Who is really to blame?
By sherrylwatts
@sherrylwatts (326)
United States
April 17, 2008 1:15pm CST
I'm probably going to lose a few star ratings here, but...Lately I've been noticing this happen more frequently - I'm sure its always been this way & I've just been noticing it more, not just here on myLot, but also out in the real world. Why do we seem to place the blame on the wrong person when a loved one hurts us? A couple of examples, last night was girls night out and we have a fairly large group so there is always some drama going on.
1. One of my friend just found out her husband is having an affair. What does she do - blames the other woman for being a home wrecker! I mean, her husband is the one that made a promise and vow to her, but it still has to have been that this other womans fault - her hubby is a scum bag (ok, just my opinion) and I can easily see him leading this other woman on with promises of divorce, etc. But still instead of blaming him for cheating, she focuses on the other if not innocent, than probably also wronged party. There's a similar discussion here on myLot about a girl that found out her boyfriend had been having a homosexual relationship the whole time they've been together. She blames the other guy - why isn't she blaming the guy that played both of them for 4 freakin years?
2. Another friend has a daughter that is pregnant at 16 - has to be that her boyfriend took advantage of her. I mean, it did take two to tango did it not? Believe me I remember being 16 (vaguely), and those hormones were a racing, not just in males, but also in females. But nope, her innocent little girl was taken advantage of.
3. Here I've recently seen a discussion about a step parent coming between a person and their real parent. They blame the step parent, why aren't they pi$$ed as heck at the parent? Doesn't the parent have a mind of their own? I don't care how fabulous some guy is, if god forbid hubby and I divorced and I remarried - no way, no how is he coming between me and my kiddos and better not even try.
I could come up with several more examples, but don't want to make this to long. Just look through the threads or to your friends and family - you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.
So riddle me this - is it just human nature to let our loved ones off the hook? Do we make up excuses for their bad behavior by blaming the other party? Or do we feel that their behavior somehow reflects poorly on us and therefore we have to make them into the victim? Why?
4 people like this
7 responses
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
18 Apr 08
You've pretty much nailed the answer yourself sherryl. We find it difficult to admit to ourselves that we could be at fault, or wrong in our judgements of our loved ones until forced to do so. Because of that need to deflect guilt from ourselves, we put it ALL off on the other person, or the 'stranger' to the equation. That way we can keep our distance from the true pain and ugliness of the situation. I know. I'm guilty of it myself. Because as you say - it takes TWO and no one person is totally to blame when things go bad.
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Maybe that's really what it is - it is just too painful to think that someone we love could hurt us (or anyone else) but if we can blame the "stranger" then suddenly it is not such a betrayal. I guess humans do this in every walk of life - we are all afraid of the psycho killer, or being attacked by a total stranger when in fact most violent crimes occur between family members and friends. Maybe we want to believe that our judgment about a person could not be that flawed?
Your situation with the soon to be ex seems to be a little different though - from what I've read (an I know, of course, that there is more - no way to tell the whole story in a few paragraphs) it appears to me that your "fault" was more of one of complacency - not maliciousness. You had control gradually taken away until one day you woke up to realize you had been wrapped in chains. I know from watching friends go through this, that those things are so gradual and subtle that you don't even realize it is happening until it is too late. Instead of fault, perhaps a better word would be blindness? Or even a desire to believe the fairy tale marriage you had built in your mind? Its easy for people outside looking in to ask "how did you let it get that bad?" but it wasn't like all of a sudden the blankety-blank-blank came home one day and stuck all these restrictions on you. Don't let yourself accept the blame for his actions - yes, recognize how you allowed it to happen so it NEVER happens again, but you are not responsible for him!
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
18 Apr 08
In having to admit that we have exercised poor judgement, we have to face that as a blow to our ego, our sense of self and our ability to trust ourselves. That's a lot to deal with all at one go, so it doesn't surprise me that most people not only don't take the time, but don't nurture within themselves healthy introspection. So the blame gets shifted. Human nature.
As for me - yes, it was gradual, and I kept excusing things for the sake of my marriage which was still pretty 'new' and I kept thinking, 'this is all part of the learning process of each other and we will work out a compromise'. So yes, a certain kind of blindness but not complacency, rather the optimism born of being mature enough to trust in the other's maturity.
You can take it to the bank though, that I will NOT make such a mistake again.
@jenni7202 (1598)
• United States
18 Apr 08
I completely agree with you. We have an incident in our family right now, that I would rather not speak of because it's quite horrible. The wrong person is being blamed for what happened, simply because they don't want to admit that it could possibly be true. I think that people do this way too often, and should just deal with what is really going on in their lives, rather than trying to make it someone elses problem. I'm not going to give you a bad rating here, in fact, I'm going to give you a positive one, because you are completely right.
@jenni7202 (1598)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Yes, child abuse is very horrible. I personally have a hard time dealing with child abuse cases, especially ones close to home. I feel myself wanting to hurt people that would do such a thing to a child, but, well, I try to keep myself locked up for those reasons. So here I sit, in my bedroom, with my dog at my side, so that I don't harm someone, lol.
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Thank you! I know what you are talking about with situations being too horrible to discuss - one example I wanted to post but couldn't (cause I would have said some very ugly things) was a situation about child abuse where the child was blamed for "seeking attention" while the abuser was considered the "victim" - WTF??? I saw red for soooooo long!
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
18 Apr 08
Okay you got me here. I have always wondered why it seems to be human nature to blame the other party and not put responsiblity with whom it belongs. What, we can't imagine our loved one is the instigator or what? I noticed I did this too when I was younger but learnt the hard way I had to take responsiblity for myself and when my first husband had an affair to realize the girl had a part in it but in no way was responsible for my husbands decisions. Hard to except but it was truth. I find it sad when someone can't take responsiblity for their actions. I have a person close to me now that her life is always in termoil as she points the finger outward and doesn't recognize the three that are pointed back at her.
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
18 Apr 08
I'm thankful that you answered - I'm not glad you went through this (obviously), but it is good to get someone who has been in this positions opinion. I agree the girl did have a part in it - she dated a married man, but you always have to wonder what the man was telling her in the first place. I have had friends that have made the mistake of "being the other woman" and it seems like all of them want to believe when they are told "My wife just doesn't understand me" or "I'm going to file for divorce as soon as I get my finances straightened out" or "We can get divorced as soon as the kids are older" when the guy never has any intention of divorcing - just wants a little something-something on the side. I personally think it was better of you (and shows you are a much bigger person) that you were able to accept your first husbands responsibility for his decisions - I hope that helped you to move forward. I especially hope you never had to go through blaming yourself or doubting yourself for what was basically a selfish decision on his part.
I have friends (and a stepson) that do the same as yours - because they can never accept how their actions (or lack thereof) have put them in the position they are in, they can never seem to break free to move forward.
@moneymatters2684 (283)
• Pakistan
18 Apr 08
i will say that it is the nature of human that he always blame others but not himself even he/she is the guilty one. his thinking always motive him such that he keeps his faults behind and starts to put blame on others.
however there are a very few persons who admits their faults...i think they are the brave ones.........
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
18 Apr 08
You are so right - I think most human beings have difficulty accepting blame and it takes a very brave person to say "I was wrong".
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
18 Apr 08
I think they do this so that they can somehow tolerate it, if they have someone else to blame. They have to see and deal with their loved one. So it is easier to keep blinders on and blame the other person. They know deep down that their loved one is just as much to blame, but they are unable to deal with the truth at this time.
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
18 Apr 08
You're right of course - this is a form of denial that people use to get through the worst of the pain. Perhaps as time goes on most people are capable of accepting their closest's responsibility, but right now, maybe this is a defense mechanism.
@wannameetya (138)
• Canada
17 Apr 08
I think these people want to blame the other people because if they blame their husband or daughter then they are admitting that what they had or how they raised there daughter wasn't real or they did a bad job and in turn some blame put on them perhaps, so they go into denial and say well it must have been this other person who i don't know who came into our lives and disrupted everything, people nowadays have no responsibility for themselves and i think society allows this, just watch in these court cases people pleading insanity or they didn't know what they were doing, i mean c'mon take responsibility for what you did and don't try and cop out of it, you were dealt a hand so deal with it and work through it whether she stays with her husband or not she has to work something out either for them or herself to get past this and instead of blaming that boy for getting her daughter pregnant she needs to support her daughter and this boy if he is gonna stick around
@sherrylwatts (326)
• United States
17 Apr 08
I agree - I'm a big believer in personal responsibility, but I also believe others need to be held accountable for their actions. I know teenage pregnancy happens - its a fact of life, but if all she's doing is bad mouthing the father of her grandson - how's that going to work out? If her daughter has the baby, I know she's not going to make her take responsibility for the child. What is the girl going to learn? How to blame others for her actions? That actions do not carry consequences?
1 person likes this
@wannameetya (138)
• Canada
17 Apr 08
yeah for sure, and how does she know the father is not going to be around, that would not look good her having a problem with him, if he is there to take care of his baby and all
@weiyi5151 (119)
• China
18 Apr 08
you article is really so long.
i have no patient to read your article ,because i have no enough time to read it .i am sorry.
