Dealing with visitation issues when my son goes to his dad's for a weekend visit
By lightningd
@lightningd (1039)
United States
February 3, 2008 6:59pm CST
Ok, I'm looking for any thoughts on how to approach this regarding my younger son. My oldest is now in college so he pretty much does what he wants... but the younger one still has to go to his dad's every other weekend. The ex, although he has no reason other than his own guilty conscience, to think our youngest son is not his, just doesn't seem to take as much interest in him. The older one followed in dad's footsteps, and is a cowboy. The younger one, well, he's into motorcycles.... I can't fault him, I was on motorcycles until I sold mine when I was a freshman in high school. (to buy a horse).... Anyway, my major issue is with the ex's current wife. (She is number 3 for him). Now, he has one child who is now 24, and I got along with her good, and I also got along with her mother.(We agreed that being rude to each other and name calling wouldn't benefit the child and we agreed to get along.) I don't know what this woman's damage is that is now my children's step mother, but I'm getting really sick of it.
It's bad enough that the kid's father doesn't help at all with the kids activities (youngest in band, and motorcross) or even helping the older one with college. Recently when the oldest was home (at my house) from college, their dad started in on him about not driving down to his house and spending time with him. Not bothering to offer to help with the cost of gas to drive all the way down there. What he said to the oldest when he needed a little help with grocery money.... "your mom gets child support, get some money from her" nevermind that the child support was reduced when the oldest turned 18 and he's not paying support on him anymore. I'm now supposed to use that money to help one with college, and still support the youngest one. Makes sense to me.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The step mother is constantly on my son's case. Up until recently, the only place for the boys to sleep when they went to their dad's was on the couch, because the other bedrooms were occupied by her two son's then converted to storage when her oldest left for college, and her youngest went to live with his dad who was just released from prison. (yea.. nice huh?) Well, apparently, this weekend, my son gets down there, and the step mother jumps his case and informs him that he is not to be sleeping on the couch that he needs to sleep in the extra bedroom. OK... first, this bedroom has no heat... it is upstairs, in an old drafty farm house. Second, he looked in that room, the bed was covered with boxes and stuff. And she rips into my kid about sleeping on the couch. Move forward to Saturday.... she loses her cell phone.. blames him. He has his own cell phone, and there's no reason he would even be touching hers.
That is just this weekend. She has accused him of getting in her purse, and taking money. (While he was in the shower, her younger son had gotten some money out of her wallet, and she accused my son of stealing from her. My kids have NEVER stolen anything from anyone. There have been so many instances, there's just not enough room to list them all.
What would you do?
4 people like this
6 responses
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
4 Feb 08
omg sounds horrible. Have you talked to your son's father about all that? I wouldn't want to go over there if I could help it!
2 people like this
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Oh yea,,, I have talked to him about it.... and the step mom works a job where she is gone for 10 days at a time, so I suggested that he only go there when she is not around. He started into a rant about "So you are saying I can't see my kid if my wife is around?" then he turns around, calls the older son and says he's sick of current wife's crap and he's going to divorce her. LOL...
We tried that off weekends thing for awhile, and it was going good, except good ole dad expected my son to be his designated driver so he could go to friends houses or parties or whatever, get drunk and the kid would drive home. EVEN WHEN HE WAS STILL ON THE LEARNER'S PERMIT!!!! He has a drinking problem. Only two more years and we don't have to deal with it anymore....
2 people like this
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
5 Feb 08
Oye sounds like a not fun situation! Just a bit longer and you won't have to worry about it though. It sounds like your son is a responsible young man. :)
@GardenGerty (160883)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Talk to the dad, once. I doubt if that will work. Document, and get a lawyer. I know, that is expensive. Perhaps an advocate. How old is your youngest son? Would his dad be happier if he just did not come? Sometimes you just cannot win when there is a step parent involved. The best thing I can say is that your boys will know the kind of dad they do not want to be.
@momwatittude (542)
• United States
4 Feb 08
If I were you I would first let the step mom know that she has no LEGAL RIGHT whatsoever to discipline or talk to your son in that way further more she can be brought up on charges for this by you and that is law in all 50 states. The step parents have no legal rights of anyking to their step children they cant even take them to the doctors without Both legal parents written permission provided the parents have joint custody. Also if this does not stop I would seek action in the courts to strip him of visitation to supervised visitation in your home. What she is doing is a form of mental abuse and you honestly need to have your child talk to a child therapist. that way you have it legally documented for you and your childs protection. I have a son with my surrent husband of 18 years and I also have a step daughter in which I legally adopted when she turned 18 then she turned on me like a bad viper. So I have been on both sides of this fence. If you get a chance read mydiscussion on manipulating step child. :) I feel for you and the best of luck to you in this situation.
@momwatittude (542)
• United States
4 Feb 08
and thats a sad thing because it sounds to me like he has 2 beuatiful children with you that he will miss out on for the rest of his life. His stupidity will cost him that much at the least and the new wife will get her's because what comes around goes around.
1 person likes this
@AmericanWoman (298)
• United States
4 Feb 08
It sounds like it would be better if your son didn't go , but anyway whats the dads deal letting this woman treat his son like that? My dad used to tell us stuff like that too about my mother and the child support. I can't see anything to fix it, If He still wants to go there except to tell the hag to put up her valueables if you think I am touching them and you can bring them out when I leave. Tell her straight, If you think i'm stealing them than put them away! His dad should be making sure his son is warm and healthy not his new wife.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
4 Feb 08
This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as this woman is concerned. I had to really wonder what she is up to about a year and a half ago. Keep in mind, she is in her 40's and at this time, the ex was 46. She "supposedly" was told she couldn't get pregnant... lo and behold she did get pregnant..... I found this out from someone who was friends with me and the ex, one of the few who hasn't taken sides, Now, her youngest is like 5 months younger than our youngest, who is now 16... And she ends up pregnant.... Well, the ex, you would think he would have learned his lesson after he got the woman he was messing around with on me pregnant.( I found this out after the birth of our second child, this child is 1 year younger than our oldest, one year older than our youngest..... his guilty conscience has convinced him that I cheated to get even and the youngest isn't his.. but there's no chance he isn't).... Anyway, my son is a pretty easy going kid, and he just figures he'll bide his time, and when he turns 18 he doesn't have to deal with him anymore.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
4 Feb 08
If your ex & you have a decent relationship, I'd suggest talking to him about it. It doesn't sound like the step-mother is a big fan of being reasonable, so don't bother talking to her. If you can't talk to the ex, tell your son he should. Even if he's still a minor, he has every right to say to his father he doesn't want to visit it if it's going to be unpleasant or if the step-mother is going to be rude to him.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
4 Feb 08
I do not have a decent relationship with the father. He cannot be reasoned with. He is in his own little world, and he will not listen to reason. He thinks the child support that he has to pay is somehow elevated in some plot by my attorney and I, even though I have given him copies of how the support is determined according to the state statutes. His income plus my income, go to the chart, that determines the amount of total support per child. His income is divided by the total combined income and that gives his percentage, which is then applied to the total support from the chart. But he still thinks it's not done correctly. He can't fathom that I'm not screwing him over. Recently, I gave him the latest medical bills that I have paid, the amounts not covered by my insurance, and he says "you're supposed to pay that out of the child support" and I show him in the court order where it says "any medical/dental expenses not covered by insurance is to be split by the parties according to the percentages determined for child support." He argued that he still doesn't have to pay it. This is the type of person I am dealing with. He doesn't listen to reason. He doesn't understand the court papers. Neither one is reasonable. I hate having to take this to my attorney every time I turn around. With the whole step mom thing, my lawyer said to try to schedule his visits when she's not there. That just created more issues. I'm in a no win situation, and if I want to fix it, I have to pay more court filing fees and more attorney fees...luckily, my attorney is the best in the area, and he's far cheaper than any other attorneys in the area. I just hate having to take this through him because of the ex's stupidity.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
4 Feb 08
OH, and when the kid tries to talk to him about it, he goes on a rant about how he pays support and he has bills and how the kid is never around to help him and yadda yadda,, and she is his wife and he just has to deal with it......
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Ok, From my point of view, I'll give you some advice that may make sense. Talk to dad. Find out what he really wants. If he wants time with junior, then make that possible as you have. Tell him that you know about the sleeping arrangements, and the other things going on. Bottom line, YOU don't approve. If you son is of age, he can make the decision not to go. And when dad asks, tell junior to tell him why. It might hurt his feelings but junior telling him the truth like, "hey, you don't seem to much effort in my activities or my life, I was just wondering why you are shunning me. I am not comfortable around your wife, because she's always starting fights over little crap that I have no control of. I would like your attention when I get to see you. I would like you to know who I am and what I am about." Something along that lines might help out. Write a letter to the step mother and tell her in as nicest terms that you can, how you feel. Put her in your shoes for a bit. Arogant witches like that need to be taken down a notch on most occasions. Feel free to express your feelings but to avoid a court case (trust me from experience) be civil as possible. "I don't like it that you accused Junior of doing such things. He's never done anything like that. If his father had actually got to know him better, he could tell you that!" Hope this helps. You are right about the keeping things civil my kids have a better relationship with both of us because of it. Dad is still a boob but step mom and mom are doing great.
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
4 Feb 08
Rather than rewrite it all again, please read the rest of my responses. There's no reasoning with either of them. And honnestly I think the step mom has mental issues. I've seen her threaten to go out and shoot a horse before. So No, I'm not even going to attempt to contact her. It won't do any good.
