Leave it Closed or Open the Door...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
February 25, 2008 7:21am CST
A while back I started a discussion about one of our past foster kids that had moved back to the town where we live. He'd had some problems and I caught him making a phone call from our house to make arrangements to pick up some pot from his so-called friends. I changed our phone number and refused to give it to him again. He moved away a few days later and I haven't heard from him...it's been since September.
Well, last night he called my Mom's and wanted my address so he could write to him and left his number just in case. Now I'm trying to decide what to do...should I leave this door closed and not call him or should I let bygones be bygones and call him up. I do miss talking to him but he messed up with that phone call. BTW, I've known he smokes pot for a long time but he promised me he'd never bring it or anything to do with it into my home. Hubby says he's leaving it up to me to decide.
What would you do?
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
12 people like this
27 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I would give him another chance, but be cautious.. What he did was wrong, but also as a kid and a foster kid also, he made a mistake, so maybe he is trying to make up for that. But if it looks as though he may be trying to use you, I would put my foot down again, especially if he is now over 18..
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Well, we all make mistakes but I met him halfway and called him this morning. We had a nice talk and he is doing well. He lives in OKC now and I live in Missouri so we can take things slow and see if we can get back to being friends again.
Thanks for responding!
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
25 Feb 08
That is good, I am glad that things are working out for you..:)
2 people like this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
25 Feb 08
If I was in the same situation I would open the door. He seems to be reaching out to you. I would naturally be cautious of course but I would keep the lines of communication open. We all have made poor judgements at one point or another but I believe that people deserve a second chance. You don't have to invite him to your home. Just a phone call, an e-mail, or a letter would do just fine until he earns your trust again.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Right now he is living in OKC and I live in Missouri. So it is just phone calling. We talked this morning and had a very nice talk...he's talking about a visit in a few months so we'll see how it goes.
Thanks for responding!
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I am not sure what I would do. If you want to contact him, maybe use a tracphone or something, so he does not have your home phone. I don't think I would be able to trust him, and would let him know that.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I think it's going to take some time for us to get back to the level of trust we had but he seems to be working on putting his life together again so we'll see how it goes.
Thanks for responding!
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I'd say give him another chance. Obviously he loves you guys as much as you love him. He knows what he did was wrong and I'm sure he's sorry and wants to make amends. Come on, what do you say? Give him another chance.
2 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Feb 08
LOL Your post was one of the ones that got me to call this morning LOL We had a nice talk and he's planning a visit in a few months. He's living in OKC and I live in Missouri so right now it's just phone calling. He's getting his life straightened out so we'll see if we can get back to where we are friends again.
Thanks for responding!
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@bizmom (515)
• United States
29 Feb 08
I honestly think u should KEEP on ur guard with this one AT ALL TIMES!! DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY ROOM!!
Im sorry but in my experiance with people like this -- they do NOT change -- unless THEY actualy WANT TO!! and most sadly do not!!
Im not saying close the door completely but do NOT open it wide for anymore BS - keep things on a civil social level and i might find ur more sane for it and with way less BS in ur life once again! DO NOT offer anything other than calls for not let them ... MAKE them prove themselves first .. and even then!! SLOW and steady!
its the same if it were anyone else that did u wrong! u woldnt accept them into ur home and pamper them shower them with ur love - they already messed with that! - ud take it one step at a time rebuilding the trust which takes time
Believe me save urself alot of heartache again and be CAUTIOUS!!
Good luck
XX
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
26 Feb 08
that is a hard one, I really do not know what to tell you
1 person likes this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
26 Feb 08
WOW. I'm not sure what to tell you.
I'm not even sure what I would want to do.
I mean what he did was wrong - but he's like a kid too you too. I think if you want to give him a shot I think writing and talking to him on the phone would be a nice way to start...let him slowly build up your trust again before you invite him back into your home. And let him know once again his behavior won't be tolerated again.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
27 Feb 08
I can understand why you would be hurt and feel let down sweets but we ALL make mistakes in our lives , some worse than others! I know he has probably made many mistakes before but I am sure that you forgave him those times, right? My sister has fostered children for over 27 years, had 3 of her own and adopted 3 of her long term foster children - she is still fostering now as only 1 of her children still lives at home. She still keeps in very close contact with so many of her foster kids even those who have hurt her. I think it would take an awful lot for her to give up on any of them,although she is very strong and tells them exactly what she thinks of their behaviour! I am really glad that she does as she has given so much to these kids and young adults and helped get or keep their lives on track! Only you can tell whether you can trust this boy again sweety but whatever you do make sure that he knows where he stands and why - I am sure you will! xxx
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
26 Feb 08
How about meeting him someplace else other then your home? Do not let him know where you live but meet hime somewhere public.
Who knows he may have cleaned up his act and wants to appolgize. Then again you will never know if you do not give him a chance.
@irishmist (3814)
• United States
28 Feb 08
What the boy did was wrong, but I think you should give him another chance and see what he has to say. It sounds like he is reaching out to you. We all make mistakes that we regret.
1 person likes this
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
29 Feb 08
It seems to me he might like to talk to you.People do make
mistakes,I know my own children have.Even though I still love
them and let them know how I feel,and keep the line open.We
must forgive to be forgiven ourselves,just do give him a chance
to do it again.
1 person likes this
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
28 Feb 08
I would meet up with him away from the house and have a chat with him. Let him know how disappointed you were about his last visit and just go from there.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Me? Well I have no patience fopr kids and when someone wrongs me I kick them out of my life forever. But that's me. What you should do is find out if he is clean and sober. I guess the best way to find out is set up a meeting face to face. If he has changed,then give him your email address or a neutral phone number. If you meet him and he is the same as September, don't give him anything.Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
26 Feb 08
Its possible that he has cleaned up his act and wants to get in touch with you again...It is up to you whatever you decide...You must have made a very good impression on him since he wants to connect with you again...I will admit he should never had made that phone call,and he knows it, so maybe he just wants to make amends..It depends on how you feel about him rather you open your door to him...How long was he with you? and how much do you miss him? Just consider the choices you have and that should tell you.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
25 Feb 08
Personally I would call and see what is up. Maybe he needs someone to give him guidance. And if he promises not to bring anything with I would give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance. Totally up to you though. This is just what I would do.
1 person likes this
@suehan1 (4344)
• Australia
26 Feb 08
i think he is calling out to you twoey.you spent a lot of your time with him being a foster parent,and it would be hard just to cut off ties with him.i would call him and see what he wants and then you can at least say you have tried your best .cheers sue
@castratton (139)
• United States
25 Feb 08
I think it is a good thing that you reopened the connection with him. I'm sure he regrets breaking his word to you, however now that he is no longer in your home I would be prepared that the behavior could still be occurring and that is a choice he is making. But that doesn't mean you can't be there for him have a relationship with him, and encourage him to reevaluate the choices he is making. Maybe through renewing the relationship with you you might help him to make better choices, but even if you can't having each other in your lives might be good for you both.
