I reach very low point yesterday
By trusko
@trusko (198)
May 2, 2008 4:22am CST
Im married for almost 10 years and we have 8 months old baby.
My partner said something yesterday, that was very ugly.
Almost everyday he mentions how he pays for everything. Im on maternity leave and I do pay for food and everything that our daughter needs.
If I say that I contribute my share, he says the only reason why Im able to is, because I don't need to pay for rent. And basically that Im not contributing, because he is in fact really paying for everything.
Than he goes on about how even before I was always financially dependant on him. I have always paid towards bills and paid for food. As all the bills were always in his name I found it easier to just give him each month sum and he could use it for whatever its needed.
My hubby always earned 3x more than I did. If he ever wanted to buy something for the household, he wouldn't really discuss it with me and he would buy it himself. Or would say we need this and next day went and bought it.
When I say to him, that if he was like this, than of course I just thought to myself, why bother.
So all the big things was bought by him.
On Mon I had a shower and switched the heater on as Im always cold even after I get out of a shower. I have bad circulation (always cold feet). Anyway he got upset about it. And again pointed out, that if I would have to pay for everything how I would like it and if I wouldn't ever say anything if I didn't like it. Fair point. But my shower was 5 min and I also do suffer from urine tract infections caused by me being too cold.
Then I said ok I wont use it, if I don't pay for it and he said Im not telling you you can't....... I think I missing something here, because to me that is exactly what he is saying.
I appreciate if he is stressed about money. But I would like to add that he goes and treat himself constantly to something new. Not long ago he bought big TV for the bedroom. To me that is indulgence, if you claim you have no money. And that is what he keeps saying. I have no money.
I understand also you want to treat yourself sometimes. But Im not exaggerating if I say, that almost everyday he purchase something on the internet. And no it isn't for "us".
I have said I will find extra work for now, until our daughter is big enough to be looked after by somebody else. She was born 2 months prem and is still small and vulnarable. But he says no point doing that.
So everyday Im stressed about this, because I feel like loser, because Im not bringing any money in. I also started to look for normal job now, because I can't take this anymore.
Anyway what happened yesterday. Not sure how it started, but again it came to that everything in this house is his. So I said well there are few things that I bought and I named them. And again he was saying that they are not mine, because I didn't contribute half of the rent etc.
Then I pointed out that every other weekend he is living off his parents. My hubby has 2 kids from previous relationship and they live in the same town as his parents. So because of the journey (about 70 miles), he stays there with them. So to me it's bit double standard, when he is staying there all wknd 2x a month and they feed them and he is not contributing. His parents are retired now.
You may thing, well that is what are parents for. But I don't agree. Not when you are 40.
So he went on to say, he doesn't need me and if I die tomorrow his life wouldn't be affected by that.
I get that he meant financially, but obviously it didn't came out like that. So I left and went for a drive. He did send text to say sorry. But when I got back he didn't say it to my face.
I can't stand this anymore. He didn't use to be like this.
I had so many things going on in my life lately. This, my baby, my dad died in Jan. Also all my family live in Czech and I have no support. So I feel like Im single mum really as my husband hasn't adjusted his life. He carrys on going out and play his sport. Which is nice, but it means, that few times a week he would come home 11ish if not later.
Also when he doesn't have his kids he goes out one day and also sat or sun half of day plays tennis with his friend.
Yes I should just leave, but it's not simple, because I have nowhere to go.
I can't go back to Czech for many reasons. Firstly I have some financial commitments in UK, so I need to deal with this first. Also not getting on that well with my mum and her husband. I couldn't ask them for support.
The rest of my family are fab, but I dont want to burden them.
Up to yesterday I believed I still love him, but Im not sure anymore. Im very sad about this, because we used to have great relationship and I felt very loved. I don't anymore.
So I feel like there is no solution for the moment and Im starting to feel very low. The only thing that keeps me strong is my daughter.
I would like to hear from somebody who maybe was in a similar situation.
Also would like to hear from guys who support their family how they feel about it?Thanks and sorry this is so long. But I didn't want to give you half of the story.
1 response
@venkat2002 (284)
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2 May 08
hi there,
Cheer up..theres nothing u cannot do in this world..guess what..my wife is a doctor and she had her practice up and going very well in India,and was even planning to do her higher studies..She is a career woman..but when we got into marital ties..she had to leave her place and come with me to UK leaving our country..so she had to close her practice..and after she came here..she had to clear so many exams and get license to practice etc...which is very stringent for overseas candidates..and im the sole supporter now for my family..i really feel guilty about spoiling her career..now she is waiting to get her license...and its a year gone by..she never complains about that and whenever i feel guilty,she just says me to be calm and everything wil be ok..i never complain about her not contributing to the family either...after all,she is my better half..and there is no dire necessity for her to earn..its so disturbing when she says she feels bad about not contributing to the family..make ur partner understand its the life u wanted to share it with him...and money is nothing in life.. make him feel loved too and also express yourself to him how it hurted u when he said this..cherish ur lovely moments together in life..make him really understand how much u love him..also talk to him and work out some plans of how efficiently u can manage ur finances..I leave all the financial management to my wife..though i would her suggest her what to do if she asks me..As far as i know,ladies are good in financial management than guys..all u need is a short break from the routine...just take a weekend break somewhere nearby or to a place u loved to hang up when u were in love..relax and enjoy..happy weekend..hope everything gets sorted out soon :)
@trusko (198)
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2 May 08
Hi Venkat, thank you for your response.
He know how much I love him (or loved him)
I tell him all the time. I know it's not the same, but I look after "his" house. I do all the cleaning cooking washing ironing food shopping etc.
I think it's too late now for anything. He feels the way he is for a reason.
Next week is my b'day and I know he will probably just say happy b'day and that would be it.
It would be nice to get away just the two of us, but nobody to baby sit our baby and also no money.
It's nice that there are people out there, who are not bother about the money.
To me love is what keeps you going and anything else will work out if you want to.
Hope you wife will get her license soon ;-)
@venkat2002 (284)
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2 May 08
Mmm..Cheer up..and try to have a heart to heart talk with him.. If u still feel its not going to work out,say that out too...but only after u get ur job..:) coz its the security of the kid thats more important..Anyways ...Advanced Happy birthday! :)and i pray,that ur huby changes his idea and get u some great gift for ur bday :)..may showers of blessings and happiness drench u always :)