I no longer laugh with or talk comfortably with my family. What should I do?

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You know it all started when my mother told me she never wanted me to be gay. ANd so, I was so scared, I was only 15 years old that time, and all I could do was say no whenever she asked me If I was gay and act as manly as possible. I really envy those children who laugh with their parents as they walk along the streets, or those who are able to tell to their parents who their crushes are. Now I'm 17 years old but still, I have no enough courage to tell to my mother what my real identity is. I don't want to be a shame to my family. But I know I would trade my whole self with this identity cr*p, all for who my mother wants me to be. I have an older brother, too. He is gay as well but we no longer talk for about four years. It's another story but I have remained distant with all of them. I feel desolate and alone. I no longer think they are really a family I can lean on to in times when i need them most.