We Can't Go On Together with Suspicious Minds
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
February 17, 2008 3:40pm CST
Have any of you ever gotten suspicious about your significant others actions for no good reason?
It is one thing if your sweetie has cheated on you and like an idiot you forgave them and believed when they said "It would never happen again." Then a few months later they are "staying late at work" 3 times a week.
That would make even the most naive person in the world suspicious.
I am referring to completely normal behavior that you have seen dozens of times. All of a sudden it forms a knot in your stomach and you get an uneasy feeling every time it happens.
I am out of my mind for writing this discussion because I know it will be viewed by my sweetie but I have already asked all the "right" questions and his answers haven't satisfied my suspicions so here it is.
My sweetie lives with me but still maintains his own separate residence. He goes there on average once a week to check his mail and make sure the cold hasn't busted pipes and that every thing is in order.
Recently, it seems that every time he has to go to his "Storage unit" (that is what we call it) there is something that has happened that keeps him there much longer than anticipated and even on one occasion, overnight.
I understand that it is cold and pipes can freeze. I understand that the furnace could be acting up. I understand that his parents who live really close to his storage unit could need him to run over to their house for something. I have an understanding of ALL of this, but lately it has been EVERY TIME he goes over there.
Just the other night he went out to get my baby some medicine and he told me he would be right back. He came back 2 and a half hours later with her medicine AND a pizza from a pizza place right down the street from his house.
He told me he had to stop at 3 different places to get her medicine and that is what took him so long. Then I look in the pizza box and find that there are only 4 pieces left out of a large pizza. I have never witnessed him eat more than 3 pieces at a time ever since I have known him.
This is really eating me alive. I have ZERO reason to think he is out cheating on me. He has NEVER given me any reason to think this. He has never once done anything that would make me question his fidelity. Unless you count taking me to dinner and buying me flowers and taking me to a concert while he was still dating a different woman before him and I got together.
So why do I find myself sitting here right now questioning this about him?
He just ran to his house to check his fuel level and called half an hour ago to say he had to stay and clean something or other and that he was going to be late. I just called him before starting this discussion and he didn't answer his cell phone.
Am I over reacting, or if you were me would you think there was more to all of this than meets the eye?
5 people like this
17 responses
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
17 Feb 08
LMAO Cyn, I am not an alarmist, but when those flags start going off and my gut and intuition says something is up, I have over the years learned to believe it. I am 98% of the time correct in my assumptions also. Perhaps it is not what was really going through my head but a lie indeed was afoot. I am not going to say one way or the other here as I have no idea at all in your situation but if it were me... Yes Mame I would be listening to my inner self.
3 people like this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
17 Feb 08
I have in the past let them go to because of that very thing only to be bit in the backside because as you just said we always know. It may not be cheating but perhaps he is looking for time alone. I am not even going to start the guessing game ,,,,, thats unfair to both of you.... I just speak from experience.... I know what I know because I know!
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Feb 08
I'm trying to muzzle my inner voice because I think it is screaming so loudly because of all the b/s I put up with from my significant pains in the @$$ before finding this guy.
I don't want to accuse him of something based on the sins of those who have come before him so that is why I haven't driven over there like a maniac yet trying to catch him in a lie.
If it does turn out that my gut is right on this one, it will certainly be his loss.
As a wise woman once said, "We may not always be able to prove, but we always know."
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
18 Feb 08
I'm with you, My instinct would be going off and flashing red lights in my eyes as well. I hope that it is not the case, and all the explinations COULD be sound, but.. Something DOES seem a little fishy about all of those signs together as a whole.. You say he is going to read this, well he may be more careful now, i dont even know who your sweetie is, but maybe you should start going with him when he geos to the house to ease your mind if he still insists hat nothing is going on. OR, i would just follow him sometime outta the blue and see what he does where he goes, if anyone is with him.
The fact that he cheated on another woman to be with you, That in its own would make me suspicious often if i was you.
I was still with my ex when i met my now hubby, and i refused to do anything with him untill i finished my unfinished business with my ex, for JUST that reason.
Hope you get resolve hun. good luck and HUGS
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
18 Feb 08
I hope it works out in your favour cyn.. I have been in this position before, and i think not knowing is worse then finding out the guy IS cheating. . that little voice in the back of your head always pondering away .. What is he doing right now, Why hasn't he called, he should be back by now.. I know i'm not helping, but i'm trying to show you your not alone, most of us girlies have gone though this at one time or another, dammn men!!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
It is also the fact that I have gone through this so many times before that is making it worse. I have NEVER been wrong about this kind of thing.
But you really are helping. Your words are telling me that I am not going crazy, well at least any crazier than I already am. So trust me, you have been a big help!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I used to go with him and it was a pain in the butt for my kids that I would have to tote along with me because there is nothing there for them to occupy their time.
And every time he was there for hours when it should have been an easy fix to what ever problem he was going there for. So I am keeping that knowledge I have in mind while working through this issue for myself.
He will tell you that he technically did not cheat on his ex. That he was simply having dinner with a friend and buying me flowers to brighten my day. And to his credit he had made up his mind to leave his ex before he ever took me to the concert but he wanted to break up with her in person and not on the phone. And even then he only kissed me once. But it does prove to me that he is capable of doing things without the knowledge of his partner.
*sigh* I'm sure this will all work itself out eventually.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
17 Feb 08
Call it instinct or what I call it, inner voice, these things can tell you something but then there is insecurity of ones self that can creep into things, I think you have to trust people until they give you reason not to but I believe your ineer voice should not be pushed aside completely...
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Feb 08
Lilaclady, you should be a lawyer! LOL Great response telling me to hear my inner voice but not act on it until given actual proof.
It really is a great comment. I say you should be a lawyer because my sweetie is one and he talks like this!
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I was married to a cheater and that inner voice means a real lot....not always but I stuck with him for a long time because I felt that I needed "proof". In the end, the doubt alone had driven us apart and me to leave. It wasn't until after I left that the truth came out....other people knew and came forward wondering how I didn't know. Now i don't need proof. If I can't feel that I can trust someone with all my heart...the relationship just isn't going t o work.
2 people like this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
18 Feb 08
You know I really think that once a person has been cheated on it changes you forever, its like losing somethin, you never really trust again, not 100% anyway, I don't think people realize what they are really doing to people when they cheat on them, I class it as a form of assault because it bashes your innocent sense of trust forever and to me that is assault....
2 people like this
@subha12 (18441)
• India
18 Feb 08
i think you have every good reason to be suspicious.But make sure whether your suspecions are right or wrong. I have seen many times we just get suspecious as we do not know the reason very well.May be we do not know the exact fact.But if there is really reason to be so, and you find out he is chaeting, then no way of being together.
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
And it is this right here that is so hard for me. If I search and search and can't find proof that my instincts are correct but my inner voice is screaming that I am right I have been known to pass judgment without giving the accused a fair trial.
I'm working on this.
So right now he has the benefit of me doubting myself. I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in my butt.
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
17 Feb 08
I'm probably the wrong person to say anything about this, the way my life is now but..I'm going to anyway.
Your not overreacting for one. I would be very suspicious because the same has happened to me in the past and I found out he was cheating. Also, on the other side of the coin, when someone is "cheating" or loving on someone other than the person they are with..every little thing can be used as an excuse. If you have a gut instinct then unfortunately you may be right. I hope that your gut is wrong and maybe because of the past your a little "overly" suspicious, but sounds to me like something is going on.
How long can it take to get medicine and a pizza...think about it. Your smarter than that my dear. I would question him until he breaks down.
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Feb 08
That is what is biting me in the butt. I AM too smart. And so is he. I find it inconceivable that he would try some lame excuse on me like I have to fix a pipe knowing I could drive there in 20 minutes to check to see if he is telling me the truth.
And another problem I have is, I don't question. I asked all the questions I was ever going to ask, last night and they really didn't even have anything to do with this "issue" I'm having.
Once I convince myself that my gut is right I am going to throw him and his dog out and that is going to be the end of it. There will be no apologies or hours spent with me listening to him declaring his innocence.
If things have gotten to the point of being so bad that I had to act without having proof then they are too bad to continue forward in the relationship.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Body language....look into his eyes and note the size of his pupils. Then ask him point blank if there is another woman. If he says "no" and his pupils shrink then he is lying. If he says "no" and they stay the same or grow larger....he is telling the truth.
1 person likes this
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Well I'm here for you if you need to talk, you have my info hun. :) Hang in there.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Damn, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I missed this until now!!! Cyn, I don't like it. And I trust your gut. I just hope that you're wrong, but if it walks like a duck... So, are you going to confront him? Is that why you haven't been on in so long? Shite, honey, I guess I better go check my e-mail.
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I usually don't get on at all over the weekends because it is "family time" but if he isn't going to be here half the live long day then I am going to sign on and try to keep my mind off of it.
I'm accepting right now that I am over reacting. But the next time "something comes up" I may just have to go out looking for proof.
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Oh yeah, I forgot about your weekend absences, Cyn. I don't know what' up with him, clearly, but I've got my radar up right now. So, ok, you're possible overreacting, that's not a bad way to look at it. But keep your eyes open, and listen to your gut, always. Best advice I can give, darlin. I'll be here if you need to vent. Mama loves you!
1 person likes this
@KrazyKlingon (5005)
• United States
20 Feb 08
Not sure what to say here. I do agree with Illa about airing dirty laundry here, but based on your response to her response, I guess things did work out in the end.
No offense, but I'm not sure why, but I'm actually picturing a guy & gal sitting behind their computers planning out this particular discussion, particularly in a previous response with the comments, giggling on the phone maybe, or if there are TWO computers next to each other, giggling beside each other while typing out the "grievances." If it was that, at least you two had fun together & didn't nearly end up in a lovers' quarrel. Even then, based on your response, hopefully, you've changed your tune to "That's the wonder ... the wonder of you."
Oopsie - did I start another song annoying playing in your head?
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Feb 08
Laugh because my sweetie and I HAVE had entire arguments over the computer sitting at opposite ends of my kitchen table.
Wasn't the case here but it got me the resolution I was needing and all is well in my world now.
And don't be surprised one day when you login and check your comments on your profile and find a comment from me playing "It's A Small World Afterall" so that song get stuck in your head all day :)
You are prime evil my dear! That's why I like you!
@talisman (1300)
• United States
20 Feb 08
No, I have never gotten suspicious of my significant other's actions for no reason. That's not the case with you, though. You have plenty of reasons to be suspicious of the person you're with, starting with the fact that he was dating you while he was still with someone else. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It was only a matter of time before he did the same thing to you, which is why you should never get with someone like that in the first place. Also, his actions and explainations don't make sense and aren't adding up.
@katisaurus (1038)
• Canada
18 Feb 08
Before I give my opinion, I'll tell you I know exactly what you're feeling! The guy I'm dating now, him and his ex girlfriend had been talking a lot for a while after we started dating and he would tell me he's going to have a nap, or a bath or both, or he would say goodnight to me hours before he usually goes to sleep and it just urked my to no end 'cause I always felt like he was lying to me about something. This caused so many problems we actually broke up a month later because I couldn't handle the feeling. He came over, told me everything and said he was never going to speak to this girl, or see her ever again because she was tearing apart our relationship. We're together now and we plan on moving in together before the summer.. So I know how you feel. It's that gut instinct. When your love tells you he's going to be late, and it turns in to such a bad habit. It drives you mental. I wouldn't keep bugging him and asking questions all the time because it might just push him away. Especially if there really is nothing going on. I would just give it some time, maybe he's just hanging with his buddies. You never know.
Goodluck.xo
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
If he wanted to hang out with his friends then he would just tell me he was going to go hang out with his friends, not make up something that he knew would drive me insane.
I'm giving it some time. This has only been happening frequently since it has gotten cold. So I will see what his excuses turn into when he sells his storage unit.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
23 Feb 08
Gosh Cyn, this doesn't sound good. You seemed so secure in your love for one another and your happiness. Maybe he's planning a surprise for you. It seems too obvious for some hanky panky to be actually occurring....I would think he'd be less obvious.
I can certainly understand how you are feeling....(been there, done that).
@KrazyKlingon (5005)
• United States
23 Feb 08
If you read through the whole mess of replies & comments, the tune changed to That's the wonder, the wonder of you.
Oopsie - did I start an endless tune annoyingly playing in your head?
@KrazyKlingon (5005)
• United States
23 Feb 08
Well - they talked about it, & it was solved. Don't you just LOVE a happy ending?
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Ummm....In reading your post, I was taking his side in the matter. Because I am a type of person that needs alot of space, I often find myself making lame excuses to my boyfriend in order to get that space and at the same time hopefully not hurt his feelings. I could see myself making an excuse to spend the nite at my place or take longer than needed....becuz i really do need that space. I thought that all until I got to the part where you told about the pizza and how you and he got together....Big huge red flag there!! I think if i were you, I would be heading over to his place and find out for sure. you have a right to know and your relationship is going to suffer if you are filled with doubt.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I have used this post to do all the ranting that I know doing to his face wouldn't get me anywhere. He will see this discussion eventually and if he is cheating he will know that I know and he will either stop or have to come clean and fess up. Either way our relationship is going to suffer. He has to choose how bad he wants his suffering to be after we are over.
@jtownesquire (104)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Ok. Yes, I have finally got around to seeing this discussion. To all of you who seem to think you know me or what Cyn should do or think, I'll give you a piece of advice: Maybe you should try asking more questions than making ridiculous statments about things you know nothing about.
This gets back to my prior responses on a few subjects about how people only tell you what they want you to know. Obviously, nowhere in this little "discussion" did she mention that long after she and I started dated that she would still sneak around and spend time with her ex. Sure, she said it was because of the kids, but even when the kids weren't involved she would spend hours on the phone with him. She would call him to talk when she and I would fight. She even let him stay at her house overnight for two nights after she and I had a fight because she wnet with him to the movies ...."for the kids sake."
Obviously, you aren't getting the entire picture, so you might be well advised to keep your opinions on my actions to yourselves.
Also, you might want to consider why it is Cyn finds it perfectly fine to rant on here but won't ask me a direct question about it.
And to address a few of the issues raised....I sat in her kitchen (and yes, she makes it clear on a regular basis that it is HER house), and ate the pizza. I fed some to my dog, and saved some for the kids because Aiden said he wanted a piece. I hadn't eaten all day so I was a bit hungry. I always eat a lot fo pizza when it is from this particular place.
I won't bother with explaining the rest.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Reason #835 why it is useless to try to talk to someone in your profession. I'm done too. My head is spinning from this merry-go-round you have created with your answers. I'll see you when you get home.
@jtownesquire (104)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I think I do need to add one thing: I am not cheating on you. And I have no intentions of it. But, if you are ready to believe the worst because I took 2 hours at my house (despite you taking hours just to run to a store and return something and I am just supposed to accept that), then maybe things need to change a bit.
1 person likes this
@jtownesquire (104)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Apparently, you were too busy with your face buried in MyLot to notice that I ate a hell of a lot more than 1 piece of pizza in the kitchen. I didn't even break the tape on the box until I got there!
And, to be clear, the only reason I felt the need to re-comment is so I wouldn't get all the nonsense from your little "MyLot buddies" about how I never even denied the suspicion. Quite frankly, I didn't feel the need to even address it, but figured I better lest all of these "wonderfully perceptive" people take that as a sign of guilt.
Now, I am done with this on her. Feel free to continue with this as much as you would like. I'm sure there are plenty of little MyLotters out there with their own intuitive take on this matter. Get lots of advice from all of them. Just remember, when their advice causes you to do something stupid, they aren't going to suffer along with you.....you get that all to yourself.
@IceMagi2 (102)
• United States
19 Feb 08
You know what I think just by the fact that I have to live with the two of you. He may or may not be doing these things, but I think that if you are anything like your father forgive me for saying this because you know that I can't stand him, I think that you know exactly what it is that you really need to do. Another thing I will be here as long as you need me so feel free to yell and fuss with me just try not to do it when I cook lol.
1 person likes this
@duvessa17 (9)
• United States
18 Feb 08
hi I recently got a divorce and no you are not crazy for writing this post. It would make me suspicious too, because it is what my ex husband did to me and I found out he was cheating. If you have asked the "right" questions why not try stopping by with dinner since he is working late there? It might help stop the suspiciousness or confirm it. I suppose that is a risk we all have to take at some point isn't it. I hope all works out he might just be a handy man working on his place but you never know. I wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
19 Feb 08
Wow I would be horrified if someone dragged myt realtionship issues all over mylot....
@KrazyKlingon (5005)
• United States
20 Feb 08
Uh - Cyn ...
Does that mean that you've now changed your tune to "That's the wonder The wonder of you?"
Oopsie ... did I stick another song that never ends in your head?
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
19 Feb 08
Then it's a good thing they are MY issues and not yours huh? But dragging them here got me answers from my readers and got my sweetie to finally stop ignoring certain issues and actually talk to me so sometimes you have to put yourself out there to get heard and that is what I did. But come on, you both have seen enough of me on here by now to know that this is exactly the sort of thing I would do. Why even bother acting surprised?
@aquajules4 (583)
•
18 Feb 08
if your that concerned either follow him or get a friend to follow him. Just to see if he's doing what he says.
Or if you have a friend that he does not know, get them to knock on his door and pretend to be a sales rep. etc. this way yuo will know if he is there and if he is up to anything.
Have you ever cheated on someone yourself? because this could also be making you over react to something that may not be there.
hope you get it sorted.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
I never cheated in the terms of I was seeing someone behind someones back. I had left someone before and they refused to believe we were over even after I started dating another man. You may call that splitting hairs but I don't. I don't cheat. I even went as far as breaking up with my boyfriend because a boy I liked was taking me to dinner and I had hoped we would become a couple but that was when I was still a teenager.
I would never follow him though. Because if he caught me checking up on him when he wasn't doing anything wrong then I wouldn't be able to justify my actions.
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
18 Feb 08
OK my dear here is what I have to say on this matter. You need to be honest with him and yourself. Tell him your fears. Maybe he'll make sure that you don't have nothing to fear.
But here let me ask these questions
Have you two set a date for the wedding?
You know his behavior, was this the same behavior that he displayed when he was getting with you when he was still with his significant other?
Has he ever given you any reason to doubt him?(be honest)
I know that when you have a gut feeling it's better to look at it and follow through with finding out or else this is going to eat you up inside.
One last question is he making excuses to get out of things that you planned to do together?
ok two last questions. And is it getting worse with him just disappearing longer that he should? like for example every chance he gets?
Answer those and then I'll get back to you.
Right now I don't feel I can say yeah or nay to he is or isn't.
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
18 Feb 08
My advice to you is to talk to him and tell him how you feel .. Go from there.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Feb 08
Answer one - Either some time in April or August 8th if we don't do it in April. So we have the dates narrowed down but not set in stone.
Answer two - I would have to ask his ex what his behavior was when he was sneaking around to take other women out when they were together. She did tell me once that he "told her everything" but obviously he wasn't being totally truthful if their relationship ended so ours could start.
Answer three - He has only given me these things that I have mentioned here and other instances like these to doubt him. Nothing other then this kind of thing has been out of the ordinary.
Answer four - Just Saturday we planned to do something but I had a headache and his stomach was upset but I suggested we do it yesterday and as you can tell it never got done. That is the only time we haven't done something we have planned on doing.
Answer five - He always tells me when he has to go do something but the length of time he is away is getting longer and longer with every time he walks out my door. I just hope that one of these times I haven't gone crazy while he is gone and he returns to find his luggage packed and his dog sitting on my front porch waiting for him.
