I have to get this off my chest...
By jerritts1mom
@jerritts1mom (816)
United States
February 1, 2008 12:51am CST
Hi fellow mylotters, I hope you don't mind me releasing some negative energy,it's not good for me, or the baby to hold it in, yet it isn't fair to release it onto people who are undeserving.I feel this is a safe place.Thank you in advance for your patience,and the shoulders for those of you who stick around to read this through til the closing:)
Six years ago I met a man,who I thought was the one.He said all the right things,was easy to communicate with,very romantic,handsome...the whole nine.After seeing him for a short few months I moved in with him,a few short months later, we are planning a wedding.For my birthday that year we decided to elope.I hadn't been feeling well and decided to take a pregnancy test.It was positive.I told him the news,and well the plans changed about getting married.I thought,ok,he's in shock,this wasn't planned...we would get through it.Well, we didn't.I later found out he had a drug dependancy,and he didn't think I should keep the baby.[but it was ok for me to be subjected to the drug abuse???] I thought it was absurd and I left him to have the baby on my own.It was hard,real hard.I at times,even resented the baby growing inside of me.My whole life had changed over night.
Then as the baby grew and I felt the movement,and heard his heart beat, I fell in love all over again,this time with the right guy.He has been a blessing to me.I love my son very much...and I want to protect him, I always have.This is the reason I never kept his father from him, or him from his father.OK the point of this vent session...
My son will be 5 in May.He may have seen his father five times.He never showed up for his birth, he wasn't present through the pregnancy,and not that money matters anymore, has paid very little towards raising him.No birthdays,
X-Mas,father's days...nothing.My son has been very sick since he was born,with various health problems.I sat alone in an E.R. many nights begging him to come, to be with us,and never did he even show a sign of sympathy.The only time he is concerned with seeing or talking to him is when he either loses a girlfriend and is trying to pry his way back into my life, or has a girlfriend and she pressures him to take responsibility.
I know you are thinking that there is two sides to every story,and you are right, there probably is.I would love to think that he cares, and is scared, or the drugs are his excuse for being absent, but how do you tell a little boy why daddy doesn't come around? I am running out of excuses.
I also don't want him to think I chose this for him.I didn't want this for my baby.I don't want him to be without a father,I know how that feels and it is horrible to be the only one of your friends who doesn't have a dad.
Recently my son asked me if my fiance would be his daddy,that he wanted to be his "tid" as he calls it.I cried.I didn't know what to say.He never talks about how it affects him.He is always just so strong about it.It wasn't until that moment that I realised that he is truly affected by not having a father.I thought I was doing ok.I try to compensate.I guess I didn't want to have a reason to hate his father,and now well, that is all I have.
My fiance wants to adopt him.I know this will be a battle.His father won't give that title up without a fight.
I just hope that the judge has a heart,and can see what truly is the best for my son.Robert and I love him, and want to be a family that he can be proud of.Give him what he and every child deserves,two parents that love him, put him first.I am sick of his father proving that my son is only his when it is convenient.I am sick of being sick about it.I just want him gone and out of the picture.Is this selfish of me? Is it wrong?
7 people like this
13 responses
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I can definitely relate to this. I had my daughter 16 years ago on February 16th. Her dad had a one night stand with me when I was 20 years old. I like him and knew him since we were in the 6th grade. He used me to get what he wanted and that was it. I got pregnant and he has nothing to do with meor my daughter for 16 years. My husband asked him if he could adopt her because he has been there with us and for her since she was 9 months old and my daughters dad said to give a few days to think about it. My husband called back and her dad said no and didn't give a reasom. He has never told her happy birthday, sent a card, christmas gift, called her or anything. He claims her on his taxes every other year too. I don't think you are selfish at all. You just want what is best for your son and I for my daughter. My husband is more of a father than her birth dad will ever be.
2 people like this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I guess you and I,and our children are lucky to have men in our lives that care.Good things do happen to good people.Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your situation,it's good to know I am not alone, and there are others that share my opinion.I am torn.I just keep thinking that one day he'll wake up,but it's been almost five years,how long does my son have to wait? It's just not fair.
2 people like this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Yes. i thank God every day that we met and have him in our lives. My daughters dad won't even give her the time of day after 16 years worth. She never sees or hears from him any at all. We have had to go through alot with her because of that. she feels like it is all her fault that he does not show love to her. I think he just loves himself only.
2 people like this
@jayman32 (267)
• Australia
1 Feb 08
but it is our choice to answer, & thats beauty of mylot, writing(or typing) is the best way to rid negitve energy, release it as you wright.
seems strange to me, the father doesnt really aknowlodge your boy which makes him sad & yet the father will fight to stop your boy from being happy. does that pretty much some him up?
its not wrong of you to want that, my father wasnt there for me in much the same stroey(without the adoption) i didnt find out just how big a jark he was til 14. until then my mum did her best for me as far as contact with him.
how old does your child have to be before your laws allow him to have his own say?
2 people like this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I think 16, but it varies from state to state, we are going to look into that as well.Thank you for your response.There are a lot of kind people on mylot...I wouldn't vent anywhere else!
1 person likes this
@mansha (6298)
• India
29 Feb 08
It is right that every kid deserves a father and mother but I think more than that he deserves love and care, which obviously your first BF can not give. You are doing as best as you can and I am glad your fiancee is going to adopt the baby too. He is adorabel and mark my words someday he is going to thank you for not giving in and allowing his birth father back in his life. Whatever he will go through during adoption battle he wii forget as he will grow up in a home full of love and care. I wish you loads of hapiness nd love as you do deserve it. You have a chance for that and do not let anything come in between now.
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Thank you so much Mansha,for your response and your kindness :)
I agree with you, love and care for my little one is my #1 priority :)
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (38148)
• Philippines
4 Feb 08
I just pity a young and innocent boy who yearns for a father. Well things didn't go well with you and his father. I guess you are right not to allow the father to be recognized as his father as he is just not showing any signs that he accepts his responsibility as the real father. If there are any new love that does come and is ready to love you and your son I think that person should be given the chance to be loved in return but if there is none then give your son the best love that a mother and a father can give. I know its hard to have both roles but right now it looks like the real father just is not ready to accept his responsibility so why push it to him.
1 person likes this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Fortunately there is someone willing to share in raising my little one, and he has already shown so much more effort and interest than my son's real father. I haven't pushed anything on his father, I have left that window of opportunity open for him to step up and play the role, but he has yet to choose to do so.I think I am being quite fair, especially after reading all these replies from these truly supportive people here on myLot.I appreciate your response.
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
4 Feb 08
I think you did the right thing, first of all, for breaking off with this guy, je?k. I hate men that don't take responsibility for their children. You and your son are better off without him. Sometimes we just have to let go of the past and move on, which is what you did,. I would encourage your fiance to adopt him after you are married. If your son gets the love he needs, which I am sure wil happen, then he doesn't need this biological father in his life. It takes more than sperm to make this guy his father. It takes love and caring and being an active parent. I think your son will get this from your fiance, by the sounds of it.
I have a son that is now 32 years old. His biological father didn't have anything to do with him till he was 10 years old. Then all of a sudden he wanted to be part of his life and I gave my son the choice if he wanted this man to be part of his life. I could do that since he was older. He said no way, he has a dad, my second husband , and he didn't want a part with this man. He never thought of him as his dad, the biological one and he considered my second husband as his dad. He is now 32 years old and he is happy to have his real dad, not his biological dad, in his life. I have told him many times he can have both of them in his life. but he chooses not to. It is his choice.
Why is life so wacked out like this? Why couldn't this man be there when his son needed him to be, when he was born? I can't imagine my life without my children in it. How does a man live with themselves knowing they have a cld out there that doesn't want them, because of their own doing?
1 person likes this
@NexusBeam (19)
• United States
3 Feb 08
I am glad that you have the courage and strength to tell hundreds of people you only know through online posts about this. In my opinion this is not a selfish thing or wrong thing for you to do. You are putting the child before yourself. All that you want is what is best for the child and that is the right and proper way to think and do things.
1 person likes this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
3 Feb 08
Hi Nexus, welcome to myLot :)
Thank you for your response!!
I love the way people here are so understanding, at times we don't share the same opinions, but we come together when we need to. I am so thankful to have a place like myLot to vent,and share life's experiences.I don't know if I could have held this in for much longer!!
Again,thank you...hope to see more of ya :)
@NexusBeam (19)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Thank you for the welcome. It is good to have people that are so understanding to be able to vent too. I agree that that is a very good thing. Anyway, once again, thank you for the welcome.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
1 Feb 08
If your son's biological father hasn't proven to be one that will support him emotionally and financially, he really is only the father in the biological sense. Hopefully a judge will be able to see this. He may be given visitation rights and you should prepare yourself for this should it happen. Hopefully when and if it does happen they visitation could be monitored. This would ensure that your son isn't in harms way. I wish you all the best. Big huggers to you.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
3 Feb 08
Well, the situation as I see it is that your son sees your fiance as a father figure and is already attached to him more than his own dad (who really doesn't care about his son...for whatever reasons).
I'm sure a judge can see that by talking to your son about his biological dad and how his visits have been in the past 5 years.
If the man cared about his son and was making efforts to bond with him and be a part of his, my response would have been different.
What I see here, is an almost non-existent dad who will fight it out for the sake of fighting...and I see a great man who is willing to adopt your son and give him the life that he needs (with a responsible dad).
I don't think it's selfish at all for you to think so. You tried to do the right thing...but the father isn't worth it. So, do what you have to do and make sure your son has a balanced life. He is a great boy and all the best to you and your family!
1 person likes this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
3 Feb 08
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
He really is a great boy,and he deserves so much more than his biological father has given him.Again, thank you.Take care~Heidi
@scammerwear (1433)
• Singapore
1 Feb 08
First of all, let me show you my admiration. For you to bring up a kid as a single parent must have been hard. You were brave enough to do the right, and the courage has stayed with you since.
Someone who can't even respect himself, has no rights to something as precious as child. You need not doubt that :)
May that which your hold divine, be with you and your family, always.
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Thank you Scammer, and with your family as well :)
1 person likes this
@izathewzia (5134)
• Philippines
4 Feb 08
Just always think what is best for your son. And go for it without doubt nor hesitation. For it will always the right thing to do. I,too grew up without a father. And it is hard. Don't let your son experience the same misery. Give him what he deserves.
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
4 Feb 08
I will def. do what I can to make sure that that doesn't happen.Thank you for your response :)
@quiltedblessings (1066)
• United States
1 Feb 08
I don't think it is selfish at all. You are looking for what is in the best interest of your son. It sounds to me like your son's biological father has given up his rights as a father. I think if you keep track of all the communication and support that he has "not" given, a judge would see it from your side. I think your son deserves a father, and your fiance is much more that person than the birth father. Wanting what is best for your child is never ever selfish, okay? Just remember, he comes first, above all else. Don't question that, you know what is best for him, your his mom. :O)
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Thank you, I struggle with it so much because I have seen people,mothers and fathers,rehabilitated and turn their lives around and by that time have lost their rights.I don't want that either, but I will do what I have to in the end to keep him safe and if I can provide for him what I always wanted for him, which is TWO parents that love him,well..I think I should at least try.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
2 Feb 08
I don't know for sure what state you are in, but you might check into what is required to sever parental rights. You don't mention if you have a child support order that he is supposed to be paying support. If not, I'm betting that, if he gets hauled into court for support, he's gonna change his tune. Each state has ways to get you help in this.... if you can't find any, send me a message with your state and I'll see what all I can come up with for you to contact.
1 person likes this
@formy3 (31)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Hello, I am so happy that you have found someone who loves you and your son and wants to be a family with you. I don't think you are being the least bit selfish. Your son deserves to have a Daddy who wants him and you deserve to have that support and relief of knowing that he can finally have that! Good Luck to you!
1 person likes this
@jerritts1mom (816)
• United States
1 Feb 08
Yes we are quite lucky to have found him, he is one of a kind.The thing is, I don't think he thinks he is doing anything that any man wouldn't do...he's kinda clueless how great he is in that regard :)
