Having Problems With My Sons Father - Advice On Situation Please

That is really difficult to manage those things especially his father not taking responsibilities thats the problem so i appreciate you told in several ways but his father couldn't understand so it is difficult for boy because he always think about his parents so he needs some cooperation from his father anyhow his father should understand your fellings. what do you think about this issue? have you taken any decession?

how about seeking legal advice on this one? you have every right to ask him for child support. he is after all the father. but once he doesn't give, then you're the one who pays for everything which is very unfair. maybe a lawyer can straighten him out. fight for your right girl!

Ellie I hate it when this happens I really do I suggest you let him know that either he keeps a regular Routine or you will take it further as he is harming the Child and also upsetting the Childs Feelings which is not fair I hope you can get this sorted once and for all or you will have a moody and confused little Boy on your Hands

It is a shame that this seems to be the norm these days! In the United States, many children, up to half of them, do not have contact with one parent or the other! It is usually the father, and there are always some excuses as to why they are not taking care of their children! I would tell him it is for the child, not for me, and give him another chance.

My Oldest daughter is going through this with her ex about their 10 yr old daughter..he pays child support and tries to call but then decided to move out of state..so now he comes up with all sorts of excuses why he can't come to see her..and has canceled trips for her to fly to see him the day before she's all happy to go..she says well thats just Daddy..and just accepts it..even though we know it hurts her..they will grow up and accept their absentee parent as that way, but still love them as long as you never put them down to her face..Glad you aren't doing that!

If it were me I would definitly tell him it's regular or not at all and he needs to be paying child support. You an he made your son together not just you. My daughter has never met her father because he is a moron and refused to see her at 6 months old. He wasn't around for the last 6 months of my pregnancy and has never really showed any interest in my daughter so IF he ever decides he wants to see his 11th child I will tell him it is regulat or nothing at all.

I think you should have a talk with your ex and say either you are in his life or you are not the ball is in your court, but you are not going to have it both ways because I will not have our son hurt that way.

I don't think your little boy should be subjected to the hurt of an errant father. A bad parent is much worse than no parent. Tell his dad to get lost, that there's no point to him being around when it suits him. Tell him he has to be a proper Dad who is responsible and paying his way and can be counted on by his son or to just leave you alone. Be honest with your son but don't explain too much. If he asks tell him his dad isn't coming. If he doesn't ask, say nothing. Hopefully you have family support because it would be very hard if you were completely alone. It's important your son experiences family life as much as possible.

Regardless of the fact that he's not paying child support I'm sorry to say but he needs a good kick up the rear end for being so selfish! Children can be scarred for life by this sort of thing and your poor 4 year old must be so confused about why daddy doesn't turn up when he's supposed to. If I were you I would put my foot down and keep him away from your son for a while till he learns to respect his son's feelings. Tell him that if he can't "remember" his own child, he'll have to keep his distance until he can assure you that he will remember when he's promised to come see him or phone him! It's a tough one Ellie hun but I hope you resolve it soon, my heart goes out to your little boy having to put up with these constant disappointments. xx

First off, why is he not paying any child support? And secondly, is it better to have him in your son's life when it is convienent for him, and put your son through the disappointment? That little boy would be better without the disappointment and rejection, then to have a part-time father when the father feels like seeing him. His answer to you 'Oh, I forgot', that would have been answer enough for me, to tell him either step up to the plate or step away. Personnally, I woud not subject my child to a parent that is only a parent when he feels like it.

I'm in a similar boat with you ellie. I don;t have any advice except to keep loving your son unconditionally, and be there to wipe away his tears. If you try to keep his dad away, his anger will just build up towards you. And if you talk badly about his father, he will grow up to think you planted thoughts in his head, and never really wanted him to have a relationship with his dad. The way I handle this kind of thing, is I just give my kids all the love I have. I encourage them to express their feelings to their father, and to write him. When he breaks promises or deals he's made with them, I try to explain it as much as I can without talking dirt about him. I just say maybe something came up that he had to deal with, or maybe bills got bad and he ran out of money. They are old enough now, that they come back with their own conclusions. SOmetimes its pretty harsh what they say. But I try to refocus their attention somewhere else, and just let them know I care and will always be here for them. peace and blessings

This is a really hard one. No matter which direction you go you are between a rock and a hard place. Your son is really too young to choose for himself the type of relationship that he will have with his father. The father is obviously too immature to establish a true parental relationship. Unfortunately you don't have the power to force the father to act like a responsible adult in this situation. Here is my advice. 1. Get child support, legally! This forces financial responsibility. You don't have to ask for all that is due if you don't need it but sometimes the act of writing a weekly or monthly check reminds the absent parent that there is a child in the world. Sounds strange but it can work if the support amount isn't staggering. 2. If you haven't already done so establish relationships with other members of the fathers family. Especially the grandparents (his parents). Make certain that your son sees them and / or talks to them on a regular basis. These ties if they are loving and solid will help your son and will also remind the father that he has a child that he is responsible for emotionally. Use his family to push his buttons. When he doesn't show call his family and ask where he is, tell them that he didn't show and how this is affecting the child. 3. I don't know how you feel about the father but if you can stomach hanging out with him it might be easier if you set up some "play dates". Part of this might be that he doesn't know what to do with a child this young. So help him bond with his son by hanging out with them. Pick things that are easy to do together such as picnics in the park, going to the zoo, or other things that you can do in 4 hours or less to start on a Saturday. 4. Finally don't set the expectation with your son. If the father says he is coming don't tell your son. For now let it be a surprise until the father establishes a pattern of responsibility and trustworthy behavior.

Hi Ellie, I've been in a situation similar to yours. You may have already gotten this advice, but I would start by not EVER telling my son his father is coming to get him or that he is even on his way. That way when and if his father shows up, your son will be pleasantly surprised. Since he already knows his father, he may blame you if you cut his father's contact off completely. If your father is around or if you have brothers or a positive male role model, ask them to spend some time with your son on a regular basis. Never express your disappointment in his father to him, he will figure it out on his own as he gets older. As for as child support is concerned, you can go after it, but don't allow yourself to think of your ex as a resource because he may never live up to his financial responsibility. Always budget based on your income. Be strong, it may get rough, but it does get better. Mine are grown now and inspite of everything they now have a healthy relationship with both their father and me.

hi, ellie! i understand how hard it must be for you. and harder for your son who's growing up and starting to ask about things and why they happen, especially if it concerns any one of his parents. though, i am not really familiar with the laws in your country...would it really be feasible for him to just not work to avoid his obligations to your son? i mean, yes he may avoid the responsibility to your son, but how would he live for himself without working? would he be supported well that he can afford to just suddenly stop working? if not, then he'll just controlling you and threatening you with something that he's not really going to do. further, if he's really keen on doing that, i guess he should have done that a long time ago so you can face the situation all alone. but since it seems that he just keeps on saying that to prevent you from going to court or take any action that would force him to take up his obligations. if giving up work is so easy for him to do, he should have already done that without telling you. regarding your son, there are many ways of explaining what's happening. however, very few of these ways are easy. there's no guarantee that both of you would come out of it unhurt. but most of the time, just by going through it and keeping your faith on yourself is enough to let the problem solve by itself. your son is very young to understand fully, but give him words that he would understand. sometimes give him something higher than what he could understand and someday that seed would grow in his mind and understanding would come automatically. everything will happen in due time. just keep the faith. with you having gone through pregnancy alone and now single-handedly rasiing up your son, there is no doubt that you are a strong woman that can carry through to the end. if the son's father likes to be a father only when he likes it..then treat him like that. treat him like somebody who's not so important that it really doesn't matter whether he shows up or not. you're not getting any money, any kind of support nor any better with him. so why bother? surely the son would miss his father. that's the perfect time to make your role as a mom to be bigger than big. you're the one who's always with him. show him the greatest love that you can give. i know many people who grew up with only the mom around and those people only have the highest praises for their mothers. someday your son would understand and greatly appreciate what you have done for him. just being the parent who was with him since the beginning without letting up would make you the only one in his heart. i know easier said than done, but it can be done. JUST DO IT, GIRL!

Hey Ellie, When I first commented to you I didn't realize you were in the UK. It is a shame that the courts do it differently over there. As for you son's emotional hurt, I know what you are going through. My son hasn't seen his dad since December of 2006. Not because his dad doesn't want to see him, but because he is in the Army and lives in another state. He has been trying to get out for almost six months now, so the military hasn't granted him any time off to come see his son. My son is only 5 years old and he will come up to me out of no where and ask me "Mommy, when is my dad going to come see me?". Then I have to try to explain to him that his daddy wants to come see him, but the Army isn't giving him any time off to come see him. It's sucks that I have to tell him this, but I don't know any other way to explain it to him. I want my son to know that it is not his dad's fault. If you were to ask my son about his dad, he will tell you "I hate the Army because they won't let my daddy come see me!" It absolutely breaks my heart to hear my 5 year old son say something like this, but it is comforting to know that he understands that it's not his dad's fault. My son has down right cryed because he misses his daddy so much! It's alot for a child so young to have to deal with. Now I know your situation is different, your son's father doesn't seem to want to be in his son's life. I know how upsetting that can be. It does emotionally hurt both you and your son! The best thing I can suggest is to follow your heart. Only you know what's best for your son. With your situation I would say as little as possible as to why his dad isn't coming around. He is probably still a little young to fully understand. Just make sure that he knows "you" love him! The one thing I learned from leaving my ex is that I will in no way influence my son's judgement of his father. Yes, I left his dad because of some bad choices his father made. But my son doesn't need to know that. My son will form his own opinion of his dad over time. It is not my place to do. I wish you all the best and if you ever just need to talk, I am here!

Hi ellie! Seems to me that he is not such a good father. I am there right with you. The next time he comes to see your son, don't let him. Your son is getting older and is very bright. he will be able to see that daddy doesn't care for him that much. Being that he is not answering your texts messages or phone calls, write him a very detailed letter stating that you will not allow him to continue to see his son under those conditions. Take him to court for child support. If my sister giftsandbags were reading this she would come over and slap me. This is because I never took the father of my nearly 18 year old son to court for child support because I was thinking more of his father being in his life as apposed to money but when I finally decided to do it, I found out that I couldn't because my son dropped out of school but you do it and do it now. And most importantly...........seek full custody of your son. I know you are saying that he is already your son and he is because you had him but it makes such a huge difference. I know because I have, according to the courts, full custody of my 12 and 13 year old boys. I feel bad for the children, especially boys, because they don't deserve it at all and there are certain things that men are supposed to teach their male children that mommies can't. I wish you the best in this situation and stay prayerful.

It is hard to see our children hurting when in situations like this. I split with my eldest childs father just after he was born, I too offered access and visits and it worked for a couple of visits and then on my sons first birthday he was supposed to come and see him, and did not. He never got in touch to explain or nothing. 3 months later at christmas he sent a christmas card with £5 in and said he was sorry but the car had broken down. I had a solicitor and he told me in plain english that this guy was not worth it and would probably just keep letting my son down. So I made the decision not to contact him no more, if he chose to get in touch about his son then I would have tried to work something out, but there was no way he was going to hurt my son like that as he got older. My eldest son is now 16 and has never had any contact with his biological father, he never got in touch again. You have to be the one to make the decision for your son, your son will feel the effects of this and it is not going to be nice for him. I think if it was me then I would try and get in touch and offer an ultimatum, that either he takes his responsibilities seriously and stops messing the boy about or you will stop any contact until further notice because your son is suffering, it might just shake him up and make him realise what he is doing or you might not hear anything from him. Other than that, if he does not respond to you then I would just not get in touch with him for the time being, see how long it is before he contacts you. It is a hard situation, but my son has not suffered as a consequence of not seeing his biological father, better that than growing up to be bitter and unhappy because they are always being let down.

Doesn't he realize how hard that is on your son and that it is his son whether he wants to acknowledge that or not.he is beingthoughtless where his son is concerned. as hedoes not answer any medium of exchange I get the feeling he does not much care an odd attitude to take for a parent. how could he just forget? is your son that little of a concern to him I couldsee forgetting a package or even a dog but ason. give mea break.maybe you should convey through his sister that you would rather he not see him at all unless] he is willing to keep his word and come when he says he will.

Hi ellie. I can see you're between a rock and a hard place. I always try to understand how any parent could willing deprive their children of their presence.I could respect him more if he said i dont want to be in his life and just bowed out from the begining. But to enter the childs life and then be a deadbeat is inexcusable.I dont think it would be wise to not let him see his son, it would just give him an excuse when the time comes for him to explain his behavoir, dont give him that advantage.This angers me because no matter what you do your son is going to be hurt by this man if he doesn't change for the better.I would take him to court for child support though no matter how much he threatens me, just so you have a court order for support and it can't hurt either way.Ellie just continue to love your son and build your relationship with him, so that despite whatever role his father plays in his life he'll know that he is loved.