I Really Miss My Ex, But Luckily My Aim is Improving
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
March 1, 2008 12:54pm CST
I was reliving some on my last nightmare with a friend who hasn't been in contact recently and I was going on and on about what a jerk and what a screw up and what a (whole long list of words that I can't post thanks to mylots language filter) he was when she cut me off in the middle of a sentence and said "Oh honey, it sounds like you really miss him"
It was one of the rare moments in my life where I had to think about what I was going to say next for fear of this woman's safety the next time I saw her, so I just said "huh, how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion"?
She went on to explain that she was listening to me go on and on about him and to her that meant that I still had feelings for him and that I miss not having him around, or else I would have just left the topic of him after I said I hadn't had to see or speak to him since September.
Of course! I should have seen it all along! I have been so distraught over my kicking his worthless butt out that I have this huge whole in life where his lazy rear end once sat. (please note the sarcasm, I wouldn't want to have to hurt anyone for thinking I'm being serious)
So I have to admit I let her have it. I told her she was absolutely right, I still had many feelings for him, among them were hatred, animosity, loathing, and pity for the woman and child he has suckered into his pathetic excuse for a life. I told her that I was going on and on and on about him because I hadn't really talked to her since all the important stuff happened so I had to give back story dating back to Father's Day of 2007 for her to understand it all. The magnitude of his stupidity could not be summed up in a few simple sentences. I told her she should know better after seeing just a small snip it of some of the crap this guy put me through. I went on and on telling her she very well may have driven herself mad and she is now the crazy lady with all the cats that I feared as a child.
She listened to me. Every word. And then she says, "well whatever, I still think you miss him"
I had to hang up. And I don't think I will be calling her back for a good long while. At least not until she has her labotomy done.
Has anyone ever told you that they thought you still had feelings for one of your exs? Were they right or wrong? How did you make them understand just how wrong they were if that was the case?
5 people like this
9 responses
@idaantipolo (472)
• Philippines
2 Mar 08
Well if you talk about a person whom you never seen for quite sometime, chances are you miss this person. It's alright to miss a person even if it was a nighmare when you were with him. But you have to move on and as much as possible, do not open up a conversation with him as a topic. That is how I deal with the not-so-nice-past-relationship I had. So I do not have to deal with people thinking that I miss him.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
Brilliant! That is exactly what I am going to do the next time someone asks me if I have heard from this jerk or how things are going. I will simply tell them, they do not want to know and move on to a new topic of discussion. It will certainly help to keep my blood pressure down.
@mssnow (9484)
• United States
2 Mar 08
I do see something in your writings. I do see that there are feelings there for the jerk. Maybe not good feeling s but if you had no feelings for him he would not be worth even discussing. So, you might not miss him but i can see you are hurting. Until you completely get that hurt out, you will continue bringing him up. Then one day you will just say. Screw the jerk and be done with it. lol
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
I had another friend tell me, that one day I would wake up and just decide I was done and then I would be done and it would be as easy as that.
I don't believe it. There is just too much wrong for me to ever be done with it.
I am reminded of 90% of it every time I look at one of my children. So chances of me saying screw it are slim.
The reason I brought him up at all during our talk was because she asked what was going on with our court hearing or what happened since she hadn't talked to me in so long.
She asks the question and I get told I miss him by giving her an honest answer. I just don't get that either.
@nancyrowina (3850)
•
1 Mar 08
I don't think that slagging him off suggests you miss him it's more likely to mean he really messed things up for you and you haven't got over that yet. So really she should have said your still hung up on him, but not because you want him back because he really effected your life.
Maybe she was just trying to wind you up, either that or she really is just stupid, or mad lol.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
I'm personally going to go with, she is just that stupid until I am done being mad about it. lol
But I get what you're saying. He did really mess things up, but for that I am grateful. But that is a very long story that I will never tell because heaven forbid someone else think I'm still in love with him. lol
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
2 Mar 08
I know just what she is saying. It truly is a fine line between love and hate. I knew for sure that I was completely over my ex when nothing he said or did affected me emotionally in any way at all. I don't know as if i'd go as far as to say you "missed" him but if you are still harboring anger then there are still "feelings" even if not good ones. For me, much of my anger toward my ex was because he was such a lousy father to our girls. He mistook my anger for thinking I had some feelings for him. My feelings for him were very negative and certainly not that i "missed him". Quite the opposite.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
I could have accepted it if she said I still had feelings for him because that would have been partially accurate. I do harbor a whole long list of negative feelings for him and I would have been happy to detail them for her.
But she said I missed him. That just threw me for a loop.
If I truly missed him I would be the one going for the labotomy! lol
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
2 Mar 08
I have to say, I really like your answer of the kinds of feelings you still have for your ex. I went through that with my ex for many years (I call him nuckfuts). And for many years, I had myself convinced that I still had good feelings for him. Perhaps I did, because I believe that once we love someone, we never really stop loving them in some way.
However, the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. So perhaps your friend just had a terrible way of trying to convey that message to you? Perhaps not. Either way, it does sound like the best thing for you is to distance yourself from her until you are able to get over the shock of her, ummm, ignorance of the situation?
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
Let me ask you, if the opposite of love is indifference, what is the opposite of hate?
I don't hold onto the belief that once we love someone a part of us never really stops. I have loved 3 men in my entire life and two of them hurt me beyond belief. The pain they inflicted on me well did away with any good feelings I could have ever wanted to keep of them.
I decide when I don't hold any good feelings about a person in my past anymore a very simple way. If I ever stop a moment to think about the times we spent together and the first thing that comes to my mind is evil nasty thing they did to me after evil nasty thing they did to me and I have to go back years and years and try VERY hard to remember 1 single solitary good time we had together then that is when I know my heart has healed from the loss of the love that once occupied it and I use the hatred that has taken it's place to get me through times like these.
I'm not indifferent to anything or anyone. Everyone who has ever touched my life in any capacity to make a lasting impression is either someone I love or someone I hate, or someone not worthy of even remembering their existence. I don't consider that indifference though.
I'm going to avoid her calls for a while for her own safety because it is still shocking that she could even think this way for whatever reason after the history she knows I have had with this nuckfuts. I really love that word but I know I can only use it in print because even when I speak it to myself as I am typing it I replace the N and F. LOL
@SukiSmiles (1991)
• United States
1 Mar 08
Maybe she was being brave since she knew you couldn't inflect any bodily harm to her through the phone. When that has happened in the past my friends knew better than to say anything other than to be in complete agreement of what a jerk he was. Usually they were glad when I finally woke up and saw what was going on around me. I don't see how your friend can say that you miss him when all you were doing was letting her know what has happened since the last time you talked - which seems like it was quite some time ago.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Mar 08
Knowing this girl the way I do, she probably misses him more than me. They had a lot in common and she was able to see past many of his faults because that would give them a level they could connect on.
You're right about where her bravery came from though. She knows when I see her she is in for one heck of a charlie horse.
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
2 Mar 08
lol!!i guess your friend was just teasing you..its just her opinion and you know whats in your heart...nope i havent been told that i missed my ex...maybe i just dont have the time to talk about it..
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Sep 08
LOL...I can imagine the amount of restrain you had to use in this situation. I've been there a time or two myself. I would definately avoid any contact with this woman...it's too bad you can't send the ex to her...then she'd really know how you feel.
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~ [/b]
@AD11RGUY (1265)
• United States
1 Mar 08
I think your friend is right. Let me try to explain. Take every bad, evil feeling you have for him. Now instead of these feelings being about him, let's use them as feelings someone else that you hardly know, has about their ex. You've known both people very casually. You can see that she is not exaggerating about what he did or didn't do. Ok. Same exact feelings, same exact words and thoughts. But it doesn't really offend you personally that he is this way. You feel empathy for her but no real loss on your part. He's just yet another loser amongst so many you already have heard about. Now back to you. Same feelings but with so much upset. Why? Because it hurt you personally. But how could it? He's just another loser, right? Because it didn't start off that way. In the beginning, everything was beautiful and wonderful. So much so the two of you wed. But over time, things deteriorated. Eventually it lead to these ill feelings because the man you married was no longer. It is that "him" you miss. Otherwise, why on Earth would you be so upset about the fact that there is yet another "loser" on Earth? No news there, is there?
@AD11RGUY (1265)
• United States
3 Mar 08
Yes, that does put a whole 'nother spin on it. It seems more like resentment that he is still around via his influence on your 2 young ones. I can see why you're upset now. You finally eliminated the source of the problem but there are lingering effects still actively confounding your progress away from the miserable experience. It's got to be infuriating trying to undo the damage he has "installed" into their young psyches. Not suggesting you try another relationship, but I am suggesting that they be exposed to another male "role" model to try to influence them in a positive way. They learned from his examples and that's how they see "men" to be. Until they are shown a different way by another "man" that they can admire/trust/be influenced by as much as they did him, they may not see reason to change their opinion and acceptance of what they hold on to that they got from him. Look around and see if there is any kind of "good" male influence around. Maybe something like Big Brothers or an organization similar would be a place to start. I wish you much success in your plan to "right the wrongs".
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Mar 08
Ok I have to add this because you haven't been around since the beginning of my discussion where I ranted in detail about just how much this loser screwed up.
We were never married. He was always a jerk and one of those "bad boys" some women can't help but get attracted to. I've given up on the "I was just young and dumb" excuse I used to use for how I ended up with him in the first place , and now just explain it as a 3-6 year lapse in sanity.
I ended up pregnant and expected him to bolt faster than a flash of lightening but unfortunately that isn't what happened. And he was around long enough to influence 2 of my children in every negative way imaginable.
I stopped "loving him" LONG before I stopped putting up with him. I constantly made excuses about why I was letting him stick around and it took a WHOLE LOT of wrong to show me that having him in the lives of my children was the worst thing that could ever happen to them.
I am upset about the damage her did to my kids. Not about anything he ever did to me. I forgave some the most horrific b/s just so that he would be able to be a part of my kids lives.
I am so "passionate" when I speak of him these days NOT because I have any feelings of loss or remorse for our relationship that should have been over before it ever began but more so for the affects his presence had on my kids that I have to live with every day.
I hope I explained myself a little bit better in this reply to your comment then I did in my discussion.
1 person likes this
