I am broken and I only have myself to blame!
By CoffeeAnyone
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
Canada
March 6, 2008 2:49pm CST
I am mad at the world but I am more upset with myself. I have closed off my heart and my life to almost every one in mylife except for my immediate family. Well no to be honest them to as I have not shared with them what I am going through for the past few years. No they don't know. They might think I am not the same out going mom, daughter wife and friend but they dont' know why. I have almost completely closed myself off from all outside friends and relatives. The only way they get to me is if they invite themselves to my home and I don't have the courage to say no you can't come. I do make excuses sometimes. I act normal as possible when they are here with a few held back changes. Yes I have done this to myself. I have a lot in my heart to say but I dont' feel I can say it. I know I have to change but I dont' know how at this point. Do I have to confront people or can I just confront myself and move on?
6 people like this
7 responses
@Darkwing (21583)
•
6 Mar 08
My goodness! I don't know what triggered all this off, but you've sure detached yourself from all the people who matter in your life. What exactly are you going through? There must be something pretty bad for you to get into this state.
First, you have to get in touch with your inner self, and then you need to rebalance, my friend, because I think you have gone out of balance at some stage in your recent years. Once you've done that, you need to find the courage to apologise to and explain to your family and friends, why you've been so stand-offish, and start afresh, if you can. You're the one who's really suffering here, and you need to get back on track... get things fixed and balanced again. Yes, in your words, you have to confront yourself... your inner self, and then, you have to patch up the damage that has been done with your family and friends. You don't have to tell them the entire reason... just that you lost your way for a while and didn't appreciate what you had.
Good luck with this, and Brightest Blessings.
@purelife131 (17)
• Canada
6 Mar 08
Wow i agree. You should explain your family your problem, whatever happened i surely doubt that it is bad enough for anybody to resent you... and i know people who have done some terrible things.
1 person likes this
@terilee79720 (3621)
• United States
7 Mar 08
Hi coffee.....
I can relate to how you must feel sometimes. I have to admit I've done the same thing at times. I used to think I had the beginning of that illness where you couldn't leave your house. I don't think it went that far, but I still can understand.
Sometimes, when the world and people disappoint us, it gets to the point that we (I) think 'what's the point'?
It's not like I think of any bad things or hurtful things. It's more like I just don't want to bother with people. I see them sometimes as completely ignorant, selfish, self-serving and well, just not worth spending much time with. When I feel like this, I don't want them coming to my house and feel violated when they do, because it seems they only want something. I feel like they are ungiving, uncaring, and shallow and (at that particular moment) I'm not ready to make nice or be friendly.
It's easy to close ourselves off like this. It's hard to understand why sometimes.
Most people will tell you (us) that these feelings are not natural...but I disagree. Sometimes, we just don't feel like playing anymore and want to be left alone to sulk.
Thank goodness, it's not a constant. Sometimes, we just get tired of it all. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do sometimes. Sometimes, we just can't help feeling this way, no matter how hard we try not to.
When I feel this way, I (in private) throw a little fit with myself and have my own private pity party. I get mad at the world and scream to the top of my lungs. I walk around my house spouting out my disappointments (to the air)and I get it all out. I used to get so mad I threw things, but I made sure they were things that wouldn't break..LOL
I scream at the cat, I yell out the front door at cars passing by and even scream at the stupidity on television. I get it out......that's my point. If need be, I cry - a lot.......but after that, and outside of my privacy....no one would know I'm so terribly mad - at everyone and everything, including myself.......
If that makes us nuts....then I'm the biggest nut of all.
for
'this too will pass'..........
Hang in there baby............
@Darkwing (21583)
•
8 Mar 08
Coffee, I'm sorry to keep jumping about all over your discussion, but on reading some of these responses of yours, I feel the need to ask you one, personal, yet important question. I've seen your age in your profile and couldn't help but wonder, are you in the menopause? That would explain quite a lot of these feelings. x
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
7 Mar 08
Terilee I think your exactly right you can relate to me very well. With one slight difference. Yes I can feel the pity party from time to time. The only thing is I don't scream and yell and get it all out. Not in private and not to anyone. It is all inside. At least that was until about two weeks ago. It was in the middle of the night and I just started crying. I tried talking to my husband a little bit. I started saying how I felt and the next thing I know I said to heck with it. In stead of wording things carefully and nicely I was going to say things just how I saw them and felt them. I even yelled out my anger towards God. I think God can take it but still I would normally not do that. My husband said a couple of times, 'you don't mean that your just upset'. "No, that is my point I do mean that; it isn't that I am upset this is how I really feel". I couldn't believe myself and I was in shock with myself as I spewed this all out. After I was done though I felt the air was cleared, I felt so much better and was able to go back to bed. I remember laying there thinking how can I feel good about this. I just spewed out my negative thoughts but there is no good that came out of it; how can I feel better? I thought that was strange. A few days ago I through a tantrum on my daughter and said how I felt about her life and nothing as changed but I feel better about that to . At least enough to carry on being supportive of her the best way I can again and not feel like I have nothing left to give and maybe even hope that life can get better for her to. So maybe I should try and do what you do and from time to time have it out with myself in private. I think I would feel silly doing it as I have been will trained to keep everything inside but I think it might help me. I kind of felt renewed after those two recent bouts of getting it out. Thanks for your encouraging note. I did make more comments up above if you wanted to read them. I could list so many things and go on and on with stories feeling the need to purge but like you said maybe I don't have to get it out with everyone maybe just with myself. All I know is I have really shut myself down and must stop this somehow. Thanks
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
10 Mar 08
Darkwing.. funny you should ask that because a few weeks ago I went out for dinner with a friend. Something I had to force myself to do. I said sorry I have not been available lately I am just not pleasant to be around lately. I seem to hate the world. She laughed and said you sound like me a few years ago when I was going through menopause. I said will I don't know what menopause as to do with my feelings about people. She said oh you be surprised how it can affect you. Then the subject got changed because I really didn't want to talk about how I felt about my life. Now you say this and maybe your right maybe I should look into this more and not just keep thinking how awful I am and that I want everyone out of my life. If so I wish this would change soon. Thanks
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8786)
• United Kingdom
8 Mar 08
It is ok to feel like that sometimes. A friend of mine "disappears" for long periods at a time because he can not cope with people at his lowest points of depression. He has what is called "duel personality disorder". Basically, it means that for the most part, he is his normal self but sometimes, usually triggered by change I think, he becomes as withdrawn as you are but he wouldn't have even come here and done what you have done. So that's a good thing for you because it means you have not withdrawn completely.
I don't think you have done this to yourself. You do not need to confront anybody but it might be helpful to other people if you explained how you feel, even if it is in the form of a letter. I hope they will understand. I am still waiting for my friend to come back to himself. I miss him but I care about him enough to understand that it is an illness. I'm sure your family will understand that too.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8786)
• United Kingdom
8 Mar 08
I just realised a mistake I made. I should have said "dual" not "duel" because "duel" doesn't make sense.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
10 Mar 08
Yes I met someone with this condition to a few years ago. It is really a harsh and sad situation. I wish it on no one and can't understand why human beings have to go through such things. Life is cruel enough at times. I wish your friend the best and pray he is getting all the help out there that is available. Saddens me to see people like this. Makes me feel bad to because I have a choice to not be in the dumps like this and other people really don't' it just happens to them. For that reason alone I should smarten up and live my best life.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
6 Mar 08
I'm not sure I can say much that Darkwing didn't cover.
I think that confronting yourself, investigating your reasons, and deciding how you can make yourself a more sharing person in the future is the first step. I personally prefer the help of a therapist for things like this, but if you can't or don't wish to get that sort of help, I have faith that you can do it on your own. It's just a matter of being honest with yourself and both accepting your past actions and finding healthier ways of interacting with your loved ones in the future.
Exactly how clean you come with your loved ones is up to you. It might be enough just to say that you've been struggling and apologize for not sharing with them or letting them help you, or you might feel you actually need to explain the entire situation with them. Just do whatever feels right to you once you've gotten yourself sorted out a bit personally.
Good luck to you. *hugs*
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
7 Mar 08
Talking to a therapist is probably the best thing as sometimes talking to people just gets them anoid because they think what your going through is just plain stupid and they tend to have no patience for it. Thanks lecanis I sense your sincerity. I wrote some comments above if you want to read them.
1 person likes this
@justabloke (526)
• United States
7 Mar 08
Someone close to me once told me that each morning they wake up, they are thanful that there is air to breathe and grass on the ground.
I have adopted this myself and it's a great way to start each day.
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
7 Mar 08
Yes that is who I want to be. A person who can be happy just to wake up and breathe in the gratefulness to be alive. That is exactly the kind of person I want to be! Maybe then I could take the pressure of myself and enjoy life.
1 person likes this
@justabloke (526)
• United States
11 Mar 08
A number of years ago, I had a job that would get me down. Back then there wasn't many "passwords" on computers, but, my company had started insisting on them. I chose my password to be very rude and offensive, but, everytime I typed it in, it made me laugh. Helped a lot in those days to start the morning off right.
@gunners1886 (73)
• Macedonia
7 Mar 08
you'll have to make a mix of confront first with yourself not everything is so black,find a thing that can make u happy and for the beggining stick to it.u need to be more hopefull to bellive that if u want something u can made it or fix it.take break a few days and one day when u will wake up spend all the day between people you will see the difference bellive me.write what will u do and is there gonna have any change.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
7 Mar 08
Yes I see what you mean. I have to count my pleasings and focus more on that. This is so true. I don't know why I am the way I am. I must be a very weak person or something. Because there is so much good. My husband for one. My grand children for another. It is all good but somehow I am lost, I exist only for others is that normal?
1 person likes this
@gunners1886 (73)
• Macedonia
8 Mar 08
before ven thinking about some help from a people who are qualified about that there is way to help yourself but you have to be patient.you probably have some friends that can give you some advise u should talk to them.Talking with people sometimes can really affect on the persons mood so u can start by telling them ur problems but you should foucused to find some good stuffs to tell them on that way you will be more happy and your friends will be happy for you.Each day you should do something good for the people around you and you will feel more happy because the people are gonna be more thankfull on you and that will woke your feelings.Try this out!
1 person likes this
@afternoontea (1005)
• Indonesia
11 Mar 08
Dear Coffee... I really understand how you feel. I ever have the same feelings and reaction as yours when I am confronting others and closed myself from the world, even from my close friend and my family. I dont really remember how did I get through it because it is such a long struggling for almost 2 years that I pretend to act normal.. I made lots of promise to myself and tried hard to be thankfull for what I have had. When I realize that I just forced my self deeper into frustation.. My friend suggest me to make a list of the first things to do before I wake up and before I get back to sleep. I wrote all that in Indonesian and I put it everywhere in my house just to remind me to be gratefull. I'll try to translate it for you:
1. Today I want to be thankfull for what I have, I have a loving family, I have air to breathe, I have house to live, etc..
2. Today I will forgive all the past that hurt me and all the people that makes me sad. I will mention their name on my prayer and will not hate them.
3. Today I want to enjoy myself and be happy, I will eat healthy food, do some exercise, and have a good sleep
4. Today I will smile a lot. I will greet my family and friend with smile and I will laugh alot too
5. Today I will do something good for other, I will be nice to people and maybe do one good thing that make one people happy
6. Today I wont be a sensitive person. If anybody say anything not nice or hurt me, I will forget it and will just think that they are not do it in purpose
That is my list. and help me a alot, even until today. And now after I cope with all that, things are just getting better.. And I will pray you will feel much better too..
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
11 Mar 08
Afternoontea - what a name...can it get any sweeter then that. I almost used tea in my name because tea really is my first love except maybe the pass few years I have been more devoted to coffee because I need it to get me motivated. But tea oh how I love my cup of tea especially in a quite moment in the middle of the afternoon and or evening. Earl Gray is my favorite! I have to say you touched me with your words and sincerity. I think by starting this discussion and reading everyones comments is really encouraging me to get out of this rut I have put myself in. What everyone is saying is the answer for sure. Sometimes answers we need in life aren't so complicated just simple truths and bring us a long way in life. I know all this but yet I have continued to just close myself off from everyone. This discussion does give me hope to move on. You words saying you pretended to act normal is exactly what I have tried to do. Yet at the same time quietly closing the door to people as well. Thank you so much for these tools you have give me. I see this must work for people as it seems others having been mentioning similar things like this to do. I know many many moons ago when I was young and very depressed this was the steps I did. I wrote it all out so I could see it for myself and it made a difference. So your words make me think I should do this again. Even though I don't feel depressed; just mad at the world or at least the people in my world including myself and see where it takes me. Thank you for your time and heart.
@afternoontea (1005)
• Indonesia
12 Mar 08
yes sure, a cup of tea can be calming and relaxing and that can help too when you feel down..
Have a wonderful day to you...
