Remembering You: Fidel Castro

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Today we take a lighter side of the postmodernist, self-destructive and latently nihilistic discussions that are the entirety of MyLot. Today, a "Remember You" special installment wishes to focus on that notorious dictator from Cuba: Fidel Castro. Fidel Castro. What a great name. What a crazy, long run it's been. To serve, all those years, as a fascist/communist dictator in a place known to be one of the harshest hurricane climates on the planet. Seriously, who would want to settle there with the tornadoes and the monsoons and the mosquitoes, right? Ahh, but this is the Cuba he calls home! Cuba. Everlasting Cuba. Cubic Cuba. Remember that Cuban Missile Crisis? Those were the days, weren't they? But of course everyone remembers where they were in the days when a bunch of addle-minded primates sat ooking cluelessly over a bunch of large shiny red buttons wondering who would pull the trigger first so that someone ELSE could take the blame for nuclear holocaust. Silly little human creatures with their pink wrinkly skin sitting in their own filth with a bunch of missiles--the only thing humanity has ever managed to do well--having no clue about the outside world and what the world "apocalyptic" meant. But let us remember the better times. Let us remember, for instance, the historical boxing match between Fidel Castro and Pope John Paul II, who both went for an extended five rounds in the ring over the course of a day and a half which ended in a mutual tie. Who cannot still hear the voice of the MC: "Fidel Castro versus Pope John Paul II, Round One, FIGHTO!" But now his health is ailing, and his brother might take over. I can't even recall his brother's name. Will his brother leave as lasting a mark as Fidel? Will he be the lovable fascist dictator his brother was? Such a lofty goal is not easy to attain by any means! You have to nuture the role, care for it, care for those around you. You can't just sit down in your office and say "Hey, we're gonna do things MY way, get me a pina colada." No no no no no. You have to be a public figure. You have to be loved as a fascist/communist dictator. The times of missile crises are long past; this isn't the 1960s anymore. Sad, but it's true: this isn't Fidel's Cuba anymore. This is the year 2008, and it's time for the human race to progress. But now onto the interesting bits. In the event of Fidel's death, many numerous and bizarre stipends must be taken care of in regards to his will. The string of poloponies must be donated to Poland. The biggest cheese wheel in the world must be dropped right in Tianamen Square. America needs its missing coupon book for Woolworth's back. But there is still a matter which has not been addressed, not been taken care of, and it MUST be taken care of! Fidel Castro's Beard. Where shall it go when he dies? Will it be donated to next of kin as was the old tradition that the new monarch should wear it? Will it be donated to science and studied? Does it belong in a museum to belong to the entire world to marvel in its wonder and pass stories about Mr. Castro for eons to come? What will happen to Fidel's Beard? Have no doubt that it will be the most worthwhile artifact known to humankind. More expensive than the missing original Mona Lisa, the bottom half of the George Washington poster, more valuable than Tokyo Tower, more rare than the arms of the Venus de Milo, and even more expensive than the roof of the Sistene Chapel. Fidel Castro's Beard is an everlasting artifact. And of course the hat comes too, as a set, as it would be an embarrassing faux pas to the hands that separate the two without Fidel's consent. What's gonna happen to Fidel Castro's Beard?