What would you do to get yourself free from STRESS?
By Ellie
@ellie26 (4139)
Malaysia
February 5, 2008 4:22am CST
I am a housewife with 3 kids to look after (14, 12 and 3 1/2 years old), a double storey house and a husband who thinks his wife is his servant! I seldom go out and have to do the household work all by myself. On top of that, my little boy is a handful. He is so demanding of my attention. I hardly have enough sleep because my son would wake and cry for no reason. I am very stressful all the time and feeling tired most of the day. I have little private time for myself. How should I handle this situation before I breakdown?
4 people like this
10 responses
@youdontsay (3497)
• United States
6 Feb 08
There is no reason why you should do all the housework. Your older children are more than able to do their share. If they don't learn to take small responsibilities now they will grow up to be irresponsible adults who don't know how to take care of themselves in their own homes.
You also need some alone time. Arrange to trade play dates with other mothers of children your youngest child's age. You keep their child for a couple of hours each week and they in turn take yours for a couple of hours. And during that time you must do things for you - go to a movie - take a bubble bath - or a nap! But don't use that time doing housework.
It is time for your husband to grow up. You must learn to be assertive and expect him to take care of himself. By letting him and your children run you into the ground is not doing them any good at all and it is killing you. You don't have to become a shrew but you must get their cooperation if you are to avoid being ill.
Maybe you need to get some counseling [couples or individual] to teach you how to communicate and set limits with your family. It can be the best thing you can do for them.
@youdontsay (3497)
• United States
7 Feb 08
Hope play dates work out for you. They can be life savers.
As for you husband, don't bring it up in an argument. Sit down and have a serious talk when you are both calm. He needs to know that it is a serious problem not just something you are going to keep throwing in his face when you are angry. Tell him you are going to stop picking up after him, or whatever it is that puts the most stress on you. And then follow through. I stopped picking up my husbands clothes and putting them into the hamper. I just let them pile up. And when he didn't have any clean clothes it was because he hadn't put them in the laundry. But be sure you tell him what you are going to do before you do it. And then stubbornly do it.
Do the same with the kids. If they don't pick up their stuff put it in the trash or give it to someone who needs it more than they apparently do. Give them a time line. "Your stuff needs to be put away by Sunday evening every week or it is gone." I can't guarantee it will work, but it will make your point.
Hang in there. You can do it.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
7 Feb 08
You know what, you have given me a good idea. Your "trade play dates" really caught my interest. I will surely try to arrange that with other's mom. I agree with you that my husband should grow up and start looking after himself. In fact, I have told him that during our one of our many arguments. But to him, its like coming into one ear and go out to the other ear. Hopeless, I should say. Sometimes I really question myself to why I got married in the first place?
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
5 Feb 08
Hi Ellie,
Firstly you need to tackle the husband that thinks you are his servant. Does he really think that, or have you let let him have it easy. If you work together to mind the children, look after the house etc, then things should improve. Can your children be looked after for a weekend so that you and your husband might get away just the two of you? What do you want from your relationship with your husband and your children? Ask yourself what good looks like and try to work towards it. Good luck.
2 people like this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
5 Feb 08
Hi p1kef1sh, well for a start, I think my husband still have the old marriage concept that women place is in the kitchen, where women have to prepare food for the family, care for the children and husband, doing the housework. It is an overall house administrator with no income! I think you are right, I let him have it easy. Sometimes he is willing to help with the children but the way he handle them is very strict and the words he uses to my children is inappropriate and hush. The children became afraid and hate him when he is at home. All I want is to be a mother, good housewife and a little bit of my own spare time. But for him, he cannot stand to see me relaxing without criticizing.
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
5 Feb 08
Hi Ellie
You need to sit down with him quietly and tell him how you feel. I assume that he works and thinks that that is enough. You need to decide a balance between the chores and having a life together. Have you considered getting your older children to do some chores too. If you have boys, and let them sit whilst you work, then you will be bringing them up to think that it is OK for them to treat their wives the same.
2 people like this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
7 Feb 08
I have tried that also. Have a heart to heart talk to him. It is no use because he will only be ok for a while then back to his old self again. My two sons are very helpful when I ask them to do some of the household chores like washing the dishes or looking after their little brother while I do the other chores. But I cannot always ask them to do that because they have homework to do and attend school in the morning. They can only help me during the weekends.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
6 Feb 08
First of all see a Doctor or counsellor for support. They will confirm that you are under too much stress.
Then have the confidence to speak to your husband about these issues. He needs to know that you are near a breakdown.
He really should be offering support with two areas at least. One is to help with housewor5k. Secondly,m is to give you a break from your 3 year old son. Perhaps he could do this one one or nights each week, plus half of the weekend. If he can't look after the 3 year old, put him in respiute child care. It wont do him any harm, & there are lots of great activities at child care for 3 year olds.
If your husband is unwilling to help you at all with any of these issues, you may need to take a break from him & the kids for a few weeks.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
7 Feb 08
Oh, I know that problem. My husband refused to acknowledge that we had marriage problems, & so I went to a counsellor by myself.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
7 Feb 08
Well, to be honest, I have seen a few doctors and one suggested that I go and have a nice weekend getaway with friends ONLY! The other doctors gave me something to calm myself. I also get someone to talk to both of us about our problems but the thing is my husband always deny there is a problem between us. He is not talking.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
5 Feb 08
I would talk with my husband about this and tell him how stressed out you are and that you feel you are on the verge of a breakdown. Tell him you need his help, even if its just a little bit to give you time to yourself like 30 minutes a day.
Have your 14 year old look out for your son for 20 minutes everyday, so you can sit and relax, or have a bath or just spend that 20 minutes at home doing whatever that will help relieve the stress(while still being at home).
Don't get too worked up on the housework and do what you can. Have your 12 and 14 year old help out with folding washing, doing the dishes, wiping down the kitchen benches, dusting, vacuuming and sorts. This should relieve some of the chores from you.
You might need to really look into why your son wakes up every night and cries, is there something wrong with him? is he hurting somewhere? is the room too dark and makes him scared? is the bed uncomfortable? and such... maybe you can alter the routine at nights...and start with a warm bath followed with reading of a book and then lying down with him singing some lullabies which might help him fall asleep.
Once you find out what is upsetting and waking him up at nights, then you might be able to fix it and get a good nights rest yourself.
I hope this has helped and it gets better for you.
2 people like this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
7 Feb 08
Thanks maddysmommy for your good tips and advice. I am blessed with sons that can understand my problems. They in fact help out like doing the dishes, ironing their own school uniform and during weekend, they will help me by looking after their little Mr. Naughty brother. Actually, my youngest son has skin disease and if he ate the wrong kind of food, he will start scratching and it disturbs his sleep. Doctors have prescribed many kind of medicine and cream but the thing with eczema is, it comes and goes.
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@addanki85 (52)
•
5 Feb 08
hi
the situation u were in is very helpless, i cant tell any suggestion because im younger to u. but one thing i can say u that u just pray to god when ever u got time and so get refresh as i do when ever i feel tensed.
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@gloria777 (1674)
• India
6 Feb 08
When I am stressed, I just close my eyes and sit quiet for some time or I will just switch on my stereo for some good music.
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@vaibhavsawke (820)
• India
5 Feb 08
first of all try to convince your husband that you need a helping hand like a servant or a nany...
apart from that try yoga and meditation to handle both physical and mental stress
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@sid556 (30959)
• United States
6 Feb 08
You need to enlist the help of your husband. If he cares about your relationship then he will help out. I had 4 kids plus my husbands 2 plus a full time job plus total responsibility of the housework and kids with next to no help from him. His idea of help was yardwork and maintaining my vehicle which of course was great but there was so much pressure and like you, I had no time for myself. I left him eventually and I still had the kids and all that pressure but I was minus the frustration of feeling that I had a partner that "should be but was not" working with me. I did not deserve to be treated like a slave and neither do you. That alone will add to your stress.
2 people like this
@bongkarpasang (1377)
• Indonesia
6 Feb 08
hi, I think you may start with a silent prayer to calm yourself before you talk to your husband that you need his help. I think the key is the way you ask his help, if he 'thinks you as his servant' then he has a big ego and you may need to find out the way of asking his help that makes him feel that 'he is good' if he finally helps you dealing with the situation.
2 people like this