with mom. I am so angry with mom. I also hate mom for all the bad things she has done to my twin sister and I. I resent her for not being an adult and not taking care of herself. I am disabled and cannot care of her.
Thank you for your help
8 people like this
13 responses
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
29 Jan 08
Well, you needed to vent alright. I went thru your post very carefully as I always look out for such frank discussions and your plight has really touched me. You have indeed got a raw deal from life as far as mother is concerned. You see, each of us individuals are bonded with somebody else thru some relation or the other and inspite of our selfishness and our shortcomings, we are always trying to reach out and help our friends, families and even neighbours. But no matter how intimate and intertwined the relation is, we have to draw a line at some point. Like a parent should never indulge an offspring beyond a certain line similarly, no offspring should be expected to give up their personal lives for the sake of the parent. I think both you and your hubby have done enough for the lady and its time to let her go and get on with your life. She is more like a recalcitrant child than a mature parent and I think only when you let her go, will she value your bonding.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
30 Jan 08
Ok Sweetie I have been following your past with your Mum and I do not want to sound harsh
But if I where you I would let her move in with this Person and then see what happens
I am sure the Nursing Home will need an Address where she is going as they have to pass the Doctor Notes on and they can not just let someone move out without knowing where she is going
Now in my Theory what I am reading here is that it is possible she is lying to worry you so that you will take her in and she will make your Life h*ll, you are not well enough to do that
I do believe that you should talk to the Nursing Home as they should be aware of this if she is moving on the 25th February so really she must have informed them that she is moving
And I think you will find then that they will investigate the matter
If the Person she is "moving" in with works there it will not be possible to keep it quiet
So that is what I would do
I hope that you will be able to get this Problem sorted and you know where I am if you need me
Hugs
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
30 Jan 08
Well if this Person works there and it is really true then she should be aware of it
I still say that the Nursing Home have got to be aware that your Mum is moving she must have told them
I know here they would contact the Family to find out if they are aware of it and all that
I hope just hope that your Mum is not lying just to try and get you to move her in with you
And I am glad that you are telling her that she is to move her own stuff as your Hubby is not her slave and I hope she gets the Message
Love and Hugs to you
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
30 Jan 08
I spoke to mom today she called me. I told her that she would have to go to the doctors office and get the script for the meds she is on because it is a class three narcotic. She said "OH well she will have to take me she said she would." She being the girl she is moving in with.
Mom could not get into my car when I moved her into the nursing home. I cannot see mom being able to get into a minivan.
Mom wants me to go to the lady's home with her. I do not want to be anywhere with mom. I need to talk to this woman alone.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
30 Jan 08
Thanks gabs. I think I am going to the administrator in the next couple of days. I will see what happens next. Mom will not tell me who this person is. I do not know the nurses well enough to find out on the sly who this person is.
If it is a lie I do not want to get anyone in trouble. I think all involved is not thinking this through.
I cannot stop mom from moving if that is what she wants she will have to get someone else to move her. She wants my hubby to move some of her stuff that we have stored in our garage. I am going to tell her she has to get someone else do it. My husband is no longer at her beck and call.
When mom lived with us it got to where mom would chew out my husband if he did not do what mom wanted. I felt that she was oversteping her boundries.
I will not help her at all she need to pay her own bill, she needs to go to social security to change things with her payment, she needs to get her own prescirptions and diapers. I wish I could talk to this aid and explain all this to her.
1 person likes this
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
28 Jan 08
Your dilema is truely touching-yet all i know is, whether you like it or not, that is your mom-you talk to us here today because your mom begot you. lt need be appreciated that you are hurting, you feel terribly betrayed by a woman who should have had the greatest reservior of love for you and your twin sister but she showed she had none! Please i want to beg you to appreciate your mom's background, the molestations, the terrible beginnings for her-you couldnt probably expect her to be a straight traditional mother whose love for her children lasts for ever-she had a warpped childhood and childhoods and backgrounds make us in our adult life! Before i read just how bitter you are now, I had already come to the conclusion that you are a very courageous person-look here, you put aside the hatred of your mom and looked after her in your own marrital home until she needed specialized care in a nursing home- Please dont call her a bi.ch-honour that woman even if she gave you no known honor-try to show her that even in your diability-you cannot be disabled for her-remember you helped her before, and you can help her again-put away your resentment-your mother is not a mother this is a fact. If I make comparisons, my mother had nothing but she loved me with her whole blood, I swear, she could offer her neck to be chopped off instead if that would make us her children live-that is why I find your mother very unmotherly and i probably would resent her just as you do right now-But-Please-Dont lose track of the fact that she is your mother-remember, motherhood is sacred before God and before man-put aside her failed role as a mother because she is you only Mother! Look after her-call her back or find a place where you and your twin sister can give collective assistance! the idea of going with that nurs, is good, but like you note, she needs care and the shame will come back to you and your twin siter because how could you allow a complete stranger however well intenioned, to take care of your mum while you still live? Think about it! Try to show that woman that you love her and you are after her happiness!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
We are from a different county and our value systems are different. I for one cannot take her abuse any longer. I cannot take her beatings anylonger. Even as an adult living in my home she continued to abuse me physicially. She can still hit and pinch and I will not allow her to do that to me ever again.
To be told everyday of my life "I did not want you I do not love you, I wish I never had you and then proceed to beat me and my twin does not desever to be respected nor does she desever to taken care of any longer by me.
We have an older sister who mom and dad wanted. She is the golden child she does not even want mom!
I thank you for your help but mom will not lay a hand on me ever again so I will not let her live in my home again.
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
29 Jan 08
I didnt imagine that woman you call your mum was that bad-you see, I thought the abuse was when you were stillyoung, i didnt know this was an on going thing-please please-leave that heartless woman alone-even God our father in heaven knows you tried!
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
29 Jan 08
yes talk to the director of the nursing home, and also find out if she does have all her faculties and if not get guardianship of her and then you make the decisions
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
30 Jan 08
yep I have been away for 7 months and just came back
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@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
Wintrose it has been a long time since I have heard from you thanks for responding.
I am going to start out by calling the doctor then call the director of the nursing home.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
28 Jan 08
Talk to somone in charge at the Nursing Home. They usually have psychologist for the residents/patients and they can talk with her. I think the person that wants her to move in with her (if it's not a lie) would be in a lot of trouble if that happened. There are state regulations that watch out for the residents/patients. Definitely talk to someone in charge.
It might be time to think about getting a Financial and/or Medical Power of Attorney for your mother. That way you can act in her best interests at times like this.
Best of luck to you!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
To tell you the truth I am tired of playing her games. I am tired of going and fetching for her. When I go and buy something for her she compalines about it. It is wrong it is not what she used before. There is always something she does not like about it. I have been doing it for 13 years. I have been thinking of trying to get a conseverator for her.
When mom first when into the nursing home I had a counselor see her and mom would not talk to him. She refused his services she said there was nothing wrong with her it was everyone else.
I will have to call the nursing home and get some feelers out I do not know if it is true of not.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
29 Jan 08
I'm sure you're very frustrated and torn. This is not an easy situation for you.
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@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
On one hand I would love to be out from under her and have nothing to do with her and on the other hand I do not want to see her homeless or abused.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
29 Jan 08
This is very dangerous and highly unethical. But this does not sound true to me at all. I have been a CNA. They are not going to just let your mother up and walk out of there with anyone. They are completely responsible for her.
If you are the one who they know normally takes care of her, I am sure they will contact you before releasing her. I think that your mom is trying to make you feel guilty. I also think that you are still trying to get her approval. You need to let go of all of that.
This is not healthy for you. Let the hatred go. The way your mother treats you and treated you, does not define who you are. I can understand you wanting to be there to help her, but stop allowing her to get to you.
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
You are right I the hatred is not healthy. The relationship is sick.
I know if and when she leaves I have to sign her our or she can go against medical advise.
I want her safe and happy but most importantly safe. She no longer can take care of herself so why does she think she can do it at 72 when she could not do it at 59.
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
31 Jan 08
OK Teapot, now I am confused, you said she has not been declared incompetent, but here you say if she leaves you have to sign her out, has she given you power of attorney? If not then why would you have to sign her out? Have I missed something?
1 person likes this
@shewolf52002 (1214)
• United States
31 Jan 08
I think I get what she was saying, her mother is mentally competent according to the courts but if she leaves the home un-assisted it is against medical advice? In other words the home is covering their behinds if she leaves and gets hurt.
My advice? Let her go. She is an adult even if she doesnt act like it. And if she went into the home voluntarily she can leave the same way. She will have to sign a form called AMA, but they have to let her leave if she chooses.
Love her for being the one to give you life but protect your heart, home and family from her. Sometimes all we can do is watch while a family member crashes and burns, but we dont have to be close enough to be burned ourselves. I pray you find peace and remember God loves you.
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
28 Jan 08
What is your address you deserve a big hug and a medal for all you have been through,
Now to answer your question, if you mother is considered competent that she is free to do as she wishes, and she no doubt see this aid as some one who will be her slave, But what she thinks and what she does is not your PROBLEM. Your mother and her manipulating people with half truths and out right lies has come home to rest Solly on her. You are not part of this decision process. I can not think of one good thing she did for you and even after years of abuse you took care of her. She is very good at what she does so let her do as she wants. The only way she is going to find out and get a reality check is if she experiences one. Please do not take that away from her. She is not a child that needs to be protected, she is a cunning manipulative nasty person, who has paved her own road to what ever she wants, and it is only your kindness and charity that has prevented her from falling, she really needs to experience a thing gone wrong in her life, and find her own way out, rather than some one once again coming in to rescue her.
I am not cold hearted honestly but being kind, and caring, and helping to this woman has not worked because it is what she expects not what she has earned,
Can you honestly say to me you love and respect this woman. You are doing this because she is your MOTHER, well I hate to tell you this but she may be your mother but to her you are some one to be used and abused at every opportunity. If you do not play her game she can not win, do not be her willing victim ever again. The only this I would ever do for this woman is to call 911 when she is dying nothing else is needed or wanted.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
Robin thank you. You are absoutly right. She does not desever me.
She has not once asked about my twin sister. The only thing she has wanted to know about my twin is what here house looks like. Not how is she, is she fine. My twin is suffering terribally from fibromyaligia and MS. In the last 13 years mom has not asked about here grandchildren. Mom has four beautiful grandchildren. This tells you what a selfish person she is. I am wanting to become a grandma so badly. I want to be involved in my grandchilds lives.
I thank you for your kind words and your advise you are so right with everything you say.
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
28 Jan 08
If she ends up on the street again, its quite possible that a judge can declare her incompetent.
You don't have to take her in if that happens, you can put her back in a nursing home & this time she can't remove herself.
Its not outside the realm of possiblity that you can go to the administrator & tell them what your mother is doing - but you don't know with whom. And then contact a lawyer to have a compentcy hearing on your mother.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
In California it is very hard to declair them imcompantant.
@riderinlife (31)
• United States
28 Jan 08
well i know this road very well! my sister(had my neice at 16) is just the same way with my neice, she abandoned her at a very young age and now is comming back sayin well jane (my neice) will take care of her . i know this sounds cold but: LET HER GO! it will be a big stress off you and if ya go over to help do just that and leave. if go over to help then ya can see what's goin on, not that you need to get invloved, i know it's your mom, but trust me i have a neice that has to JUST NOT CARE & GO ON WITH HER LIFE AND THAT'S WHAT SHE DID! SO YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU AT PEACE!so i'm telling you a true story so you can see your not alone and your not mean or hateful to your mom, no matter what she did does or anything . good luck - i know it's s long long road, stay happy.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
Thank you. I am not taking anything you say as being mean. I should never have let mom live with me in the first place. Mom thinks she is such a great mother and talks so much trash about me to those people at the nursing home.
I am afraid mom will become homeless and end up coming here. Mom is such a great mulitapulator. She can lie and cheet anyone just to get what she wants.
Thank you for your advise
@anetteh (3590)
• Sweden
29 Jan 08
Wow, I do feel for you. You have a lot on your hand. However, I also feel that since you are an adult, you simply can not and should not have to deal with this. You should not have to become your mother´s mother if you understand what I mean. I think you should ask social services for help and let them take care for and about her. If she can not contact them her self, that is what you can help her with. And if I were you, I would not let her move in with you and your husband. I know that sound to hard, but it is not in your marriage interest to take on your mother in the state she is in.
god bless you and your family.
Anette
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
30 Jan 08
Anette sometimes we have to take care of our parents but mom has used and abused me to long. I am used up with her lies and abused. Mom thinks I owe her because she had me and raised me.
I do not think my daughter nor son owes me a thing.
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
29 Jan 08
I think your very first step is to go to the head of the nursing home and file a complaint. I feel sure that they would frown on an employee interfering in a family like this. Next I would speak with her Physcian, then I would go to your local counsel on aging, because this Rn or LPN knows your Mom's health situation, and for her to take her home and not provide a nurse to come in is abuse. You better believe if this is true and not just a story your Mom made up, this woman has an agenda, let's face it who would take on this kind of responsibility just out of kindness. Also if your mom gets disability payments I would contact Social Security and let them know what is going on. I wish you luck, it is very hard to prove that someone is incompetent, My sister and I went through that with our Mom,it took two long years, and she was lighting fires in her living room floor; but she knew her name, and the date and who was president, so there fore, instead of incompentent, it was a lifestyle choice. Go figure!!!! Blessings
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
30 Jan 08
I know is California it is very hard to say she is incompetent. The person is an CNA she is not a LPN or RN. I think a LPN or RN would have more sense than bring a client home with them.
It it a wonder your mom did not burn herself up while she was fight those fires in her home.
I hate that mom has put he in this susiation. MOm has said "I never asked you to take care of me." Like He77 she asked me to take care of her at the age of 59 when she became homeless and has been relying on me ever since.
Mom was so mean to us girls when we where growing up my sisters do not want to do anything with her. My twin sister came for a visit and would not go and see mom. I understand where she was coming from and did not encourage her.
The sad thing is mom is alianating her own family because of her lies and her abuse.
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
30 Jan 08
Sometimes no matter how hard we try or how much we love someone, we have to just let them go. Sometimes it is unhealthy for us to have such a distructive relationship in our lives. As much as she is your mom, she doesn't want your help so leave it be. Let her make her own decissions and that way if they don't work out she can't blame it on anyone else but herself. I know this is hard to do but sometimes we have no choices in life and we just have to do what is best. If this aide rips her off it will be your mothers own fault, not yours. you did your best to inform her about it and so your job is done. Now let your mom live her own life and just sit back.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
30 Jan 08
Thank you I have tried to do that and every time mom runs into trouble she comes running back to me.
I have to lean to have a spine and tell her no. I cannot help you anymore.
@Minotaur (105)
•
29 Jan 08
First you need to go the Director and get this sorted out. As you said your Mom is a nightmare to get on with, whos door is she going to be knocking on when it goes wrong?
You need to think of yourself and your family.
Try "Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out" by Dr Phil. It has a lot of stuff about going back and looking at what shaped the way you view the world, dealing with it, and forgiving and forgetting it.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
29 Jan 08
I will deffiantly look into getting that book. I think that it might help. Thanks for the help
