I need to know what to do

Last week when she first told me about this, I did tell her how I feel and she said she cancelled the trip. She made her husband call and talk to me yesterday. More than the fact that she's not staying with me...it's the fact that she chose to stay with this 'friend' that bugs me. Personally, this person has done nothing to me...it's my sister who has had problems with her. I tried to call up my sister and talk...but she didn't want to. Her only reason for staying with this friend is that she wants to....my sister and I have never fought to the extent of her not wanting to stay here...and till this thing came up last week...we would talk to each other once in every two days.

lol..she's more scared of my husband's lecture than mine. And we disapprove of this friend because of the way she treated my sister. Her friends are hers to choose and I frankly wouldn't mind her staying at any other friend's place. I would have understood that she enjoys their company better...and I would have been able to convince my husband too (who wouldn't have understood why she wanted to stay at someone else's place while she has her sister here). But choosing this 'friend' (I can't go into details...but my sister was the one who couldn't stand her...because of all the trouble she got her into) over us...was something I really can't bear! I talked to our dad too...because I felt I might be overreacting...and he felt I was right to feel the way I did. And this 'smart' sister of mine knew she might get a lecture (which she did when she first brought it up)...and so, she got her husbasnd to talk to me....and I told him that I don't mind her visiting her friend....but I can't understand why she can't stay with us. I wasn't angry last week when I spoke to my sister about it....I was given the impression the trip was cancelled...and I left it at that...then yesterday she gets her husband to call me.

Well, this friend would use her as a scapegoat...and talk behind my sister's back...and once she almost got my sister arrested. I had a talk with my sister last week...and she has cancelled her trip..and I didn't think too much of it. Yesterday, her husband calls up and tells me what she intends to do....and I told him how I felt...and then tried to call my sister and talk ....but she didn't want to.

Thanks Katlady! This little scheming sister of mine...got her husband to talk to me...and of course, I couldn't tell him why I didn't like her staying at this friend's place...but I did tell him...that I didn't mind her visiting this friend...but I'd like her to stay with me. I had already spoken to my sister about how I felt last week...and the last I knew she had cancelled the trip....till her husband called me yesterday. After I spoke to her husband, I tried to call and talk to my sister...and she didn't want to talk.

We live in a spacious 3 bedroom apartment and this friend lives in a hostel room. I'm not sure if this friend has changed and seriously don't care...because she has caused enough trouble for my sister...and I wish my sister is smart enough to stay away from her. Her husband is not with her...because he got just one day off from work. He knows nothing about this friend besides what my sister has told him (and I have no clue what she has told him). Another fact that I missed to mention in my post is that it was her husband who spoke to me about it yesterday. I had already spoken to her about this last week and told her how I felt...and the last I knew she had cancelled the trip. I told her husband (when he called yesterday) that I didn't mind if she wanted to visit her friend for a few hours while she stayed with us...but I didn't approve of her staying at her friend's place all 5 days and just visiting us. I'm not sure if this friend is trying to make trouble, but she is cunning and uses people...and I doubt if she has changed....and like I said earlier, I don't care if she has.

It never really crossed my mind that people might think it's a guy. It isn't...it's a female friend. She doesn't want to talk...how can I clarify then?

Oh.. it's a female friend. Personally I will have less cause to worry. Girls prefer to talk to friends rather than guardians.

I know quite something about you Sandhya by your discussions and responses.You are a very mature,affectionate, fun loving but a no nonsense person.Your sister is in a phase where everything is clouded with her single mindedness.It takes time and experience for her to see things clearly.I bet that you will be the first person that she will come for help when it happens.Till then I think you know what you are doing.

lol..I've calmed down enough to treat her like a guest when she is coming here. I'm still having this discussion and she has landed in the city (my mother called me yesterday to tell me that). She is yet to call me....I'm sure she will land at my doorstep on her way back. Well, I'm just going to be civilized and NOT be rude to her when she comes...but that earlier rapport will not be something I can do. I just realized that she is someone else's wife first now and I should treat her as such.

lol....I thought it was immature of me...but that's exactly what I said (through her husband because she didn't want to talk to me). She wanted to visit when my husband wasn't home...how rude is that? (after all that he's done for her!...she was scared he'll give her a lecture...so what? does one run away from elders or parents to avoid a lecture?) After I heard that part and the part where my mother said that it's her husband who has the right to stop her and not me or my husband....I said (again very unlike me...and very immature)......if it's their right...then it's my right to choose who enters my home and who doesn't!

Deepak! It's not a guy....it's a girl...but not a very nice one....well, I don't know how to put it. But she's an unacceptable friend. And the point was more about her going straight to the friend's place and then visiting me...instead of the other way round. Apparently, that's the idea her husband gave to go straight to the friend's place without informing me and then just 'surprise' me by landing at my door....and then I wouldn't be able to do anything. She would have had her cake and eaten it too. Any amount of scolding would not have taken back the fact that she stayed at her friend's place and just visited me. I felt that was sneaky and scheming. I believe in saying straight out what one is going to do...even if the other does not like it. I would have grudgingly have to let her go to her friend's if she said that she WANTED to go and she was going....but sneaking behind my back to avoid a confrontation is not something I like.

She came here ...had an argument and left back to her friend's place. I called her up later that day...talked a bit...but she wasn't willing to hear my reasoning...and didn't visit us. She left straight from her friend's place after a couple of days...and called me up when she reached our hometown (her in-laws didn't know that she didn't stay at my place...and she had to show them she did and was returning from my place). As you know, I am a straight forward person and I don't like this kind of sneaking scheming charater (be it my kids or my sister or anyone else for that matter). I've let things be...but I know I will forgive and forget soon enough....lol..and my husband's going to be mad at me for helping her out again....but I can't help it. and no, I've not taken it in the wrong sense that you mistook the gender of the friend....I wasn't clear about that in my post (lol...actually it hadn't even crossed my mind that it could be mistaken).

SV, I am really sorry, I mistook your sister's friend as a man. Please do not take it otherwise. Yes, your point is appreciable and quite logical. As a sister, she should see you first, when she is in your city. Staying at a Friend's place looks odd, when she has the option to stay with you. To my mind also, sister i.e. YOU should come first to her, than her friend. Has she yet to come or she has already come? You can just guide her and make her understand....what is fair and logical...........if she does not pay any heed to your suggestions, then....let it be..... you would have heard - "Either change the circumstances or accept the circumstances".

Well, the friend was bad to her...and been a bad influence...she knows it and she moved away. We don't know when they got back as friends. Anyways, since my reaction was so unlike me...and based on another response, I introspected a bit...and wondered why I acted the way I did. I usually do support her decisions even though I don't like them..and they are not going to harm her in any way...why was this so different? Then, I realized that she had given me the impression that she was coming to help me (I've been going through a rough patch and could do with some help)....and THAT's why I was feeling so bad that she was just using that as an excuse (because her in-laws would never have let her come otherwise) to visit a friend (who we think isn't even worth it....my sister seems to have forgotten all the trouble this girl had got her into and we had to get her out of). Obviously, my sister doesn't want to learn from her mistake...and that's her life for her to choose to do as she wishes....I just hope she doesn't use me as a scapegoat again.

Well...I doubt if anyone's going to blame me except for trying to talk to her about the issue when I was told not to by my dad. I'm not sure if this is the truth but apparently her husband gave her the idea of going to her friend's place without informing me....so I wouldn't be mad at her (afterall, I'm family...and family is to be taken for granted, right?). She gets her cake and eats it too. I don't like that either....I'd rather she told me this is what I am going to do whether anyone likes it or not...and then go ahead and do it. I'll respect her a lot more for it..than scheming behind my back just because I am family and will forgive everything she does....or what I don't know won't hurt me.

that's how bad it is? your sister forgot about helping you and chose to stay with her friend? that's really annoying. well i think, if ever she would encounter the same problems she encountered before because of her friend, no one will ever blame you because you have done your part as a sister. she would be solely blamed for it since it was all her decision to stick with that friend of hers. i hope your sister knows what is she doing rather, realize it before she gets into another problem again.

I can understand what you are saying....and I can also understand friends being more important than family...it is just THIS friend that I disapprove of...and I've always been the one to support her decisions about her friends and make my parents understand her situation. The reason why I do not like this friend is because of the way she used my sister and got her into trouble....my sister should have learnt her lesson by now. Though I did tell my sister how I feel (last week when she first bought it up...and yesterday to her husband who called me up to talk about this). I doubt if I will be there for her if it all comes crashing down with THIS friend. Frankly, I'll be tempted to give her a lecture and an 'I told you so'. Not the most mature thing to do...but I can't help it.

I did all of that...but the worst part was that she got her husband to speak to me (she knew I would be mad)...and that made me even more mad...because I couldn't tell him anything about this 'friend'. This is what I did and I thought it wasn't very mature of me....because it's her life and for her to choose. I tried to talk to her again and she didn't want to listen.

Thank you...and you are right. I haven't taken it as an insult. And I'd like to clear that we don't like this friend....because of what my sister has told us(some of which were proved to be true through other sources). And my sister had moved away from this person (and we had no hand in that). We don't know when she got back to being friends again. Though it doesn't sound like that in the post, I usually don't poke my heads in her affairs....and sometimes even support her decision when the rest of the family doesn't understand. So, it's surprising that she doesn't even want to talk to me(I tried calling her...and she refused to talk...I left it that). Till a week back...she wanted to spend time with me...and in fact she kept insisting she wanted to come and help (since I've been having a rough time). I was the one who told her that she should spend the free time she had...with her husband (because they hardly get time together....living in a joint family with various needs). I don't know what happened in the meantime....because she got her husband to tell me that she's coming....and she didn't want to talk when I called. Now the latest I know, my mother calls to tell me that she's already here and she hasn't called me. I have been informed (by my mother) that she will visit me before she leaves. I have had lots of ups and downs in my life too. And yes, I agree that I would have backed off if a person kept criticising my every move.....but if a person genuinely cares about me....and isn't overbearing ALL the time...and criticizing my every move....then I tend to listen when they try to tell me something....and even if I don't at first....I think about what they have to say when I calm down. Well, obviously, she probably feels the way you have put it. As it is, though we used to talk every two days (till a week ago), we never tried to put our heads in the other's affairs. We would just be there and listen to the other. We (atleast I did) felt that all the other needed was a listening ear...and they would take care of their decisions...and wouldn't give advice till the other asked. lol...the NEXT time has already arrived...she has come for a visit and not bothered to call.

We did meet yesterday....when she just walked into my home without informing me....and told me she's staying and she will be shopping the whole day today. I didn't speak to her till I was calm enough to speak. And then I asked her why she hadn't been calling the past one week...and she says she's not answerable to me....and we argued on that. After being pointed out, I feel there's a lot of pent of frustration on the both of us due to past experiences and maybe that's why we were getting worked up at each other. WEll, the end result...she walked out of my house back to the friend's place....I hadn't asked her to leave...but I think that's the picture put across to my parents. I have no other choice than to wait and clear my end (my 7 year old was there...and he knows what happened and who said what) when I meet my parents. If she is going to act like a teen at 25, then I can't help it and I can't mother her all the time (not that I ever wanted to)....we were on fun trip MOST of the time. I guess it's time for an introspection on my part first and assess what's happening and what she thinks of me...and how I come across...which I hadn't really done earlier.

if there hasnt been any quarrel between the two of you until she just up and refused to speak to you a week ago.. id certainly wanna know whats going on as well lol having her husband or yer mother relay messages is rather rediculous, so when you see her ask her wtf is up. if she STILL refuses to speak to you, there really isnt much else you can do about it sadly. i hope it all works out for you =o)

You are so right about everything that you just said. But I'm not sure if it is jealousy on my part (atleast I don't think so). First, we will have to understand the Indian perspective where we have to respect some norms in society...where family comes first (does not mean there is no importance for friends). I really am not looking for appreciation from my sister...but I certainly do not want to be taken for granted. I'll give you a little more detail. Till a week ago, she would call me up every other day....just to talk...or when she needed some work related help. I was going through a rough phase myself (no help, a 7 year old with a fractured leg, a 16 month old toddler, a husband who is busy....and an interview lined up)and she said she would come and stay over the Easter weekend to help me out. Though I would have loved it, I told her it wasn't necessary and she should try and spend it with her husband (she hardly gets time with him because they live in a joint family and both of them work). Last week, she called me and said that she would be coming down, staying with this friend for two days (because we thought that my little one had chicken pox) and then would be with me for 2 days. I told her that the little one didn't have pox....so she could stay with me...and visit her friend when it was convenient. I should also mention that my kids dote on their aunt. In half an hour she calls up to say that her husband asked her not to go...so the trip is cancelled. I said fine (though I had my doubts that it wasn't the husband but she who didn't want to change her plans with the friend and didn't have an excuse). For a week I do not hear from her (you might ask why I didn't call....I was very busy because my son (with the fractured leg) was having his exams). Two days back her husband calls me on her way to the airport and tells me that she is coming. She will be staying at the friend's place and will visit me for a few hours (when she will apologize to me) and he will come here at a later date and apologize to me. I didn't understand what the apology was about....and I don't know my brother-in-law very well. Another thing is that my husband was home when my bro-in-law calls....and everytime my husband picks up the phone, my bro-in-law asks him to give the phone to me....and discusses this issue with me. In the middle of this conversation, my sister talks to me on the phone and says that she will be at her friend's place and will visit me the next day WHEN MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME....and when I ask her why that is so....she hands the phone to her husband. And then there was a lot of beating around the bush that I didn't understand. At last, I told him that if she wanted to visit me when my husband wasn't home, then she could stay at her friend's place without visiting me and I had no problems with that. I don't know what happened then....but in a little while my bro-in-law calls me back to say the trip is cancelled. I try to call my sister to talk to her....she says 'I suppose you are happy now'...and disconnects (well, she says now...that it got cut....and she wasn't able to call back). I hear nothing from them the next day(yesterday) either. And then, my mom calls in the afternoon to tell me that my sister had come that morning and she has gone to the friend's place. I have to say that it did make me mad...that no one called and talked to me about it. My mother made it sound like I was at fault in all of this(which she always does when it comes to my sister's affairs...so I let it be). Today, she walks in without informing me. I go about my stuff...and she spends time with my son. I'm not talking to her because I am upset. She tells me that she is staying here because our father asked her to. Then I tell her that it's not necessary and she can stay where she is comfortable. So, she prepares to leave and calls my parents to put the blame on me and that I don't want her to stay. And then after all the talking with my father who says he will clear this mess the next time we meet, she asks me if 'I' want her to stay and I said she can stay if she likes. She tells me she is going to be out shopping the whole day. I ask her with who she will be going and she says a cousin of ours. After I am done with my work, I go to her and asked her why she never called me and talked to me. She says she is not answerable to me. That got me and we argued...and then she left. I agree forgiving is the best thing.....but I've done it so many times in the past....and she's always been getting away with what she wants to do...that I couldn't help myself. I know I am going to get into a lot of mess with this one....because it's going to turn out that I asked her to get out of my house and I'm the totally bad one here (which I feel like already).

Oh, this is bad. It sounds like a case of a rebellious kid fighting for her own freedom away from her guardians. Could it your sis do not like you or your hubby for being too strict with her as guardians? If this is the case, in my opinion, go soft might be a better approach towards getting her to open to you.

I undertand the feeling about not wanting to be made the "bad guy" again. It sounds like there has been a mix up... She offers to come over to help, you tell her it is not needed as you could handle it. Then she said that she is coming over and you tell her that your son might have the Pox... She then may have made the plans with the friend and then you say she can come because there is no Pox...Then she says she will stay with the friend and visit. It seems like she was getting mixed signals from you because of a variety of conflicting feelings that you were having towards her from the beginning based on perhaps pride or the desire to not be needing anyone's help, the desire to protect her from the Pox, the desire to have her over conflicting with a desire to keep her away as there has long been conflict in your relationship with her ... given your words of she always gets away with things and that you are tired of that, your inner conflict with yourself would have been difficult for her to deal with as you are yourself not facing it often times because of the feeling of the need to save face, be responsible to your mother, etc. It maybe that she indeed did not want to add to your burden or that she perhaps does not want to deal with the craziness of family life on her vacation. Or it could be that your husband said something inappropriate or did something inappropriate for which she is still upset. It seems like her husband was perhaps upset about something too. Yet you do not have the information about it. It is clear that she is acting towards you like a parent figure and is seeming to want to assert her independence. This, at her age, is understandable and her comments about not wanting to answer to you go along with this. It is likely that your silent treatment of anyone will never help a situation and that any yelling you do will also fail to make a positive impact. You need to remain calm and deal with her in a kind manner. I know that this is difficult. I would suggest meeting her in a place that is neutral and just enjoying each other's company without holding feelings of responibility for her or the feeling of why does she always... which to me sounded like jealousy but may just be sibling rivalry and the pressures of being the child who got made to be a parent for her sister and who wishes she could get more of mom's kind words than the sister who has sometimes acted as a mess up.

Thank you sivazee! Well, my sister's husband did mention that he knew 95% of her past....but I have no clue which 95%. Another reason is that my brother-in-law is from a very conventional family ..and though I know he's liberal in his thinking, I personally don't know how much. If I talk about the concerns of this friend, I will have to bring up the trouble my sister got herself into...and that might not look very nice on her. They've started their life together and it is for my sister (I feel) to tell her husband. I truly believe her husband needs to know....but it has to be through my sister and not me. Like I said, as long as she does not want to talk....I cannot force her to. She probably is worried that my husband will give her a lecture...because he's the one who had to bail her out (quite a few times) when this 'friend' got her into trouble....and she knows he will not approve of her staying with THIS friend. She is unwelcome at my place because the sole reason for her visiting me (I feel) is so that she does not get into trouble with her in-laws (who think she is staying with me...it's only her husband who knows she is not). And I do not want to be a scapegoat to someone who is not willing to talk and let me know what's happening. She is already in the city (my mother called to tell me)...and has not called me yet (it's more than a day)...and the only reason she will be allowed to enter my home is because my father requested...and said he will handle the situation....and I respect my father too much to argue about this...though I did send him a mail telling him how I feel.

I do celebrate Easter...but Happy (belated) Easter to you. Hope you enjoyed it with your family. I'm sorry to say...that my sister did visit...but she left a few hours later after an argument. I tried talking to her about why she was distancing herself. I guess she was expecting the lecture from me and an argument and so she got into a defensive mode...and thought I was talking about the visit...and said she is isn't answerable to me. I had promised our dad that I wouldn't mention the trip and all that went into it....so I wasn't. But apparently, there was some miscommunication and she left....and went back to the friend's! I'm not very close to her husband...she's been married only 3 months...and I briefly met my brother-in-law during the wedding and other ceremonies...not enough to even scratch the surface of knowing him. But from what I saw, I wasn't very comfortable to get into my 'talk to everyone' mode. I usually try to understand people before I talk on their level or topics they are comfortable with...but I couldn't find that with my bro-in-law (maybe it's because we hardly got any time to spend together....as a family or otherwise). I haven't talked to him since the day he called up to inform my sister is coming. He didn't call to tell me that she's coming the next day...or after. SHE called me up when she reached back home (surprising, because she didn't leave from my place). I acknowledged it and didn't talk after that. My parents are not coming to solve this issue...they will solve it when they come...by then it would be old and stale...lol....and anyways, I wonder if it would help...because 1. They think I was the one who bought up the topic and created a problem. 2. My dad and mom have totally different viewpoints of the right and wrong in this situation. Thank you for your kind words...but my maturity seems to have gone for a toss:P

Hi again SViswan and a happy Easter to you if you celebrate it. :) Thanks for your response. How are things going? I know your sister stopped by and then left for a day of shopping. Have you spoken to her since? Are your parents coming from another continent because they feel this issue needs to be settled or was this a previously planned trip? It seems that a key issue in this matter is that your sister feels that you are holding her accountable for her actions when that does not seem to be the case. Perhaps you need to tell her that it was disappointing to you when you realized that she was going to have a fun time instead of helping you out. It's important that she understands that you want to have an adult to adult relationship with her and the guardianship is in the past. I would try to communicate this to her in different ways until she gets it. I don't know how much you and her husband are able to discuss things, but if he was the one who came up with the idea of withholding information from you, it may be necessary to to clear things up with him as well. For some reason, they seem to think you are trying to have some authority over them, which is not the case. What's done is done, and I admire your attitude towards the sitution which you showed by stating that you can let it be. Those are beautiful words. My hopes are that you can lessen the chance of a sitution like this coming up again by honest sharing of the feelings you have as the opportunities to do so arise. I have high hopes that you will be able to work this out. Your honesty and thoughtfulness in your posts here show that you have a mature handle on the situation. Again, I wish you all the best.

besides the cultural aspect, we have been close...well...as close as the age gap can get us...but I usually am the first person to know about the things in her life....whether I approve or not. And it's not a male....after being married(to someone of her choosing)...irrespective of her age...if I found her staying with another male friend, I would have dragged her out of there...and given her a piece of my mind. I'm not very conventional and can understand certain scenarios that Indian society might frown on...but this would be the limit. I have stayed at a male cousin's place when his wife wasn't there....and the whole family knew about it. Another thing I didn't mention in the post is that she wanted to visit me when my husband wasn't home(and I felt that was very rude...when he's always been like a father to her...not our father...but the kind of father he is)...and she got her husband to talk to me...and she didn't want to talk when I called back. Maybe she's scared I'll give her a lecture if I spoke to her....but we've had worse scenarios earlier. This friend was someone she didn't like herself and we were glad when they weren't friend anymore (though we didn't have a hand in that)....I don't know when they became friends again. And see how this friend is already affecting her...seems like my sister's mind has gone for a toss. Anyways, now that I am calmer than when I started the discussion, I realize that my sister's an adult and can choose what she wants to do. PS: I know that your response caters to a totally Indian society. But we aren't exactly very conventional...I've got a bit of a balance somewhere...sometimes tipping a little more to the Indian and sometimes the other way...but my sister is married to a very conventional family...and I guess it's time she learnt to respect that too...being modern and liberal does not mean totally forgoing our culture..especially the good parts of it.

lol..thanks Mimpi...but I've decided to drop the whole thing (for my dad's sake). If I let her be childish....I'll just let her take me for granted all her life....it will just continue. She knows how I feel and that's why she doesn't want to talk. She is apparently here in the city already (my mother called to tell me that) and she hasn't called once! I'm sure she plans to drop in on her way back. I'm going to be civil and cordial...just like I would be to a guest...and let it go. I've got too much on my hands without having to mother her too.

Now, I got to the core of it. It would be indeed very rude to visit your place in absence of your husband. I cannot understand how can she be so childish! We have to do so many things against our wish just to make others feel happy and belonged. What is there not to understand! It's the basics. I think it's all in the age and she would grow mature with more age. I do not mind having her friendship with someone I do not like but she's making things complex by not talking and doing simple things that matter. I think, you should really talk it out and settle it. She might have her issues and priorities but she must understand that you have yours as well. I know how difficult sisters could be and of course how sweet they can become when things get sorted out. They are lovable, ain't they? So just sort it out. You have to do it and do it now.

I understand what you say...but please read the above response. And of course, no one has all the details to the situations. It's the first time I've been so upset with my sister....that's all. I've kind of calmed down a bit now...and actually agree with what you have to say.

i don't know i bet we have posted to alot of the same post before. we seen to have the same opinion

great minds think alike maybe.... going to check your website later on, and added you as a friend. I wonder how often we are posting the same thing.

lol...I realized I missed an important point...the friend is not a 'he'! In an Indian setup, it would be totally taboo if it was a 'he' she was staying with after marriage (for whatever reason)....though it's not like we've never done it....but it never crossed my mind that people might think otherwise...and that's why the discussion. Sorry. She was to stay at my place....especially since I was having a rough time lately and could do with a little help (which was the main reason why she planned this whole trip). She is not here for business. In fact, the friend stays very far from the airport (from what she told me)...and I am closer to the airport...and she chose to go to the friend's place when she got here at 10PM. That should say something about where she wanted to go. Apparently (now I do not know if it is true), her husband asked her to go to the friend's place first....and not call me up so that there was no necessity to argue....and once she was done with her friend's...she could drop in to my place (when she thought fit)...and I wouldn't be able to do anything....and being her family I was bound to forgive her if she apologized. Now, I don't really know if this is the truth....this is what she told me AFTER she left my place and didn't tell me when I asked when she was at my place. I don't my bro-in-law well enough to talk to him about why he didn't think it was appropriate to call me and inform me that she was in town...and to just land at my place....a 'surprise' wouldn't be a good idea in the situation I was in (I can see you have read the above post...so you know what I am talking about)....AND she landed up at lunchtime....and I didn't even have any food and in no position to go out and get some. Well, I tried to talk...and she didn't want to open up...she said she's not answerable to me...when I asked her why she hadn't called me the whole of last week to let me know of her plans. She just told me that she needed to go shopping the whole day today....remember, she was here to help me...and I have some work in the morning...and I was just working out where I could leave the kids till I got back...and SHE needs to go shopping. Well, if she was on a pleasure trip, she should have told me so...and I would have worked my things around that. But she didn't think it necessary to let me know.

Sounds like you had quite a time together... Sounds even more as if there is a parent child thing going on with plenty of guilt thrown in and plenty of control issues.... Arriving without calling sounds like a kid thing to do... and by the way, here in the States, 25 is often still rather young... I say this as a 47-year-old who was still living at bome with my mother and just finishing up a Masters program at that age. I remember how immature I was then. Once she arrived at a bad time, she then was feeling uneasy and wanted to leave to go shopping as an excuse, think of it as escape route, if things get too difficult and it gets too uncomfortable, I can flee to the nearest shopping center to calm down and say it is my plan. You did not make her feel all that welcome by the questioning, etc., paternal guilt provoking, mom behavior at the finest... And she went into the, rebel teen... Oh my... classic and sounds painful for both of you. It is though something that you can remedy at least you are aware now of the pattern... Wondering now if you are residing now in the same home that you were residing in when she was living with you... If so, that could trigger a greater regression to her younger and more rebel self... If parents were around at all, that would greatly amplify that regression. It might not be under full consciou control... sometimes this regression happens and the person it is happening to does not know that they are morphing into a teenager... It is though unwise to tell her that she is acting like a teen because that would further cement her into the child role ... It though does help you relate to her better... avoid going into the parent role, arrange some meetings in the future at places other than your home, and do what you can to make her feel like your equal rather than the child... It sounds like the relationship can get stronger... It will though take a bit of patience. You feel like the wronged party, and the long suffering one... You have been that and it is also true that your sister and you are family and can become best friends. I am best friends with my older sisters but this was not always the case. I know that you can be best friends with your sister too.

Thank you! I've decided to let things be.

I'm so sorry I didn't mention it...but I never thought it would arise. If it was a male there would be no discussion....I would have dragged her out and questioned her even if she didn't want to talk. It's a female...and even then there's hardly anything I can do.

That changes it all then. Obviously, your sister is a generous person and struggling to get out from under the thumb of another who is self centred and possibly abusive. I've been there too. Took 7 years to see what others could see, and been free for 11 now. Your sister needs to learn that some people are just not worth the effort and are best left to fend for themselves.

I know this wasn't there in my post...and you couldn't have known. But if she wanted nothing from her blood relations, she should have stayed that way....not call me up every two days to talk to me...and ask me for her job-related work...and tell me how worried she is that I have to cope with a rough time...and wish she could be here to help (and when she gets the chance...I have no clue what made her want to NOT help me). I understand what you are saying...if we were mean to her...or if she was a very independant person who didn't want us around. But she did...and she's taken full advantage of it. We, as a family have rallied around her and supported her....all through her mistakes...and NEVER brought it up to get back at her...or to hurt her. lol...as I'm typing this, she walks in as if nothing happened! and you are right, it is none of my mistake!

wow, we wrote almost the same thing!!!