The Truth Behind the Lies

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"Princess Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser! Mario, you must rescue her!" Lies. All lies. Tonight on Truthies we will expose the secrets that have remained hidden from gamers since 1985. It's not pronounced "Mehrio" anymore. [Insert really cool introduction vignette here with explosions and monumental theme music that makes you want to keep watching.] Super Mario Brothers is the iconic video game, with an Italian plumber from Brooklyn whose Visa card expired driving him and his brother Luigi (that's the one in the green) into the Mushroom Kingdom. There they met Princess Peach (Toadstool) and later rescued her from being kidnapped by King Bowser of the Koopa. Little did gamers know at the time that that was not the case. In truth, Princess Peach secretly sneaks off to Bowser's castle so that the two may elope together. Unfortunately, Mario has had a record every time of intervening. Despite protests from both Peach and Koopa, Mario has a habit of rushing in and stopping the two of them without a clue as to their true intentions. Toadsworth and the rest of the Toads have vowed a "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" policy on the subject due to the complicated controversy at stake. This is said to be another scandal hidden here which speculates that Mario has an alter ego by the alias of "Ron Jeremy". Very few can offer true insight into Mario's delusions. Some theorize that the mushrooms offer some sort of hallucinogenic effect, although the true drug-related nature of Super Mario has always been classified as "Indeterminate". In fact, the only piece of work ever to not be drug-related is, ironically, the song "Puff the Magic Dragon" as is common knowledge. Others postulate that Mario, an earth-bound Brooklynner, could never cope with the concept of a healthy interspecies relationship, although such is now acceptable in parts of the U.K. in the 51st century. Even Luigi, Mario's own brother (the guy in green), cannot offer any further insight, although he does admit: "He took a few nasty head slams back when he was still in pro-wrestling, but Cyndi Lauper's music always kept him recuperating. One time he thought he invented rock and roll." Luigi also recollects his twin brother's inability to cope with the demise of their parents who were eaten by raptors when they were young. Despite Luigi admitting to the scandal between Peach and Bowser, he claims that his stance is to "always follow his brother to keep him out of trouble". Princesses Peach and Daisy could not be reached for comment, and neither could King Bowser as our reporters can't get past the piranha plants alive. Wario, founder of the Microgames franchise, claims to have eight-track tapes with concrete evidence of Peach's and Bowser's secret affairs. We'll be back to play that tape for you along with potential motives after this break.