Just because it's family....?
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
March 5, 2008 11:02pm CST
When I was younger I thought that we always loved everyone in our family. I was young and naive of course LOL But also I had no reason or experience to think differently. I truly loved each member of my family. Sure some a bit more than others, but I loved them all.
Then again I also thought that once one married, we will suddenly just have a bigger family - to love and care for . Again no excuse for such thoughts, I'll keep offering being young and having a wonderful family as the best justification I can get:)
THen I got married and learned that things weren't always so.
I was prepared to love my new family as much as my older one, but I kept finding difficulties doing so, not so much because I couldn't love them but more that my love wasn't really accepted.
That's when I started getting the idea... maybe we don't love anyone just because they're family. Maybe - What a concept!!! - there were people from our family that we really weren't able to love or that didn't love us back.
Being stubborn I did try, of course.
But now that I"m older and wiser, I can see that because someone belongs to our family it doesn't mean that we love or even like them. And that's ok too. SOmeone that has a personality that doesn't work with ours.. if it was a friend we might not pursue the friendship, so why would we just because it's family?
Can we love our friends more than our family? WE can choose them, so they should be more compatible sometimes.
WHen my father died I received the new trough a phone call - no other way, we lived so far from each other. I was in shock for a bit, specially because it was so sudden, he hadn't been sick or anything.
I don't know why - I shouldn't have gone if I wasn't in shock - I went downstairs to my in laws apartment and told them. "Better him than me. " My mother in law offered. "We're all here to die" my father in law added.one got back to watch tv the other to read the newspaper and I went back up to our apartment.
I picked up the phone and called my friend Mira.
She is my best friend. She really is. But maybe not everyone understands our friendship our view us as best friends. YOu see, even though we actually live close to each other,it goes months sometimes that we don't even see each other. Sometimes we call and talk for a bit, sometimes we don't talk for a long time. But we know that each one thinks of the other often and when there's something in our minds we are always there.
Other times we visit each other almost every weekend.
She and her husband often spend a few months in Portugal each year, so we don't see each other during that time either.
I called her and told her what happened. Now I know that my brain was foggy and also the she doesn't live very far. But I could swear that I was still hanging up the phone when she rang the doorbell.
She sat down with me hugging me without a word.I think we stayed like that for quite some time.
Now why would I love my in laws more than this person that is not my family but that really cares?
Is it really required to love everyone in our family?
2 people like this
4 responses
@Sillychick (3275)
• United States
6 Mar 08
No, I don't believe it is a requirement to love people just because they are family. I think that in this case, they were not supportive, and in fact, they were very cold. To try to force yourself to love them would be setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt.
In my family, I have seen people hurt each other, and I also wondered how they could do that since family members are 'supposed' to love each other. I see it differently now. I wrote an article titled 'Is blook thicker than water' because I feel so strongly about it. It is on Helium. The link is in my profile if you are interested.
You are lucky to have a friend like that who is supportive when you need her. And I agree, you Chose, her, and probably at least in part because you knew she would be there for you.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
6 Mar 08
I think that my experiences with my own family - and it's a big one counting my birth family and my adoptive family - did not fully prepare me for the fact that not all families are the same LOL
Of course there was friction sometimes, but not the petty stuff , and there was a tendency to work things out and learn to compromise without getting into big fights. And even when a big fight would occur, there was little side taking or instigating, things felt logical and seem to be dealt with a certain maturity.
I don't even know what affected me more, if what was said that day, or the detached non supportive way it was taken.But I used that just as an example.
I still believe that we should have some consideration for people in our family, but I do believe we don't have to love them. Which is fine, I guess. I just needed to learn that and get used to it :)
1 person likes this
@Sillychick (3275)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I agree they should be given consideration, if not love. But if they have proven repeatedly that they are not loyal, not putting you first, not thinking of anyone but themselves, there comes a time when they no longer deserve unconditional love or consideration.
As you said, we didn't choose them, so why should we be required to like or love them, regardless of what they do? We wouldn't accept certain behaviors from friends, and we shouldn't have to accept them from family.
@dengke125 (12)
• Singapore
6 Mar 08
no matter whether the family stay togeter or not, love each member.
Because we are family, we are responsible for loving.
When being loved, we can feel that what is a family
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
6 Mar 08
Yes, in theory that's how it works. Life just thought me that in practice it's not always so.
Or that maybe the requirement of loving each person in our family is not practical at all times.
I think we tend to love the ones that love us back. Or the ones that seem to care for us the way we care for them.
WHen that doesn't work. WHen a member of our family treats us without respect or shows that we really don't matter for them, they still can be treated with respect but love can't be required.
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
6 Mar 08
i understand what you feel about it..but loving someone especially in-laws is not a requirement i guess its a must ..even though it was not reciprocated..not only them but those people we dont know..strangers..and of course our friends and family...i dont know why i tell you this..but im been also experiencing it also ..i mean when you love someone and yet they dont return the feelings...i guess some people are ..although they like you but they have some strange way of showing it...maybe on that situation both of them had conditioned your mind that theres nothing to worry about it since its what we are heading through anyway...but the way that was expressed not good enough...
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
6 Mar 08
I always thought it was a must as well. But as I matured I kind of started feeling that what I thought might have been wrong. WE can certainly make an effort to be pleasant respectful and polite with family. That's a different story. But then again we should make an effort to be pleasant respectful and polite with everyone LOL
WE can be more predisposed to love them because we've known them or know other family members who know them. Because we have at least one thing in common from ground one : we're family.
But loving it's a different thing.
1 person likes this
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Its not required,but in my family i will have with my daughter. i will teach her that even though you may not love your family. you never let them be hurt. family sticks together no matter..if you dont love tnhem thats fine just dont show it.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
6 Mar 08
I agree with that. But what then when people in your family consistently try to hurt you?
In any case I found an happy medium. I treat everyone with respect, I am polite and I am there for them if needed - in various degrees -. But I am now at peace with the fact that love certainly is not a requirement.
1 person likes this
