Do you have a 50-50 marriage?
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
February 8, 2008 7:06am CST
We often hear about the ideal situation of an equal marriage....where the husband and wife have equal roles to play. Sounds nice in theory, but what's the reality?
What kind of relationship do you have?
I'll tell you my opinions as we go along. It's too long for one post..lol and I don't want to bore you.
22 people like this
47 responses
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
8 Feb 08
My marriage was 99-1. I spent 99% of my time trying to fix everything he did wrong with the relationship, checkbook, shopping list, and laundry, while 1% of the time he said thank you. Do you see why I am divorced? lol
The relationship I am in now is very different. It's not 50-50 because my sweetie (though I doubt he will admit having a fault) is a bit of a control freak. He has to drive the car. He pays for 4 out of every 5 dates. He always likes being on top or in the position of control. But that is ok with me now.
Years ago it would have driven me crazy and I would have left him but after being the one who had to do everything, had to pay for everything, had to make all the decisions all of the time, for so long it is really a welcomed change of pace.
We both work and he is the first man I have dated in 7 years who has gotten a bigger pay check then me. We both have private checking accounts and one joint checking account. We both contribute equally to the child and house hold responsibilities. So in that aspect we are equal and that keeps me happy enough to deal with never being able to drive the car when we are going out on a date. :)
Great discussion! +
5 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Feb 08
Wow! I didn't think I'd get a 2 out of 3 ideal 50-50 relationships.
Sounds like you have a perfect man (for you) there.
And hold tight and don't you let him go! You deserve more than the 99-1%!
The discussion came from something I was reading and the article said that the 50-50 is an ideal situation and no one can achieve it.
But for me, I feel as long as partners are true partners in a relationship and the responsibilities are shared, it is a perfect 50-50.
I know most stay-at-home moms crib about there being a lot of work...don't get me wrong...I am a stay-at-home mom and I definitely think there's more work at home than outside. But as long as my husband helps out where I need him and nothing more, I'm happy and I think it's the perfect relationship (I have to mention he's working towards it and being successful) and I won't say he has to share EQUAL responsibilities on the home front.
Soon, I will be working and like earlier, we'll just share the responsibilities based on our convenience and who is comfortable doing what....I might have to do a little more than he does but I don't mind that as long as he is willing to help the best way he can.
5 people like this
@Sillychick (3275)
• United States
8 Feb 08
I like to think I have a 50-50 marriage. When it comes to our relationship, doing things for each other, that sort of thing, we do. My husband does nice things for me, and I don't feel like he doesn't care about the same things I care about.
As far as household stuff, we have different roles and responsibilities, which are roughly equal. It's hard to compare certain things. It's like apples and oranges to try to compare some of the responsibilities we each have. I feel it's pretty even though, becuase I rarely feel like he's not doing enough, and he doesn't complain that I'm not doing enough. So I think overall we do a good job of keeping things equal.
4 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Feb 08
Very well done. Sounds like an excellant partnership.
That's what I think about responsibilities in a relationship...you can't really compare them....but as long as everyone's pulling their weight and no one is overburdened, that's the right balance.
3 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
8 Feb 08
LOL oh hell no!! According to my husband our relationship is 70(me)-30(him) which in all honesty true! BUT the reason is because he knwos I need it that way and is cool with it..
3 people like this
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
8 Feb 08
I have never been married... so I don't need to worry about such non-sense.
But my logical answer would go back to the old values.
That was when men were men and women were women.
Each one had a role to fulfill... and they did.
People got married on that understanding.
The man went to work and provided the money... while the woman maintened the house and looked after the children. It was a fair deal.
Nobody forces you to get married. If you don't like the deal... don't get married.
In the 70's... some women decided that they did not like to be at home everyday... doing the same old thing. So they went to work instead... and started to do the same old thing at work instead. It makes no sense to me... but that's just me.
Today... women have no choice... but to go to work... because you need two salaries in order to buy a house.
If you want to know why we have a 50% divorce rate today... women going to work would be a large part of that reason. I don't think those working women did appreciate how lucky they were not to have to work and having an husband bringing home the bacon.
Some women keep claiming that maintening a house is a 24 hours job. That is total non-sense. I have seen plenty of women having sent their kids to school and the house work all done by 10AM. By which time she is out the door to go and play tennis. But of course... you have to work at it. It won't get done while you are watching television.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Feb 08
Ok...one thing at a time.
Earlier when men worked outside the home and the women at home, it was still a 50-50. They knew their roles and they did what they had to do...no one resented the other.
From your post, it's obvious that in the 70's ..the women found themselves twidling their thumbs at home after finishing the housework and they felt it would be good to help the men to earn (because it wasn't a 50-50 situation then). This is based on your post and not actual facts...of why women started to work outside the home.
And if you ask me it is not maintaing the home that is a 24 hour job but maintaining a home AND family with young kids that is a 24 hour job.
When my older son was around 3, he was quite independant and yes, I would finish all my work by 10 AM (another matter that I woke up at 5 AM to do it)...but I liked it that way because I had the rest of the day to myself...and I would do something constructive and soon I took up a job because I felt an idle mind is a devil's workshop.
My younger son was born when my older one was 6 and we were all settled into our routines....and now I have absolutely not time for anything that needs to get done....not because I am not organized (actually far from it...I'm very organized)...but because I have to be flexible with a baby around.
Now coming back to the original discussion, in the same scenario...earlier...women had help with babies at home..the community or extended family were around to help....but with nuclear families being the norm, men and women have to pitch in equally ..there's no support to fall back on...and that's when one partner starts resenting when the other doesn't pull their weight.
4 people like this
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
8 Feb 08
Everything you say is very true.
But having children is like getting married.
It is a choice that you make... and you should know what you are in for.
I realise that having young children is a full time job. And women should realise this before having children.
I don't agree with women wanting to work while having young children. I don't care about their financial situation. If they cannot afford to have children... they should not have them. Because at the end of the day... it is the children which suffer the most because of the selfishness of their parents. Either they never see their parents because they are at work... or they are not cared for proprely because of a lack of money.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I don't know how you do it down under, Aussie, nor after reading your response am I sure I would want to, but up here it takes two to have kids. In any case, while in some cultures it may be true that having children or not is a choice, in others it still really is not, so that part of your answer seems a bit harsh in addition to unresponsive. I would also add that just because some women can get their housework done before 10 a.m. does not mean all can. Some women may have a higher standard in caring for their loved ones and want a cleaner house or healthier food than others. Some may have more labor saving devices or even someone to come in and do their cleaning. Trust me on this one, though. If a traditional "man" had to pay a traditional "woman" for all of the work she does on a daily basis, her fair trade salary would come out to more per year than most husbands earn in 2 or 3 years. PS: What is television?
3 people like this
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
10 Feb 08
50-50 is really a high goal to shoot for but after 38 years we've gotten a lot closer to it than I'd have ever thought possible. My husband went from being a big kid who expected to be waited on hand and foot and cleaned up after constantly to being one of the fussiest "housewives" I've ever seen. But, he does it himself if he's not happy with something, so that's OK with me. He does most of the cleaning and some of the cooking when I'm home. He does all of his own stuff when I'm here staying with my 91 year old mother. He kind of had to learn. As far as other areas of our lives, we've always shared things down the middle. There's no "he's the boss" or "he wears the pants in the family". I've worked my whole life so that wouldn't go over too well with me and I don't think it's right in any family whether they both work outside the home or one stays home with the kids!
Annie
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Feb 08
"I've worked my whole life so that wouldn't go over too well with me"
I'm not sure that all men would respect the fact that their wives work and that they need to pull their weight around the house.
I'm glad it works for you.
My husband had to learn the ropes too...he was a big kid was waited on hand and foot before we were married...and I came from a family where everyone pitched in. So, it was a little turbulent at first, but we've managed a balance now (it's not a 50-50 yet...but I'm happy this way)
1 person likes this
@lisaviews (184)
• United States
9 Feb 08
First, let me say this is a wonderful discussion, as it is bringing many views to the virtual table.
After that... I'm getting my vent on... (lol!)
I'd say my relationship with my husband is 45/55 (workload-wise) and 20/80 (emotionally).
Since I do have to work longer hours, and he can come home, sleep, get up, eat, go to work, without any other worries throughout the week, I am giving myself the extra 5%. However, since I am currently at home with our little girl, and I bring home much less money (I do work and bring in some...) and he maintains the lawn and upkeep of the cars, I think you could consider it pretty much semi-equal. Sometimes I don't quite think it's fair, but as "Aussie" stated, it's what we signed up for...
Emotionally, however, I was tricked! In the beginning, he was mushy and lovey and kissey and huggy... and as he states... he "reeled me in." So, by the time the true colors started showing, I was already in love him for many other reasons. And so I go without all that romantic stuff. (Sigh.) But I cannot stop loving him, and wouldn't want to anyway.
Thank you for the venting session! (Smile.) I feel much better!
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Feb 08
Free to vent!lol
I'm sure most marriages are the way you potrayed yours. And the way I see it, as long as there's no resentment...it's all good.
There are certain days when I vent to my husband and all's well after that. I just need to get it off my chest...and I'm happy with my equation which isn't a 50-50.
1 person likes this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
10 Feb 08
Yeah I think we're pretty 50-50.
Of course some things leans more towards me and other things leans towards him. But overall I think we've got a pretty good balance.
2 people like this
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
9 Feb 08
Ours evens out to 50-50. I mean, we have our ups and downs like anyone else, but we always end up even in the end, and that's what really matters. We never really get upset with each other. We're going through some tough times right now, due to my recent hospitalizations, dual diagonis and being out on short-term disability, but we still manage to get by. If I were to rate our relationship against that of the relationship of others that I see, I see ours as the best in all areas!
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I am not the marrying kind.I am very old fashioned when it comes to marriage and I don't think it would be 50-50.It would be 70-30 women. The way it is set up these days, the homemaker isn't staying at home, she can't. so she is working both outside and inside the home.Back in the day where men worked outside and women inside it was 60-40 women.There was more to do at home.I think the only time it really was 50-50 was when the couple worked their farm.There were equally hard things to do around the farm.
2 people like this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
8 Feb 08
We're not married, but might as well be lol. However, when it comes to our relationship, I would guess that the overall picture is 50/50. We both work, so we both take care of things around the house, however, I work seasonal for the forestry service, so I'm off 3 months a year, and during that time I do more of the housework, but then he takes care of more of the bills. On the emotional side of the relationship, it's more 50/50. We both believe in both parties contributing to the relationship, whether it is monetary, physical, emotional, etc. We also do a lot of things together and enjoy a lot of the same things in life, but we also know that every once in a while we each need 'me' time, and we are okay with the other needing that kind of time.
2 people like this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
8 Feb 08
Yes and no, but mostly no. Your kite and string analogy is so correct in my experience, too. Fortunately, my husband really tries to be egalitarian, but being the first son in a family where that was considered a big deal, and with a military background, it is not his first instinct, shall we say. He wants me to be "fight" to be equal in most ways, really, he does, but doesn't quite understand that when I have to "fight" then the equality isn't quite equal. So I have a bad habit sometimes of doing what is expedient, and that is letting him have his way, simply because it is too much work to be ever vigilant and continually have to watch out for backsliding.
But I stand up where it counts the most, and he is a wonderful husband and often comes back over the 50% line in the other direction without being asked when I most need his help. One could almost say that I give more continuously of the little things, but he is more giving on really big issues. Still, I think it is about 40:60 not equal. If you asked him, though, he would probably say it is equal.
Hah! So for fun I just went and asked him and he said 50-50. But then he got this cute worried look on his face, so I said, or maybe 60:40 and he nodded vigorously and didn't quite blush. He is so adorably cute, though!
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Feb 08
lol...I understand exactly what you say because that's the way my husband is....and he would admit it too.
In fact, I asked him yesterday and he agreed totally (which was more than I could hope for a couple of years back).
I can see that he understands how much effort I am putting in at home and with the kids...which earlier he felt was all easy. Mostly because he was a boy (which is a big thing in India) and was waited on hand and foot by three aunts and a grandmother (who bought him up). Ove the years he realized that they all shared the work that I was doing single handedly and that I was doing more too. So, he started helping out where he could...and even though it's not 50-50, I'm happy the way it is...of course 50-50 would be abonus...lol (especially when I start working in a couple of months).
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
12 Feb 08
My partner has taken on the domestic role, but only because he wanted to. I do have the washing to do, so he doesn't do it all. I also watch our kids as much as he does, so I think we are 50-50 in our relationship.
2 people like this
@pastorkayte (2255)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I have a mutually equal marriage. What I mean is our personalities are equally matched and we get along fine. However we bring seperate strengths to our marriage that means that we take on a leadership role in that area. I am stronger in keeping our finances, a better cook, a good housekeeper, a better driver (dont tell him that though) and a stricter parent. He is a great money maker, a strong role model and active and fun parent. He does his part and I do mine so in that since we are equal.
2 people like this
@chrysz (1602)
• Philippines
12 Feb 08
My partner and I don't have a 50-50 kind of relatinship because I was a srudent when we started our relationship. Right now, I'm frequently out of our house because I tutor kids in their own homes. It would be hard to maintain a 50-50 kind of relationship unless you really delegate the duties.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
9 Feb 08
It is hard to explain my marriage...My husband mows the yard,takes out the trash,will fix small things if i ask,other than that he sits in his recliner all day and watches TV..I make all the plans,do all the bills,do all the laundry,and house work...do all the yard work other than mowing...but i do all the cooking that is done but if i don't want to cook i don't,and he does not complain,he will go find him something to eat...The marriage that i am in now is a late marriage..My first marriage of 38 years when i had all of my children was totally different.We had 5 children and i worked at home took care of my children and took care of all house hold chores..He worked hard everyday,and took care of everything outside...I feel that marriage was 50-50...this marriage i don't know..First of all he does not work,he was a vietnam vet,and he is really layed back and i am the one who creats everything..I go where i want,do what i want,and relax when i want.He does not say much about what i do...If i want to to go any place,and he does not want to go,then i go alone..He does gripe about my friends but thats about it..It is a comfortable relationship but it does not have the passion of my first marriage...I sometimes consider that my first marriage was my real marrige,we had lots of passion and love and high emotions then,but thise days are over,and i do miss those days that pasted...I also miss him a lot but he got killed...So i have to say this marriage is comfortable without nay pressure.....
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
9 Feb 08
I have not heard of this term 50-50 in a married life....LOL!
I think only perfect matches and idle couples can share the responsibilities 50-50, otherwise in most of the cases, 50-50 ratio may not be practically possible. It would always be tilted towards either of the partner and interestingly each of the partner in married life thinks that he/she does most of the jobs.
But in nutshell, my opinion is that it is the wife who shares mote than 50% responsibilities of the married life.
In my case too, I share less than 50% responsibilities ........LOL! (Don't laught please).
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Feb 08
Well as long as you know that she does more than 50% and she has no problem with it, it's all good. The way I see it the problem arises when one partner resents the fact that they have to do more and it happens only when their efforts are considered minimal and not really important (if you know what I mean).
I won't laugh at you....because I know for a fact that very few couples (especially in India) can have a 50-50 relationship....and most women are content as long as they get the respect due to their efforts and that's alright. Infact, I WANT to do more things than my husband wants to do...I feel it's all my 'department' and take up more on myself than what is generally assumed a 'wife's' role but I am happy that way.
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I have not been married for a long time, SViswan, but I'll give you my opinion just the same. I remember hearing(long ago) that there is no such thing as a 50/50 relationship because one partner always loves more than the other. I have found this to be true in the few relationships I've been involved in. The relationship is usually based upon need -one partner feels more of a need to have the other in their life. This can, of course, go back and forth over a period of time.
2 people like this
@laurika (4532)
• United States
14 Feb 08
This is very good question, but also hard to answer it. before i am writing this answer I had to think about this for few minutes. And I think I am not really in 50/50 relationship. Since I am not working, my husband bring all the money to the house, and i am in charge of all the household, what i think is fair. Maybe it will be better to compare it, when i will be working, but i am glad on the weekend, when we are both home, he is cooking and trying to help me wround the house.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I'm not married yet, but I'd love to have the opportunity to participate in this discussion based on what I've seen in marriages and what I've heard as far as advice. (I'm soaking in all the advice I can get because I got engaged on Valetine's Day, and I know I'll need the ideas!) I know you stated an ideal marriage being "50-50." My intention is not to say you're wrong because I know exactly what you mean by saying so. I actually heard that marriage must be "100-100," as in, the man and woman both putting in 100 percent of themselves into the marriage. I think that is key. If they're both putting their whole hearts into the relationship, what a beautiful thing it will become! I don't think this kind of marriage would ever fail. It's all about commitment and love for one another. There are problems that arise in marriages that must be worked out. As in any relationship, marriage takes work. My fiance and I have been together almost four years, and trust me, I know it takes work! I've wanted to give up so many times. I know that even after we're marriage, those thoughts will still come to haunt me. Giving up is not the answer. I think this is a really great discussion and a great question you posed here. And as you mentioned in your description, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks in advance!
@SViswan (12051)
• India
22 Feb 08
I totally agree about the 100-100 and I know you understand what I meant by the 50-50.
I've heard so many rants about 'my partner doesn't pull their weight on the home front' even from women who do not work outside the home. Don't get me wrong...I know how hard it is cooking and cleaning...and taking care of kids...and to top that there are husbands who do not care and make extra work.
I've been a stay-at-home mom, a working mom...and now a stay-at-home mom too. As far as I am concerned, men (or the breadwinner) has the freedom to chose what profession they want to work in...so even if that is hard work, they do enjoy it on a certain level...while most women HAVE to handle things at home whether they like it or not. This is the general idea and I know all homes are not this way.
When one partner is at home and the other works outside the home,I do not think that one person works more than the other.
But it does get difficult when both partners are working full time and one is expected to come home and do the rest of the work while the other relaxes just because they think it is their right because they were born a particular gender.
Personally for me as a stay-at-home mom (and even when I was working), I was happy to handle the home front...and do everything that was required for the home. My husband works hard at what he does and he gets back home at around 10 Pm at night....so I didn't expect him to really help me out with other aspects. But I did need support and understanding when I needed it...and that's the help I wanted from him. I did not believe in every chore being divided down the middle and both sharing it. But if both are working full time, the chores can be divided as to what each one prefers doing. No one feels any resentment then.
If a 100% from each partner is given to the relationship as far as the emotional aspect is concerned, then every other equation falls into place automatically. Like you said, the love and commitment is the most important aspect and a 100% of that from BOTH partners is necessary for a relationship to work.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
23 Mar 08
lol...I don't know how I can term my marriage....it was only fireworks at first (on all levels)...keep in mind...I had an arranged marriage and I got to really know my husband only after marriage.
But now we've learnt to appreciate each other.
I thought I had it all worked out before I was married too...I had seen lots of successful marriages (so I thought because I only saw the happiness on the outside)...and lots of failed marriages too.
I thought I was pretty flexible and all I needed was to be told what was expected.
But after I had my kids I realized that I was opinionated and wanted certain things done my way especially if I was doing it...and my husband had the same opinion....no matter who was doing it..lol
So, we did argue and fight over lots of things...but now we are able to see the othr's viewpoint whether we agree to it or not...and be able to work around difference of opinion...because the end result we both expect is the same and we try to figure out the best way to do it...and since I am the one at home most of the time...he kind of lets me have a free hand after putting his viewpoint across.
And like you said, having everything figured out is not how it is...each marriage has a different equation where the couple have to work hand in hand with each other.
Btw...congratulations...when are you getting married?
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
22 Feb 08
Thank you so much for best response! I was really drawn to this discussion. I got engaged on Valentine's Day, so the fact of marriage is really becoming a reality to me. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I'm sure you can relate to the feelings I'm having. I know a lot about what makes a marriage work and what just doesn't fly when it comes to the most important relationship in a person's life. I've seen the examples of others. I'm seen marriages fail and I've seen marriages that have lasted over 50 years! I may sound like I have it all together as far as that is concerned in my upcoming marriage, but really I don't. Let me explain since I'm not trying to discredit anything I already said in regards to this discussion! What I'm trying to say is that it's one thing for me to respond as I did to a discussion like this. It's one thing for me to know what I have to and need to do. It's a completely different story for me to actually apply what I've learned and what I know to my own life. Wouldn't you agree? I'm really glad you posted this discussion because I believe it really helped me! Thank you for your kind comment as well. I really enjoyed reading what you had to say. I wish you and your husband the best and most blessed marriage relationship possible. Keep up the good work and thanks again!
@m3mema5 (90)
• United States
9 Feb 08
My husband and I give each other 100% to our marriage.for we have both been in other msarriages before where we that at the tim it was a 50-50 relationship but it turned out that we were igving 95% to the relationship while our spouse at the time was only giving 5%. That include the emotional and financely aspect and respect of the marriage.So we both learned from our other marriages that If you can not give all you have to a relationship on both sides that it doesnt work.
