Should I leave or Should I stay
By virgo73
@virgo73 (17)
Spain
February 26, 2008 5:45am CST
Im married to a wonderfull man surprisingly I would say we are perfect together.We both put from each other side and sacrifice to make each one happy...well this was until my Step Daughter of 16 years came to live with us. He got a divorce (8 years ago) mainly becuase he had a very stubborn Ex and difficult kid. His Ex never allowed him to get involved in their education or in any other decisions at home...so he was just a man earning money to provide his for his kids. Needless to say the events that happened concerning his kids were polices involved upto the point of my SD beating up her mother and the Ex sending the girl to live with us. My husbands Ex- blames him for eveything (despite he passes a pension 4 times more..being a very good man and she lives in more luxury than us) Now my SD has been with us for last 6 months and has done everyhing possible to break up our marriage..from manipulations, lies, beating my kids,bad behaviour in school, spoiling relationships with freinds and neighbours (manipulations),bad respect towards family members.... so on. My husband is aware of all of these. He gives a blind eye to many things. He is fine for two weeks and then slips back into believing his daugters manipulations and when the truth is out he is hurt again and again , me and my kids have to suffer for this. I have to pick up the pieces but again slowly once he is fine he goes back and blammmmmm same thing again. I understand he is the father and want to beleive that things can change and will be better. We all wait for miracles and positive things to happen in life...but in this case I see it very clear that nothing has changed in last 15 years (obviously since he does not have the support of his Ex in the education) and it´s only getting worse...Meanwhile all around him that love him me and kids, his parents, his sister all of us have to suffer to see him suffer. He told me that she will go back next year..and i am sure based on my experiences the following she will return. What do i do??? I cannot go on living with this I have 2 kids who i have occupy for their future and their education. They don´t have anybody else other than me. They don´t deserve this when all the do is do everything possible (studies, obedience and respect) to keep mumy and my husband happy. The girl will always be a part of His Life forever and I cannot live with her.......Am I fool ? Am i doing right for my children, Is this a bad ambient for me and my kids?? I will be loosing a good man? or is he good? dunno what to do
2 people like this
9 responses
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
26 Feb 08
This is a tough decision that, unfortunately, no one here can make for you. It sounds to me, though, that this 16 year old girl needs something more...maybe boot camp! She is a problem child, you know this. The question is, if she is really going back to her mothers and you and your husband are truly in love and you two are happy with each other, do you want to throw all that away? True love is hard to find and when you find it you need to hang on to it the best you can. there are gonna be trials and there are gonna be problems, but the two of you have to work on them together. It sounds to me like he's trying to overcompensate for not being there for her and her living with her mother and is just trying to overlook the things she's doing so he doesn't have to deal with it. He's gonna have to deal with it and get firm with her or she will destroy the two of you. If that is her goal, it will happen unless the two of you come together and solve the problems going on. I know it's hard on your husband, but he's gonna have to take a stand and be consistent in how he acts towards her and not be fooled by her anymore or it will destroy not only the two of you, but it will ultimately destroy him. i'll be praying foryou and definitely keep us posted. God bless
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
28 Feb 08
Thanks for BR and i'm sorry that he didn't agree with the boot camp thing. I think sometimes it's hard for parents to do something that would be good for their children because they don't want their children hating them, but in all honesty...that could be the one thing that could turn her life around and one thing that could make her see that her father does really care about her and wants the best for her. it's only gonna get so much worse if he doesn't do something soon. my brother was a problem child and my dad and step mother did nothing to stop him and now he's so far gone it's not even funny. i don't go around him because i don't want him influencing my children in any way what so ever. i'll continue praying for you and your family. i hope things work out for the best. keep me posted and God bless
@virgo73 (17)
• Spain
28 Feb 08
A boot camp is perfect I have suggested that, but the Ex- did not agree. The problem that i see is in the future. She is already planning to do college in our city...which would mean living with us. She has been difficult child since she was little and worse as a teenager. She is protected and given all comforts in life by her father and mother...she will never realize hardships and trus. this i guess untill 40 years..this is the average year that the children live with their parents in Spain. So I would have to face with this God know´s how long. We two are together but he slips back into her manipulations. Thanks for your prayers
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
27 Feb 08
The kid is sixteen right? In two years, she will be an adult and maybe will have to go away, to college. Then things will be ok. Why not talk to ur hubby? Tell him you want the girl out or you could separate on a temporary basis. Actually, it is up to you. No use living in a tense atmosphere. Wish you luck.
@virgo73 (17)
• Spain
28 Feb 08
The worst nightmare is yet to come. The colleges are in our city and she plans to come and stay with us ..... Im in a more difficult situation. Im just resident in Spain and have started job not sufficient enough to support my kids........he will not pay a pension since he has not adopted them...
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
27 Feb 08
yes, it’s a truly difficult situation and trying to understand the teenage girl’s mental problems will definitely not solve yours. I think the best would be to try and keep as cool a head as possible, ignore most of her tantrums and pray to god that you love for your husband ultimately proves to be stronger than his love for his estranged daughter. You may also try to be nice to her sometimes in front of your husband or maybe take her sides even when you know she is wrong…basically try to enter her good books (if she has one i.e.)
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
27 Feb 08
At 16, she is old enough to know right from wrong and to be responsible for her actions. Next time she beats up your children, call the police on her. I mean it. If she wants to learn her lessons the hard way, so be it. Don't ever tolerate your children being hurt. That is totally unacceptable. Then if your husband sides with your stepdaughter then leave him.
@aowaow (1516)
• Indonesia
27 Feb 08
You are not a fool. Every family has its own bad dilemma, even richest family.
---------
Struggle for it -- or Let it go.
To let it go, it's not bad at all.
Sometimes we had to choose the worst to pick the fruit later.
We need to fall before leaping and jumping back.
Step Daughter:
We just need to buy a time for her, and to your family.
Picking up nose by confront directly on a teenager's emotion is not as easy as flipping palm. By confront it, we are just no matter different as her. Show that you are a truly parent to her, no matter how hurt your heart towards her, always as be patience as you can.
If she decide to go to her mother, then let it go. Because her heart isn't in your place, what then will be happened future, we will decide it later.
So, why don't give it a shoot? Sometimes what we think it will give us a bad result in our mind before it's happened, the real outcome not yet be the same one.
I can feel you had done the best for family.
Your husband:
Your hubby is not wrong, not because he is not a guy/parents without principle. The blood is thicker than water, and bend all of the balance perspectives in family life. Please, don't blame him. Or everything will be gone sour. He is the key holder in this complicated case.
What you need to do is always to support him. Even though it's a slander.
Last option:
If you want the last option, then it is a divorce, only if you can't stand it anymore. You will need mentally be prepared of everything when you become a single parent , which will not an easy task for the first step.
Every option contain good and bad sides, so decide carefully.
@virgo73 (17)
• Spain
28 Feb 08
I have struggled in life, lived in Iran, then dubai, then in India and now in spain, ived in the worst and come through so much of emotional, phyiscal torture. Im patience and understanding and have things very clear in life. I fought the worst to have my kids with me and educate them well. Trusted in a man and the choice i made to play a role model for my kids.
Its hard sometimes to think maybe i made a wrong choice. I don´t ask for a bed of roses. He told me that if i had kids like his he would not have married me. So this means i have to bear it. No body is perfect i understand him. Now i doubt myself which i never done before. I can´t stand it anymore, since she will always be there sooner or later. Thanks for your very clear opinions
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Feb 08
That is a tough situation to be in and hard to tell you what to do but I think you have to have this out with your husband.tell him just what you have told us . and suggest that he may have to decide between you and the girlIf he really loves you surely he will hate to see you so unhappy and also he should care that his daughter is misbehaving like this,after all he is her father so some blame should come on his shoulders.for one thing suggest that one day soon she will be grown up while you and him and your children are a family that should prevail. not be held hostage to a spoiled teenagerwho is trying to break up your marriage.
@virgo73 (17)
• Spain
28 Feb 08
I have told him the same and not just once many times in different ways...its okay for 2 weeks and then back again. We have been waiting for some changes since she was little, growing up with lot of hate and jealousy and now its even worse. I frankly don´t belive in change in her.
Thanks
@subha12 (18441)
• India
26 Feb 08
I think its really a difficult situation to advise you something. Its a problem I can understand what you are currently going through. Try to speak with this Girl. tell her frankly what she is doing is not right at all. i have seen step children acting this way to break current relationship. Also take your husband into consideration,. Give him choice to live with this girl or miss you and your children. Put the points firmly.
@virgo73 (17)
• Spain
28 Feb 08
Subha. I have tried talking to her a million times, with reasons, with examples, as a friend taking her sides.........but the moment i don´t support her when she´s wrong.......blam all goes down the drain for her. She wants to rule our lives. I gave him the choice. She goes next year....but she´s already planning to do her college with us!!!!
@slavezero (833)
• Philippines
29 Feb 08
The best way you can do is talk to your husband. Dont shout, dont cry... talk as a friend.
Let him know that you understand his situation. He just wanted to give his daughter a chance. And that you are proud of him for everything that he is willing to take for his daughter.
But let him understand, that as a wife you need him too to stand for you and your kids. Living together is not healthy since his daughter is causing much trouble and he is aware of it.
things are affecting your life, kids and family...
Then do not dictate him... ask him "What is your plan for us?( You and your kids)", "Is this the kind of family you want to have?"
Let him ponder the question, let him think about it.
Love not only requires understanding, it also requires discipline.
If nothing happens... then dont leave the house. Live there with them. protect your kids. Let that daughter see that you are still the woman of the house. Let her do what she want. Dont be affected.
if your husband confront you, then tell him, thats the way he want it to be. You have no husband to stand for you and for your kids and that made you stand for your own. And its the only way you know.
What I am pointing out here is "Dont give up that easy. If she would destroy you and your family, dont make things that easy for her."
