My Weight Victory...

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I often joke that I have lost well over 450 pounds; people look at me in shock. I say yeah, over 150 pounds was me, the rest was the ex. It wasn’t till I hit the loss of over 200 pounds that I realized my excitement that I had lost a whole person. Now mind you, this was not overnight; there was a lot of weight and time that had built up over my life since I was 16. Yes, I was 16 when I was officially overweight. My mom used to tell me I was just big boned, not to worry about it, that I was beautiful inside. You know, the usual. To me, I was an overweight teenager who was a cheerleader who was out of shape. I saw every flaw in my body from there to even now. I am not going to say that this was an easy task or that I really even ever expected to be what I am today. So see, we can even shock ourselves from time to time. My story is much like many out there. Both of my parents were overweight, both self conscious of this; my mother went as far as to have the bypass surgery and in the end lost her life because of such drastic measures to lose weight. My father was a Marine at one time, so physical fitness was once a big deal in his life. Myself, I would look at my mom and be so embarrassed, swearing I would never be like her. About 12 years later, I looked in the mirror and she was what I saw. I avoided photos. I don’t even have pictures of the old me to prove what my body has become. I want you to know, yes, I mention the body a lot, but this also was a very spiritual and mental transition as well. I will get into that. Without the balance of all three, I don’t think that what I have achieved would have been possible. I woke up very quickly, once I got divorced. I had seen the weight piling on, but could not do anything about it. I lived in a home where steak and potatoes were the normal. I did try to bring in healthy foods, but it was something that was not eaten by too many in the house besides me. As my children grew, I found that they loved fruits and some vegetables. I was very lucky there; it was not until after the separation from my husband that I took a hard look at my life, myself, and what I had become. I will be honest, the weight came off in stages: I would hit a plateau, then all of a sudden, it fell off, and then the weight loss would stop. I did, however, change my diet. I found that I had started leaving food on the plate because I was full; I made sure I had soup once a day, and I would try to walk as much as I could. At the time of my divorce, I believe I weighed in at something like 325 pounds, but I know I was wearing a size 28. I was a big girl. I was a miserable woman. I had eaten a lot of my life away because I could not express what I wanted to; some due to my own fault, some due to the situation. Such is life. I have always believed that everything in life happens for a reason; I know that my weight gain and loss has taught me a great deal. I had to come to terms that I had eaten my depression within myself instead of finding the freedom that I needed to speak. I know you hear that a lot, but I am living proof. I have always been a spiritual person as well. I had to find peace within myself to find the ability to follow my body’s responses to food. I actually got to learn to listen to my body; eat when I was hungry, eat what I wanted to, and when I wanted to do it. I never did go on a diet per se, just changed my way of life, my way of thinking, and my way of doing things. I believe that changing my thoughts about myself was the biggest thing in my life that changed me and the way I saw things about life. I was extremely hard on myself in high school, an over-achiever; I still am. I have always believed that I cannot expect out of someone else what I do not expect out of myself. Now I know there are people out there who cannot lose the weight. My mother was one of them. She could not because of medical conditions. Although, I do know she could have been healthier in her food choices and what she allowed around her. You can choose to be healthier. I am choosing to be healthy because of the fact I have 2 children who I must be around for. I want to see my kids graduate, and I want to be healthy when I do it. See, I don’t believe in being too thin, either. I believe in being healthy. I think this is my biggest weight loss. The fact that I know all foods in moderation are important in ones diet, to know that yes you may not be the thinnest person in life but you are healthy, not only the body but the mind as well. I found that my mind was the biggest thing that needed to lose the weight. The self hatred, self loathing, and self prophesying failures I set up for myself: I couldn’t do it because I was too big, but I have no excuse now. I have recently moved to New York. Believe me, Manhattan does a body good. That is one of my new jokes; to laugh at others is one thing, but when you can laugh at yourself, you heal yourself; there is no one who can condemn or condone you worse than yourself. That’s just a little writer’s side note here: humor does the body great. Believe me, in New York City I eat all the time and I am still losing weight. I love the city and the city seems to love me. I am where I belong. I have found that happiness that makes my soul and my mind happy, the body is just following suit. I will admit, the last time I slipped into a new size and saw what size I was in, tears fell. It was a size I never expected to see again, unless it was on someone else. Not me. Not even in high school have I been this size, but it is more than that: it was the accomplishment. My ex-husband told me to get rid of a pair of size 12 shorts that I had kept since High School; he told me I would never fit into them again. He was right in one way. I am now a size 6 to 8 and yes, it was all natural; I will never fit into those size 12 shorts again, but they were comfortable when they did fit. See, I want you to understand, I still go to the larger sizes, I still gripe about my inner thighs and that I have love handles there or the layer of fat that I call my belly. Then I remember, I didn’t used to be able to wear that underwear that now covers my little goddess belly, before it always poured out. It is not about what is left on you so much, but what you carry in your head too. I still have areas to work on, sure, but I have come this far. I just wanted to share my story so you know you can too. It is about being healthy, not about fat or thin. Not about that diet that might work; your body has its own diet, it is about knowing inside, you are beautiful, sometimes it just takes the body awhile to catch up.