So torn and confused! (ready for a soap opera?)
By o2bfree
@o2bfree (225)
United States
February 12, 2008 11:20am CST
4 yrs ago soon after my divorce from a marriage of 15 yrs(he cheated) I met the man I am married to now.
We dated for about a 1 1/2 yrs, during that time I came to realize he could give me what I needed and desired in a relationship. He was/is emotionally unavailable. So I broke up with him, only to find out 2 weeks later I was pregnant. I chose to do the "right" thing and give it my best. I did this for 2 1/2 years and was totally hurt,rejected and miserable. I needed so much more than he was willing to invest. I told him I wanted to divorce but had to live with him until I could get financially situated. we lived seperated for 3 months. During which time I met another man, became very involved. My soon to be x knew about this and did nothing to try to stop it.
I moved out almost 3 months ago. But here is the kicker, 2 weeks after I moved out the X started coming around trying to prove his undying love for me. Told me he was willing to spend the rest of his life proving to me if I would just take the chance. Eventually, this mental confusion put an end to my new relationship because I kept pushing him away. Meanwhile, not giving the X hope. Telling him I didnt believe him and was very scared it would return to the samo samo.
Once the other relationship ended...he was very very pursuasive do to my vulnerability. So I decided to give reconciliation a chance. One week into this decision, I found out he had been talking to numerous woman from a personal website, all the while he was trying to prove his love to me. The week before we decided to take things and see where it would lead us day by day. I had told him I wanted to make it work with the new relationship and under no uncertain terms to leave me alone.
Crazy week I tell you. The new relationship rejected me due to the yo yo game I had played with his heart. Also during that week the X went on a date and slept with the woman.
My question is...or concern....is I am having a hard time putting into perspective what happened.
He never quit telling me he loved me and would wait for the other relationship to run its course because he knew we would end up together.
How could he have been sincere in this if he was talking to other woman all the time?
Ultimately sleeping with another one. Granted I did in the new relationship but this was no secret to him. He bold face lied to me when I asked if he was talking to others during that time. I feel betrayed and of course hurt. And can't decided whether I should try to make this work with him or not.
I love him with all my heart but just not sure A) he will be able to give me what I need B) that I can get past my insecurities and hurt
Opinions please?????
3 responses
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
12 Feb 08
I have been exactly where you are now. I met my X after my husband told he he wanted a divorce because he had been cheating me on for months right under my nose. Then my relationship with the guy I was with then ended almost 2 years ago because he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted out of a relationship. I met the man I am with now and have been with for almost a year and a half.
During the first 8 months of my current relationship my X would call me 10 times a day professing his never ending love for me. He would send me flowers. He would tell anyone who would listen how much he loved me and he would get me back and that we belonged together. But during this time he was dating another woman who he ended up moving in with while he was still telling me all of these things.
The difference between me and you here is that I never gave in. I never fell for his false promises.
Your husband cannot give you what you need and want. Anyone can SAY they will do anything, but it takes proof. And I have learned that leopards can't change their spots.
He likes having this power over you. He likes that he can manipulate your mind and your heart this way.
Take that power from him sweetie. Leave him and stay gone. You aren't going to do yourself or your kids any favors if you are always miserable every day that you spend with him.
You don't need another man in your life right away. Do it on your own. Break this hold this man has over you and you will be the happiest you have ever been.
I KNOW it is a lot harder to do than I make it sound but if you really put your mind to it you will see that it isn't as hard as you think it is.
@o2bfree (225)
• United States
12 Feb 08
Yes right now that seems impossible! He initially pulled away from me once I found out what had been going on. It is like to make me feel better I try to justify his actions. That he was doing it out of hurt and rejection. So I NEEDED him to come back to me after I found out. Like he could heal the hurt of it or something. He was just over last night and we talked...and once again he dangles the carrot above my head and gives me hope, because he was tender and affectionate and actually wanted to talk about my emotions. I know it is hard to explain all the dynamics in a discussion. I will say there were times during those few months that he would quit messaging woman. Like one time for a week...then a few days.....etc.
I try to remember that I was in a relationship at the time and was pushing him away. But bottom line he lied to me and I am not sure I would ever believe it was sincere. He says "don't you see I did it because you had moved on, I was confused, and trying to find another, but meant every word I said to you, and would and did drop them all the minute you said you would have me back" Also saying "all of them only made him realise more that he wanted me"
Ughhhh....one day I will say ok I am out I can't do this. It hurts incredibly bad! I know I am very vulnerable right now. But God love me I have hope and fear that I let that hope cloud reality.
He has initiated a counseling session for us. Do I go????
My heart is in such conflict I feel like I am dying! Like I need closure one way or the other soon...or I will just collapse. Pitiful I know but I am just trying to be honest at how I am feeling today and have for the last week.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
12 Feb 08
Go to the counseling session. I even went to a counseling session with my ex while I was with my current sweetie. I held nothing back at the session and I told the therapist everything. By the end of the session I even had the therapist trying to convince my x to move on and that he had done too much to me for me to ever be able to trust his intentions.
In the end you will do what is best for you. I know the whole thing seems hopeless now but you will come through it in one piece.
@o2bfree (225)
• United States
12 Feb 08
So love is not enough reason to stay???? I swear I know he loves me, but again whether or not he will ever give me what I need I question. Whether counseling will help or not??? I just wish someone could get in my head and make this stop!!!!! I know we are both wounded humans and react to each other in this push and pull. Funny thing but the week before I found out he had done this I was not sure I wanted him back at all still. Once that happened though, I became desperate to feel his love again? What does this say about me??? Am I playing the same game of empowerment?
I don't think so initially because I did leave and vowed to never look back, but then "he changed".....Dang it why did I ever let him back in????
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
12 Feb 08
I agree completely..talk IS cheap and actions DO speak louder than words and from what I'm seeing...the X is just talking crap
