Why is it? When you marry, you give up all of who you are?

If you were looking for a knight in shining armor to save you, maybe you should ask yourself what did you need to be saved from? I know that I stayed in a marriage for 16 years and although there were some good times, on the whole it was not a good marriage. After I left, I took a year, to get back the me I once had been, I lost 150 lbs, I was pushing 300, I went back to school to work on my bachelor's degree, and in that years time, I had 2 or 3 dates, with a friend, no commitments whatsoever, it was dinner out and nothing more. A year after I had been out on my own, I was lucky enough to meet an amazing man, we have been together 3 years, and we have both been married 3 times before, and we're not in a rush to run up that aisle again. I'm not sure why a piece of paper and a ring seem to change people but they do. So, for now, we are happily living together, we 'act' as if we were married, but I don't need that piece of paper or ring on my left hand to show me he loves me for me. Maybe you're staying out of fear, fear of being on your own again, but life is too short to be unhappy everyday.

first of all I am not sure if you female or male but that really don't matter. I do not understand how someone can be so self centered. Did you ever think to share your dreams with your spouse? may he/she would love to know what those dreams are and may they have dreams also. being married does not mean your life ends it just means you has someone to walk with you. I have been married for 34 years and I have not ended my dreams. But if you have shared those dreams with your other then he/she did not care then I would think why did I get in this in the first place there was a reason from the start you two got married open that door again.

Men marry and hope the women never changes Women marry and wants to change everything in the man.. this is something i had to learn the hard way. All men are never mature enough when it comes to marriage..we have to grow up and become men..like it or not you have lost a friend when you married..but gained a wife..it happens

lol...it's normal...one is changing all the time. i'm an example...in my childhood i had so much fantastic ideas and dreams that i inspired myself to be a good singer or painter in the future ; but now i found that many of my dreams can't come true so i just give up. but i didn't throw my other dreams that's possible to be carride out. i am writing a small novel and i want to publish it out ASAP although i think i can't be succeed so simply. i know your situation must be more difficult...family,husband,and children...just arrange your time properly,,,don't be afraid of anything...you must believe you can get it...and don't lose heart, keep your mind as young as possible. i believe in you. come on, there!!!life is beautiful!!!

I understand your situation but you really have to speak up your mind... not when you two are fighting, maybe when he was in a good mood, just be casual, be honest in a way that he won't notice that you're already speaking up your mind or try to like joke about it. It's coz you're two different people, different attitude, different upbringing that's why you're both in this situation. Communication is a must in a relationship, I know this can be resolve... just be more patient and see in what ways you can open up with him... try writing him a letter... or email...just as long as you can express what you feel... just don't be cursing or what... i hope it helps.

I am really sorry that you have found yourself in this place. I was once in a simular situation myself. I have learned that if you change who you are to be with someone, then you and that person will never be completely happy together. If someone truely loves you then they love all of you...even the bad things. We all have imperfections. I hope that you can find someone who loves you for who you are, and not who they want you to be!

it seems you are not that much happy with your status. actually in marriage you are to think what the other person will take if you want to say something. its always the adjustment in most cases. so your own things are not visible as you fear it can harm the other's emotion.

I'm so sorry tonnie, that you feel this way. Being in a relationship shouldn't have this kind of effect on anyone. I used to think the same way you do. We end up giving up on ourselves, our hopes and everything else out of a purely psychological desire, thinking, "If I change into everything he wants me to be, he will love me more". There are many other reasons but in short, that's one of the major ones. The most important thing you have to remember for your own health and peach of mind, is what YOU think of YOU. Marriage and sharing your life with someone else is a difficult thing indeed, especially when we enter into that relationship with preconceived emotions and ideas of how things should be. With your statment, 'your knight in shining armor', suggests you might have a 'cinderella syndrome', believing that you thought he might very well have been your knight in shining armor, but suddenly, your eyes were opened to who he really is......which bursts the bubble of the idea that he was a knight at all. You should take stock in who you are....who you were before you met him, and who you want to be.....with and without him. It's a form of 'codependency' to allow anyone to change who you really are inside. You have to realize your value...what you think of yourself......then you have to be as open and honest with him as possible,,,asking him what it is he thinks of you, without allowing his response to upset you. How we see or think we know what they think sometimes ends up being totally opposite of what they actually say - if they are honest too. Don't allow anyone to change who you are for love......that ends up not being love but an emotional involvment with underlying psychological problems. Ask yourself why you married him in the first place? If you love him, then you two will work it out. If real love is not there, then what's the point?

I was just thinking the same thing the other day! While we are dating, we try to put our best foot forward...to be the best us we can! To impress. After marriage, things do change. I think it has to do with the messages we get (verbal, non-verbal, inferred and implied) about who we are to our spouse and what they would like us to be like. Women especially like to do what they can to change things. As men, protectors of our women, we do what we can to help, assist, and protect them. Sometimes that involves change. After awhile those changes become habit. And then the habit becomes the real (new) us. Strange isn't it. Ever think what how different you would be after being married to two different people (not at the same time...but just a comparison). It would be a very interesting thing to look at. What are you doing to keep the lines of communication open, spending time with each other and taking care of our financial future?

You don't have to give up who you are when you marry! it's a choice you make whether conscious or not! If from the start of your unmarried relationship you show your real self and show that what your partner has (you) is what they are getting they have the choice if that is what they want. If they can't accept you, you have to ask yourself if it is worth it! There must be a reason you changed. Did you think that he wouldn't accept you any more? did you think that a marriage was about giving up who you were? You're the only one that can take away your hopes dreams and needs, no one else has the power unless you allow them.

people by nature are manipulative. We want others to want what we want; to think the way we think; and to do the way we want things to be done. I think what holds you is your love for your spouse as well as your commitment. I think you need help. i Felt you need counselling, much more is your spouse. there is no better way for you than to be what you are (of course there should be some compromise), in the first place that is why he loved and married you.