Wishing I could realize it's for the best

Sounds like it is a really good thing for her.... and you as a mom... (I would be this way also) is not feeling the love and accomplishment that you had when You were doing everything for her... you felt needed... and that need is gone... Its hard as a parent to give up what we do for our kids... but it is usually better for them... and yes us too... I am so happy your daughter is doing so much for herself... and I pray that you will feel the comfort soon!

OH sweety I can understand exactly how you feel and how difficult it must be for you! To spend 16 years pouring all your love, time, attention and energy into your daughter and you must miss her terribly! To think that others are now caring for her hurts you as you still want to do it and feel lost. Your head tells you that she is in the place that is best for her and that she is making good progress, your heart however aches for the daughter you miss so much! I know it will be hard to accept right now as you are experiencing a type of grief but now is the time for you, to rediscover yourself, who you are and what you want for yourself. I wish you every joy and that you quickly find the peace that you deserve - you have not in any way failed or abandoned your daughter , quite the opposite in fact, you are doing exactly what is best for her! Hugs xxx

Your daughter will do great, I work with developmentally disabled adults and if they were approaching a 2 year olds intellect, they would be way ahead of where they are and they are all relatively independent. They feed themselves, shower themselves with assistance, they help with household chores. One of the guys does all kinds of things - laundry, loves making salad and helping in the kitchen, he is a champion shopper - he pushes the cart, gets bags, weights the food and go to movies, restaurants and social functions, his intellectual level is estimated to be that of a 6 month old. Your daughter is going to continue to learn, you will be so proud of her, the people who are caring for her are professional people who are doing the best for her. Congratulations on letting her go, now you go out and get on with your life.

Just keep thinking about the things you just wrote here about the progress she's made. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, of course your life for the last 16 years has been taking care of her so there's a huge void there for you now but it IS for the best. You'll come to realize that totally in time but meanwhile keep thinking positive thoughts and think about all the things she'll be able to do when she comes home and the things you'll be able to do as mother and daughter together. Hugs and bless you for being such a wonderful, loving mom! Annie

I am really sorry to hear your baby girl is so sick. I can't even begin to know what you are going through. It must be so hard for you. Do you have other children at home, too? If so that could be even more difficult for you and her siblings. Does she live there now? Or does she go there like other kids go to school? Why did it take so long for her to be admitted to this training centre? I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask so many questions it's just I don't know anything about this disease and the effects it has on the parents.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter and also sorry to hear your plight. Give her a chance so that professionals may teach her the daily necessities. She will be better for it so will you. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY !!

I feel for you. I know that I would be lost also. You sounded so sure that it was best for her, but we have devoted our whole lives to these kids. It is hard to turn them over to someone else. I know that I would feel guilty for letting my son go, even though in my mind, I would know it was for the better. Is there anyway for you to be able to volunteer for a while. I think it is probably harder for you than her. If you need to talk PM me, and I'll give you my email. We just started with an aide in the house, and I find it hard to let them take over and it is only 5 hours a week. I would love to chat with you. Keep your head up and know that you have done nothing wrong. The decisions we make for our kids are sometimes heart wrenching. I feel for you.

That is wonderful that she is progressing in leaps and bounds.You are greiving from the seperation of not having her there.On several levels,you depended on her as much as she depended on you.You whole life revolved around her but now it is changing and you are trying to hold on to the way it was because you knew how to cop with that.It is hard to change you lifestyle after it has been one way for so long.You are a wonderful mother.

It's hard being away from a family member that you love so much. My mom has some mental problems and I had to put her in a hospital twice recently (psych unit). Both times they kept her for a couple of weeks. It's very hard to do but, like you, I finally had to do something. It just wasn't working for her not to get the help she needs. Your daughter is already showing improvement so don't second guess yourself. You did what needed to be done.

Bless your heart that has to be hard to know what is best for her. Espically after you have had her at home for so long and have taken care of her. I am glad she is making such good progress.

Valerie, What a sad/happy/sorry/joyous lot of posts you have here. I have worked in the past with many people with Kayla's condition. It is perfectly natural and normal for you to have the feelings you are having. You have done the best thing and the most motherly thing you could have done for her. Deep inside yourself you already know that; but that one little part of you, you know, that part that wants to hold her baby in her arms and protect her, that part, wants to rush back and bring her to the safety that only you can offer. It's the same feeling that any other mom has when they send their daughter out for the first time in a car driving without another driver. Please trust your initial feeling that you were doing what was right for Kayla. Rejoice for her when she makes her accomplishments. She is going to be so very proud of herself and she NEEDS her Mom to be proud of her too. I started my career in mental health in an institution called Colin Anderson Center in St. Marys, WV. I am so happy that things have progressed the way they have. It used to be that people with cerebral palsy were automatically labled "mentally retarded" and no effort was put into the training of them. You are going to be so surprised at the way she is going to grow, Valerie. Not only will she begin to function more independently, she will also learn to communicate at a higher level than you ever would have imagined was possible. I know that I don't have to urge you to stay active in the Interdisciplinary Team Meetings; but please, don't let the "professionals" run over you. Speak up. Make yourself a friend of the Advocate. In time you will be able to bring Valerie home for visits. You have not given her up, you have given her wings. ~Donna

You should Congratulate yourself and your daughter for taking this step! This takes alot of strength!!! I think your having a difficult time with it because as Mother's it is out Natural instinct to Protect and Care for our Young and You have been doing this for a very long time. Your routine and though process have been interupted. I myself would praise myself and my daughter for having the strength to TRY and having Tried is True Success!I would also give myself a little "ME" time everyday..if it's 1-2 hours or 15 minutes to do something of enjoyment just for "ME" this is a small gift you can give yourself for your own emotional and mental well being BELIEVE me this is not a selfish thing but a healthy one for all in your life. I wish you and your Family much Happiness and Success!

It is natural for you to feel that way, Valerie, because, as you said, you have cared for her the last 16 years. It is a wrench to see her somewhere else, and that is entirely human. But, being blunt for a moment, this isn't really about you. It is about your daughter, what is best for her and the quality of life she could lead. Your concern in wanting to take her home would be valid if she was not making any progress, or if there were no signs of anything beneficial. But you also accept that she is doing things she didn't do with you because you would have been tempted to do it for her, or not be as firm, which does little for improving her life quality. Time to retreat now and allow your daughter to have the chance of something even better; to let go off the desire to control her and accept that she is in a good place which can only lessen the angst, stress and anxiety for you. You probably feel a little unwanted and useless after all your care. That's natural too. But if you keep remembering that the only thing that matters here is your daughter, and she is in excellent hands, you will also remind yourself that, without your early care, she would probably not be making this progress. Take a rest, Valerie, and be patient. I am sure she will be back home with you in due course and much better for it too. :o)

I definitely understand where you're coming from. Your daughter was and still is your life, just not in the same way now that she's getting the care she needs. While some people may see what you did as a burden, you obviously view it as a privilege and a blessing to be able to take care of your daughter whom you love so much. I really respect your outlook on taking care of your daughter. You have a very special place in her life and in her heart for that. Like you said, where she is now is for the best. She's getting the care she needs to overcome the many obstacles she is facing right now. You might feel at times like, "Why couldn't I do that for her?" as far as the things you mentioned she is now doing for herself. It's not your fault that she couldn't overcome these obstacles. Sometimes there are things only certain facilities can offer her. That's why I think it's great that you've allowed her to seek the care she needs for the time being. I know patience must be a hard thing for you right now, but your daughter will be progressing in a positive way now. She will be able to tackle so many of those difficulties that by the time she comes home, she will be doing so much for herself that you won't have to help out as much. I know you don't see her as a burden, but try to do things for yourself also. In this extra time you have while you're not caring for your daughter, get some other things done. I know you'll probably visit her on a frequent basis, but get some things done around the house. Do something special for her in her room or something of that nature that she'll be able to enjoy when she returns. I'm glad to hear she's getting the care she needs. Some parents don't have enough insight to even take the time to care for their special needs children much less send them to a facility that can help them progress positively in their health. I hope and pray you will have the patience it takes to see your daughter become a strong individual that you will even more enjoy spending time with her and cherish all of the times you two have together in the future. God bless you!

Well it's obvious you miss her and you want to care for her, but I think you are doing good by talking it out here :) You can still be a nurturing loving mother by sending her letters and phone calls to let her know how proud you are of her. Maybe that will make you feel better about missing her.

I believe that as a mom you want to be there for her, as you have been I am sure for her entire life. I do not want to burst your balloon. but if there is any chance of her out living you do you not think it is in her best interest to have her learn as much as possible, I know she has a very immature mind, but she also sounds like she can be trained to help herself, and I am sure you want that to happen, the more she is able to help herself the better her self esteem will be and the more she will thrive, she is not a baby bird that must be kept safe and sound in a nest, she is capable of enjoying out side happenings as well, please do not deny her all that she is able to attain or enjoy. When I was a child there were not to many mentally handicapped people around as their parents were told they were incapable of learning, I know there are different levels of cognitive impairment, but it is amazing how many people surpass greatly what they were told they could attain. Let her get all the help to become a better/greater human being, and your blessings will grow equally.

Hello there, you are a wonderful mother as you have been looking after and caring your daughter for the past 16 years, which is not everybody, can do it. Especially your daughter needs round the clock care; you must be physically and mentally exhausted daily. But in your post, I only can see your worries; love and best wish for your daughter. And I also can see your daughter’s every progress makes you proud and happy. Well done! You deserve a medal.

I was reading your posts regarding Kyla your daughter. I am glad she has progressed. I little of a sacrifice will go a long way for your daughter. I would say when she comes back to you you will be amazed that the sacrifice you made will lighten your load of taking care of her. The goal really of such training is to make them do it on their own and I see an number of children like her undergoing physical and occupational therapy. They can be helped to look after themselves. That will be the best you can do and give for her.

As a mother you have been caring for her. Your love and affection to the girl has full of values. you are not in a position to part her for sometime to a hospital where she gains her health. That is due to your affection. I will pray God to grace her with normal health soon. I am 60 years old. So I feel it is my duty to advise you. we trust God. HE will help us through some body. You think that God gives her normalcy through that Training centre. We all pray for her good health and peaceful life.

You are a great mother and your daughter is very luvky...May your daughter get more and more health,wish you and your family happiness,best wishes!