How Do You Deal With Disciplining A Stepchild...?
By biwasaki
@biwasaki (1745)
United States
March 31, 2008 2:13am CST
I am the mother to 3 of my own children, and 3 children from my husband's previous marriage. He thinks I am too harsh on the stepchildren and I think he is too lenient. They are 15, 13, and 11. They do not live with us, but do come over to visit once in a while.
He has told me that he doesn't like it when I scold them, but when they misbehave he sits there and says nothing. It is to the point where I dread having them come over because their bad behavior rubs off on their younger siblings, who are 5, 3, and 1.
How do you deal with disciplining your stepchildren? Do you leave it to your spouse? Or do you both participate in the discipline process?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I have one stepson that is in his 20's and I never see him. I would treat the stepchildren no differently then you treat your own. If your own misbehave and you scold them, then the stepchildren should be given the same reaction. I don't know if talking to your husband would help but if not then I'd just keep you and your kids away from his kids until he can realize the influence they have with the younger kids. Take them out on a visit when the stepkids are over, take them out to the park...let your husband handle the stepkids on his own and maybe he will realize what you are talking about.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@biwasaki (1745)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I've tried that, but he doesn't get it. Also, my kids are old enough that they ask to see their sisters and brother. It would be cruel of me to keep them away for their visit.
Right now, the 2 older girls don't even come over because they know that I am mad at them. My oldest daughter (she's 5) slept over at their house with their aunt supervising. When I called to check in the next day the oldest girl (15) said that her younger sister (13) had gone to the beach with their aunt and my daughter. We went to the beach and saw our daughter, but didn't see the 13-year-old, so we assumed she was there but had gone swimming or was elsewhere on the beach. My daughter later told me that the 13-year-old wasn't even at the beach with them.
I made my husband talk to the girls about this incident and they weren't even apologetic about it. Its been a few months since it has happened and they haven't called to apologize for lying yet. Maybe I am overreacting, but this is typical of the kind of stuff that they pull and don't get disciplined for.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Well, I hope you get it worked out. I still probably wouldn't let the children, especially the 5 year old, around them while they are behaving like this simply b/c she may pick up their behaviors...such as lying to adults in the case you mentioned.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I don't have any step children. When my brother was married to his 2nd wife, she basically stepped up and said as long as my niece and nephew was in her home, they had to listen and obey by her rules. My brother didn't like that she was making them behave at first, but he got over it quick.
You can sit your husband down and tell him this is my home as well as yours, and as long as his kids are in it, they have to obey your rules. If he didn't like how you were taking care of your home, then he needs to get up and make them behave because your not going to tolerate how their behavior is rubbing off of the smaller three.
Me and my husband both participate in the discipline process. Sometimes he's more lenient and sometimes I am, I guess it goes both ways sometimes depending on the situation.
1 person likes this
@biwasaki (1745)
• United States
1 Apr 08
I think its important that both parents participate in the discipline process. However, even with our 3 little ones he lets things go and I'm the one that has to correct it. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation because he doesn't discipline them, yet he argues with me about the way I handle disciplining them.
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Oh I know how it is when you say something and your spouse says something different. My husband does that a lot on certain things. He's quick to give in.
At least with your husband is lenient with all three of his kids and doesn't seperate them. Mine tends to be more lenient on our youngest.
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@KissThis (3003)
• United States
1 Apr 08
Wow, your in a tough situation. My step children are ages 21 and 18. The 18 year old still comes over every other weekend to spend time with his father. I don't reprimand him because of us age and I believe that he should know better. However when my husband reprimands one of my children who are ages 6,7, and 9 I point out to him that they had just seen his 18 year old do it that past weekend. I always ask why he treats the children different. Now, my husband points out to his son that he is teaching the children bad habits.
I am going to suggest that each time your step-children do something that is against your house rules that you make a point to take your husband to the side to ask him if he would like for the younger children to behave in the same manner.
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@aerbourne (41)
• Canada
10 Dec 09
I have 2 stepkids and no natural kids. My stepkids have been seeing a psychologist since the divorce 6 years ago to help with the "traumatization" (eye roll). Anyways, the psychologist told me that I should be an adult friend to the kids and let my husband deal with discipline. HAHAHA...gasping for breathe...another eye roll. If the discipline was left to my husband they would be flinging poop at one another in the back yard. These kids don't need an adult friend, they need a parent. Especially seeing as their actual parents seem to spend a lot of time trying to out do one another. Step parenting sucks sometimes. You have all the same responsibilities as a bio parent without any of the control. ARGHH!!!!
(eye roll)
My 2 cents.
