i am having major issues!!!!!!!!!!
By asgtswife04
@asgtswife04 (2475)
United States
January 31, 2008 8:04pm CST
So, I don't know if I am just under great attack right now from Satan or what is going on, but it seems like my children and I are constantly at each other's throats or they are at their own throats. My husband is overseas right now, so I am raising our three children on my own...but everyday something new and even worse seems to be happening lately. My two boys, ages 9 and 8, have all of a sudden started the violence thing with each other...my daughter, almost two, whines and cries and yells all day long and I really feel like I'm about to loose my mind. For example, tonight I completely went off on every single one of them. I know my blood pressure had to have been going through the roof, but i'm just so worn out and tired of fighting and never having a good day it seems like anymore. My children, although i do discipline them, have seemed to loose sight of me being the parent and them to young to do what they want. I have always tried my best to show them guidance and to show them God's love for them through me, but these past few weeks have been very hard for me to do that. I feel like i am always yelling or grounding or spanking and i'm just tired. I don't have anyone to help me with them and I know they really need a man around the house to help them see what they are supposed to be and to know they can't run all over everyone. Their biological father has always taught my boys that they do not respect women and that they don't matter. They are always so awful when they come back from their dad's house and it's absolutely killing me. I am afraid i'm gonna get so stressed out that i'm gonna end up having a stroke or something. I have cried, yelled, been calm, you name it and nothing seems to be working at this point. I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle things and i need my husband home so bad it's not even funny anymore. There are days i don't even wanna get out of bed for fear of how the day is going to go that day. Any one have any suggestions for me on how to handle my kids or how to get them to learn to respect me when all they are being taught is to not respect me. I'm almost at my breaking point and really needed to vent a little, so any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance and God bless
5 people like this
10 responses
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Oh my you poor thing,i can understand what you are going through with doing this all alone.I raised 5 children 3 boys and 2 girls,but thank God their father was home with me except when he worked...You have a biological father is fighting against you and that does not help matters any...especially a father that has no respect for women,you have your hands full...Your husband oversea's and all you have to really be stressed...Boys at this age is tough, i know i had 3 fighting boys a lot..I would sit them boys down and lay down the law to them, i would tell them that women are to be respeceted as well as a man and that you demand that they respect you..The little one is probably whining because the two older boys are fighting all the time...I am just wondering if they act this way with their father? if not maybe you should send them there so he can
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 08
you know i was just reading what you said about your ex husband,and i really dod not think they need to be with him that much,so disregard what i said about sending them there for him to keep....Does he have visiting rights? and does he pay child support? If not maybe there would be some way to keep them away from him.He does not sound like a very good father and he seems to be a bad influence on them.Have you ever thought about or maybe could stop his visiting rights until he gets help..You know they can do that with people like him or at least have a person go with them for a visit...Like a monitored visit???????????????
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
yeah, well there is a problem with sending them to their dad's house. He has supervised visitation because of his drinking and he hit my kids. His mother has to be there every other weekend when he gets them, but they let the boys do what ever they want to and spend absolutely no time with them at all. they sit on the couch while the boys destroy the house or do whatever they want. they let them just walk down the road to other people's houses with no supervision what so ever. i'm about ready to take him back to court and have all visitation removed, but they want to see him though. it's a tough call to make. i never had a father, except my step dad, who always felt that firmness and meaness was showing kids a father. nothing was ever out of love or hugs. i'm just sick of the whole situation and i'm so ready for my husband to be home. things were so much easier then. thanks for responding and God bless
@terilee79720 (3621)
• United States
1 Feb 08
It certainly sounds like you (and your family) are under great attack. It's his job to steal, kill and destroy. That's all he knows.
We find ourselves attacked through the things we love the most - our children.
Your comment about how your children act after they come home from their dad's house is an important one; one you should consider. Another comment you make about needing your husband is another issue that is an emotional one.
I think you should take a deep breath and remember who is in control. First God, then you, (since your husband is away), then your kids. You are the parent.
Continue to pray.
@terilee79720 (3621)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I have added you to my intercessory prayer list darlin'.
God never gives us more than we can handle. We just have to remember to continue to do our part, and He will continue to do His.
I wish I could give you better advice, but the best advice I've ever known was to continue to keep the faith. It's what has helped me in each and every situation, when I started to feel like I couldn't go on.
My heart goes out to you and your family. God Bless You!
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have definitely been under great attack from Satan and he's not winning this one just like he doesn't win the other ones. i'm just so exhausted and there are of course times i would love to just give up, but God always gives me that extra strength just when i think i have none left. God is definitely first in my home. I will be praying and would love to have prayers from others like you. thanks again. your words were very comforting. God bless
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
2 Feb 08
thank you so much. that really means alot to me that you would do that. Prayers are greatly appreciated and needed right now. I am definitely keeping the faith and praying like crazy here at home. It's always important and i know that this is just another test. thanks again and God bless you as well
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
I also can feel your pain. I have been into situation like yours, when my husband was staying in an area away from us to be near his workplace. So, he's not coming home everyday but only 2 consecutive days a week. Then, I noticed, whenever their father is around, they are somehow being proper. But if I'm all alone, all these strange acts will manifest.
So, I asked my husband to come home everyday, no matter what the consequence, coz I feel like I'm gonna loose my mind on how to discipline them. I only raise my voice on them, while my husband use physical punishment. But one thing I noticed, after the physical punishment, the children will always remember that. So, whenever they commit mistakes or about to commit one, just one look from my husband and they're shut down, just like a meek sheep.
I'm not suggesting physical punishment though, but just for once, and they will know who's in charge. Rewards program also works, but I don't like to bribe them, making them think that they gotta be good to get rewards. I want them to be good without expecting any reward from us, but the good feeling of being good, that they shouldn't be afraid because they've been good.
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
I have experienced that before, when I was in the verge of scolding them, and they laugh. I asked them why they laugh, if they find me funny or does it seems like i'm joking around. Then, I will let them kneel down facing the wall, with arms wide open. If I hear them laugh again while they're kneeling down, I will put books on each hand, until they realize I'm serious.
Sometimes, I make them stop what they're doing right away and put them to bed immediately. My children are over-active, they're not the kind that goes to bed on time. They will be jumping up and down their beds if I'm not around. So, I have to stay in their room, sometimes falling asleep while waiting for them to be asleep. Going to bed early is a burden to them coz they couldn't go on with their mess around the house. If they realized they still do not want to go to bed yet, they'll say sorry and promise to behave.
So you have to look for their weaknesses and make it beneficial for you in disciplining them. I sometimes challenge them to do what I'm doing in the house, and I will mess around them(I mean, exchange places), then I'll ask them how would they feel.
The best thing I did was to make my children feel guilty by telling them how bad their deeds, and how it makes me feel. Then I let them imagine if I do that to them. The result is; all of us are crying, feeling sorry for each other. Then they go to sleep.
I have tried showing them a video of how painful giving birth is, and how bloody was the baby when delivered. Let them compare it with their experiences on their wounds, making them realize how much they are loved by their mother by bearing the pain just to give them life and live in this world. That's how I got the sympathy of my children when I heartily talk to them. You can try that to gain back that respect, that their biological father has stolen from you.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
thanks for your response. I hope your husband started coming home everyday, unfortunately, mine is 20,000 miles away so that is a little impossible. He'll be home in june though. thank goodness. I have done everything to try and not spank...i've done the corner, grounded, made them write sentences, etc. nothing works and quite frankly the spanking doesn't either. they laugh at me when i'm finished. God bless
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
2 Feb 08
thank you again so much. you have definitely given me a lot to think about on how to handle them from now on. i'll keep everyone posted and let you know how it turns out. thanks and God bless
@Kaeli72 (1229)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I can almost feel your pain. The reason I'm saying that because I too thought that something was going on with my children. My oldest (girl) is 12, followed by (all boys) 11,7,2 and one month old. Lately, they've (minus the baby) have been at each other's throats. I've felt horns grow out from my head, fangs from my mouth and my eyes glow red....oh, and claws from my fingernails. My partner isn't helping me much so I feel like I'm all alone in this parental endevor.
For some kids, they will respond greatly if you sat them down and just talk to them. Let them know that you're aware that they too miss daddy, but they are the "men" of the household and that mommy could really use their help. If that doesn't tug at their heart strings then have them write sentances..."I will not hit brother"...or something like that.
Oh my, I just fully read your plea and if they are coming from father's house and coming back brats, then you need to let them know that that kind of behaviour and attitude will not fly in the real world.
Or...you're just going to have to buckle down and really get hard on them. It's sad when you have to watch your every move in public, for fear of borderline child abuse, but I let my kids know I mean business!
As stated before, my children are at each other's throats because my partner and I are fighting all the time and it looks like ties are going to have to be cut. Because of the tension, that's why they are acting like monsters. I've heard them talk to each other like the "man of the house" talks to them and that kind of role model isn't acceptable.
Good luck!
@Kaeli72 (1229)
• United States
1 Feb 08
A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Thanks for the bit at the end. That was funny. Yeah it's very difficult for me to send them to their dad's house right now because he talks trash to them about me and then they come home acting up and it takes me forever to get it out of them, but this time they have totally crossed the line and my husband isn't here right now to be the man of this house and it's bee really tough on all of us. They think because he's not here, i don't matter. how wrong they are! i've done sentences, i've grounded, i've spanked, you name it i've done it short of beating them. I never spank in anger. i wait until i calm down and can do it in love. i am just so tired of it. thank you for responding and giving me some things to think about. God bless
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
2 Feb 08
this is true. my husband has talked to them over the phone and over the internet, but they think since he's not here he can't do anything about it. they don't understand that he will be home in four months and that he is going to take over control with all three of them when he gets here. he hears and sees what i go through every day and it really makes him mad. thank you for responding and i agree that it is so wrong to talk bad about the other parent just because your mad at them. i have never downed my boys dad because it's not right. they need to determine on their own their own opinions about him...it's not my place to try and put it in their heads. thanks again and God bless
@Linda4ualways (2282)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Wow! I abosolutely feel your pain for I am a single mother of 3 boys (12, 13, and 17). The way they fight with eachother and the names they call eachothe makes me wonder if there is any love between them. I have felt like you, and as a matter of fact, one evening my boys were going at it with eachother and i was trying to tell them to stop but of course they didn't hear me so i kindly put on my coat and preceded to leave when one of them asked me, "mommy where are you going?", and i kindly answered saying that i was going for a long walk and if you guys want to kill each other, go right ahead and then i just left. At that moment i really had to leave the house because just like you, i felt as if i was about to snap. I also believe it's the sign of the times because back when i was a little girl, when mommy said stop, i just stopped. it's as if the respect for the fact that we're their mothers doesn't exist anymore. I have done all the things you mentioned in your post but one thing i have done but didn't see you mention was pray. Do you pray? Try it okay. It can't hurt. Or maybe just give yourself by getting out..........alone, if possible because every mom needs a break sometimes. A nice stiff drink wouldn't hurt either (lol). God Bless you to and best of wishes.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
2 Feb 08
I do pray...didn't know i left that part out. I spend a lot of time in prayer, there are even nights when the Lord wakes me up to pray for my kids and will not let me go back to sleep until He's finished what He wanted me to do. I am a firm believer in prayer and the Bible. They are my strength at many times. thank you for your words and God bless.
@Freewill435 (3)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Have you ever heard of Emotional Freedom Technique(EFT), its the most incredible technique I ever seen and it has transformed my life and my relationships with others. You can go to youtube and look up EFT. I hope this helps and I know if you apply this technique it will transform your life as well. Let me know what you think.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
2 Feb 08
i haven't heard of this but i will check it out and let you know what i think about it. thanks and God bless
@Freewill435 (3)
• United States
3 Feb 08
Yes check it out if you need I can sent you some great links where you can watch the video of EFT demonstrated, but you can find it on youtube easily. I truly believe this can help you change the way you interact with your kids and everyone around you. Its also great to let kids practice EFT, I am fairly new to it myself but I can feel already the difference in my life. Hope it helps, let me know how you like it.
@piesmeralda (388)
• Philippines
1 Feb 08
During the time when my husband was not around and I am almost hopeless with my 3 children. I talked to my eldest(9), before he went to bed. I asked him to help me, not to add more pressure on my responsibilities being another subject for discipline. I told him that while his father is not around, he should be helping me, take care of his brother and sister, not teasing them to make them cry or grab their toys. He's already old enough for toys, he should be doing everything to make them laugh and enjoy playing with him. I told him to value his status as the eldest, to be the role model and be respected by his other siblings. You know how he reacted? He cried and said sorry. Now, everytime he comes home from school, he'll bring something for his siblings.
Though, there are still times that they clash among each other, he still needs reminding from me.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I have tried talking to my 9 year old as well and at times he actually used to help and would cry and say he was sorry, but this time he's really just been very stubborn and unwilling to do anything. it's like he thinks he's king of the house and that no one else matters. my second child gets mad and results to violence cause he gets tired of being bossed around and my youngest just whines all day long and pitches fits. oh, i'm so tired. thanks for responding and God bless
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
1 Feb 08
I think that you have to undo the damage your first man has done to them (I have no idea whether you were single before or divorced because of his cruelty so I do not know the term to use.) Since they do not respect you, you may have to give them the idea that their now daddy who is overseas is not like their former dad. Tell them that he will be home, and maybe get them interested in writing letters or talking to him via the web cam if you have one.
Now for the hard part, you have to be firm. Think of what your husband did when he was home, and follow his lead. If he gave them warnings, and grounded them that is what you should do. If he gave them a spanking after they were bad numerous times of disobeying, do that. If he put them on time out, do that. The thing is to make them believe that he is giving you the authority to discipline them. You can show them God's love, but hugging them and saying, "well mommy really does not want to spank you, will do no good."
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
1 Feb 08
Another thing you can do, is if you watched Supernanny or Nanny911, one of the things they do is have a reward where those who clean their room, do not talk back, do not fight or do not use negative behavior will get a prize. That might work.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
yeah,i thought so to, but it doesn't work with my kids. already tried it. they haven't had a star on their chart in a week and a half. it's just been crazy. thanks again
@kiran1978 (4134)
• Australia
1 Feb 08
Hi, sorry to hear how stressed you are. I understand how you feel as I have 2 kids of my own and another on the way. I am also a teacher and I know how kids can really get on your nerves. By the sounds of it your kids are probably playing up because there is a change in the house, your hudband is away. They also pick up when you are stressed. First of all you need to try and relax, somehow get a babysitter if not too expensive, maybe a couple of times a week. Go and pamper yourself, get a massage or go for relxing walk. The more relxed you are the less tension they will feel also, especially your little one. My three year old misbehaves really badly when I am stressed.
Since you have tried disciplining your kids are that is not currently working. I thought maybe you could set up a rewards chart at home. Sit the kids down and write out the behaviours you want them to change. i.e - show respect for all people in the house. Try and focus on maybe a few goals a week. Each time you notice any positive behaviour towards these three goals then give them a star. Maybe when they have 10 stars they can receive a reward (does not have to cost money, could be something simple like letting them have friend to sleep over or trip to the beach). Negotiate with them, make them responsible for their actions. Hope this helps you in some way, I use positive reinforcement in my classrooms and it works wonders, I think it would work great in your home too.
Take care, you need to look after yourself too and try and unwind.
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
1 Feb 08
The boys have a calendar set up in their room, of course one for each, and i put stars on the days that they've been good. At the end of the week they get an allowance and get to go out and buy what they want. they haven't had a star in a week in a half though. it's been awful. it's like they went to their dad's and my children didn't come back. not sure who's they are. LOL! I try and laugh because if i don't i'll just cry. thanks for responding. hopefully this is just a season that will pass like so many others have. God bless
