How do you deal with someone who is a bad listener?
By Ajaxus
@Ajaxus (33)
United States
April 8, 2008 10:51am CST
I was raised to always be respectful and listen to others, but right now I find myself at a crossroads. One of my current roommates (who I never supported moving in) has taken it upon himself to make my life a living hell.
He finds the little things it takes to tick me off and he does them, he has no respect for me and is unwilling to have an open discussion about his actions.
A typical discussion with him lasts about 2-3 minutes tops before he switches to cussing and yelling at me for no apparent reason. The violent aggressive attitude in him worries me, I know I can defend myself if need be but I do not wish to fight someone who is an acquaintance and could potentially (if we can figure this all out) be a friend.
Any thoughts on how to deal with someone of this nature? Or anyone have similar experiences that they have learned from?
It should be noted that he is 21 and I am 22..we are both adults and should know better than to bicker over childish things..yet it continues.
1 person likes this
10 responses
@monishavakil (1019)
• India
8 Apr 08
to start with, why do you expect him to be a good listener. i dont think you should give him the right to make your life a living hell. that should only be the case if he means something to you.
yes i have gone through a similar experience with someone extremely dear to me. whenever he wishes to talk i am all ears. i listen to his problems give him suggestions as well as talk to him at lenghth when he needs to discuss something. it is sad but whenever i would like to discuss something and he wishes not to he starts yelling and screaming and does use foul language. i dont know what to do then. i just feel so help less as i love to talk i love to discuss issues. as everything can be solved by talking in life. there is no situation that cannot be solved with good clean conversation.
@Ajaxus (33)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Some good advice in there, thank you.
"there is no situation that cannot be solved with good clean conversation."
I agree wholeheartedly with this statement, however I can not find a way to start a real discussion with him to solve this particular situation. The only outlet I've had so far was sending him an email this weekend expressing my issues with him. It was my feeling that with an email he can not interrupt me and has to hear me through. The problem is, I don't expect any response from him in return. And a one side conversation can not solve this, I need to find a way to bring him full circle and get him to respond in a positive mannner.
@wittyakanksha (436)
• India
8 Apr 08
I think it's the case everywhere.the same story here too.what couples don't understand that in order to make a relationship work as a fulfilling one you need to listen to the other one!know what they feel and be sensitive about it.but all we do is to keep saying what we feel is right .i lose my temper all the time when my guy doesn't listen to me,i have to shut him up to listen to me carefully.i guess if he's around the best way to shut him is to seal him with a kiss.that works with me while he's around and on phone well just manage!!
1 person likes this
@Ajaxus (33)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Unfortunately, and thankfully, I don't have that as an option. We're both guys and college roommates.
He thinks the end all for problems is violence, I think it is discussion..and that puts us on track for a trainwreck unless I can find a way to deal with his agression.
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@catmint (628)
• Singapore
9 Apr 08
I don't know the objectives of your talking to him so I can't say for sure why he is reacting like that, unless he is mentally unwell.
However, the basics of handling a confrontation, which looks like what you have been having with him, is the same - hold your ground.
For starters, lower your voice and speak slow to begin with. Never react. Arguments begin when one raise his voice and the other matched it. The more agressive the opposite party, the calmer you must be. The calmer one controls the situation. Your roommate probably tried to use scare tactic by raising his voice to confuse you. At any point of time if you feel threatened, move back in an easy manner but never scoot back as that shows fear. Anytime you feel it is pointless to continue, just get up and leave. Before leaving, tell him stiffly that you do not see the point of continuing and you will be prepared to talk with him again when he is ready.
1 person likes this
@fifileigh (3615)
• United States
9 Apr 08
ignore him, respect each others space, and try to live your own lives. just treat him like an acquaintance or a roommate or even a stranger. just pretend he is not there. and stay busy with your life. if it gets bad, move out. maybe you know of a friend who is willing to trade places with you if you like her roommates better.
@fifileigh (3615)
• United States
10 Apr 08
or maybe it could me that he likes you...men have weird ways of showing their affection. most are shy and insecure. maybe that was his way of trying to communicate with you and get closer to you to express himself. i dont know. just guessing...
@Ajaxus (33)
• United States
10 Apr 08
Since there's been interest in this here's a follow up on everything.
After I sent the email, he has stopped speaking with me entirely. He ignores me and doesn't look at me. And to tel the truth, this is GREAT.
I don't have any more confrontations with him AND I still have low bills. Not bad. Only have 6 weeks left in this living arrangement so I might as well make the most of it. Due to some unforeseen financial circumstances (in another topic I started), I can not afford to move out at the present time so dealing with him is all I have, and where we are is good for me.
@dpsurfer (4)
• United States
8 Apr 08
I have had alot of roommates over the years and found out that there are some you just cann't do anything with. If there is more than just you at the place than all of you need to be in on the disscusion and if he doesn't want to help find a even ground then he has to go. The one place you don't want to have a hard time at is at home its suppose to be the place that you retreat to from the outside world and have a little peace and quite.
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@zuyoji (82)
• Singapore
11 Apr 08
Hello~
I think 21 doesnt mean that is already adult. Maybe in physical but mentally, it depends.
Maybe your discussion with him on the matter, is quite private for him and he does not want anyone to continue on the subject and therefore shouting add in in the conversation.
Or maybe it is because he is having a trouble created by his own and he feel frustrating. However when you add on the stress, he may feel being force to answer or talk.
Give him some time, give yourself some time to cool down and you can slowly knowing his character. From there, you work on how to have a nice conversation with him.
When you feel that he did not want to carry on, all you have to do is to keep quiet and let the atmosphere to take over. Maybe it will solve the problem.
Or the most easiest of all, just keep quiet and do not bother about him. However, since you bring up the situation, i doubt you do not want to have a converation with him.
@kuchiyose (163)
• Singapore
9 Apr 08
If possible, find another place to stay in.
Having to face such a person everyday will make your life miserable.
@ciades (1623)
• Philippines
9 Apr 08
Person like that is very complicated to handle with. He have something an attitude problem. Maybe?? A person who having with it is hard to explained and its annoyed us sometimes. The best way is just let him first to talked and asked him if he is already finished and frankly tell him about his attitude...
@ladysakurax (1161)
• Canada
9 Apr 08
Since it isn't just the two of you, you should ask your other roomates what they think about him. If there is one who has a good relationship with him, maybe he will pay more attention. Maybe, it could be the ton of your voice. Since it is difficult to handle a situation with him, smile to him while talking. It might soften the atmosphere and it is more friendly. So basically, pretend as if you are talking to a child sicne he can't act as an adult. You and the others can also set rules of what you don't want. And if he doesn't respect it, then you guys should think about a way to kick him out of the place. Goodluck
