Why are men such babies?
By icyorchid
@icyorchid (2564)
United States
May 1, 2008 10:56pm CST
I am so fed up with my man it isn't funny! I am so ready to leave this relationship!
I am tired of fighting, tired of arranging payments on our bills, everything you name it I am TIRED!
He just doesn't get that he HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO GO TO WORK!!! He didn't go to work Monday, his crew didn't show up, so that is 1 day off his check! He didn't go in today his tummy was hurting him and he was in a bad mood because his dad's birthday was today (his dad is deceased). That's 2 days off a 5 day check!
Tell me this is fair? When I was working, I went to work SICK! We have double bills (cable/internet and electric) and he PROMISED me we'd have our bills straight this month and he would have all full weeks! The very first paycheck on May and I have 2 days missing from bill money!
We are suppose to be getting a house, but I don't see it! I see myself TRAPPED here!!! I hate this trailer, I don't think of it as home and I WANT OUT!!!
Sorry to rant, but as you can see I am fed up!
What would you do? I don't want to leave him, I would have done that by now if I was going to. I know he loves me, but he is even screwing me up with my doctor appts now. I feel like I HATE HIM!
How do I get around this? How do I stop feeling like I hate him?
Please don't critize me, I do love him and he is good to me, but when it comes to the bills, it is all me that deals with it and I am TIRED of doing that! I just want a NORMAL LIFE!
Please helpful information would be appreciated. Thanks
5 people like this
20 responses
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
2 May 08
Your life sounds normal to me. Sorry that you are going through a bad patch with the hubby and its ok to vent here to us.
Can you get some budgeting help for free somewhere? I took a free online ivillage course recently and it has helped me get our finances sorted and more organised and manageable now - it's slow going but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel (we both can) if we just percevere (sp?).
I know its difficult when it comes to finances, but if you can step away from your situation for a moment, or shall i say sit down with everything you have on the table, and put it all down on paper. Come up with a way you can tackle each bill each pay week - look at wether you need cable - or cut down on some of the services it offers (we have), is there a cheaper phone company you can go with and stuff like that.
Take charge if your hubby is not doing what he is suppose to do. I had to because he wasn't doing it well either. It's helped us to get organised and I managed to shuffle some bills to be paid out on different days instead of all in one pay - most companies are quite good with that.
I hope this help, but hang in there especially since you say you love him very much and he loves you too.
2 people like this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Morning Maddysmommy,
Thank you for the advice. I did do that and that is why I am so frustrated. Everytime I do this, he screws it up! It isn't the first time he has missed work. I think I have only received a full paycheck from him 2 or 3 times this year and we are in the 5th month!! That is TERRIBLE!
I am so disappointed in him and him breaking his promises. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can pay the bills like I have been, but it doesn't get them to be a single bill. I pay them late and right after paying them, I owe another bill.
It is a pattern for him. He don't care, he doesn't get on the phone and call to arrange payments, I do. He told me yesterday to go talk to the landlady because his check hadn't come in yet and it may not have been in until today. I told him NO you did this crap you go talk to her, I am too pissed off to handle another bill. He wouldn't do it, so I eventually went and talked to her. His check did come in though.
See what I am talking about he depends on me to handle everything, but I can't depend on him for the money to pay anything on time.
I have done budgets and have thrown them away because of not having enough money. I am afraid to buy a house, I don't want to get kicked out after moving in because of him!
1 person likes this
@Rosekitty (19368)
• San Marcos, Texas
2 May 08
Icy..you are just frustrated..I can see it in all your words..you are tired of bills and want them cleared up..like everyone else now thats even harder since the economy is so bad..what can the bill collectors do? They understand whats going on but have to do there job too..call them up and try to make payments to at least let them know you are trying..anything right now will at least show them you are in dire straights and will get the rest when Hubby gets better.
You have had so much going on right now and this just tops it all..of course men are babies..we made them that way..LOL..well i know I spoiled mine.
2 people like this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Morning Rose,
Thank you. I have to make full payments on my bills, they don't let you pay what you can here. I don't have the computer bill anymore, that is paid off with the help of our daughter. She had no choice, one of the computer's was for her. lol
Feels good not to have that burden on me, but it is the normal bills that are past due (cable/internet and electricity). He promised me we would get them straight this month and I had a budget set so we could do that and he blew it for me! He does it ALL THE FREAKING TIME!
I am really fed up and I can't take it anymore. I hardly slept last night and I have a migraine because of it. I wish he would be a man when it comes to paying the bills. I don't think that is asking too much!
My daughter and her boyfriend want to move out of their apt. I told them they could move in with us, but now I am not looking for a house to buy and so they are up in the air too.
I am more than fed up with all this crap. I can't have surgery with all this on my mind. Don't know if I need it yet, but if I do, I can't
I am really fed up and I can't take it anymore. I hardly slept last night and I have a migraine because of it. I wish he would be a man when it comes to paying the bills. I don't think that is asking too much!
My daughter and her boyfriend want to move out of their apt. I told them they could move in with us, but now I am not looking for a house to buy and so they are up in the air too.
I am more than fed up with all this crap. I can't have surgery with all this on my mind. Don't know if I need it yet, but if I do, I can't1 person likes this
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
2 May 08
I wish I could give you some helpful advice in this situation, but I can't. I know what you are going through, trust me. I have been out of work for four months now and everything with the bills is messed up. I am out of work because I hurt my foot and am just now able to walk on it. I will be trying to go back to work as soon as I can so that I can get things caught back up. Want my advice? Don't depend on him. Take care of it yourself.
1 person likes this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Sorry to hear you hurt your foot. Glad you are able to walk on it now. I hope you can get your bills straight and soon.
I have no choice but to depend on him. I can't work right now. I am back and forth with the doctor now to see what is wrong with my back. If I was working, we would be straight and in a new house by now.
When I was working, I paid everything and never had a problem.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
2 May 08
I know how you feel. I have been there before. My husband works seven days per week for us and I do also. We both work while we are sick also. I do all of our bills here also but my husband helps out on alot of other things. I would not stay with him either if he didn't help to advance us in life. I don't mind doing our bills and all of the figuring but I had to lay the law down to my husband that if we were going to stay together, he had to do his part for us to advance in life and if he didn't want to do that, then he was wasting mine and his time!
1 person likes this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Morning Steph,
That is exactly how I feel like it is a big waste of time. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I get screwed and I am tired of it.
I have money online, less than $100, and I am not touching it, reason, that is money for emergencies. If we need something it is there. I have had money I made on Ebay and as soon as he knew I was selling and making money, he'd skip a day of work, I had the money, so it didn't matter. Guess what it did matter, and we got in a lot of arguements about that too.
I have a migraine and don't feel to well right now and it is all because of stress. Stress with this and still waiting to see if my student loan will be dismissed and I am to a breaking point right now. I can't handle everything anymore, it is stressing me out
3 people like this
@wickedangel (1636)
• Dominican Republic
2 May 08
Icy, it is good that you rant here otherwise you would be ranting at him and perhaps say something that you don't really mean.
I am SO with you here honey, I know exactly what that is like. Mine used to do it all the time. We used to have along distance relationship at the beginning as I was studying in the UK and he used to be a diver. Then he stopped diving and stayed in Spain. He got a job as a gardener - it was only 3 hrs a day 5-6 days a week. And he would ring me in the UK and ask me to ring the guy in charge because he didn't feel like going in to work. I used to get so MAD. Just get off your butt and go was my attitude and then one day I just said 'enough'. If you don't want that job someone else will have it.
Anyway, that is all in the past. It is terrible when you know you have bills to pay and already hee has missed two days out of the month! Not good. He needs to get his act together. He is the bread winner in the family and he should be proud of it. He was a wonderful woman by his side, you both have dreams that are attainable so tell him to get his butt into gear and start acting like a man.
Perhaps you should stop doing the cleaning, the cooking etc.
Thanks for sharing this with us and I hope it gets better honey. We are here for you. BIG HUGZ
1 person likes this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Hi angel,
Thank you. I totally agree with you. He needs to get his butt in gear and do what needs to be done. Now he is feeling like everything wrong in the world is fault. I never said that. I said we are in this trailer because of him and we are stuck here because of him.
This was suppose to be temporary, we have been here since July 12, 2004 that to me is NOT temporary!
I did go on strike from cleaning, cooking, etc. I use to try even in pain and then I just said "Enough is Enough" he isn't doing what he should be doing to help, so why should I. I still don't he tells me things need to be done and I tell him, if he would help I'd be happy to do it
I can't do to much because of my back and he knows it, but he doesn't try to help as often as he complains about it and then follows up with I know I can do it myself. 
We need to talk without arguing and we aren't able to do that because of the stress. I want to talk to him tonight, but he just told me to leave him alone tonight, so there goes that.
I feel so sick right now. My head feels terrible and I am nauscious. I took a pain pill, and I think maybe that's what is doing it.
I can't do to much because of my back and he knows it, but he doesn't try to help as often as he complains about it and then follows up with I know I can do it myself.
We need to talk without arguing and we aren't able to do that because of the stress. I want to talk to him tonight, but he just told me to leave him alone tonight, so there goes that.
I feel so sick right now. My head feels terrible and I am nauscious. I took a pain pill, and I think maybe that's what is doing it.1 person likes this
@wickedangel (1636)
• Dominican Republic
3 May 08
Oh sweetie, so much frustration and rage ain't good for either of you. You are right - 4 years in a trailer isn't temporary by anyone's standard!
You know what would be good, just getting out for the day. Try and forget those bills and everything else that needs to be done. Just get out of the trailer and actually have FUN - remember what that's like? Sometimes our lives just get us down, down and then even more down as we think of things we need to do etc. I can so understand your position. Get hubby to get off his chair and think of you for once. Tell him you need to go out - even if it is for a picnic, doesn't have to be something expensive just somewhere where you can have a bit of time together and remember those first days when you were together you didn't care about bills and kids and pain and work etc. just being together was enough.
Take care of yourself honey and I really hope things sort themselves out. We are with you. BIG HUGZ
@ladysakurax (1161)
• Canada
8 May 08
I am sorry to hear this :/ I don't live with my bf yet but he never listens to me. Like I told him to not work on nightshift because I've done this already and it's really tiring. But no, he still wanted to go and he regrets it. I have nothing against men but it sounds like sometimes some of them are kind of stubborn and don't listen to our advices. My mom told me to never date a guy who's younger than me. Yet he is 6 months older than me and he gets on my nerves. But your husband, does he do this on a regular basis? If it only happens only this week, maybe you should let it go. It happens sometimes that you don't feel well and drag stuff. So just remind him about the bills and hope he will be more careful.
You mentioned cable, internet, etc, are these necessary? I remember when my mom wanted to buy a house, we saved alot. We didn't have the internet nor the cable. So maybe those are services you can remove to decrease your bill and save up more for your house. But if you need the internet for work or you have children who use it for school, then you might consider on keeping it. If your husband does this on a regular basis, things will be more difficult. If he would change, that would be wonderful but if he doesn't, you'll be enduring this for the rest of your life. But he doesn't sounds that bad compared to my dad. maybe you can borrow monney from the bank...
1 person likes this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
2 May 08
I know how it is when finances are tight. You're in the same situation as most of us! But in my opinion, any man who won't work to support his family is not much of a man. It's one thing for a man to have an illness or diability that prevents him from working, another thing when he just misses work because he's in a bad mood or just doesn't feel like going. You can't live on love, as you well know! It's probably not hate you feel, but resentment. He needs to understand that resentment can put a damper on love and destroy an otherwise great relationship.
@magentavalentine (51)
• United States
8 May 08
I'm sorry that your going through all of this, I can truly understand the tight finances and living situations that are not really what you want them to be.I try my best, not to thing about it, or get out the house for a few hours.
i know you said your back is hurt, is there any work at home type telecommute jobs that you could do a few hours a week,
that extra income could help get you into a better home.
Is there a job that can be done where you could make enough money to have the standard of living you want with him working part time?
Is there some type of specialy you have, that you could charge people to speak with you, or provide some type of coaching service or support? I'm just trying to think of things you can do without leaving the house to make money, due to your back hurting.
I hope that things get better between you and your man,and that you find some extra income so that you can move :)
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
2 May 08
Hello icy...
I am sure what you are experiencing is common to almost every couple!As long as love is present, no issues that can't be resolved! For me, I'd rather find time to sit down and talk about it, long terms plan about getting a house and things to pay off the bills on time and to be responsible in one's role as a couple. He maybe also experiencing same thing as you and just try to escape from it by recognizing his ill instead of working, you know! It's great that you are tough and strong woman, just talk about it and I am sure, you will always find a way to realize all your plans! Always remember, you are still lucky to have him, your job and good health, so, get your strenghth from that, every hurdles in life make us a better and stronger person!
1 person likes this
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
2 May 08
well, you have done good, you chose to vent on here, I assume rather than yell at him, that is good, it is good to get your feelings out by venting to those not in the situation so you have a clear head to speak to him. I would say just sit him down and have a calm heart to heart. If that doesnt work, then you have to make a choice, but I assume you are just venting and irritated right now, which is totally normal.
1 person likes this
@bluemars (952)
• Australia
3 May 08
Sweetheart there is plenty of things you can do until he gets his act together. The first thing is to disconnect the tv or some of the things that are costing money even maybe don't buy some food items, like the basic staples (the cheap boring stuff). See how long he can last living without good stuff. I mean he is depriving you of a better lifestyle sounds like it but he does not have to do that when he sound more than capable of sometimes sucking it in and dealing with the situation at hand. I think he needs to focus on his goal. You can still show you care and love him but just like he is denying you your dream of living somewhere decent, well you can deny him somethings by keeping a strict budget on things. That way you can save yourself a bit of money on the side too until he notices this is no way to live. If all else fails you can deny him what all men want from their woman if you get my drift. That makes me laugh but hey it is still a desire for all of them and we have desires but they don't stop in the bedroom right?
@Elixiress (3878)
•
2 May 08
Have you tried sitting down and talking to him when you's are both calm? This is something really obvious yet most people sit down and talk / shout when one of them is really annoyed and that solves nothing in most cases. If he knows how you feel and if he does not book up his ideas and pull his weight financially then you are better off without him since it doesn't sound as though you can sustain he both of you's yourself.
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
2 May 08
Hi Elixiress,
First congrats on making it to 500 posts :)
Thank you for the response. I have sat down and talked with him and he says he knows and agrees with me. He is the one that promised May would be the month to get things straight. I didn't ask him, he told me! That is what got me so mad at him is his own words to me bit me in the butt!!
I just figured out by calling our electric company and right now our electric bill is a regular bill. Don't know how, but it is a regular bill
I just have to pay the cable/internet a double bill as everything stands right now.
If I can depend on how I have it set up, the budget I have will work for us, but if he doesn't go to work 1 or 2 days next week, that will put us further behind.
He says he wants us to move out of this trailer, but there is NO ACTION of that.
I just figured out by calling our electric company and right now our electric bill is a regular bill. Don't know how, but it is a regular bill
I just have to pay the cable/internet a double bill as everything stands right now.
If I can depend on how I have it set up, the budget I have will work for us, but if he doesn't go to work 1 or 2 days next week, that will put us further behind.
He says he wants us to move out of this trailer, but there is NO ACTION of that.@Elixiress (3878)
•
2 May 08
Maybe remind him of what he said and tell him how it is getting you down and how you'd might not last that much longer if he doesn't start pulling him weight.
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
2 May 08
Your man is not your problem. You are your problem. You're frustrated because you can't go to work and you're taking it out him. One second you are sooo ready to leave your relationship, the next you would have left him by now if you were going to. You feel like you hate him, he's screwing you up, got you feeling trapped, you're fed up with him, he's a baby ... but, you love him, he loves you and he is good to you. Your man is just being who he's always been (and, by the way, I do believe that he has the right to feel something about his deceased father's birthday) You have changed because you're not working. You resent having to be more dependant on him and you can't stand the fact that he's not behaving how you would like him to. And, there's nothing you can do about it because you are not working. You feel trapped, out of control, aggravated, subjected to your man's irresponsibile ways .. all because you can't work. And, what can you do about it. Nothing, because you can't go to work.
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
8 May 08
No the problem isn't me, it is him. I would never leave him. I have been with him for 25 years and we do love each other. It just aggravates me to NO END that he thinks he doesn't have to work. He asks me EVERY week can I stay home. He did it today! He came home 2 hours after I told him NO we need the money!
That is where I get frustrated.
My father's birthday was on May 5th and when I was working, I didn't stay home and mope about it!
I am online making money. He helps me with shipping.
I in fact take the money I make online and spend it on groceries, etc. When we DO NOT have the money because of checks being short! That yes I resent! I am trying to save money for moving and it is difficult to do when I have to spend it instead of his pay check on groceries for us.
I have a doctor to pay for and testing I need to get done on my back and I can't pay for any of it with out bills doubled or tripled. I would like nothing more than to have just 1 bill to pay for each utility instead of calling every month to arrange payments.
His father took care of his mother, gave her the paycheck she took care of the household. He told me he wanted to do that when I got hurt. For me NOT TO WORRY and all I do is worry about the bills now. I have managed to straighten them out 3 times last year and I have to do it again. I am just tired that's all.
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
2 May 08
I'm sorry, i didn't mean to end it like that. but, maybe you could find some way to replace some of the meaning that working gave your life, until you can get back to work. You would be a lot more happier and less easily aggravated by your man. Your emotional state is all intertwined in the reason why you can't, and the fact that you can't, work. Maybe you could brainstorm some other things that you could do during your downtime. And, if you ever need to vent, of course you can do so right here.
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
8 May 08
I feel your frustration with having mutiple bills to pay and having to call and make payment arrangements. I know it's extremely aggravating and a bit depressing. Especially when there's two of you in the household, you think that your situation would be better. But, has he always been like this? Do you honestly think that he'll ever change? You've been with him for a very long time. I can see why leaving him wouldn't seem like an option. But, if you're not going to leave him and he's not going to change, I guess the only thing that you can do is find a way to become the breadwinner yourself - to find solutions on your own. He doesn't seemed to be bothered, at all, by your situation. Maybe he doesn't worry because he knows that you'll take care of things. I wonder what he would do if the lights got cut off, or you didn't buy groceries for him to eat. Would he, then, see the seriousness of the situation? I totally agree with the way that his dad did things. His dad seemed to value taking care of home. Unfortunately, that did not rub off on his son.
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
3 May 08
Okay his crew not showing up does not sound like his fault. Maybe he is depressed with the situation. Depression will also cause physical pains. I would show him the loss of money by the food that is put on the table. Example roman noodles, macaroni and cheese, really cheap meals then when he complains I would tell him that we had to pay bills and with two days missing this is all we can afford. This might put him in the right direction. Communication is always good too. Hate is a very strong word you do not hate him you hate his actions. You are frustrated and worried as most of us would be. Remember the saying MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVILS do not base your relationships about money. Sit down and make goals, example you both would like a house let him be part of the budget. Men are strange if they do not see it down on paper it is not attainable. Make sure you both strive for the same things. This could stop some of the arguements too. I sure hope some of this can help you. I have been with my husband for 22 years and I can honestly say when he complains about money, I just tell him we were not chosen to have a silver spoon in our mouths so we must work hard for everything we get, and yes sometimes this means we go without something to get the bills paid. Good luck! Remember it is okay to disagree with one another but each of you must keep an open mind on the others idea's and figure out what is best for your relationship.
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
8 May 08
Thanks grammasnook.
I don't hate him, but I hate the way he is. I sure wish he would pay attention to me when I try to talk to him about our bills. I be sure he knows where the money is going, all our bills and the amounts of all are on the calendar on the dates they are due. He looks there, to my surprise.
I try to make a budget to follow and to show him, but everytime I do it, I don't have enough money to follow it, so I gave up on it.
I will try once again after we get the bills to where I am only paying 1 at a time and not trying so hard to straighten them out. lol
Good thing we don't have a credit card, that would be terrible right now for us. We only have prepaid cards, so if the money isn't on there, we can't use it. lol
I use it for my online money :) That's my way of getting it offline and I only use parts of the money. I always leave money online for backup.
@mummymo (23706)
•
2 May 08
I know this isn't too helpful but for many of us worrying about bills and making payments on them is normal life! It does sound like your man could be a bit more responsible but then we all have out flaws and there is not a lot another person can do to change them! This week has been a bad week work wise but hopefully things will get better from here on in icyorchid! I hope that getting that off your chest helped as internalising things only leads to more stress and makes things worse in the long run! xxx
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 May 08
when I read this I remembered backto when we were first married
and it sounded a lot like my first year. I wasworking but he was working for himself and a lot of times he would take one or two days off and here was bills that had to be paid. I worked and when I felt ill I still worked as there were four of us to be fed.Finally one day I sat him down and told him I loved him but he had to be more supportive. so h did go to work for a restaurant and started makintbetter money. He was careful and I became the family bill payer . we did not have a lot to liveon but we were making ends meet. you need to have a similar heart to heart talk with your husband .be tactful and loving but make it plain to him he has to help support the family.
@DonnaLawson (4032)
• United States
2 May 08
I really don't know what to say.. I would be disgusted about it also.. It is hard enough to make ends meet as it is now, so with the missing days on his paycheck, it will be harder to pay and then to catch up.. I know that you will get lots of advice, some good and some bad, but as for me, I think that I would be for walking or at least make him think that I was leaving.. If that didn't wake him up to this matter, then he may have a bit more growing up to do.. Hope you work things out because this kind of stress isn't good for anyone concerned.. Good luck to you..
@sweetcanela (14)
• Canada
2 May 08
It not a easy thing when dealing when a mean won't take part in a relationship. I have married 2x. My first husband send me off to mexico so he can have fun with his new girls (we were married a year and he told me he had me so he had no reason to try any more wrong!!). Anyhow i met my new husband in mexico and he a great guy just like to spend money. Love to work but when it comes to spening ohhh boy. He gotten better and i did was sat down with him (No YELLING HAHAH) and talk to him in the nicest and in his term (in his language man seem to do better when you use stuff that is his belonging and toys)so he could understand what i am saying. I finally got threw to him and told him that without the money to pay things we are gonna be living on the streets. So he smarten and up and he doesn't spend as much just on occasion. So give that a shot. Put it in his point of view. See how that goes. GOOD job in posting here and not yelling at him!!
@Margaret12 (38)
• Philippines
2 May 08
Leave him!!! That's the best you can do. He's taking you for granted.
