My 14 Year Old Son Hates Me...!!!
By jessigirl116
@jessigirl116 (848)
United States
May 4, 2008 4:29pm CST
So I figure I must be doing my job as a parent, right? Isn't that how it goes? Here's what happened- A few weeks ago, I found out that he has a girlfriend. We live in a small town so I am very familiar with this girl. She is a relatively good girl with relatively good grades. That's not the problem. The problem is that HE'S 14! He has been spotted by several people holding hands and kissing in broad daylight uptown in public. I let him have a girlfriend before and didn't really say much because his girlfriend lived in southern California(she is a good friend of a good friend of our family) and the only contact they had was on the phone or computer. I thought it was the best relationship for him for his age.
Anyway, the rule is, and has always been, no girlfriends until you're old enough to drive. 16 is about old enough to make decisions like this, I guess. I don't know for sure, I've never had to parent a 16 year old boy before, so how would I know? I do know this- my boy has been raised making his own decisions that have progressively gotten bigger as he has gotten older. Choosing what to wear, what he wanted for lunch, what sports he wants to play, which friends to hang out with, being in Algebra instead of Pre-Al because the teacher thought he was ready and so did he. I have always asked him what he wanted to do, what did he think was best, and let him go with his choices. This school year was no different. His grades have steadily dropped, his teachers are concerned, his attitude has went downhill rapidly, he doesn't follow my instructions, if his friends suggest he do something and it sounds better that what I have asked of him, he goes along with the friends.
Now he hates me because I'm putting my foot down. I told him that he has to break up with his girlfriend or I will do it for him, he will be chauffeured to and from school, to and from track practice(which thankfully ends this week), no phone privileges, he doesn't get left home but now has to go where I go, and no more friends unless they are people I have approved of.
Am I wrong? This might be a very small town and I might find out things through the grapevine, but that's not how you raise your child, that's how other people raise your kid. We all watch out for each others kids, but I'm not doing my part in watching out for this girl. If I saw her making out with some boy, I'd tell her mom. She's 14!! I don't think her mom would like knowing(if she doesn't already) that she is behaving like that in plain view. Not that we want them to hide it, we don't want them doing it!!
I'm not sure how else I should go about this. A good friend of his is very concerned, he doesn't even want to hang out with my boy mostly because the people he hangs out with have crappy attitudes and it's rubbing off on my boy. My boy has very little respect for me. He is outright rude with his heavy sighs, crinkled eyebrows, walking away(or trying to), but he never cusses at me, doesn't say he doesn't care what I say, his disrespect is more subliminal and behind my back. He has zero respect for my boyfriend(of 4 years) and I already know why. My son lost his father when he was almost 5 and now he is trying to incorporate that into his attitude and also, as far as he is concerned, my boyfriend is just someone that his mom is sleeping with and has no authority. I know he thinks that, I can tell. He has not had very consistent male influences so why should this one be different? I blame myself for that.
None of this changes the fact that he is 14 and is not old enough to have a girlfriend. Right?? Am I on the right track? Am I ruining my relationship with my only boy? Am I setting the right example for my daughters who are both younger?
Thank you for your input...
7 people like this
21 responses
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
5 May 08
No you are not on the right track. You are losing your boy and losing him fast if you don’t change yourself fast enough. Since childhood, you have let him have his way and now suddenly you cant stop it overnight. Your only hope lies in befriending him and not confronting him. Believe me, once they say they don’t care, they really don’t. so before that day comes, reach out to him. Forget your personal egos and your personal problems. Inside he is just an adolescent awaiting guidance which he is not getting at home and hence he is looking for it among peers. By guiding I don’t mean shouting and instructing him to stop seeing this girl. Instead, why don’t you invite her over? If she is indeed a good girl with good grades, why don’t you help in nurturing this relation which may improve your own son’s attitude and grades too. As a woman, you know it very well how influential we girls are over our men and she may just help him improve himself. Only thing is that you will have to accept her in your son’s life. And children being children will find ways of doing things that they are not supposed to. So instead of having daily show-downs at home and having the neighbours inform you about their whereabouts, why don’t you take them in confidence? You can talk to her mother too, try and make it all in a family like situation. Regarding your boyfriend, you are correct in the fact that since your child hasn’t had any male influence since childhood, he doesn’t care for any. But please do remember that respect has to be earned, it cannot be forced upon. Your bf has first got to respect your son, after all its your son’s home and private space he is intruding upon and not the other way round.
Regarding your daughters, I think they would be more open to you when they reach adolescence and in turn you maybe able to guide them better towards more fruitful choices regarding their future. Basically, the times are such that we cannot take our children’s respect for granted. We always have to change our outlook so that they come and tell us everything.
Best of luck on a really tough situation.
3 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
12 May 08
Well I guess you are her son (I couldn’t really understand in the beginning as you are using the same name as her) and I am glad you wrote back for a clarification. As a mother myself and remembering my own teenage days, I can tell you this much that she has no intention of making you unhappy or taking away your social life. She only worries for your future. As I came to know thru her post, you are faring badly in school (I am not mincing words here) and she thinks that your gf and social life are distracting you at a time when you are moving towards adulthood. My gentle suggestion would be to strike a bargain with her: tell her quietly and firmly that you promise to lift your grades, do well in studies and she should allow you your gf. But see to it that you live up to your promise. Adolescence is the time of reckless energy, curiosity, fun and wild adventures (I do remember mine) but do keep in mind that studies are important for a good career – you wouldn’t want to spend your life running after good jobs, would you? And money is important – believe me it is. And only a good job pays good money and only education gives you a good job. So have all the fun you want to, but do remember that a lady is worrying about her son’s future and you cant take away that right from her. Instead, you have to convince her of your seriousness regarding career and set an examples for your sisters too.
1 person likes this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
I think you're a bit wrong. I did stop it overnight. He isn't going to be running loose, he is incredibly sheltered at this point, and he has come to the realization that he did this to himself. I know that people think he is just pacifying me, but he really has no choice but to conform, even though I've always tried to teach him to be a non-conformist. Thanks for your comment.
2 people like this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
9 May 08
this is her son and i think your right. and she thinks that she stopped it overnight and in a way she did but she also thinks that its going to make me have to respect her more or somthing but i font see how im going to respect her when she is talking away my entire social life. and i also thinks that its wrong that she makes me break up with my gf and then wont even let us hang out even as friend. but she tells me that ive never given her any reason not to trust me. tell me how that works.
1 person likes this
@Conring5 (10)
• United States
5 May 08
You are right! I went to my Pastor at church one day in tears because my 10 year old tells me all the time that he hates me! I am a single Mom so I used to take it hard when he would say that to me. Well my Pastor told me " If your child does not tell you atleast once a week that they hate you, then you are not doing your job right". I agree with you that 14 is too young to have a girlfriend. The problem these days with kids is that parents just don't care what their children do as long as they don't bother them. That is why there are SO many girls getting pregnant at such a young age. As far as the way he acts towards your boyfriend.....Well you are the adult and I would be darned if I would allow a 14 year old kid treat my boyfriend like he has no authority. He can live his life as he chooses when he turns 18 AND moves out. But until then he needs to live by your rules. You are not ruining your relationship with your son. One day he will come back and thank you for being so involved in his life. He doesn't feel that way now, but he will when he graduates college, gets married and has kids of his own one day. Good Luck!
3 people like this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
My kids have never been allowed to say 'I hate you' to anyone, ever. The boy will not risk his teeth to say it out loud. I'm sure he doesn't 'hate' me, but I know he wants to. Also, he won't disrespect my boyfriend out loud, just around his friends. I talked to him about that, as well. He only wants to play the 'daddy' card because most of his friends have one and he doesn't. He has always been O.K. about losing his dad, it happened before he turned 5, he doesn't remember any of it, but now he tries to play it against me like it's a status thing. He loves my current boyfriend, he really does, just not when he's enforcing rules that I put down. Ben has known him since long before we even got together. They play video games together, paint ball, Dungeons & Dragons, the Magic card game. They get along fine, Ben just tends to forget(his prerogative) the good things. Nick spoils that boy and he tends to be overly nice to him. Ben picks and chooses when he wants to like him and when he doesn't.
Thanks for posting.
@emeraldisle (13139)
• United States
5 May 08
You allowed him to have a girlfriend before when it was a distance one and you were "comfortable" with it. I doubt you explained to him the difference though at the time. Your son is growing up and you need to accept this. Many kids when I was in school twenty years ago were dating at 14 and they still do today. My niece turns 14 next month and has a boyfriend. They mostly just hang out together but they go to the school dances and such. They do kiss but that's it. She does talk with us about things. I'm glad she feels she can but there are times when I don't want to know. 
Now the attitude and behavior yes you need to put your foot down on. He should not be allowed to be disrespectful nor to allow his grades to suffer. He needs boundaries but just remember he is growing up and those boundaries need to be flexible as well. If you are too strict they will cause him to want to break them even more the first chance he gets. You have trusted him to make his own choices in the past. To suddenly treat him like he is five again will cause problems. The not letting him be alone at all, the no phone, the no girlfriend, and the driving too and from school is going a bit over board.
Now the attitude and behavior yes you need to put your foot down on. He should not be allowed to be disrespectful nor to allow his grades to suffer. He needs boundaries but just remember he is growing up and those boundaries need to be flexible as well. If you are too strict they will cause him to want to break them even more the first chance he gets. You have trusted him to make his own choices in the past. To suddenly treat him like he is five again will cause problems. The not letting him be alone at all, the no phone, the no girlfriend, and the driving too and from school is going a bit over board. @jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
Just so you know- it was thoroughly explained why it was ok to have the girlfriend in California. Every time he has mentioned a girlfriend, I've told him he is not old enough, I've reminded him about the age rule. I have not allowed him to be disrespectful, he has consequences when he gets out of line. The grades and behavior is why I cut him off the people he claims as his friends. He doesn't cut school or sneak out...yet. I really don't think he will, for now he is afraid of what I will do to him WHEN, not if, he's caught. I'm not treating him like he's 5, by the way, he broke a big rule that has been in place for as long as he can remember. I was letting him run his own show, but he showed me what he is capable of, so I stepped back in. Maybe if more parents put their foot down and get tough with their kids, we would have more productive teenagers. Too many teens are off the hook, and I think it's directly related to the fact that 'they' took out parental rights to beat the crap out of our mouthy, disrespectful, out of control kids. But, that's another post!! By the way, keeping him under my thumb is working great(no sarcasm).
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
9 May 08
hey thanks for the comment. this is her son ben. about her telling you things that you dont want to know... i wish my mom was like that. i can see her point but she seems to think that EVERYTHING that is my business is her business. and its not like i ever hide anything from her. ever. but she dont think so. so she takes my phone at random times JUST to read my texts. and excuse me if you dont agree but i think thats pushin it. i mean i tell her everything anyways
@callarse1 (4783)
• United States
12 May 08
Of course he is going to hate you...we always hate our parents when we were teenagers. First, you need to tell him that you have already had the rule that he has to be sixteen to have a girlfriend. He has to learn to respect people...he has to learn to do good with his life. Perhaps he should talk to a teacher/mentor/preacher? His actions should be monitored and he should be respecting your boyfriend. You all should have a talk...and perhaps his friends need to talk to him, too.
Pablo
1 person likes this
@callarse1 (4783)
• United States
12 May 08
aw that's nice. Perhaps we'll have to look out for his discussions. It's good that you all are talking and that he is listening.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
12 May 08
Thanks. This whole conversation has opened my eyes a bit, but I think it has been better for my son. I didn't start this post with any thought to my son reading it, I did it for my own peace of mind. I have been talking to him more this week and he has been talking back(in a good way), so that's positive. I know he has been getting back into the church thing all on his own, I asked why he quit going but I never told him he had to go. Friday night he stayed at a friend's house and was 15 minutes early getting home. He got to go to a friends house yesterday and was late getting home because he wasn't paying attention. So more good than bad has come of this and I'm hoping it will stay that way. One more thing- the boy's username is soupspoon911.
1 person likes this
@shobhan51 (376)
• Malaysia
5 May 08
You have written quite a lot. Probably it is bugging you. Well I hope I don't disappoint you by writing anything that may hurt or offend you. Well to tell you the truth, the world would be perfect if everything fell in place like what we want. Unfortunately, things don't go that way. Your son is giving you a challenge and it is how you take this challenge that decides his future and your capacity as a parent to deal with the situation.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
Welcome and thanks for your input. My son has been challenging me since birth. I win the challenges by giving in on the little things(only after I've given an explanation as to why I'm relenting), but standing on principle while not giving in on the big issues. He has never been, or been allowed to be, less than a 'B' student. He is smart and has always expected great things from himself. I don't understand how I can be the bad guy because I'm trying to enforce the rule that he maintain that high standard of himself.
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
7 May 08
I can completely understand your concern for your son. However, you should try to look at this from your son's point of view for a moment. He is 14. He is going through or had already gone through puberty. He is naturally thinking more about girls and more about his mom and school. What you have found yourself in the middle of is a typical teenage power struggle. You have taught him to think for himself and make his own decisions, so you have been sending the message that, "I trust you to make the right decisions. You can be responsible for your own life." It looks like he is starting to heed that message and move forward. Then, you tell him that he can't date this girl. I think it is only natural that he start rebelling against your authority. Every teenager does this. I can only tell you that the more you tell him he can't see this girl, the more he will pull away from you and the more he will try to see her without your knowing about it. You have to decide if you really want that. Do you want him sneaking off after he goes to bed to go meet this girl secretly or do you want him to be honest with you about what he is doing. Have you thought about trying to compromise with him? I understand that you think he is too young to date, but do you really want him to alienate you even more the harder you push against this relationship with his girlfriend? Try being honest with him. Let him know that you think he is too young to date. If you are prepared to make a compromise, you could tell him that you don't think he is old enough to start dating, but that you will allow him to continue to date this girl as long as he is honest about where he is going, he keeps his grades up in school, and he starts treating you with a little more respect. There really is no right or wrong answer here. The other way to go would be to strong-arm him, give him some discipline, and forbid him to see his friends or this girl. The second option will probably make him pull farther away from you and resent you even more, though. Good luck with your situation.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
Fortunately, I already explained that I would probably be more inclined to change my mind if I saw more out of him, better grades and better behavior. He is trying, so far. The school year is almost over and he spends his summers in Nebraska, so he has a while to change his priorities. We will see what his Freshman year brings. I can't trust him just now based completely on what he has shown in the last few months. I do not tolerate low grades, being ineligible for sports, disrespecting teachers, teasing kids based on things they can't fix(having a big nose, bad teeth, a drunk mother). This is just a few of the things on a list of no-nos that he has done in the past few weeks. I'm not sure how much more I can compromise with him. Thanks for posting.
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
8 May 08
Well at least you have that much going for you with your son. Just remember that this will eventually pass and you can go on with your lives. If his grades fall, though, or if he starts behaving badly, it might be time to start taking away privileges.
1 person likes this
@freak369 (5113)
• United States
5 May 08
If it is rippling over into other things like grades, attitude and chores then it needs to stop. It might take more than a few years for him to realize that the only reason you are being strict is because you care. It might hurt now but in the long run he will see he's much better off having a parent that cares rather than one that wants to be "cool" and let him do what he wants.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
8 May 08
Short and sweet- that's the best explanation for the things I've been saying for the past 6 days. I told him that he wouldn't be mad at me forever, he said he'd take my word for that. All his friends seem to think I'm a cool mom, but he thinks I'm whacked out. Teenagers. Who invented those?? They should be fired!
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
5 May 08
That's a novelty...
Who ever told you that making your children hate you makes you a good parent?
Having your children respect you makes you a good parent.
You did leave your son on a loose leash for years... because you felt that whatever mistake he would make as a young boy... you could fix.
Suddenly... he is not a young boy anymore. He is a teenager... and you are scare. So you want to take away all the freedom he has been accustom to. Of course he is going to hate you for doing that. If someone took your freedom away and changed your life... you would hate him to.
Don't blame your son. He is only doing what you taught him to do. That is "Do whatever you like". And you are going to have an impossible job in reversing that. It takes talent, diplomacy and a heck of a lot of talk. Arguing with him is a waste of time. You will lose everytime. You are now the ennemy and he would rather die than admit that you are right.
You have to be the teacher... and teach him by example why it would be wrong for him to have a girlfriend at 14. And why it is important to keep his grades up. Don't yell at him... talk to him again and again until he listen to you.
Use bribes and rewards if you have to. But whatever you do... do not confront him head on and argue with him. If you make him hate you now... he will hate you for the rest of his life... or at least for the next 20 years.
And don't worry... you are not the only one in this situation. Thousand of parents get themselve in the same situation because they fail to establish the law when their children are young. Respect is what it is all about. When you have respect... your child will never say "No" to you... not even at 20.
But you have to earn their respect. You won't get it by using brute force or verbal abuse. You have to be the teacher.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
I know Ben doesn't actually 'hate' me, but I know he's super pissed. Don't be under the impression that he's been 'loose leash' all his life, he has had a tight leash. His leash had been loosened based on his behavior. He has always been trustworthy. My reasoning is not from jealousy or control, I put down a rule based on my own choices and he's mad because I won't give in and let him have his way. I also don't converse with him about this by yelling, I try to explain and get him to understand. He is an arguer and he thinks he can 'smart' argue. He thinks he's smarter than everyone else and he does make good points, but he misses the biggest points- I'm the mom, I make the rules, the rule is solid. This is about me not giving in to him. I established rules before they were even born and some have changed due to circumstances, but since his grades and attitude got so bad, I've reinforced rules and that's what he doesn't like.
Thanks so much.
@mom24wv (1)
• United States
12 Sep 09
I'd like to know how things have turned out since last year. My 14 yo just moved out to be with his dad. Basically he was doing everything you described with your Ben. Shoot, I could have typed that except my ex has been around when it's convenient. Of course, mom has rules and dad is just there for the good times, always with an open wallet. How my son says he wants nothing to do with me and just live with his dad. Hard pill to swallow when this is the same man that said "I hope you lose it!" while I was pregnant, had nothing to do with him as a baby and little as a child, I named him, and I had to instruct dear ol dad to YES come be with your son when he is having an emergency appendectomy! GRRRRR for all that, I receive this as my reward.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
12 May 08
oh wow, it sounds like i could be writing this! although her father and i have been married for 20 years, my 14 (tomorrow is her bday) is the same way. she has a stinky attitude and has a boyfriend right now and while we keep telling her, she is too young for one, she doesnt listen either. her grades are ok, (not doing well in math, but it is getting better) - i just think she is too young to get serious about anyone right now.
1 person likes this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
12 May 08
Happy birthday to your daughter. I have one that turned 12 on the 9th. Taurus girls are not so easy, my other girl is an Aries and she's 10. I know I have big trouble coming.
I recently had to inform my girls that birthday parties and presents are not required(Christmas included). There is not even a law that states that we have to say 'Happy Birthday', so if your daughter wants to have a bad attitude you can have one too. I reason a lot with my kids, if they want to behave crappy, so can I and they will get the short end. It doesn't take them long to understand that it's their mistake and they need to correct it. I have no problem admitting my mistakes and doing what I can to correct it. I also have no problem pointing it out to them.
Thanks for posting.
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
5 May 08
Yes you are wrong! You cannot legislate Love! You have put your son behind the 8 ball, and knocked him into the Pocket! He is stuck, with no place to go! Put yourself in his shoes! what would you do?
Your only recourse is to sit down with him and explain the facts of life. If he does go all the way he needs good advise on disease and birth prevention. You must brush aside the embarrassment and talk Man to man (so to speak) with him. Make him feel like an equal (which he is)
Some kids grow up early, and they do not deserve to be punished for this! He Is Old enough to have a gf. and he's is in love with her! Take it or leave it, there is nothing you can do about it! He needs your love now more than ever! I hope this helps the situation and relieves the tension thats in your Family!
1 person likes this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
9 May 08
thank you barehugs.this is her 14 year old son. my name is Ben and i thank you soooo much for your support for me on the subject.it makes me feel really good that SOMEONE is on my side. the only problem is that my mom wont even reconsider what she did. and i'm pretty sure after reading everyones comment shes thinking that she may have made a bad choice. but shes not showing it. she seems to not really care much at all that if, as she says, all she wants as my mom is for me to be happy, shes not doing to good of a job. maybe eventually she will realize to let love be.
but thanks anyways again for your support.
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
5 May 08
It's bad if his school grades are dropping. Really bad. I'm 19 and I still remember when I was in high school some of the people were sexually active and there were actually some girls that were pregnant at 14. I am no one to judge but it just seemed wrong. You would see all these girls and boys holding hands and making out all over the place. But each person to their own. I can't tell you how to raise your child but I do know that if his grades are dropping then you should talk to him and see what happens. I think that you are a good parent because you are at least caring about his education and trying to get him to do better. So do not doubt your parenting skills. He's 14 so it's probably a lot of peer pressure from some of his friends or something. Good luck with this.
1 person likes this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
Thanks for your support. I'm aware of what kids are doing these days, that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. There have been several girls in my town that got pregnant before age 16. The girls weren't the only ones in the wrong, but boys get less blame. People remember the 'pregnant girl' but people don't quite recall the 'father'.
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
7 May 08
I undersand exactly. And the thing is that it takes two to tango and most of the times the girls that end up pregnant are the ones that most people blame.
@phillygirl606 (1112)
• United States
12 May 08
Welcome to the teen years. I have not reached that stage yet and still have a few years before my son hits teens. But I do remember my mom dealing with all 3 of us when we hit the teens. Your doing the right thing by putting your foot down. My advice though don't make the leash to tight so to speak. You still need to give him some space and let him choose his friends. If you start making all his decisions he will come rebellious and sneaky on you.
Give him some incentives. Tell him when his grades come back up he can have the phone back. If your putting your foot down on him and he sees no end in sight it is just gone to make things worse. He will resent you in the long run, and things will eventually just get worse with him. If your not letting him do anything I would start worrying about him cutting classes. He is gone to find a way to have a little freedom, even if he has to break a rule.
You gone to have these same problems with you daughters when they hit their teens, but it gets worse with girls sorry but its true, at 14 they are gone to want boyfriends, make up and tight clothing. Now my mom never had a problem with us dating at that age, nor with the make - up. But not many girls were getting pregnant when I was 14 either. Dating seemed different them although it doesn't seem that long ago. Back than dating was with one of our guys friends who we always hung with, only difference was now you held his hand. But when we walked down them stairs in tight tops and short skirts she was like heck no. Me personally I do not see a problem with dating at the age of 14, go meet her parents, all of you's have a sit down and outline the rules. Let them know that if grades begin to slip again, or even the slightest attitude change and it's all over.
Your son was a little older when this man came into your life, The boyfriend. Of course he has gone to have issues with him. I think that is just normal, even if your guy has been around for 4 years.
Things will probably get worse before they get better, and from what I remember about myself, my brother, my sister and all my friends when we were that age it's pretty much normal. You also got to keep in my at the age of 14 puberty is setting in and he has all these extra hormones which will tend to lead to an attitude from him.
1 person likes this
@magrylouyu (1627)
• United States
12 May 08
I dont really know how to go about this. My children are still young. I had my first boyfriend at 14. We were long distance until shortly before I turned 16. Then we got serious and here I am 22 still with that same guy happily married with 2 beautiful daughters and a stepson. (we broke up for 8months). I dont think 14 is too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend just as long as their being safe and responsiable.
1 person likes this
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
12 May 08
If they were long distance for the next year or two I would probably feel different. Even though they have known each other since kindergarten, they are just getting to know each other while they are just getting to know themselves. I keep telling my boy that he is growing and changing, and he isn't the same person he was before, so neither is she. He didn't have a huge sense of responsibility towards girls until this happened. Since all this started it has become crystal clear what is expected of him. He knows that he only gets one chance to make a good choice, once he's done something or said something, it can't be undone or unsaid, so it's important to think twice before acting.
Thanks for responding.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 May 08
Hi there. The way I see it is if you put a kid down and refuse him something, it only makes them more determined. Parents have to be smarter than that.
This boy of yours was doing ok up till just recently. He was being responsible, making good decisions and you have encouraged him to make some big choices and you've gone along with those choices and decisions. The boy sounds wiser than his years. Sixteen is usually around when they start to become rebellious...you can either stand up to them and refuse to have anything to do with who they are trying to be or you can go with the flow and help them along. Make this girl welcome, do things as a family give him responsibilities so he has less time with her but so that time with her is the payoff. Discourage his not so great friends and encourage the good ones. Kids need lots of your time and your patience at this age or the whole family can be broken.
I feel your b/f should make a big effort to be friends with the boy. You need an ally, the children need a father figure and the boy needs some positive male influences in his life and on his side...not an easy task for some real fathers let alone stand ins.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
5 May 08
Hi jessigirl, The early teens are always tough years, but you have to do what you believe is best. You know your child better than anyone else. The fact that his grades are slipping is a sign that it's time for you to step in. I read your post carefully and you sound like a good mother who has been doing all the right things. You will work through this I'm sure. He knows that you love him, but don't expect him to admit it, not just yet. Blessings.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
Thanks for your comment. I suspect that you've raised one or two and you speak from knowledge. I want him to be happy, that's all a parent wants, but not at the expense of happiness for his future. Did that make any sense? I see where he's going and am trying to interject before it's too late. I speak from experience on 'the wrong path' issue, nothing good down that road.
@freecashtrek (20)
• United States
5 May 08
Oh boy, do I remember and I do not envy you. 14 is a really tough age. It's too bad nobody hands you a "hand book on how to raise children" when you walk out of the hospital with your newborn.
I have 6 children (all grown and gone now) and 14 grand-kids. There were times when I thought I'd never survive. I have a 15 year old grandson and we have not experienced that anything like that yet. My daughter keeps him very involved in sports.
I am no expert, never got a hand book either, but what I can tell you from experience is that the harder you pull in the reins, the more he will run. If he were going to have this girlfriend anyway, I'd rather it be under my nose where I can see exactly what is going on. One more thing, ALWAYS go with your guts... 99.9% of the time, your guts are correct. All the best to you.
Blessings,
Celia
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
He spent the first day or two quite upset, but then he gathered himself and came to terms with the fact that his teen years can be easy or difficult, he chose the easy route. I'm waiting to see how long it will last.
Thanks for sharing and congratulations on your gianormous loving family. I hope all stays well with the grandson and those that follow.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
I've been educating him on how to treat girls, the problem is that he doesn't want to obey my rules. I should have been educating him on how to treat his mom.
@jessigirl116 (848)
• United States
7 May 08
A friend said I should accompany him to school for a day or two to show him I'm serious, but I won't want to see the other kids that I've known since early childhood doing it. I'm sure not much will happen at school, but kids are getting sneaky.
@sta1nd (1)
• United States
28 May 08
Hey,
I kind of accidentally read this discussion, but totally wanted to have some part of it. First of all, I think 14 years old is old enough to have somewhat serious relationships. However, that should be a privelege of some sort, because when grades drop and attitude rises, then that's showing what change it has done to him. Losing a father is also maybe a major role in this. I don't know. I'm not a parent.
Hope that helps.
