Issues with my mother in law...
By hnguy012
@hnguy012 (5)
United States
May 3, 2008 10:24pm CST
My story is a little more complicated than what I will be describing here. My husband and I have been married almost a year and I have always have issues with his mother before we even got married. My problem is that, he's too close to his mother and she is still on his bank accounts rather than me. His excuse is that, because he needed someone to monitor his bank account while he was in bootcamp. This was way before we even met. It has been three years since we met and 1 year since we got married. I don't get it? I have brought up this subject with him before, but all he could say is that he doesn't want to argue with me about it. Then he went on and explained to me about the 'bootcamp' thing again and again. I am sick of it. I feel that his mother is a controling mother! She has three sons and my husband is the oldest. She controls my husband like her two grown sons, who are not married and one of them is still living at home. I don't feel it is fair for me. I am his wife, shouldn't I come first? What should I do? How should I handle this?
With that being said, she's a nice lady. She is nice to me and loves our son. It makes it harder for me not to be nice to her when she is nice to me. I am not sure if she's just pretending to be nice or is just a nice person. How does anyone get their mother in law out of their life? She calls my husband every other day! I just need to vent.. thanks for reading....
any advice is appreciated...
2 people like this
7 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 May 08
It is a shame he won't listen to your concerns. Have you spoken to your Mother in law about this? Perhaps she will see reason, when he won't.
Sometimes our husbands just need to hear things from another source than us, so perhaps a councelor.
You are his main family unit now, not his mother, he needs to cut the strings to her.
I understand your frustration, and I hope things work out for you. Best of luck.
1 person likes this
@padmameera (952)
• India
7 May 08
You were married only for one year. You said that your mother in law is a nice lady. She might be. I have to advice to you is that you also be nice to her. Be really very nice to her and love her like your own mother. Then she will have confidence in you and she could assess you that whether you can manage money matters and other house hold matters well. There is nothing like who comes first. The position of a mother and wife in one's life is different. Your mother in law was monitoring the bank accounts for many years, hence he can not ask her to stop this because he got married. But after some times, say 2 or 3 years and having confidence in you, he himself will ask you to deal with these matters. Never again argue this matter with your husband. if you need some money to spend for yourself ask him to give some pocket money (if you don't have a job) every moth and try to save some amount from that like invest some amount in some recurring deposit accout etc. This will make him and his mother realize that you are also brilliant in money matters.
@hnguy012 (5)
• United States
11 May 08
Hi everyone, thank you for responses. My husband's current paycheck and saving go into that bank every month. It is the only bank there is and that's where all his money goes. I have tried many times to ignore this issue so that we don't get into fights. But, now that we have a baby I don't feel that it's fair and I am having a hard time accepting his mother. I resent him for this, and I can careless about his mother. We share basically everything we own. He drives my car more than I do and have not paid a penny on it. I just gave birth to our son, so I hadn't been working. Now that I am working at home, he adds my name to his account. This account, with very little money in it, just enough for him to pay his car payment. The reason why he added me to this account is so he doesn't end up to pay the whole 600 for my car. He is willing to help me pay for it, but not pay it completely. I don't know if it's the trust issue or not, but it isn't fair for me. Now that I am at home taking care of our baby. I don't feel that he's being fair. I think his mother have trained him to be stingy. And this is why I find it hard to like her. For instance, we got married but didn't have the wedding ceremony. Instead of him getting me a ring, we bought a band instead. His promise is that he'll get me a diamond ring later. He was going to get me a nice diamond ring. But after talking to his mom, he decided to wait for his mom to bring the rings to us. The rings that were passed on to her from her mom, that have no value. She wanted him to put the diamonds together and make a ring for me instead of buying a new one. I have overheard their conversation. He told her that I know what she likes and she's not going to like it. She brought the rings anyway when she came to visit us. She brought it out of the open and asked me about the ring. I know her intention is not to have her son spend another dime on me. I was in shock, I didn't know what to say. I just say that we'd think about. I just have a bad vibe with her. I just know that she doesn't care for me like that. She's just pretending to like me in front of her son. I can't be nice to someone who I feel is being fake. When she was here visiting, we went to shop at the comissary and I was driving, she offered to take my ID out of my wallet. She opened my wallet and saw her son's credit card (same hometown bank)..She stared at it for a moment. I didn't know what to say to her but wondered why she can't take her eyes off of it. I told her that the card was to buy stuff for the baby in case of an emergency. My husband gave me his credit card, but only because it wasn't reading right and he got another one to replace it. Well, I just got tired of it, so I just gave back his credit card yesterday. I have tried, but talking doesn't do any good for us. Thank you for listening..
@vaishalik (237)
• India
5 May 08
It's your luck that she is nice, pretending or really, we don't know. Then why don't you try to be really very nice to her, cause you are not bad. Also it will be good example for your son & your husbond also.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
4 May 08
You need to sit down with your hubby and your mom in law
and have a heart to heart talk.tellher it hurts you to have her instead of you on his bank account. suggest that he is all
grown up so he does not need her doing his banking for
him anymore. maybe she does not even know he still has
her name on his bank account.You haveto stick up for yourself
and make yourself heard;they have to learn to respect you
as his wife.if he is afraid of mom its time he grows up.
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
4 May 08
Believe it or not I have a friend in the VERY same situation. She has been with her fiance' for 4 years. She has been living with him for 3. His mother is on all his accts and pays all his bills. Once a week he takes his paycheck to his mothers and gives her the money she needs for his bills that week. My friend refuses to marry him until this changes.
Beyond that my friend cares for his child all week while he works and even on weekends when he is busy. She has become the mother to this child. However, when there is a medical or school decision to be made he goes to his mom for help.
My friend is very frusterated. However I do not believe this is completely a matter of trust. I know this guy trusts his fiance' but he is a mommy's boy. We all know it. Most of their friends have known him since high school. He has always been like this with his mom. We love him but he has a very odd relationship with his mom. And she has always taken good care of him so he is comfortable with it. His fiance' has now told him that she is moving out and that she will not marry him until he is ready to break up with his mother. lol
His mother is super nice but she is very controlling. He is afraid of her as well as loving her. He thinks if he moves the resposibilities to him and his fiance' that his mother will retaliate in some way.
There is no good way to handle this. You can talk to him about it but these guys tend to become very defensive about their mom's because mommy has always done so much for them. If he trys to explain his way out of it, remind him that she filled a need before he was married and that now you are there to fill that need. Remind him that your marraige is between you and he and though he can still be his mother's son, she cannot continue to be his wife.
I wish I could offer more to you than the information that you are not alone. Good luck.
@mammamuh (582)
• Sweden
4 May 08
You have a issue with your husband....You can only blam him for having his mother on his accounts - he is an adult, even if his mother is controlling it's up to him to live his life - but I guess he WANTS to have his mother in charge.
I don't understand why you shouldn't be nice to your MIL
Take the fight with your husband :D
