Should she get out of the relationship?
By dolce_vita78
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
Philippines
March 28, 2008 12:01am CST
My friend found out that guy she is in a serious relationship with for almost seven years now have had children in his previous relationship. I talked to the guy and asked him why he hadn't mentioned this to my friend seven years ago or at least within that seven-year period. He said that he always wanted to but couldn't find the courage to do so. He told me that he loved her so much that he did not want to lose her. He also told me that he thought it did not matter because the children were adopted by his parents long time ago and that he intended to really tell my friend about it. The mother of the kids left them around eight years ago. The guy tried to file annulment for their marriage years back but the woman doesn't want to cooperate. Now, the woman is nowhere to be found. I tried talking to my friend about their situation and she said that she loved the guy so much and is willing to accept his past. She told me that she will wait for the guy to work on the previous marriage so he could be free. I can't blame her, I know how much she loves the guy and I also know how much the guy loves her. If you were to give my friend a piece of your mind... please do so...
2 people like this
15 responses
@jeanniemay (1798)
• Philippines
30 Mar 08
Ohh, sorry to hear about your friend and thank you for the trust you give everyone else.
Their are laws binding the previous marriage of that guy and I feel that it is equally fair and important for your friend to take consideration of it. Love works in many ways but it should not be against what the law of man has set.
Yes, we do understand that your friend love that guy. Love should always be coupled with being responsible, trustworthy, and coupled with respect.
If values needing it is somehow missed, how will you say it's love? I just hope the best thing and most responsible decision will abide in both of them.
I am not saying your friend needs to leave that guy, they are the ones in the situation right now and she knows what is most proper to do. Love maybe letting go but who knows, love may find it's way, maybe not today but soon.
Here's one of the emails I got from a friend, it's not about relationships but it's about love in a child's perspective.
If you may want to check it out: http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1454744.aspx
Prayers and smiles! 
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
31 Mar 08
I believe they are aware of what is going on. I mean legally-wise. I have asked a friend of mine who is a lawyer and she told me that there is a strong basis for annulment in this case considering that the wife has abandoned them (husband and children) for that number of years. They are to see a family lawyer very soon. By then, they will know what could possibly happen. Anyway, thank you for your support and thank you also for sharing the discussion.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
29 Mar 08
I don't condone lying at all. To me it is one of the worst things for a relationship. I don think he should have told her long before 7 years past but I'm sure the more time that went on the harder it was to bring something like that up. If that is all that he lied to her about then I can see that they maybe could work past this and maybe be even closer.
1 person likes this
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
30 Mar 08
It must have been really hard for him to have kept such secret for all those seven years. Things I believe, are more complicated for both of them. I hope that being able to open up would somehow help them realize how much they really love each other. Thanks for your words...
@roniroxas (10560)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
i am married.... and as you know that i have four children in that marriage. i dont know where is my (ex)husband so if ever i would have a new relationship i know that i will also a hard time filling some documents. but i dont lie about it. i dont hide the truth that i have children. if someone will like me then it is a package deal. as for yur friend now that she knows the truth and she is willing to go on with the relationship then it is okay. i just hope the guy will work on the previous marriage so he could be free. this is a complicated situation. specially now that he dont know where the girl is. i hope the best for your friends.
1 person likes this
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
I am glad to hear from you my friend... I also do hope that the guy would do something about the previous marriage. It is indeed a very complicated situation. Just a couple of minutes ago, the guy told me that he will be gone for a couple of days to look for the girl (I hope he will find her) so they could start working on the "papers". Thank you very much dear roniroxas!
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
28 Mar 08
I suppose some people will do anything for love even if it means hiding the fact that they have children. I don't understand why he had to but if that is his reason then that is his reason. We may not understand it either but since they both love each other then that is all that matters. Does he still keep in contact with his children? I hope he does and that he eventually introduces them to his current girlfriend.
1 person likes this
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Yeah, there are things that we really can't explain. Only the heart knows... The children are being taken care of by his parents. In fact, the parents wanted to adopt the children just so their son could move on. I do hope for all the best. Thank you my dear friend!
@aseretdd (13730)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
If the children from the previous marriage or even the previous marriage is no longer an issue because of their love for each other... then i don't think there is any reason for them to break-up... the guy can always have his marriage nullified on the grounds of abandonment...
Love knows no boundaries... so if you friend really loves this person then she is will to accept any excess baggage that he has...
1 person likes this
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
I sure hope that they will be able to get through this... You are right, my friend must accept the excess baggage the guy has if she loves him truly. Thank you my friend!
@Antithesis (110)
• United States
28 Mar 08
Seven years is a long time to hide that you have children. You say your friend found out, that he didn't actually tell her? Well, in my opinion, that makes it worse. He was obviously planning on hiding that secret for many more years, and like some one previously stated, it would make me wonder what else he had no problem about hiding. Kids are a big issue, not necessarily a deal breaker, but something to be discussed. It was very wrong of that guy to keep that from her for seven years. I can understand being scared, but if you love someone, you should care enough to tell them the truth. If I was your friend I might not get rid of him right away, but I'd definately be very wary.
1 person likes this
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
30 Mar 08
From what I know, he actually told her about it. I agree that the issue regarding the kids must be discussed by them especially that the kids live with the guy. This must be considered because if ever they decide to get married later on (assuming that the previous marriage gets nullified), they will have to deal with it anyway. Thanks to you!
@subha12 (18441)
• India
28 Mar 08
I think when she is Ok with it, why you are having the problem?
May be they love each other so much that they just do not want to hear to anybody. Moreover they are not ready to accept anything practical. hope she is matured enough to take decision.
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
I do not really have a problem with it. I mean, I am happy that she is willing to give their relationship a chance. I just wanted to know what others think about it so that if ever they would need advice, then I could just let them read all your advice. Thank you
@sassysammy81 (369)
• United States
28 Mar 08
well it was wrong for him to keep a secret.As long as they think they believe that they love each enough to get through it.I myself would not be so understanding I don't like people who with hold imformation from me,which I call lying.It usually causes tention in the relationship and the doubt of if they have anything else to hide.If he loved her so much he would have told her from the get go,because the longer you wait the harder it is to tell someone what you have been hold back on telling them.
1 person likes this
@lolalolacherrycola (899)
• United States
28 Mar 08
I would give him the benefit of the doubt if she has been with him for seven years and he is an upfront guy in all other areas. He is most likely being truthful that he thought she would think less of him or possibly end the relationship if he was forthcoming with the information.
I would however advise her to set a time limit on him getting a divorce or dissolving the marriage. Seeing as she abandoned him and the kids so long ago, it would be a simple process and not that expensive.
Good Luck to you and your friend.
@dolce_vita78 (8062)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
I understand what you mean. With the number of years that I have known the both of them, I have seen how much they have cared for each other and how open they have been to each other (of course, except in "that" area...). With regards to the time limit or let us say, deadline, I believe that they have discussed about that. I just hope and pray that they could get through this ordeal. Thank you very much my friend!
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
28 Mar 08
What i dont understand is if your friend and her man's relationship is so serious, why would he feel that he could'nt tell her about his children? But who knows why people do the things they do.You said they loved each other so there is a good chance they'll work this one out. I think it's a serious thing to be in a long term relationship and not know something as important as if your spouse has kids. I wonder what else he has'nt told her...hmm But thats just me sometimes i can be just a tad bit suspious.
@TShaheed (80)
• United States
28 Mar 08
I hate to be negitive but I would definitly leave him. Being a parent is a big deal and is something that one shouldn't keep secret. It is alright that he is a father but it is NOT okay to withhold this information from someone that you have a serious relationship with. If this guy didn't have the "courage" to tell his partner about his children for seven years I wounder what else he hasn't told her because he doesn't have the courage...
1 person likes this
@JHEZ924 (119)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Seven years is not easy to let go. So if I were in her situation, I might do the same especially if I am very sure of my feelings for the guy. I will go for where my heart is coz I know somehow it will makes me happy. Nobody knows how long happiness stays in an individual so why don't take the chance while its there. I believe that nothing goes wrong with the two of them as long as there is love in their hearts and a good communication between them.
@butsikik (21)
• Philippines
28 Mar 08
Sad to say that within seven years of their relationship he didn't have the courage to tell her that he has children. He must have told her that he was once married and his wife left him. That should have been an opportuned time for him to tell your friend that he has children. Did he tell your friend he was married before? It brings up so many questions and this could be a time of mistrust with him. But love has its funny ways. They both love each other so just maybe, the relationship will be built more on trust also. They lasted 7 years with a lie they could last more than 7 years with the truth. Having doubts in a relationship aren't easy to handle. As long as the love for one another is strong, doubts may come and go as long as their is a trustful communications. She has to be honest with herself and she has to look beyond just love. For there is faith, trust and hope in any relationship for there is love.
1 person likes this
@lilylove9 (42)
• China
28 Mar 08
If I were your friend i will leave him,as I don't think he is honest,if he really love your friend so much he should tell her what situation he was in and let your friend to choose,choose if she had the ability to bear the truth and whether or not should she fall in love with him instead of feeling so sad now.What's more I think if a man can't sovle his own things and make his lover so sad then he won't be a quarlified husband.
@sanell (2112)
• United States
28 Mar 08
it is sad that he was so scared of losing her just because he has kids. Also the fact that his kids are not even his anymore if he gave up his parental rights to them (him or her). I have friends who have had children in previous relationships, maybe it never came up right away but later it always had, they are now married and have their own kids together. yes she gave up her child for adoption, it was an open adoption and that child is having issues now because she is almost 16 and she has a half brother who is 8 months old and apparently not one she wants to acknowledge at this point. She is angry that she was not kept by her mom even though she has a great life right now. It is hard, but I would not leave the guy...I would try to help him get rid of the wife though!
