Making efforts to make a relationship work.... Why??

It sounds to me like you just aren't ready to settle down or you just haven't found the one. And there is nothing wrong with that. If you aren't happy with the one you are with then you should end the relationship. I don't believe in changing who I am to be with someone though. I am who I am and if the person I am with doesn't like that then he can move on. I am not going to change myself into something I'm not just to have someone in my life. You do have to work at a relationship if you want it to last. But you shouldn't have to work at it constantly. There should be more natural days than more working days in a relationship. Like I said though, I wouldn't change who I was just to have someone. I would rather be single.

Here is my thought on this topic, if you have to continuosly work and work at making a relationship last, it probably isn't going to. There are many reasons for that, one being you already have a full time job and you don't need another one, also more than likely one party of the relationship is working harder than the other and will eventually give up. If you have to work so hard to make the relationship work, wait until you get married.

I know what you are saying Stella, I was there, working on relationships that was a complete waste of my time..I also didn't have good counsel and I was just looking for a long time commitment even when the guy wasn't..And if you at this time are not looking for a lifetime commitment, then you need to tell this guy so he can move on.. My best advice for you, knowing your beliefs is to pray about it..Give it to G♥d, pray for your future mate, teens and their parents are doing this today..Even if you have yet to meet your future spouse, G♥d knows who he or she is and your prayers will Bless not only them, but yourself too..

By the way, you say you will make the effort when you are married, but how do you know who you will be married to if you are not making the effort from now to nurture a relationship? How can you get married when you have no relationship to lead to a marriage? You won't be any different then either because we don't just change ourselves overnight in some perfect time from what we are now. Our personalities always remain the same. We make the future from today, not from tomorrow. So whatever you want then, has to start being built from now. Nothing will magically happen when you wish it.

hello stella1989, i can honestly say that what you are feeling is just normal at your age and though some matured easy (not that i am saying you're not) what i mean is they are looking ahead beside what they have now and want to make sure they are doing what they feel is best for them. you have to understand that not all will behave and view stuff the way you do so you cannot judge them NOR them judging you coz we are all different individual. as far as i can tell from your post that you are still young and you havent found the right man yet that you will say that this is the ONE. you have to remember a marriage start from dating and getting to know each other, if you cannot make things work during those period how can you tell if that will work when you guys get married? the dating process helps you see and understand each other and know what are the stuff that will work best for you and him. we dont have to change someone nor we have to change to make a relationship work. we just learned and over time we dont even realized we are already a changed person. a relationship needs a good foundation and one of them is communication coz without it or even just little of it will affect tremendously in your future relationship be it a dating period or a marriage already. here is something i want to tell regarding "making the marriage work", it is like dating in my own opinion. if you have tried everything to make things work and still not working then get out of that relationship, if your husband is beating you or harming you physically and emotionally then there is no excuse of such relationship and trying hard to make it work is not gonna happen coz it is bound to end. you have to make sure you love yourself as much as you love your partner and will give the same respect with yourself as well. trying so hard to make something work only last for awhile, i dont know about the others but i have seen this run in my family and they always end up being hurt more in the end. i have learned that a marriage and even just the dating period is more enjoyable if you just be yourself and you dont have to pretend to be someone you are not, same goes with your partner. change only happen if we want to BUT we cannot ask somebody to change for us, no matter how hard you try that person will do what he wants in life and will only change if he chose it for himself. we cannot mold someone with the figure we have in mind for them, that is not real love nor a real relationship. a happy relationship, knows how to support the one they love and give them the wings to fly and be themselves while enjoying the process with them. to end this, some people assume that their present boyfriend/partner will be their last so they tried so hard to make things work, i dont agree with it but that's how they want to live their life all i can do is just remind them and let them see themselves in the mirror without judging them. anyway you're young so it is ok to pick and just have fun but be sure of being considerate as well coz there is another person involved and their future may be affected by the way we treat them with the NOW. takecare and i wish you all the best.

Well stella, I was moved by your happenings. First of all It is very dishartening to bear the burnt of a relationship. Let alone the fallout of the failed relationship. The time is something which will heal all wous. I'm confident you will tide along this rough paches untill you are interested to know what happened with my life If yes I 'll say you are so fortunate afterall.

there is nothing wrong in the way you think untill and unless you let your partner know what is in your mind. if you get into a relationship just to break it in a couple of months, i dont see a point as to why you should be getting into a relationship.. by following this practise what i feel is it will become a lot difficult for you in the future to make your marriage work..so in that sense your sister is absolutely right..

I have seen how people that change them selves to make their partner like them, only to have the old self come back and kick butt. I do not think you are a bi#ch at all but you do need to get your priorities straight before accepting a relationship offer from some one. that way you will not waste your or their time. It is sort of like some one always buying a blue cloth bag because it is readily available when in their heart and mind nothing but a Black kid leather with silver hardware, and long shoulder straps is what you really want and need. Do not accept substitutes only look for and find the real thing I love this discussion as I am going through the same thing myself and now have decided to accept only my wants/needs Thank you

Let us look at the positive side of your approach first. You say that you do not want to exert in your relationship, you do not want to be permanent or say everlasting in your relationship and do not want to get married to the present guy and you have told him clearly. You see you are transparent and clear in your heart, you have told everything very honestly to your presnet boy friend. Now, it is upto him to continue relationship with you. I believe, honesty in a relationship is very important and if you are going to break the relationship, with prior information, I think there is no harm, because that guy would have preapred himself mentally for the ensuring break up. But loot at the other side, do you leave (break up your relationship/friendship) your (girl) friends like this? If you make girl friends, do you feel that friendship should be temporary and for certain period of time, after that you can break it up? I feel, if you make good friends either boys or girl, try to stengthen the relatioship, as 'friends', you may take your own time to befriend anyone. I feel entering into 'temporary' relationship will not help you in the long run. You can be selective in your approach, while making a new girl or a boy friend, but my humble suggestions is - Please do not see the relationship as a time pass, go for 'everlasting relationship and with some commitment' then you would be more happier in your life. It is just a suggestion, please do not take it otherwise, you are free to take your own decision and choose your path.

I kind of disagree with you on some level. I believe there are no two people completely match each other. Adjustments or compromises have to be made if you want a relationship to work and last. Actually it is a way of showing that you care and love someone. It is sweet. I am not saying that we should totally change ourselves to please others. But the extremly opposite means you are selfish and self-centered. So try to change more or less from your heart for others. You will be more popular.

i got into that situation already and its really frustrating and tiring to get involved with such situation to try working it out...it'll never last...mine did not last till i finally gave up and sad goodbye to my other party...only for me to realize that it wasn't his fault of trying it too hard to work on the relationship and put on some pressure towards me to work hard like he does...i was pretty young that time...but right now turning 24 i realize its worth the hard work and till now i still keep on looking back and wondering what if? what if i tried to work it out harder...i remember him saying, sometimes you feel like you don't want it anymore but if you try to see and solve and exert some effory to work it out and see the real root whats causing you to feel that way...then you would realize it better that you give it another shot...now i'm into this kind of thinking since the time i left him...

It seems that you fear commitment and so you concentrate on special moments while deliberately ignoring the future. Yes, it would be all about your needs because that would make the other person feel very insecure and find it difficult to make plans or do anything with you in mind. But each relationship in our lives only works when it is allowed to take effect in its own way, to unfold how it needs to be. It might last three months, or it might last a year, or even 20 years. But at least it will do it without being forced. The minute we try to control our relationships we only end up being more unhappy and hurt than we could be. You seem to fear someone really loving you and valuing you, and so you push them away first before they they have time to really settle in with you. That helps to keep you in control and directs the relationship the way you wish it to go. But if you do that too often, you will rob yourself of a life because you won't give anything a chance to develop and people will just keep leaving you rather than getting to know you. You need to start loving yourself, telling yourself what a wonderful person you are, that you deserve love and are capable of loving someone else too before you can really appreciate your relationships. Deep down I sense a lot of fear about your life and your future. I think you believe you are not worthy of being loved, you probably dislike yourself in some way, and so reject others quickly before thy reject you so that you feel in control. But love does not take at all. Love is all embracing. It GIVES. And when we are controlling, we are not giving anything because we are not trusting either. Everything has to be on our own terms. The minute there is no trust, no respect for the other person's feelings, and no compromise in a relationship, there is no love - and no real relationship either. Just two strangers living in an accommodation with one another for convenience sake. Next time you meet someone that you really believe you love, ask yourself what that 'love' really means for you? Because loving and giving is not about ourselves, but about our partners, and if they take the same giving attitude, that would be a tremendous relationship. If you ignore that person's feelings in favour of your own, you don't really love them. As to your friend having to change herself for her boyfriend and the relationship, that's not good. When people truly love us and care for us they will accept us as we really are, warts and all. They will believe we are the greatest, no matter how we look and act, and celebrate our presence. They will not find fault, try to make us over, or ask us to be what we are not. Otherwise we will always feel inadequate and cannot measure up to other people's expectations. Sounds to me as though your friend should be getting out of there pretty fast, not working even harder to rob herself of more self-esteem.

I don't think it's bad not to work at a relationship that you don't intend on staying in. Especially if you are pretty young. I would however pay attention to constructive criticism. Don't just change to appease someone else. But if you have things about yourself that can be improved, take an objective look at it. These are the things we can learn from short and long term relationships.

You're not being a beeyotch and its perfectly normal to feel that you don't want to settle down just yet as you may have your reasons for not wanting to. It maybe you still want to enjoy being single, or you want to focus on your career, or basically you just want to have some fun while you're still young. No shame in that. Alas, making a relationship work does not require some effort for when you feel deeply for someone it shouldn't feel like you're making an effort. Am I making any sense?:P Anyways, if it's starting to feel that you're trying so hard to make the relationship work, then there's something wrong. Just be happy, girl! Life is too short.

you should not waste time trying to mend a relationship which cany work so best is to end it

Hi Stella Nice to see u alive after long time every relation is based on trust and commitment, and sure as no two persons are alike so minor adjustments are always theit to relation get going. either its long relation or short term relation u r just planning to have happy moments of life but dont want to marry, again minor adjustments will make it more memorable. U know what Stella, Adoptabilty is best feature one have. Wish u all the best Take care

The point is, if your relationship at work continues to the next level, aka marriage, it would create a whole new situation for the couples, both of them are rather restricted in someways, it will be alike to lost in total freedom at your place of work.Wouldn't that be bothersome?