Mid-life Reflections

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Originally composed and posted in a private journal by me: The big 3-0 is around the corner and I`m kind of glad we have no funds to spare after the surprise I pulled on hubby for his 3-0 *grins* I have had a small break this week (I actually had 10 minutes of unscheduled non-hectic time) where I was able to reflect slightly on changes that have occurred in my life, in my personality, in my circumstances, and in my relationships with people. Working backwards - starting with relationships, I came to realize at some point that what I grew up believing about relationships, romantic - familial - friendships - acquaintances was simply taught to me by example from my parts and how everyone thought it should be. Relationships are much more complicated and individualized than any sort of `box`could ever fit. Especially when logic and emotions disagree about aspects (which happens quite regularly for me). The basic relationship is between two individuals and when more are added group dynamics come into play. Leaving out mob mentality, the basis for the group dynamics however is 99% the foundation laid by the bonds between individuals. Since no two relationships are identical and relationships in and of themselves are not wrong or right, keeping that foundation level can often be a tricky ride. While I believe polyamory is fine and I am poly at heart, I have learned that there are more important things in life to me, such as my relationships with my family. I have learned problem solving at the reality level instead of just through books, theoreticals, and games. I`m the old married woman with kids but definitely not a soccer Mom. Not sure if I ever COULD fill that role should my kids need a soccer Mom-type figure in their lives. I have yet to be convinced that need will arise though. Cross-that bridge later. My personality....well, being pregnant I am experiencing mood swings that make a Disney world ride look tame. The good part about the changes in my personality though, is I realize now that it is okay to change my mind, have mood swings, reconsider options, and as long as I communicate effectively with hubby and child, they still love and accept me and more importantly I still love and accept me on the other side. I know who I am on the inside and the hurricanes of life do not truly touch that even when I am caught inside the funnel and feel there is no way out. Life changes themselves.... Despite knowing some of this disability stuff was coming, I never expected the full degree of what has occurred. I expected to not be able to walk without assistance by the time I was 30 but not to be unable to work entirely. I never had a timeline set on having a family so watching the development of my loved ones and the relationships with them has been a rather pleasant unsurprising journey. I had expected to have some sort of career at this point, definitely did not see the wide-spread impact of the internet nor national debt, and really had wanted to own a house (that we could live in) instead of still being in an apartment. These things are not really that big of a deal though when viewed with the self-discovery and joy I now take in my life. The financial situation does stress me some mostly because it threatens the joy of my family, but at least we have plans to deal with it as it currently sits and are flexible enough to compensate for unexpected changes. So, pregnant, disabled, waiting on a court settlement, and having most of my friends in distant reaches as I approach 30.... I`m still in love with life. What about you?