Have you forgiven your mother?

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Childhood about 6 you hear your mothers screams your outside sitting up against the the house crying wondering if she's ok praying your dad will stop hurting her. Every day you see your mommy you give her a hug and tell her you love. Your eating dinner with you mom dad two sisters and brother it is deathly quiet all you hear is your dad smacking. I asked if I could have a nother (some kind of filled hot pocket) there was only one left my dad said to get it. When dinner was over and I went to the kitchen to be with my mom, SLAP right on my face, "that was all I made" she told me, I just cried. A year and a half my mom left. I came home from school, I was in the 3rd grade. She was gone! Every day I cried. As I am now remembering. I wanted so much for her to be proud of me, I would wash the dishes with the curtens open hoping she was watching me. Day after day for a year, I remember sitting on my bike on the front porch my dad said don't worry she will be back, He new my thoughts. Other times he told us if we see her to spit in her eye. One day my older sister who was about 12 then and who took care of the home and cooked for everyone, was on the phone with my mom, I was soooooo excited and nervous didn't know what to do with my self (I didn't know she had phone different times through the year and talked to my sis, which made me mad after all that time worring) She was telling my mom what my dad had been doing to us except my 4 year old sister. And my mom didn't beleave us she thought we were saying it to go with her. Well she came to La. from Tx. and took us to live with her in late 1976 in a one bedroom trailer in Bridge city, Tx. With her new baby and new man. Time went by I was about 11 and she was pregnant again with baby number 3 I think from my stepfather and he was at work all us kids were home my mom was sleeping so I decited to help her out and make the house look good so when me stepfather comes home from work he could be happy with my mom. Well she wakes up and I'm happy to see her and want her to be proud of me, so I tell her i'm cleaning the house so Munchy (his nick name) can me happy. SLAP again. What am I doing wrong I continue to ask my self. Many days I would be in my room looking out to God asking, begging, him please never let my mom die. When I was about 13 my mom woke up and I heard the foot steps coming out of her room and I was brushing my hair like girls my age loves to do. she seen me moving away from the mirrow and nocked me to the floor and was jumping on my body on the floor saying that I wanted her husband. Well I went to live with my dad again and his wife. (know nothing would happen again and it didn't).Well I have forgiven my mom to this day I would do anything for her. She is ill now very weak and hard for her to walk lives in a shack like house with my stepfather (Who all those years took care of us 4 children from my dads side) He loves my mom even tho she has her problems. She had 6 children with him. I love my mom very much, yes I have my own sad days and wonder why I'm here or when I was yonger I would cry to God why can you let me suffer so much. when will it stop. Well I can say I hope I am doing a good job raising my children. I hope they have no reason to forgive me.