karma,religion,love,work,

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is it for real karma? i would like to believe so for i am not a very religious person. i do belive that there is a reason for us to be here but how we got here i don't know guess you'd say i have no faith. i work very hard it makes me feel good about myself thinking that i work harder and better than my co-workers i am a good boyfriend and father it makes feel good about myself that someone loves me back. i think that i am a caring person and when someone needs help i am there for them and i'll go without things to benifit them and this to makes me feel good about myself. i am a good son and i will always be there for my mom no matter how much we argue and fight and this makes me feel good about myself. i help others around me suceed in work and life and this to makes me feel good about myself. the problem is that the feel good feeling is very short and i get depressed about how my life has gone and where it is going. my first wife cheated on me with a friend we both shared. i started a new job and carrer and had the same training and worked harder than others around me and they got promoted cause they kissed every butt that came infront of them. i love my new and only son and girlfriend but just seems like something is always missing in our relationship. almost everytime i have helped someone out they either stole from me, lied about me or told secrets about me and slept with my wife. my mom is suffering from demintia and she can be quite cruel to me and makes me feel like she loves my son more than me. i don't relate to people at work well becuase of above mentioned items and i'll perfer to be solo all day than chit chat and make friends, so i don't get the respect that i should and i am not that well liked. so i think bad thoughts listen to loud music and wish i was and stayed stoned all the time but with work and the ever possible threat of a pee test i stay clean, for the most part. i don't like to drink cause of hangovers and i don't want to do other drugs. so when is it my turn to be happy,wealthy, and wise. when do i get what is comming to me or am i recieving it now. is this the price to pay for being myself. some days i fantisse about the end of days and civlization and that my family and i would run off into the hills and live life the way it useto be hunter gathers with no phone, tv, car, bills or anything just each other and the peace of mind that if someone did try to steal from us or hurt us or just be a a-- that one bullet to their head would end the problem and the unhappiness that i feel every day.