When The World Expects Too Much!

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First, let me say that if I had somewhere else or someone else to rant to, I wouldn't be here bending your ears... But I don't have that now, and I need to at least feel like someone cared enough to listen. I don't expect anyone to have the answers, because, quiet honestly, there are some problems in life... that have no answers and no way of ever being fixed. You just have to deal with it and hope to make it out alive. Don't for a moment think that I'm lonely, or even unpopular! OH! NO! far, far, from it! In fact, I'm the total opposite! I have found that I am apparently the neatest person in the entire world to be with or talk to! And I had no clue, just how "needed" and "wanted" I am until this point in my life! how could it have happened without my knowing it earlier? how did I just suddenly and blindly stumble upon this unwanted popularity? my phone rings before I even wake up each morning, it's always someone wanting me to do something, help out... or just listen to their mind numbing chatter!.. don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping those in need.. BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY is a little more than I can take! my sister calls about 12 times in a 4 hour period, each and every day... and God forbid I ever say anything (I've done that before) it only gets my entire family mad and thinking that I need to get over myself and I'm told that I should be happy to help out my sister, who can't turn a computer on without step by step guidance from ME, but alas, she has the "want" to be online even though she has no clue what she is doing! I am suppose to get up and leave what ever I might be doing (which is usually house work or fixing someone Else's problem!) to run over to her house and find the problem and fix it.. happily and without complaint! her last problem (OH! this will give you an idea what I am dealing with) was Yahoo (her favorite groups are there) went down and I was to fix Yahoo... yes! the server! so that she can continue reaching out to those in her groups! After explaining that I can't do that, I was then called 15 more times to get an update on how it's STILL not working.. if I can't fix it, I should at least listen to what it's doing to her and how it has profoundly changed her day! but to be on the safe side that it is indeed the server being down.. I am asked to come check it out.. many times throughout the day! and yes, I go! I've learned what happens if I don't! I get the cold shoulder from not only her but my ENTIRE family.. because my sister needed me and by GOD I wasn't there in her hour of need! how self centered of me NOT to go! When she is finally tired and 'called out'... then comes the visits from my parents (they just walk in many different times a day!).. I am then expected to stop whatever I'm doing and chat with them... and should I continue doing what I was doing... WELL! I'm just ignoring and pushing my family (who is the pentacle of my existence) away! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I have no time at all, in any given day..or any hour that I can actually say belongs to JUST me.. no one else.... just me alone. I feel like my sole purpose in life is to service other people's needs, wants and desires... to heck with mine! and I'm never to complain about it... my wanting time to myself is "selfish", "childish", and completely wrong to expect or ask for, under any circumstances. By the time I have done all that I can do for those around me.. my real day starts! it's then time to pick up my kids... fix dinner.. talk to them and hubby about their day and try to fix whatever the "problem of the day" is that seem to be plaguing them. it's MY job! I send hours figuring out the hard stuff, like why a girl in school is being hateful to my daughter for no reason... to homework problems that drive ME nuts! lol!.. to chatting about the hateful and uncaring teachers.... and then it's time to trade in my therapist hat and slip into my taxi uniform and start driving my two sons from band practice and to other school functions that can't function without them being there. Then back home in time to listen to hours of my husband talking about issues at work that I have no idea what he is talking about, but I DO listen and listen about how a certain thingymabob isn't working or how there is a possibly layoff in process.. and how a certain guy at work is only out to get him, no matter what he does!.. and I'm to remain hopeful, upbeat, happy, smiling through the entire thing.. it is, after all.. MY job. I have one hobby, just one.... and for me to spend any time whatsoever on this hobby is considered unreasonable and a waste of my time, when I could be taking care of someone else! I feel like I'm going nuts, never having one minute to myself.. is it really that important for someone to have time alone, to do nothing but cater to their own needs just for a little while each day? Is it really wrong to want it so damn bad? I have learned that the only times that can ever be mine are when everyone else goes to bed and have happily been taken care of throughout the day.. and my time is from midnight to whenever my eyes won't stay open any longer... And then I'm asked why I stay up all hours of the night?!.. it could be because it's the only time I have to sit and THINK or read what I want to, in silence, or even to play with the dreams that I push away throughout my day.. and entertain the thoughts of being someone with a life. Those precious and few twilight hours are all that I have... there are 24 hours in a day.. and those last remaining hours are what I have left over that no one else wants or demands... I cherish those hours, if only they knew how much I cherished MY time! Perhaps they would see why sleeping isn't nearly as important to me as it might otherwise be if I had another time slot to call my own. I have spent the last 19 years of my life, taking care of a husband that has another, but very important profession that takes me into the inner workings of it.. taking MY time, MY effort and it is expected of me to be there, no matter what.. a title I never asked for or wanted, yet it was dumped on my lap and I graciously took it.. and have without fail or complaint done the best that I can do. I have spent 18 of those years raising babies so close in age that it felt like having triplets.. 3 in diapers, three in need of round the clock supervision.... and I didn't let any of their needs go unattended even if it was sometimes round the clock special care. I have been the best mom that I know how to be.. I don't mind doing what I do for them, they are my kids and I'm the reason they are here to begin with... I wanted them and didn't have children blindly but rather knowing the responsibility of what they would bring into my life.. I knew this before I even gave birth... but thinking that at some point, the burden of being so responsible for so much of their existence would somehow become less of a demand.. and I would then be able to rest and take a few minutes to myself. Foolishly, I believed that I could live again (just a little!).. after they grew up somewhat... but even though they are teens now and one is almost 18.. it's not changed anything. I no longer feel like a woman, or even a person.. but rather a service dog for others to come to (only when they need something which is pretty much all the time) and I am seen as selfish and self centered if I want just a small space of time to call my own. is it REALLY so wrong to want time to catch my breath in between times that I must fix or cater to someone Else's needs? am I really asking or expecting too much?