Do It ... Today.

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Sunday, November 11, 2007 I knew why the postal worker was driving all the way down my parent's driveway. And, as I was signing for the box, I knew what was in it. I had hardly turned way from the lady before I had tears in my eyes. And by the time I reached the door, I was bawling. Carrying my cremated Grandmother's remains for those few moments tore me apart. Her body, reduced down to practically nothing. It was heavier than I expected the box to be ... I guess I was thinking they would ship a small amount of dust, but actually it was a medium box and much heavier than it looked. I think this bothered me, because it hit me with a deeper realization of what was inside. Of course, after going inside and placing the box down on the table, I broke down. There is so much guilt, regret and - now - worries that I have. I learned something from Granny dying. Never put off what you are compelled to do for someone today. You may not have another chance. There may not be a tomorrow for them. When I visited Granny in the hospital that Friday, I didnt know she would die Sunday night. I - we all - thought there would be more time. We knew she was failing... but we thought we could slow it down. Get her to eat. Transfer her to a place that would care for her properly. We naively held hope that the gaping flesh wound down to the bone on her rear from nursing home neglect would heal, that her lung condition would improve, that the deadly staff infection, MRSA, that she had acquired would respond to the series of antibiotics ... I will forever have guilt that we could not comply to her wishes. One of the few things she said on that day was, "LISTEN ...... I want to be outside." Everyone thought she wanted to go outside to smoke, but I knew what she meant. She wanted to die in a better place. She wanted to experience something she loved before she died. As we were standing around her bed... I was thinking how I should go downstairs right then, and buy her a bunch of flowers. But I am in debt, and had bills to pay, and no steady work coming in. I had just rented a trailer and with the additional deposits and debts I would incur, I couldnt justify buying hospital gift shop flowers. And so I told myself I would go home, and get some nice flowers together from mom's garden and a few potted plants, and when the hospital transfered her from a long-term care facility, well, we could take the flowers to her there where she could enjoy them. ....... Damn. How I wish now, that I would have just bought those gift shop flowers while she was alive. I wouldnt care about the expense. I wouldnt care. Money doesnt matter when someone dies. Flowers mean nothing when someone dies. ....... Dont wait until someone is dead to bring flowers to their grave. Grace them with flowers ... TODAY. (In Granny's case, she wont even have a grave to bring flowers to. We will split her remains among a few of her favorite spots in Tennessee.) I tell myself that it was more important that I was there, to give her my love, but still I know I could have -should have- done more. And I dont think there will be any consolation for me over that. It is a lesson I have learned the hard way and will carry with me throughout life. Dont wait to do the things you "plan" to do for someone. Do it today.